Getting Dad to be More Involved... (average, school, father, health)
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Can I ask a question to all the women who are posting that their men aren't doing enough. What were they doing with all their spare time BEFORE you all had a children?
Quote:
Originally Posted by rh71
You asked what else they could be responsible for that kids duties fall into moms' laps. You couldn't think of anything. It's not a list of things they need to do at that moment that they can't go pick up the kids - it's a list of responsibilities that could be split between them and they follow that routine.
Tell me why you think the overwhelming majority of pick-up / drop-off duties is mom. Maybe because they can't / won't do the others? You even said it - half.
There is some truth in this. I've dated women who saw cirtain things as being a mans role/job. They would or would refuse to do it.
You can divide this up on your own to arrive at your own conclusion.
Mowing/Landscaping - Husband
Garbage - Share
Bills - Husband
Repair work around the house (much goes unnoticed) - Husband
Equipment setup around the house - Husband
Car-related maintenance - Husband
Cooking/dishes - Only me
Laundry - Only me
Chauffeuring kids - Only me
Doc appts - Husband
Vacuuming - Only me
Homework - N/A oldest is 3.
.
I do pretty much everything 'domestic' related, and that's the way we like it, but gosh darn it, he's still my husband after 7pm and not playing a freaking video game for 6 hours instead of sleeping with his wife!!!!!
You can divide this up on your own to arrive at your own conclusion.
Mowing/Landscaping
Garbage
Bills
Repair work around the house (much goes unnoticed)
Equipment setup around the house
Car-related maintenance
Cooking/dishes
Laundry
Chauffeuring kids
Doc appts
Vacuuming
Homework
Does mom do all that? Can't imagine.
But there is a difference, as some on this list isn't part of the household's daily chores. Lawn care, repairs around the house, etc. certainly aren't something that is in an equal proportion compared to laundry, cooking, or dishes.
But there is a difference, as some on this list isn't part of the household's daily chores. Lawn care, repairs around the house, etc. certainly aren't something that is in an equal proportion compared to laundry, cooking, or dishes.
That is of course true but where did we say that men don't have to do anything that's on the woman's list once in a while? I'm sure many do help out here and there. Myself, I am responsible for and do every single thing on that list other than the groceries/cooking/dishes. That includes ALL the kids stuff. On top of a full time job. For every "case in point" for women, there are men who do more than their fair share too.
You asked what else they could be responsible for that kids duties fall into moms' laps. You couldn't think of anything. It's not a list of things they need to do at that moment that they can't go pick up the kids - it's a list of responsibilities that could be split between them and they follow that routine.
Tell me why you think the overwhelming majority of pick-up / drop-off duties is mom. Maybe because they can't / won't do the others? You even said it - half.
I'm not really following. Both working parents should split all household duties and all childcare duties. If you're not doing that then you (general you) are lazy. Simple enough. That is what this conversation is about. You did not provide a list then men typically engage in, but women instead so it doesn't make sense. It makes no more sense than your need for your children to entertain you in order for you to conduct yourself as a parent.
The mod must have cut the reply to my previous comment about the OP's three options being the worst advice ever.
The fact of the matter is that the OP has NO POWER to change her husband's behavior. You cannot change another person's behavior, no matter how badly you want to or how much you try. You can only change YOUR BEHAVIOR and how you respond to the situation.
I wish that people would quit giving the OP advice as to what steps to go through to change his behavior. It's not going to work. YOU DO NOT HAVE THE POWER. The husband knows what he is doing. He is consciously removing himself from the situation. In order to change that you have to make him WANT to be around you. How is that accomplished? By giving him lots of positive reinforcement, love, attention, affection and showing him that *every little thing, no matter how small* is appreciated beyond belief. When, and only when HE wants to be part of the family, foregoing his video games, will circumstances change.
You have got to set out the honey for your flies, not the vinegar.
20yrsinBranson
The three options you provided (in a nutshell) were: get a divorce and ruin the family; nag, whine and complain so much that your husband resorts to number 1; or suck it up. Those are not the only choices. Ostensibly, in an adult relationship, there are ways of communicating that don't resort to nagging and whining or suffering in silence. Yes, we can only change our own behavior but nagging or letting it go are NOT the only options.
I'll add that with very young babies, some men also just don't feel comfortable yet. Not that that is an excuse but we moms have to be aware of how we respond to our husbands when they DO do things. Are we frequently "correcting" them when they don't do things exactly how we might choose to? Do we take over because it's easier at the moment than letting them do it? Fathers certainly bear equal responsibility for their children but 1) we have to let them do it their way and 2) we have to look at the bigger picture sometimes. The OP's situation where the dad spends hours upon hours of gaming sounds like a serious issue that should be discussed. Everyone deserves some downtime to spend on something they enjoy - that goes for both of them. I'd set some specific times for each to do just that, then work together to come up with reasonable expectations for family time and responsibility as well.
I'm not really following. Both working parents should split all household duties and all childcare duties. If you're not doing that then you (general you) are lazy. Simple enough. That is what this conversation is about. You did not provide a list then men typically engage in, but women instead so it doesn't make sense. It makes no more sense than your need for your children to entertain you in order for you to conduct yourself as a parent.
So you're saying men's responsibilities as listed don't count. Hilarious.
Women are not capable or want to partake in all household duties. My wife for instance has never touched the lawnmower or snowblower. Or re-seeded the lawn. Or adjusted the dampers in the attic vents. Or ran cables. Or hauled stuff home. Or put up blinds on all 17 windows. Does it need to be 50/50 for you to be satisfied?
And I take offense to that "conducting yourself as a parent" statement. Just because I didn't PLAY with them I wasn't parenting? What about all the errands and all the cleaning up and all the feedings? Conveniently forgotten? Even the OP's husband has done fatherly duties.
So you're saying men's responsibilities as listed don't count. Hilarious.
Women are not capable or want to partake in all household duties. My wife for instance has never touched the lawnmower or snowblower.
I know plenty of women who mow and shovel. Just because your wife doesn't (for whatever reason) doesn't mean others don't.
In fact, when my kids were young MANY moms I knew volunteered to mow because it meant they could plug in some tunes on their iPod and be ALONE. Doing a few errands or house/yard work, uninterruped, while your spouse is still the one "in charge" of kids isn't really on the same plane as doing errands while simultaneously dealing with small children. It's often the boring, everyday stuff that has to be done while being constantly aware of the needs, wants and goings on of several small beings that really wears one down.
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