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I am looking for some general feedback on a situation I have going on with one of my daughter's friend's family. I am handling it a certain way (don't want to bias the conversation so I won't say until later) and I am interested in the opinions that you may have regarding the issue.
The background: My daughter is 11 and has been friends with a girl (also 11 and in the same grade) for about three years. They live about a block away from us and she has a twin brother and another brother that is 13. These girls hang out on a regular basis (she recently accompanied us on a weekend trip) and the friend is a sweet girl. This problem is her older brother. Ever since we have known this family we have noticed that there is something not quite right about him. He is very child like in his speech and is prone to tantrums. He also has limited impulse control. I have always had my suspicion that he was autistic in some form.....they have always said that he has anxiety issues. This in itself is not really an issue. The problem is that things have been escalating recently and he has done the following:
1. Routinely swears at the girls (well not just them but I will limit this to their interactions)
2. Gives them the finger
3. Has rages (tantrums) when he doesn't get his way
4. Says things to humiliate my daughter
The thing is that when he does this stuff he is laughing like it is funny (meaning he sees it as teasing and it doesn't feel like it has malicious intent). My daughter has been around him for so long it really doesn't bother her so much because she knows it is not personal and that he is just that "way". Actually we were just at a party and their whole family was there also and the boy had a snow cone that he was trying to pour on a little girl. My daughter saw this and walked up to him and took the snow cone from him and threw it away. She acted just like a mother would in that situation because she is used to his behavior. Regardless, we no longer allow her to go over to her friends house for any length of time and she is not to be around the older brother without his parents close by.
Anyway, the fallout from this is that because there is so much attention paid to this brother (they have had him in programs, therapy, looking at a new school, etc) my daughter's friend is feeling very lonely and neglected. She spends a lot of time at our house and she has confided in me and my daughter. She is not feeling loved or a part of her family and my heart breaks for her. In addition, because of her brother's "condition" she is really not able to have friends over to her house.
So........given this information would you have a conversation with the Mom about how daughter feels? Mom is a friend of mine and has also confided in me but she is stressed out with everything and does not handle it well. Would you try and encourage the daughter to speak up to her parents? She is shy and does not assert herself well. She also does not talk about her feelings freely.
These are good people that I believe are trying to do the best they can. I think that they are so focused on the older son that they aren't seeing the damage to the twins.
First, I can tell you from personal experience with a family member that the mother already is likely to feel that she is neglecting the younger children to some extent. It's extremely, extremely difficult when one child has greater and more difficult needs than the others. It's a constant juggling act for parents of children with special needs (and this boy does seem to have needs above and beyond the norm).
You need to broach this subject very carefully, and as a friend. Perhaps casually ask if anything unusual or different is going on with the older boy. Let this lead into the subject of the other children. It sounds like you're already helping the family by including the girl with your family outings, but it never hurts to ask if there is some other way you can help. Perhaps you can invite mother/daughter for a lunch date or something that would encourage some mother/daughter time? Maybe there is an activity both girls like? Mention that to the mother as something you heard the girls talking about. It would help the mother to see that perhaps the younger ones are being a bit neglected.
And yes, gently encourage the girl to speak with her parents about it.
Would you want her to come to you if it had been your daughter?
Quote:
Originally Posted by rrah
First, I can tell you from personal experience with a family member that the mother already is likely to feel that she is neglecting the younger children to some extent. It's extremely, extremely difficult when one child has greater and more difficult needs than the others. It's a constant juggling act for parents of children with special needs (and this boy does seem to have needs above and beyond the norm).
You need to broach this subject very carefully, and as a friend. Perhaps casually ask if anything unusual or different is going on with the older boy. Let this lead into the subject of the other children. It sounds like you're already helping the family by including the girl with your family outings, but it never hurts to ask if there is some other way you can help. Perhaps you can invite mother/daughter for a lunch date or something that would encourage some mother/daughter time? Maybe there is an activity both girls like? Mention that to the mother as something you heard the girls talking about. It would help the mother to see that perhaps the younger ones are being a bit neglected.
And yes, gently encourage the girl to speak with her parents about it.
Great posts.
As a special ed teacher I have seen many situations where the non-handicapped children in a family really feels neglected. Often the parents are so concerned with dealing with the special needs child that the other children are overlooked.
Of course, this isn't the case in all families but it was sad to see it when it does happen.
And, not all parents are aware that they are treating the children differently or spending an inordinate amount of time and/or money on just the child with special needs.
I have had parents of my special ed students brag to me that they were very careful to spend a lot of time with and not neglect their other children and I knew (because the sibling attended my school) that their other child was having serious problems in school/crying/getting into fights/etc. and was telling their teacher or peers that they felt very lonely/overlooked/neglected/worthless/or something similar at home.
