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I think in general, the best punishments are the ones that "fit the crime" rather than just have a blanket time out / grounding consequence. So for playing ball in the house, maybe lose the ball for a weekend. Explain why the consequence is being implemented, and then when it's time to give him his ball back, have HIM explain why it was lost and what he can do to prevent it being taken away again. That might be a silly example, but there are a lot of good articles on "creative consequences" out there, and supposedly kids respond really well to them. My son is only 18 months, but already I can see my husband and I disagree about things like whether or not he should have his own meal prepared if he doesn't like what we're eating... just try to always be a team. Explore some alternative consequences together, as a family even! When kids help "make" the rules, they are more likely to follow them.
Or punishments that "fit the kid". Since all kids are different, what works for one might not work for another and also you have to consider why the kid does something. For example if a child starts using inappropriate language, it might be that he is trying to emulate some child at school that he for some reason admires. Or maybe he doesn't even know what the word means.
If a child's behavior changes, there might be something else going on in his life, something might be bothering him at school.
In the case of the OP, since the parents are not presenting a united front, the child may be testing, might be playing the parents against each other, or confused as far was what behavior is appropriate. If mom allows something, but dad says no -- then what is the child going to do? It's obviously not wrong or why is mom allowing it.
What I also believe from observation is that it really doesn't matter so much if the parents are strict, or if they're pretty lenient, what matters most is consistency. If mom thinks a curfew of 1 am is okay but dad is set on 10 pm, it would be best to let the more adament parent decide and just go with it unless a compromise can be reached between the parents. The parents really need to present a united front -- for the child's sake.
TOUGH STRICT PARENTS MAKE FOR UNHAPPY CHILDREN!!!!
Horrors. Unhappy children.
Obviously something to be avoided by asking Junior if he wants the drapes closed so the glare doesn't bounce off his iPhone screen and hurt his eyes. Should that be asked before or after Mom asks Junior if he wants another grape soda?
My husband and I have completely different parenting styles. We rarely agree on how to discipline our son and it often leads to fights. The question is, how can I tell if he is being too tough or if I'm just being too much of a softie? Of course I've given it a lot of thought and really feel like he is being too tough but my husband has done the same and feels like its my fault. I don't like confrontation and he loves to debate so it makes coming to an agreement difficult. I feel like I've tried to see his point of view and back him up, especially because he was disciplined strictly as a kid and I never really was disciplined much at all, so I feel like I can learn some things from him. The problem is, he is so tough that if I completely adopt his ways, I feel like I will only see the negative in our son, and that's not the way I work. I believe that there is good in every child, and that should be encouraged and praised. I hope I've described my situation enough for everyone to understand. Its much more complicated than I could describe in a paragraph.
I always thought I would be the easy going parent, the parent who is not overly strict or a "helicopter" parent. We implemented a strict bedtime for my son, 8pm. I was recently talking to a co-worker and parent about his strict bedtime. The coworker said his kids have no bedtime and can just watch tv until they fall asleep. then I realized... I really am that parent!
Obviously something to be avoided by asking Junior if he wants the drapes closed so the glare doesn't bounce off his iPhone screen and hurt his eyes. Should that be asked before or after Mom asks Junior if he wants another grape soda?
I agree. Children - young people living in your home who largely live off of you, should have respect for their parents.
Sometimes my kids don't like out rules. Tough luck.
I err towards consequences that suit the behavior. Not punishment, but rewarding positive behavior.
I also do not bribe for good behavior, I expect good behavior.
The more I see, the more I have come to think it really doesn't matter if the parents are strict or if they are pretty lenient as long as they present a united front and are consistent and set some boundaries and don't subvert the other.
In the end it really won't matter if the parents decide bouncing a ball inside the house is okay or if they absolutely forbid it, and it won't matter if the parents set bedtimes or if they don't, but you can allow something one time and then another time go ballistic over it, or one parent allows it behind the other's back.
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