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Old 07-23-2013, 09:24 AM
 
2,189 posts, read 3,307,384 times
Reputation: 1637

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rh71 View Post
This is not a substance abuse thing that messes with the chemistry in your brain. Again, I suggest we take off the psychiatrist/psychologist hats. The addiction he has is in wanting to improve his character(s) because he's been working so hard at it. That's what most subscribers are doing. If the OP's husband is addicted only to WoW (rather than addicted to gaming and using anything and everything to deflect attention as a whole), his time will come too. Aside from giving our perspective, I think only the OP knows whether he is father material underneath.
Our views on the seriousness of addiction obviously differ greatly. I don't want to go off-topic about that. The fact remains though that the OP is unhappy with the current situation. I don't think your advice of essentially "just put up with it until the kids are more entertaining and his WOW guild disbands and his addiction runs its course" is going to result in an acceptable outcome for her.

 
Old 07-23-2013, 10:17 AM
 
1,259 posts, read 2,254,442 times
Reputation: 1306
I would start dropping the kids more on him. I do that with DH because I believe in a 50/50 parenting deal. If he can't do 50/50 I'd let him know I'll be switching to a part job since, he thinks it's okay for him to be a part time father since someone has to take care of the kids. Or you can just continue to push him to do more. When they wake up at night, I'd yell for DH to fix it and bring them to their father. Stop trying to do it all for him.

If you continue to take on the majority of the burden your DH will have no incentive to change. You need to get him in the habit of doing more. When he's gaming, I'd keep interupting and asking him to do things. Don't let him think what he is doing is okay or acceptable. Perhaps ask him if he'd be okay with you finding another man to take on daddy and husband duties since he is incapable, lol.

I left out of town for a few days and my coworkers were like oh my god can you really trust your DH with your child. I feel sad for some women who have let their DH off the hook so much that people feel men are incapable of child rearing. DH does an excellent job with our child and can even do her hair in all sorts of ponytails.
 
Old 07-23-2013, 10:26 AM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,804,382 times
Reputation: 28031
My husband didn't want to do a lot with our kids when they were tiny. He said he was afraid he would hurt them somehow or leave them unattended while he went to the restroom and they would get into something and get hurt. He actually got a second full-time job when we had our second child, so that I couldn't go back to work and leave him sharing the childcare duties. Once he got that second job, he completely quit helping out around the house. When he got a better-paying job so he didn't need two jobs, he spent all his free time sleeping, for several years. He would get up an hour and a half before it was time to go to work, eat, then leave for work. He would come home from work and go right to bed. On his days off, he would be awake for four or five hours and spend the rest of the time sleeping. He insisted he needed the rest to make up for the year he worked two full-time jobs. He didn't stop sleeping that much until I broke my leg and he had to help out around the house for three months.

He's currently working 12 hours a day, 4 days a week. He spends his off time on the computer. He even eats dinner while using his computer. He sometimes only gets 4 hours of sleep a night because he can't get off the computer (until we have an internet outage caused by me unplugging the router). He's not playing a game, he's not having an online affair or spending all his time chatting on facebook...all he does is read about guns all the time. He can identify every gun he sees in a movie or that one of his coworkers is carrying, he can quote stats about it, etc. Meanwhile, 90% of the things I tell him or our kids tell him, he can't remember 5 minutes later. I guess he has a limited amount of storage space in his brain and it's full.

In my case, my husband says it's fair that he has free time when he gets home because I can spend all day long doing whatever I want (sure I can, the house cleans itself, the clothes wash themselves, dinner magically appears when I imagine it). He also insisted that I homeschool our oldest daughter, which means that during the school year, I work with her from 8 am until 5 or 6 pm, then spend two hours cooking dinner (because hubby hates quick meals), and spend all day Sat and Sun cleaning the house and catching up on laundry. This year both of my children will be doing online school, which will probably take even more time.

Anyhow, OP, I don't have any advice for you, just sympathy. Your kids are lucky that one of you is a good caregiver. I know families where both parents have hobbies that take up all their free time and the kids suffer for it.
 
