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Good morning!
So we are considering a HUGE move to PA in the next 3 or so years after I retire, which is very exciting for my husband and I. Together we have 4 kids, he has 3, and I have 1. All 4 kids are attending college, 1 is married with a baby on the way, and they are all working and creating their own lives and future.
Problem is, I cannot get the thought of "abandonment" out of my head if we go through with our plans in the next few years. I am not overly concerned with my step-children feeling abandoned, as they will still have their mother here in the same town. I will however, feel like I am abandoning my son, who is currently 22 years old. My husband adopted him when he was 8 years old, so we are the only parents he has. Of course he tells me to go, and it's our time to live the lives we want, but I feel so guilty thinking that we could just up and go. For 8 years of his life, it was just him and I. We see each other weekly, mostly when he comes to pickup mail, or the once in a while lunch date with each other. We see each other as often as we can, but he is still in that "mom, I've got my own life going here" sort of mode. I try not to be over bearing, and let him have his space.
He is a good kid, makes some dumb decisions sometimes, but is working to pay his way in life. I figure in 3 years from now when we are ready to go, he will be 25 and set in his life, hopefully have a nice girl in his life.
Looking for some words of wisdom from parents who have left their adult kids for better retirement, or even from the kids who have been left by parents moving out of state.
It might seem like a good idea now, but think down the line a little. Your son will get married and have a child, and you will rarely see that child. At some point, you'll be old enough to need a little help, maybe a lot of help, and then at some point your son will have to take time off work to fly over and try to help you and eventually make arrangements to move you back near him. This has happened with many of my relatives. You really have to decide what's more important to you - living a separate life now, apart from your family, for whatever reason you're moving, or being close to family. For me, I would choose family, but not all my relatives have chosen that way. In the end though, they've all had to come back, one way or another.
When my brothers left the nest it was hard for my mom. And now that I have a son I do understand. But someone needs to be rough. Lol
Cut the cord!
If he has a job and means to contact you and the other siblings it should be ok. Warning pa gets pretty darn cold. Be prepared to winterize your house, car, and yourself!
Long distance family relationships do work. Everyone has to be willing to "go the extra mile". Don't worry about "tit for tat", e.g. "I went there the last time, so he should come here this time". Road trips across the country can be fun for the kids (ask mine)! Watch for airline deals.
I think you should go too. I moved away across an ocean when I was 23 and it was hard for everyone but it will get better. He is an adult and he knows that you are not abandoning him. He knows that you love him. That's what important. Do you have skype. Its a super easy way to call your family and communicate, and it is free and you can look at him while you are talking.
Good luck to you
My parents moved 600 miles away. They recently bought a second home back here to be around the family more. I don't think they regret moving, but they do regret the time away from the family they left behind.
It might seem like a good idea now, but think down the line a little. Your son will get married and have a child, and you will rarely see that child. At some point, you'll be old enough to need a little help, maybe a lot of help, and then at some point your son will have to take time off work to fly over and try to help you and eventually make arrangements to move you back near him. This has happened with many of my relatives. You really have to decide what's more important to you - living a separate life now, apart from your family, for whatever reason you're moving, or being close to family. For me, I would choose family, but not all my relatives have chosen that way. In the end though, they've all had to come back, one way or another.
I would never ask my children to give up their life to assist me in my life. I would not take their freedom away from them.
I mean, I understand what you are coming from and I am not judging you or saying you are wrong, but personally, I just could not do that to my kids. Maybe I am the one who is wrong.
My parents moved away from my 3 oldest brothers after they had left home, they had no problem with it and since then moved to their own areas of the country. Our whole family is now very split up (after I moved countries and my parents moved again) but we make the effort to get together when we can and with facebook and skype its very easy to keep contact these days anyway.
My parents left 7 kids behind when they moved from NJ to NC for retirement. My mother was reluctant to go, but it's where my father wanted to be, and she agreed for his sake. In return, he vowed he would bring her back to NJ no less than 2 x's/year for extended visits with family and friends. And, he did it, for years. A funny thing happened though, most of those kids moved away too, and friends died. If they had remained in NJ, they would have been the ones waiting for people to visit.
As it stands now, my widowed mother has at least one of her children visiting monthly.
I have up'd and moved away from family twice......when I retired I moved to California from the north east....(2 sons in Maine and 1 son in SC. a GD in Maine and in SC)......I didn't like Ca and moved back to Maine...it was nice being close to 2 of my sons and 1 of the GDs.......but ended up moving to Florida.....where we have no one.
I never considered my moves to be "abandonment" and I don't think any of my kids did either.....we consider ourselves "close" altho I wont see them more than once a year.....if that. We communicate several times a week. Their lives are busy and full.......they don't have to feel guilty about not visiting.....it isn't in the cards....most of the time....Although we did buy a house that easily accommodates company and we offer to fly them here once a year. One family did come down for last xmas.
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