Mean girls in sixth grade (bullying, party, pills, games)
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Ok, so I know that the mean girls thing is going to happen and middle school is about when it all starts ramping up but...... I am still in a little shock over a conversation that my daughter relayed to me yesterday.
We were all at my 8 YO daughter's softball game and the players siblings often come along and hang out together during the game. Two of them are the same age as my other daughter (6th grade) and they were all sitting together and talking. One of them is a good friend of my daughter and the other is a classmate but they don't really share the same friends. Now I know why. The classmate spent the entire time explaining to my daughter and her friend that she couldn't be seen with them because her friends would make fun of her. She also told my daughter's friend that she wouldn't ever be popular because only skinny girls are popular (the girl is not fat by any stretch of the imagination. She has a little bit of a belly but that is it). She then said that nobody likes her personality and that everyone dreaded going to a end of school year party that she had held at her house (again, the party was quite the blast and everyone there was having a great time and didn't want to leave).
To my daughter, she said that people pick on her because she is easy to pick on (we don't know what that means) and that when they were at camp together last summer that she wasn't friends with her because she made new friends they did not like my daughter.
There was some other stuff too, but you get the idea. This was devastating for my daughters friend and fairly shocking information. My daughter kind of took as, well at least she is being honest and telling me what people are thinking.
I knew that this crap was going to happen at this age but I am still not ready to deal with it. I just have no tolerance for this stuff. I think that a lot of it comes from lack of self confidence because these mean girls attach their self worth to their popularity.
Both of these families are coming to my house for a barbeque on Sunday and I am not sure what is going to happen. The other mother and I have decided to not say anything to the "mean girls" mom.....doesn't seem like it will solve anything and will likely cause more drama. We are just kind of sad about the situation and the fact that this stuff is happening already. I should add that both my daughter and her friend have plenty of their own friends and are not outcasts or anything. Which adds to the mystery as to why this girls felt the need to have this conversation with them.
I have sympathy for this...middle school was the worst kind of hell for me. It was my experience that kids this age are horribly mean.
I dreaded my kids going through this. But somehow...though they aren't super-popular, they don't seem to be traumatized by much of anything. I mean, sure they've had stuff to deal with, but they've not been miserable. And boy do I know those kids can make you miserable.
The only thing I can think of to help with this is to raise the confidence and the good values of any kid (your kid, as a hypothetical example) and frankly the best way I know of to simultaneously do all that is martial arts. My boys were having more social trouble back in elementary school...they I put them in karate and they gained all this calm, self control, self discipline, and most of all confidence. It was one of the most miraculous changes I've ever seen. Now I recommend it to all parents, period. Martial arts=good juju for kids. But of course you have to find the right establishment...I prefer a family-friendly American program over serious hardcore competitive stuff.
Other than that, girl drama is girl drama and I don't think that, to a point, it's best to observe and let the girls sort it out. It should get better by high school when they start figuring themselves out as individuals.
It happens sometimes sooner than that, my best words of advise for your daughter to tell this girl is "If you are going to say things that you may want to think and if it would hurt your feelings that it might be better off that you keeps those words in your head".
Just because they are not friends now you never know in the future and this girl just eliminated 2 future friends. I have told my daughter that is still in grade school some girls say things to make themselves feel more important, when this happens she has the right to speak up or walk away if the person is saying something that is hurtful and should be better off left in that person's head. Have your daughter look at the other girl if she starts doing this to her and say "is this how you want to be treated?" If the girl says no then your daughter and her friend stays. This has become a way of bullying just not physical violence it is more verbal and it is not ok but let your daughter talk to the other girl about it to boost her confidence.
I have sympathy for this...middle school was the worst kind of hell for me. It was my experience that kids this age are horribly mean.
I dreaded my kids going through this. But somehow...though they aren't super-popular, they don't seem to be traumatized by much of anything. I mean, sure they've had stuff to deal with, but they've not been miserable. And boy do I know those kids can make you miserable.
The only thing I can think of to help with this is to raise the confidence and the good values of any kid (your kid, as a hypothetical example) and frankly the best way I know of to simultaneously do all that is martial arts. My boys were having more social trouble back in elementary school...they I put them in karate and they gained all this calm, self control, self discipline, and most of all confidence. It was one of the most miraculous changes I've ever seen. Now I recommend it to all parents, period. Martial arts=good juju for kids. But of course you have to find the right establishment...I prefer a family-friendly American program over serious hardcore competitive stuff.
