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Your amount of $400 per month seems more than reasonable. I don't see any reason why this kid should have to pay less than the others. There are always going to be differences, but it sounds like your son is picking and choice the differences that further his argument and ignoring any others. Frankly it comes off as entitled, which is surprising considering it doesn't sounds like you entitle your kids at all.
I say you and your wife agree on an amount and tell your son he can either pay that amount or move out.
Seems to me the only issue here is that your wife disagrees with you.
Seems fair to me that the kid pays the same percentage as his siblings. Tell him, and your wife, even if he paid more for student loans, he's probably making a higher salary, which will offset the difference in what he paid for student loans.
At any rate, sounds to me like the issue is getting your wife to agree with you to treat this kid the same as the others. Best way to do that, is to have a family meeting, if reasoning with the two of them alone didn't work, and let the other kids have a say.
Have them all over for spaghetti and have a round table. That ought to take care of it. And you can sit back and be the benevolent, open-minded father, husband, while letting them all duke it out....until they come to the conclusion you knew all along was right LOL!
I like your idea, a family sit down. Well, all is well. My wife agreed yesterday and when he came back from work he agreed so we are all on the same page. I was going to forward him this thread discussion but I will leave it alone as no need to stir up a can of worms when all is agreed to. We are having lobster at home tonight as a celebratory home meal. Thanks all for your input.
Your amount of $400 per month seems more than reasonable. I don't see any reason why this kid should have to pay less than the others. There are always going to be differences, but it sounds like your son is picking and choice the differences that further his argument and ignoring any others. Frankly it comes off as entitled, which is surprising considering it doesn't sounds like you entitle your kids at all.
I say you and your wife agree on an amount and tell your son he can either pay that amount or move out.
The youngest has a bit more "entitled" in him as his mother tends to spoil him being the youngest. It may be a mother's frailty. I like to make them all realized the importance in being earnest. I fired the gardener when my oldest turned 12 as it was his turn to do the lawn. Next year when his brother turned 12, they alternated and so forth. Chores included cleaning gutters, weeding, trash duty and the talk about chipping in to household expenses when they had graduated college and chose to live at home. Initially they don't like it but they accept it as a part of life. When they were growing up, I told them they could have anything they wanted if they would pay for 1/2, I would pay the other have. It motivates them to earn for the things they want. They are all quite earnest as adults and they don't ask for money as they always had summer jobs as students. Often when we go into the city to have dinner, they will split the check and treat their mom and me. We are so proud of them, mission accomplished. You have to keep a lid on them when many of their friends have everything handed to them in the affluent town we live in.
I'm not dealing with this since my college graduate child left home after HS and never came back and my current college child would like to move out ASAP but needs to finish school first. HOWEVER, you could take a different approach to all this and let him live rent free as long as he is aggressively paying off the loans while living with you, then he can start his independence debt free. That is how families build wealth, with the we are all in this together way of thinking.
I know every family is different and the whole "rent" thing (or wealth building thing) is either applauded for being the best parenting tool ever invented or questioned for being, well, weird because family takes care of their own. I fall in the middle, but it would depend entirely on the relationship I had with the child in question.
I agree with you. My youngest daughter graduated four years of college and lived with me the whole time, except for her freshman year. She graduated with over $60,000 worth of debt because I had no means to help her out with that. She is 27 now; her college debt is almost paid off, she owns a new car that is also paid off, and is in the process of buying a house that is close to her job.
I never charged her any rent. She always paid for her own cell, car insurance, and food (because I rarely cook anymore - yippee!).
I did stipulate, however, that she use her income to aggressively pay off her college loans, which she did, while also putting money into a savings account.
Since I struggled financially for many years when she was a child, she is well aware of the value of money and what 'real life' demands.
She was not spoiled; maybe that makes a difference.
My parents LOANED me $8k in college while I was a student and couldn't find work. I paid them back every dollar.
Also, they didn't give either of my siblings a car for school, but I had a commute so I needed one. I paid them $150/mo for use of their vehicle.
Make things fair for sure. My little sister gets a bit more than my brother and I did, but my brother and I are both doing well and my sister is amazing and would never really ask for much so we would never mind.
If you aren't fair and since your son is clearly complaining, as an older sibling I would probably be a bit annoyed, especially with that entitled attitude he seems to have.
I needed more help than my better put together brother.
Do you think perhaps the reason you need more help is because you were helped too much to begin with?
This is a serious question. You say yoiur brother is more put together. Was he given less than you? Perhaps he was made to work harder for what he got?
Just an observation, and something parents should think about when it comes down to fairness.
Determine how much a house share situation (where they SHOULD be) would cost.
If they are also doing a fair number of chores you can discount that number some.
If they can't afford this... they need to move to where their skills will pay the bills.
Do you think perhaps the reason you need more help is because you were helped too much to begin with?
This is a serious question. You say yoiur brother is more put together. Was he given less than you? Perhaps he was made to work harder for what he got?
Just an observation, and something parents should think about when it comes down to fairness.
To a certain extent, yes. But I think it more started with me and then the more help followed. We just have different personalities. It took me a lot longer to find myself and become my own person. He prided himself on being an overachiever and tried to model Michael J. Fox's character Alex Keaton in Family Ties. Whereas I was much more of an idiot who's identity was shattered when we moved to a neighborhood where I didn't fit in. Ironic being that it was a much more middle class area that my parents struggled hard to afford.
I was always more intelligent than he was but he did better in school (except at the graduate level). I put in less work but was at the top of the class until we moved and I pretty much stopped doing any work and didn't go to school much at all. Then the school administration told me I was in real trouble of not graduating so I cracked open the books for a couple months and aced the tests. Enough to get me out.
I made bad decisions and my priorities were messed up. I did well on a standardized exam and was accepted to a good high school, I chose the poorer one with kids who were a bad influence on me and my parents and brother tried to talk me into going to the other one, I said no and they let me make that bad desicion. I don't blame them. It's me, I have some real faults, bad ones. I got in trouble and then poured it on enough to get out of it - barely got into a college. Barely graduated college. Then I grew up some when I moved out. But that was my decision to go, I wasn't pushed out. I hated what I did to myself and knew it was time.
It's a good thought you have and applies to my situation in different ways than to others. I made mistakes, my parents did too. I don't blame anyone but myself. I wasn't strong enough to do the right thing. I'm doing well now but it makes me sad, teh lost potential. In the end we all do the best we can.
What's with people going 80-100k worth of debt for college? If you go to a CC for 2 years and then transfer out to a state school you can cut the cost of your degree in half. The people going 100k into debt are the ones who move far away to live in dorms to party and come out with a useless non STEM degree.
What's with people going 80-100k worth of debt for college? If you go to a CC for 2 years and then transfer out to a state school you can cut the cost of your degree in half. The people going 100k into debt are the ones who move far away to live in dorms to party and come out with a useless non STEM degree.
I was sitting here wondering that too. My daughter went to a community college (I assume that's what CC is) and she didn't have to pay out of pocket except for books, and we helped her with that. Tuition was paid for with grants and scholarships.
A friend of mine's son just had to go to Georgia Tech, which is an expensive school, and he is a doper, barely got out of high school. Fortunately for him, they were footing the bill and he doesn't have any loans, but he flunked out, and now they are paying for nothing.
I don't get it. I never understood why they allowed him to go when he'd already had a DUI at 17 and was a troublemaker; he just wasn't college material. I guess they hoped he'd grow up, but come on, college is a huge expense. There ain't no room for hope there.
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Conversely,
Good point
