Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Before I begin let me ask that this be kept to a constructive discussion. I know this is a situation of my own making. The question is how to best deal with it now not what I did wrong to get here.
My 20 YO dd, her dh and their baby live with dh and I because they can't afford to live on their own. Honestly, if they paid their way and were considerate of the rest of the family I would not care if they never moved out because I've found that I really like living with my grand baby. The problem is they don't pay their way and aren't considerate of others. I really can't afford to keep paying their way but I am reluctant to kick my grandson out. The baby is the innocent one here. To complicate things further dd is pregnant again so soon it will be two babies in the house as her children will be 13 months apart.
I am really torn. Part of me is tired of footing the bill for them and them acting like they're entitled to help of this kind and part of me likes the idea of my grandchildren living with me. We're about to pack my youngest off to college and I've realized that having my grandson here fills a void for me. I have never had any desire to live by myself. I've always lived in a house full of people. I'm one of 8 kids and dh had two kids who lived with us when we got married. No sooner did they move out and we had two of our own.
I don't care to discuss how we got here. I'm looking for ways to improve the situation. Dh is not on board with insisting they pay rent. They're supposed to be saving money towards moving out but I know they spend everything they get as they keep having to pay bills late (car, cell phone and insurance). Ideally I'd like them to pay their way (they think it's free for them to live here ) and help out around the house but if that doesn't happen I need to find a way to get them out without my grandson living in sub par conditions. I could really use some helpful advice.
1. Continue to accept their behavior in exchange for your grandchild(ren) living with you.
2. Give them a list of very specific conditions/timeframe they must agree to if they want to live with you and follow through with asking them to leave if they do not.
They are not going to evolve suddenly into people who are responsible in saving the money to live on their own. With another kid on the way, that goal is going to move farther and farther out of reach if they do not do anything to help themselves. Either you uncomplainingly accept things as they are or show them the door and accept the consequences.
Have you sat down with them and taught them how to manage their money? Helped them make a budget and track their spending? And shown them the expenses that you are paying and how much they are incurring and how you are having trouble paying for it all? And discussed and decided upon an amount that they need to contribute to household bills? If they are living with you and intending to continue doing so as a multi-generational family, it's not "none of your business". Make it your business.
Have you thought about charging them a nominal fee for rent and utilities. A friend of mine did that and I think she charged $250/month. She kept $200 and put $50, without telling them about it, in a special account to give them to help out with deposits when they got ready to move. She didn't tell them about the $50 because she didn't want them to feel she owed it to them but she also didn't want lack of deposits to stop them from moving on when the time came.
I don't know what to tell you Ivory, 2 kids 13 months apart of parents with a couple of community college hours does not bode well for becoming self sufficient anytime in the real near future. I suspect those grandbabies, at least for a couple of years, will need more than for you just to help out financially. Two kids that close in age are emotionally and physically challenging in the best of circumstances.
Good luck.
__________________
When I post in bold red that is moderator action and, per the TOS, can only be discussed through Direct Message.
They are not going to evolve suddenly into people who are responsible in saving the money to live on their own. Either you accept things as they are or show them the door and accept the consequences.
Why are we expecting them to just figure out how to be responsible in saving money without any instruction or practice? Why is it so taboo to teach them and let them practice before forcing them to try it on their own? They either know or they don't and there's nothing you can do about it? Really? Why? I don't get it.
Why are we expecting them to just figure out how to be responsible in saving money without any instruction or practice? Why is it so taboo to teach them and let them practice before forcing them to try it on their own? They either know or they don't and there's nothing you can do about it? Really? Why? I don't get it.
Remember the part where I said "specific conditions/timeframe"? That could be part of those. IF the issue is a lack of money management skills, there could be a requirement to take a personal finance class or to just sit down, create a budget and prove every month they are sticking to it and meeting their goals.