Other than that, girl drama is girl drama and I don't think that, to a point, it's best to observe and let the girls sort it out. It should get better by high school when they start figuring themselves out as individuals.
Yes....I think that all females are familiar with this issue from one side of it or another. I know that males have their own set of problems but it is different with girls.
Both of my girls did try martial arts but they weren't too interested in it. One is a gymnast and the other is in theatre so they have other ways of building confidence. Actually, it is because my older daughter has confidence that she was able to take the "information" that was given to her by this girl and analyse it rather than fret about it. She was actually more concerned for her friend because she got the brunt of the conversation directed to her and she took it pretty hard.
The thing that concerns me the most about this whole thing is not just the mean girls stuff, but that stupid idea that "only skinny girls can be popular". It is just so cliche and wrong. Why perpetuate this concept that skinny=good? It is so damaging to our young girls.
Last edited by whakru; 07-19-2013 at 04:27 PM..
Reason: wrong word
Get used to it. Moderator Cut. It will continue in middle school and through high school.
It's a really sad state of affairs that some women cannot celebrate one another and always feel they have to cut one another down in order to make themselves look better.
Last edited by Jaded; 07-19-2013 at 10:42 PM..
Reason: Language
My grand daughter had same issues. My daughter discussed it with her and told her she should tell her/them that they are entitled to their opinion but it wasn't important to her and she preferred not being friends with people who were rude and hurtful to others. A group of "nice" girls became friends and ignored the "mean" girls. Self-confidence intact and life goes on.
Ugh, middle school was the worst with the mean girls! By high school, we'd mostly grown into ourselves and out of the worst of it, but I wouldn't re-live those years from 6th to 8th grade again if you gave me a million dollars. Okay, I'm lying; I would do it for a million bucks, especially if I could go into it knowing what I know now.
My daughter is going into the 5th grade and is at a K-8 school. Fifth grade is the first year of the "upper school," so I don't know if there will be middle school issues or if we have another couple of years.
Middle school is just the WORST. I just put 2 girls through it (youngest entering high school this year, YAY!!!)
I talked to my kids about this a lot... we discussed a lot of "what if" situations... fortunately, they made it through unscathed, but I told them 1 -- if they witness girls talking crap like that, they need to stick up for the girl being picked on. and 2.. the girls who are talking crap like that...get away from them and stay away. They are fake, evil little girls and I don't want my kids emulating that type of behavior.
The only issue I ran into in middle school was one girl talking tough about my older child on facebook. I told my daughter to approach her the next day, face to face, and ask what her problem is. My daughter was afraid but she did it..and the girl instantly started the double talking, it wasn't her, one of her friends did it, etc. My daughter walked away from that confrontation feeling so much better.
It's a rough 3 years. Keep the lines of communication open, teach your kids to be caring individuals. Hopefully if enough parents follow these rules, the meanness will evaporate... (or i'm dreaming LOL)...
With situations like this I rely on roll playing with my kids a lot. We switch rolls so we can practice how we would respond. I have one going into 6th and one going into 5th. I've already gotten them into "here, take this pill. It makes my brother do really well on tests" and "one little shot of jello won't kill you. Don't you want to be cool?"
It's sad to have to teach 11 year old girls about drinking and pills and drugged drinks and date rape but I think forewarned is better than complete ignorance. I try very hard not to scare them but my grown kids have told me those little roll playing games I did with them when they were young stood more in their minds than any lecture they ever got.
My now 29 year old daughter got caught in the middle of middle school romances by running back and forth between boys and girls with messages and notes. It caused her a great deal of grief but she thought she was being helpful. She later told me middle school was so miserable for her because couples started pairing off and she felt so alone.
Mostly I remember junior high as miserable because I was the tallest girl in school and did not like to dance with short guys at sock hops! I don't remember too many parings at that time but I'm sure it was going on.
At some point kids need to learn to say "no" to people, "protect themselves" from those who are attempting to harm them, and learn that not everyone is to be trusted.
Middle school is a nasty experience to say the least, but those who do not get that experience will go out in to the world naïve and defenseless against those who are waiting to take advantage of them.
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