Old 07-23-2013, 12:43 PM
 
2,234 posts, read 1,755,314 times
Reputation: 856
Quote:
Originally Posted by rh71 View Post
I'm actually not an avid gamer - never was - don't even know the games that come out every year nor can I name those that have. WoW is the only game I play and not even so much anymore. Through the last 5+ years I've been playing, I went from casual to serious and back to very casual. In that same amount of time I have seen people I've come to know personally come and go in the same way. This is the personal experience I speak of. People form and join guilds and "raid" with each other. Over time, these guilds fall apart and the urge to play drops when there are less familiar people to play with. If not that, then the 3 scheduled nights a week of 4+ hours of game time can wear on you. If there's one negative, it's that it's VERY repetitive. Every week you do the same thing. People simply burn out and find other things to do. WoW has been around for a lot of years. It is actually winding down and the subscription numbers once in the 11 million range is now down to 8 million. No other MMORPG in all these years has successfully replaced WoW. Where does everyone go? Likely not raiding 4 hours a night anymore...

This is not a substance abuse thing that messes with the chemistry in your brain. Again, I suggest we take off the psychiatrist/psychologist hats. The addiction he has is in wanting to improve his character(s) because he's been working so hard at it. That's what most subscribers are doing. If the OP's husband is addicted only to WoW (rather than addicted to gaming and using anything and everything to deflect attention as a whole), his time will come too. Aside from giving our perspective, I think only the OP knows whether he is father material underneath.
It's not something the man needs psychiatrist/psychologist for as far as addiction goes, and a grown man (or woman) playing a game online doesn't make them a loser. If anything, I think they both need to talk to a psychiatrist about their relationship.

This should be something that you 2 should be able to compromise about. Respectfully and without attacking him or being hostile, ask him to at least give you 2 or 3 hours a day to yourself, while he watched the kids. Ask that you get a day to yourself, or at least 1 date night a month or every other week so both of you can get a break together....

Taking the advice of some of the women by going at him in a judgmental and/or negative way isn't going to fix the problem...

Last edited by DoniDanko; 07-23-2013 at 12:58 PM..
 
Old 07-23-2013, 01:47 PM
 
Location: Long Island
9,531 posts, read 15,839,861 times
Reputation: 5948
Quote:
Originally Posted by Braunwyn View Post
You sign "a dad" as if your views here are representative of dads in general. Do you think that's the case? I wonder if this character (caricature really) adds to, or is responsible for, the current culture of disrespect some have towards men in our society. Often in the relationships forum I read men complaning about how men are portrayed on TV and in movies- the big kid dad whose wife calls him her 2nd or 3rd child. A desire to be entertained by children, and in general, makes me think of this as well as the mindset of "helping out mom" with the kids. My husband is not like that, although my cousin's husband is. Dad's definitely play with their kids more and this is an important role, but for some guys it seems to have gone to the extreme.

With my husband and daughter I try to take a position that I will help him out when he needs it, not the other way around. That doesn't mean that he partakes in more childcare than I do. I'm so tuned into my daughter that it's impossible. But, I don't what the dynamic of her helper dad or baby sitting dad. He is a primary caretaker of our child as I am. I think that's best for our daughter.
You want to hear irony? I'm frustrated that my town (a good one geared towards family and schools) has a FB group with 1391 members, named (townname) Moms. I had to join with my wife's account instead and log on as her. I am the one doing 90% of my kids' activities and planning (my wife commutes for 3 hrs each day). Apparently this "change in culture" is still not pervasive. Parents dropping their kids off and picking up at camp - I'd say there's 1 guy for every 15+ women. A lot are dual income families - why are the women doing the perceived heavy lifting when it comes to their kids? Probably because the men have their share of other responsibilities.

Yes, I think dads have a set role although it differs in degree for each family (like mine). I don't think what my views are should be a surprise at all. Nor odd - guys are probably more blunt / no BS with their actions. If more posted here we'd likely have a lot more disagreements.

Last edited by ovi8; 07-23-2013 at 02:10 PM..
 
Old 07-23-2013, 01:52 PM
 
16,715 posts, read 19,358,105 times
Reputation: 41482
Why did you use your wife's name? Be proud to use your own name. You'd be surprised how many women applaud men for that. Or create your own page!
 