I did this with my kids at a young age. I think every parent should. These "kids" are 20. If their parents failed to educate them on financial responsibilities, they can try and do it now. But I suspect that anything the OP asks/tells these 2 to do is ignored and it sounds like she and her husband disagree on what if any financial contribution they should be expected to make to the household. They might be the kind of people that just feel they are entitled to what they are given and don't see any reason to step up and do anything for themselves. OP didn't include any information about jobs or income, so kinda hard to know if their finances are a mess because they lack the skill or the desire to do better.
I would tell them they have six months to get their act together. Put an agreement in front of them that they have to pay rent, pull their weight, be productive. The only way you are going to help them, is by actually stop helping them.
my wife, son and I lived at my dads house till I was 24. It was clear that if I wasn't working if was our responsibility to clean the house. having no job skills and the michigan economy taking a dump it was hard to find a well paying job, to afford to move out.
I eventually figured out it would.be smart to try to get into subsidised housing. about half a year later we got in and thats how I got out of my dads house.
Sounds like you need to have them go to the welfare office to get a list of subsidised housing.projects in the area. as long as your low income and have a kid you.are approved. they should be doing everythinf they can do to make life easier for everyone in the house. they sound like its just expected that they.should.be allowed to live there.
you could also bring up that if things dont change then they can live at the shelter which will also help them get low income housing. its great to help.your kids out but they shouldnt be walking over you either. they need to realize they are a burden and its your job to make that clear.
My dad has brought many of my brothers friends into the house with a rule that fhey save there money to move out. out of 6 or 7 of them, only one actually saved up and got out without my dad having to kick him out. what ever you decide, its not going to be easy cuz most likely th
ey arent going to save what they need go get out.
Remember the part where I said "specific conditions/timeframe"? That could be part of those. IF the issue is a lack of money management skills, there could be a requirement to take a personal finance class or to just sit down, create a budget and prove every month they are sticking to it and meeting their goals.
I did this with my kids at a young age. I think every parent should, but I suspect that anything the OP asks these 2 to do is ignored. They might be the kind of people that just feel they are entitled to what they are given and don't see any reason to step up and do anything for themselves. OP didn't include any information about jobs or income, so kinda hard to know why their finances are a mess and if they lack the skill or the desire to do better.
Some parents forget to teach their kids about money. Some parents try to teach their kids about money, and the kids don't get it the first time around, and just need more instruction. Managing money responsibly is not exactly the easiest skill in the world to pick up.
Some kids don't give a crap not matter what you do.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that make sure you cover the first type of kids first, before you jump to the second type. Make sure they ACTUALLY don't give a crap before you treat them like they don't give a crap.
I know your dh isn't onboard with them paying rent, but they should be either 1) contributing to the household or 2) proving they're saving to be independent.
You should all have a meeting where it's all drawn out. Things that need to be discussed: 1) Their income now. Any changes that are expected 2) Their expected monthly expenses now and when they move out 3) Saving plan toward moving out 4) Oversight.
On their paydays, they should show where the money is going. Not on the 1st and 15th, but when they get it. Have a spreadsheet where you keep track. When their bank statements come in, they should show the two of you how they are spending/saving their funds. If they don't like it, that's okay. This isn't about being happy with them, it's about teaching them financial discipline. If they refuse to participate, then it's time to evict them.
Put it all in writing, make sure all 4 adults in the house sign the agreement as to how you're going to proceed from here on out. Put the consequences in there too.
Enabling them is different from teaching them. You need to set boundaries for yourself and stick to them. Living with a grandchild may be fun, but wouldn't it be great if you got to be just a grandmother to that baby and not it's parent? Because by providing a roof over it's head and food in it's mouth, you are co-parenting that child.
My husband's aunt used to love buying gifts for my kids, even though she had grandbabies of her own. She said it was really freeing and fun to walk into the toy store or clothing store and buy something she thought they would like - without having to consider their NEEDS.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
) and help out around the house but if that doesn't happen I need to find a way to get them out without my grandson living in sub par conditions. I could really use some helpful advice.
