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Actually, KittenSparkles says "the overwhelming majority of men are not pedophiles".
May be true...but we souldn't gamble with our children...I like the Mom sending a message....You might even send it from your daughter page....so he'll think it is a family facebook. It is a good reminder that you are an interested and involved parent.
I fee very sad for my son, now 12, who from now on will be seen as a predator first.
Only if he goes around marking things off the "potential predator checklist," like contacting underage girls via text or social media WITHOUT their parents' knowledge.
It's so funny how people assume it would be the older guy taking advantage of the teenager...when I was a teenager, I took advantage of older guys.
But that is beside the point.
What MY gut tells me from what the OP has said is this (and yeah, it's possible that it's colored by my life experience.)...
HE probably has no inappriopriate intent.
HE probably views the martial arts lifestyle as a holistic thing, as many instructors do, especially if she's asking him about Buddhism, he's got a whole philosophy going on. So he's going to be willing and probably enthusiastic to share his wisdom about life with an eager young student. That includes probably advising her about some boy she likes, or any other topic she brings up...but you can be the judge if his responses to that topic were healthy or not.
While it is POSSIBLE, I really really doubt that this guy is a predator.
The problem is more on her end of things. At age 15, a girl's hormones start turning her into a woman. She is eager to learn about a woman's power over men, specifically getting them interested sexually in her new woman's body...it is a glorious feeling, that moment when you know...yeah...he's totally on the hook. He's interested. Even if it's just flirtation, it's her learning that dynamic between men and women. You cannot keep a girl or a boy locked in childhood...eventually, they grow up and start playing with fire. And at that age, it is too thrilling an experience for you to trust her to not guide it in that direction. It's not that she has a specific goal of seduction in mind, she's just getting a thrill out of the opening moves in the game. I'd be interested to know if she's got a Dad in the picture...psychological theory holds that girls with Daddy issues (like I had) sometimes fix on older guys and develop infatuations that way (like I did a few times.) I don't know if I'm totally on board with that theory, but hey. Perhaps. It's interesting anyhow.
So. What do you do?
First of all, no teenager should have an expectation of privacy. But if you tell her you read her messages, she'll get defiant and try to take the conversation to an account you don't have easy access to. She will do better to hide, sneak, and lock you out of this interaction. Not good. I wouldn't go there.
I would however set up a time to meet one-on-one with this instructor. For all anyone needs to know, it can be about payment of your account or something mundane like that. I'd shut the door to the office he should have, if it's anything like my kids' former dojo...and I'd sit down, look him in the eye, and talk to him about this. I would thank him for acting as a mentor to your daughter. I would inform him that you are aware of the Facebook messages and that you appreciate how he seems to be giving her good guidance in life. I would then let him know, that whether he is aware of this or not, it is common for 15 year old girls to develop romantic feelings towards male mentors in his position...I would say, "I have no specific reason to believe this is what's happening right now. But imagine if you're just trying to be a good role model, and one day she has these feelings for you, and you didn't know you were encouraging them because you didn't mean to...I'm trying to save you some awkwardness, and her a broken heart, in case she's developing a crush where she has no business doing so. So be careful, and don't encourage her, alright?"
I'd approach him respectfully, one adult to another, as someone who assumes the best. I would NOT accuse him of anything.
And then if you've done this right, and spoken respecfully, and he still acts offended or gets defensive in any way, I'd pull the plug on the whole thing. Because if he is on the up and up, he should cooperate with you in what's best for your daughter.
What you said was perfect, its genuine and seems like you are interested in the well being of both parties and you are not accusing anyone of anything. Very well said.
To the males here who have been defensive as well as the mothers of sons who worry that males are suspect by default...
Just because a parent is alert to the possibility and wants to be cautious and prevent anything bad from happening does NOT mean that they assume the worst about the adult male in question.
You can go through life naively assuming that all people are good or cynically assuming all people are bad...common sense lies somewhere in the middle. You assume people to be basically good but take precautions so that you and your family are not taken advantage of. That means not always trusting strangers for instance, even though not every guy in the bar is a rapist...any of them COULD be. Serial killers often seem remarkably normal, those who vicitimize others often inspire trust...until they act.
So just because a parent of a teenage daughter wants to be vigilant and careful about adult men in her life does not mean she assumes all males are pedophiles. Quit being so fussy and defensive. And there are ways of handling this, that walk the sensible middle ground between just letting it go and assuming everything's fine...and jumping the guy with accusations.
Doesn't "evidence" trump assumptions/accusations? I'm referring to the type of "evidence" that is apparent once a parent becomes personally aquainted/knowledgeable of the person having consistent, communication with their child?
Until that has been determined, I could personally care less what anyone thinks of my not trusting them. Pure intentions don't equal huffing and puffing and pouting because someone may consider you one of the millions of nuts in this world!
ETA: I was going to clarify my meaning of "consistent" communication but I'm gonna allow common sense to be free of charge tonight!
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It didn't sound student teacher to me at all. It sounded friend-like, and a 15 year old girl is not an appropriate "friend" for a 30 year old mean. It is just not appropriate for a man that age to chat online with a girl so young. Responding to an email is one thing, but clearly this is an ongoing correspondence and includes personal information that has nothing to do with karate. It sounds creepy to me.
Yes, it doesn't sound right at all. The fact that he's a "teacher" makes it even worse (I think) because he's in a position of trust, and if he's corresponding about anything other than "class", I think her parents should be aware of it, and he should have been the one to tell them.
I don't disagree about taking precautions, But the OP didn't find anything to arouse suspicion that it was anything beyond a student-teacher correspondence. Yet, some on this board still think any male-female chat is worthy of action. And that, makes me sad for males.
Since when does a 30 something "teacher" correspond on a personal level with his 15 year old student?..what you say about "male-female" chat being worthy of action...it's because it is....when it involves a very young woman with an older man, without the parents even knowing....
I'd approach him respectfully, one adult to another, as someone who assumes the best. I would NOT accuse him of anything.
And then if you've done this right, and spoken respecfully, and he still acts offended or gets defensive in any way, I'd pull the plug on the whole thing. Because if he is on the up and up, he should cooperate with you in what's best for your daughter.
You're absolutely right..that's a good, and kind thing to do...though I would think that HE should know better, and could understand that this young women could be becoming infatuated with him.
You're absolutely right..that's a good, and kind thing to do...though I would think that HE should know better, and could understand that this young women could be becoming infatuated with him.
One would hope he might know better...but I speak from the position of wife to a guy who is smart and kind and absolutely utterly clueless about women. And I've known lots of otherwise sweet, smart men who really wouldn't know a woman had a crush on them if she beat him in the face with her bosoms (metaphorically speaking.) Some guys can be pretty oblivious, especially if they are distracted by some other purpose that's foremost in their minds (like teaching martial arts or spreading a philosophy.)
Thanks for all inputs. Sorry I've not been able to get back. Things has been busy lately.
As for my daughter's father, he has not been in her life for a while. He had a serious drinking problem which led me to leave him.
However I really like Sonic Spork idea. I don't want to accuse someone of anything, especially something as serious as this. Like as I say he haven't even did anything that I question. I'm just more worried about the fact my daughter is talking with him. At same time I do appreciate someone who seems to be willing to take time out of their life for my daughter. But it still feel bit uneasy because of the age difference and of course the fact that this man is older than her and a decent looking man.
I should be heading to the gym tonight to pick my daughter up and I will try as Sonic Spork suggested.
Thanks
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