Good luck.
Last edited by germaine2626; 07-08-2013 at 01:31 PM..
I have actually done some of these things. A couple of weeks ago I invited the Mom and daughter to a girls lunch with me and my daughter. We met at noon for lunch and I was supposed to be home by 2:30 for something. The Mom was having such a nice time she begged me to call and see if my husband could cover for me so that we could stay out longer. We ended up walking around our downtown area with the girls until 4:30pm. I think that they both really needed that time away and they enjoyed it so much.
I have spoken with the girl about talking with her Mom and so has my daughter. She is afraid to do it and I certainly don't want to push her....she is having enough troubles.
I have spoken with the Mom on several occasions but it was mostly her telling me everything that is going on and how stressed and overwhelmed she is. I really want to tell her about her daughter but I am afraid that it will send her over the edge. She was also recently diagnosed with a heart condition so there is that to consider.
My daughter wants so bad to help....it pains her to see her friend this way. I have tried to tell her that the best thing she can do is be there for her friend and support her when she needs it.
I guess I will have to slowly introduce the subject and hopefully we will get to the point where she can see how much her daughter is being affected. Clearly they all are affected and need some help with the situation but I just really feel for the girl because she is kinda alone in that house. And, she is at that age where girls really need love and support from their families.
I appreciate all the input so far. I will keep you posted.
I think at this point you should not bring up what the daughter has said.
You already have heard, indirectly, what the mom's reaction will be. She clearly is feeling the weight of her burdens, and she has shared with you how she feels victimized by her own life to a certain extent.
I suspect the parents are well aware of their shortcomings, as most of us are, and don't necessarily need to hear it spoken out loud.
I think you may need to just back off on this. This is not your problem to solve, if you will. Your role, IMHO, right now should be to be a great mom for your own daughter, particularly by limiting her exposure to the brother (even though she has demonstrated great maturity in dealing with him), and to be a "soft place" for the friend to fall.
If she wants to confide in you, let her. Just listen. Fill in that place her mom can't fill right now. Just give her the support she needs, and let her family deal with their own life.
I think at this point you should not bring up what the daughter has said.
You already have heard, indirectly, what the mom's reaction will be. She clearly is feeling the weight of her burdens, and she has shared with you how she feels victimized by her own life to a certain extent.
I suspect the parents are well aware of their shortcomings, as most of us are, and don't necessarily need to hear it spoken out loud.
I think you may need to just back off on this. This is not your problem to solve, if you will. Your role, IMHO, right now should be to be a great mom for your own daughter, particularly by limiting her exposure to the brother (even though she has demonstrated great maturity in dealing with him), and to be a "soft place" for the friend to fall.
If she wants to confide in you, let her. Just listen. Fill in that place her mom can't fill right now. Just give her the support she needs, and let her family deal with their own life.
Totally agree. Funny....the bolded is exactly what I said to my daughter! She was trying so hard to find a way to "fix" things that I had to tell her some things are not hers to fix.
I think at this point you should not bring up what the daughter has said.
You already have heard, indirectly, what the mom's reaction will be. She clearly is feeling the weight of her burdens, and she has shared with you how she feels victimized by her own life to a certain extent.
I suspect the parents are well aware of their shortcomings, as most of us are, and don't necessarily need to hear it spoken out loud.
I think you may need to just back off on this. This is not your problem to solve, if you will. Your role, IMHO, right now should be to be a great mom for your own daughter, particularly by limiting her exposure to the brother (even though she has demonstrated great maturity in dealing with him), and to be a "soft place" for the friend to fall.
If she wants to confide in you, let her. Just listen. Fill in that place her mom can't fill right now. Just give her the support she needs, and let her family deal with their own life.
Just have the good kid over to your house and not the other way.
When I was a kid, our neighbor had a boy like that and a "normal" boy. My brothers friend was friends wththe normal boy and played over there a lot. The problem boy hit my brothers friend in the head with a hammer in a fit of rage and caused permanent brain damage. I would not risk something like that.
Just have the good kid over to your house and not the other way.
When I was a kid, our neighbor had a boy like that and a "normal" boy. My brothers friend was friends wththe normal boy and played over there a lot. The problem boy hit my brothers friend in the head with a hammer in a fit of rage and caused permanent brain damage. I would not risk something like that.
Nope, not going to risk it. She can go over there to pick up her friend or to chat while the brother is not there or supervised by his parents. They keep a pretty close eye on him most of the time anyway.
Even so, this rarely happens anymore because the friend doesn't want anyone over there. She is embarassed by her brother and frankly does not want to be there herself. That is why she spends so much time with us and a couple of other friends.
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