Old 07-23-2013, 02:06 PM
 
2,234 posts, read 1,755,314 times
Reputation: 856
Quote:
Originally Posted by rh71 View Post
You want to know irony? I'm frustrated that my town (a good one geared towards family and schools) has a FB group with nearly 3000 members, named (townname) Moms. I had to join with my wife's account instead and log on as her. I am the one doing 90% of my kids' activities and planning (my wife commutes for 3 hrs each day). Apparently this "change in culture" is still not pervasive. Parents dropping their kids off and picking up at camp - I'd say there's 1 guy for every 15+ women. A lot are dual income families - why are the women doing the perceived heavy lifting when it comes to their kids? Probably because the men have their share of other responsibilities.

Yes, I think dads have a set role although it differs in degree for each family (like mine). I don't think what my views are should be a surprise at all. Nor odd - guys are probably more blunt / no BS with their actions.
Men's role in relationships don't count for anything... Well at least not to most women. I was between jobs when my oldest was born. I did all the changing diapers, cooking, and cleaning and his mother worked. my roll wasn't viewed by other women as being a job... I was looked at by other women including my son's mother as a loser who needed to get a job and contribute financially. When got a job working 12+ hours a day, then the problem was I wasn't spending enough time with the kids...

Just like you might see more women doing the heavy lifting with the kids, you'll also see more men doing the heavy lifting when it comes to financially. Either was it's a lose lose situation for us.

Last edited by DoniDanko; 07-23-2013 at 02:14 PM..
 
Old 07-23-2013, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Long Island
9,531 posts, read 15,839,861 times
Reputation: 5948
Quote:
Originally Posted by convextech View Post
Why did you use your wife's name? Be proud to use your own name. You'd be surprised how many women applaud men for that. Or create your own page!
Because it's a closed group and I had to be "accepted". Many posters start off a post by saying "hi ladies..."

The purpose of the group is to share local information and recommendations. It defeats the purpose to have more than 1 group.
 
Old 07-23-2013, 02:26 PM
 
19,045 posts, read 25,153,086 times
Reputation: 13485
Quote:
Originally Posted by rh71 View Post
You want to hear irony? I'm frustrated that my town (a good one geared towards family and schools) has a FB group with 1391 members, named (townname) Moms. I had to join with my wife's account instead and log on as her. I am the one doing 90% of my kids' activities and planning (my wife commutes for 3 hrs each day). Apparently this "change in culture" is still not pervasive. Parents dropping their kids off and picking up at camp - I'd say there's 1 guy for every 15+ women. A lot are dual income families - why are the women doing the perceived heavy lifting when it comes to their kids? Probably because the men have their share of other responsibilities.

Yes, I think dads have a set role although it differs in degree for each family (like mine). I don't think what my views are should be a surprise at all. Nor odd - guys are probably more blunt / no BS with their actions. If more posted here we'd likely have a lot more disagreements.
I don't know what those other responsibilities would be. Every family needs to do what works for them, but with both parents bringing home the bacon, and the other primarily cooking it up and taking care of the brood, I don't see how it's sustainable. I couldn't do it at least. And I don't think your views are a surprise or unique. As I mentioned, there is an already existing arena that makes fun of, and belittles, men to the rank of children due to the message you are conveying here. I'm not sure what the no BS in action means. This thread is all about a man's BS.

Imo, if women want this kind of behavior to change they have to start managing their husbands and families. But, when it gets to the point where it is now with the OP, I'm not sure what the solution is for her. I know what I would do because I know what my husband will tolerate and he knows what I will (and won't) tolerate. The very idea of him retiring to a room to play video games while I cared for our child day in and day out is unthinkable. The least of his problems would be his computer thrown into the fire pit in the backyard.
 
Old 07-23-2013, 03:03 PM
 
Location: Katy
17 posts, read 47,668 times
Reputation: 26
Your husband does more than mine. We both work full-time (I'm the breadwinner) but because my job is not physical (I sit at a desk, he works on cars) he doesn't feel like he should do as much. He watches her when I make bottles, cook dinner, fold clothes, but he'll only go as far as changing a diaper. Forget about feeding her or giving her a bath. I tell him she'll only be a baby for a short time. I think he thinks he'll help out more when she's older, but I'm afraid he may just get used to how things are. We both complain that the other isn't doing enough. It's a cycle.

As far as your husband - maybe add one task at a time so it doesn't appear overwhelming. Or maybe even suggest joining him, you both can play games AFTER you both get the kid chores done. Ask him to show you what he's doing as if you have an interest. I totally understand how hard it can be convincing him to take on more - their defense come up and they think since we're the mother it's our duty to provide more.

Chime in men - what would work for you??
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