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I have to agree with Hypocore. Work with the kid's nature. If the chores in the AM are a problem, give him different chores later in the day. Or give him a choice. Scoop the litter in the AM, (a two minute job) or unload the dishwasher after school. (a 5 minute job) let him pick. My kids always do chores more willingly if I give them a list of 8 and tell them to choose 3 each. I'm sorry, but the natural consequences of missing the bus, being late, getting marked tardy...never going to be important to most boys.
Depends on the boy. My nephew was on the intramural baseball team and missing school meant missing practice and missing practice meant missing the games. His parents had issues with him in the morning; when they stopped waking him up and holding his hand throughout the day he magically figured out how to get himself up, dressed and to the bus stop on time.
I think there's been some great answers on this thread so far; I'm all for using privileges. My 7 year old likes to play computer games. The rule is that he has to be up, dressed, bed made & breakfast eaten before the pc can come on. If he moves in a timely manner he has about 15 minutes of game time...other days less and sometimes none but I always let him know "YOU are wasting YOUR computer time." That way he knows the results are directly related to his actions.
Interestingly, my friends who had kids who consistently had waking up and getting themselves to school on time issues...All of these kids managed to accomplish it once they moved out for college
12 going on 13 is a reasonable age to wake up on one's own and get dressed and out the door on time. Count me among the "let them suffer the natural consequences of their actions" group.
Me, too! We had similar problems with our younger daughter when she was in 10th grade, age 15. DH and I very much disagreed on how to handle the situation. He felt it important that she never be late. (That's his Scandinavian nature.) He'd remind her several times to get up, yell at her, look for stuff for her, etc. I thought the logical consequence of getting a tardy would more than motivate her. She always wanted to seem on top of things with her friends, e.g. the kid who wasn't late, etc.
One day she absolutely wasn't ready and he needed to go to work. She couldn't find her shoes. I told him to go on to work and I'd take her when I was good and ready, after she found her shoes. I made sure she was late. I know this sounds mean, but this was after months of trying to get her going in the morning. It turns out her first period class was PE, and the teacher didn't take attendance until everyone was "dressed out" and in the gym, so she didn't get an official tardy. However, after that she was always ready to leave on time. She also learned that she didn't really need to spend precious minutes fixing her hair; she could put it in a pony tail, and other short cuts to her morning routine. In addition, she learned to get up early enough to do what had to be done.
Shockingly, DH even admitted that I was right, probably for the first time ever in our marriage.
Last edited by Katarina Witt; 08-15-2013 at 10:16 PM..
My son used to stay in the shower until the water got cold if we let him. And he'd just stand there in one place under the water, not washing but just standing there (my husband saw that's what he was in the habit of doing; I didn't go in there). Yelling at him that he was going to miss the bus didn't make a difference; he just moved at his own pace, never rushed for anything. Newer houses have a separate water heater for the bathroom, but our house doesn't. If he was in the shower too long, we'd tell him he needed to get out and if he didn't turn the water off in a couple of minutes, we'd turn on the water in the kitchen and freeze him out. That's the only thing that worked.
When I was in 7th grade, my mother announced she would no longer drive me to school if I missed the school bus. She said I could take the public bus. That was fine with me. For many weeks, I walked 2 miles to the public bus stop. (We lived in the suburbs so public transportation wasn't nearby.) I don't remember how late I was getting to school. It must have been a half hour or more. Almost everyday. I didn't care. The bus was normally an express downtown, but the driver would swing through the town where my school was located. One day, I got on the bus and said hello to the driver assuming he knew me after all this time. I forgot to mention where I needed to go. I sat in horror as the bus took the bypass and got onto the highway to downtown Pittsburgh.
Fortunately, I was always blessed with a photographic memory and a good sense of direction. I had been to my father's office once when I was in kindergarten. The bus stop was on the other side of downtown, but I made my way to my father's office building carrying my school books while men on the sidewalk and construction workers were making lewd comments to me.
When I reached my father's office building, the guard helped me and called upstairs to my father's secretary. When I reached his office, his secretary told me my father was in Japan. I had forgotten he was out of town on a business trip. He had left that morning before I woke up. She called my house and got my older sister. I have no idea where my mother was. My sister didn't drive. She had to call and wake up her boyfriend who lived on the other side of town. He drove all the way to our house to pick her up and they both came downtown, picked me up, and took me to school.
I arrive at school at some crazy late time like 11am. I end up in the principal's office. I tell him my story. He calls the public bus office. They tell him the bus I took is an express that NEVER goes into the town where the school is located. It had been taking me into that town for a few weeks because the bus driver was nice to me, but I had no proof. I was deemed a liar who was purposely skipping school. I got three weeks after school suspension.
Guess what? I never missed the school bus again!
Even kids who don't care about being late eventually have a natural consequences that will set them straight.
It sounds like he has plenty of time to get everything done, so what exactly is slowing him down? Is he taking too long to do specific tasks, or is he just wasting time between them? If he is wasting time, what exactly is he doing then?
Some people just are not morning people and are not very able to rush. I am one of them, and 1 hour is about the fastest I can go if I need to get out in the morning but prefer a little more time than that. I like listing to music or the radio for about 15-30 minutes before I do anything. Some people are morning people others are not.
First make sure he is getting enough sleep at night teenagers usually need more sleep than adults. At that age I used to take an afternoon nap and also sleep at night. Teenagers need about 9 ¼ hours worth of sleep a night. This means that if he needs to get up at 6, he needs to be in bed by about 8-9 P.M. so that he can wind down and hopefully be asleep by 10 or so. While at 13 I didn't have a strict bed time there was an expectation that about 8:30-9p.m. I would be in bed. Sleep for Teenagers - National Sleep Foundation.
I personally wouldn’t attempt to take a shower in the morning due to the possible clean up (i.e. the tub will need cleaning) and schedule conflicts (other people may need the bathroom) and the fact that all systems just are not go for me in the morning. It is much faster just to wash up in the morning.
I certainly would not attempt to take a shower, get dressed, eat, clean out litter boxes and let out pets in a 1:30 at most. If he needs to wash his hair limit it to that or have him take a shower before going to bed.
The pets, eating and getting dressed are reasonable in this time period but the shower may be a bit too much. As for the cat there is a product called litter genie I used to use it to allow me to scoop the litter before I go to work cause it saved me a trip out to the garbage can in the morning. I would take it out at night. Going to the garbage only took about 5 mins worth of time but it was at a time is when it is much more precious(before work) and it sometimes caused drama(I once stepped into some droppings and had to clean my shoes before going to work!).
The problem isn't that he is slow in the morning the problem is he isn't ready to go by the time he needs to leave. You need to find the balance between tasks that must be done and what is is capable of in the morning.
I have a 4 & 6 year old. Here is what has worked for me.
First, yes, I get them up earlier. In fact, I expect the 6 year-old to get up HERSELF. She has to be ready to go by 6:45 to catch the 6:50 bus. I set the alarm clock in her room for 6:20 a.m. She is EXPECTED to get herself up & ready in-time to be out the door by 6:45, a full 25 minutes away. That's plenty.
The clothes are laid out & such, and no I don't do it for her, I EXPECT HER TO, the same as I expect her to get her own self up once the clock has buzzed. I remind her periodically of the need for laying out clothes etc the night before, & have in the past instructed her HOW, but once done, now it's on her to actually do it. It isn't my job to do it for her. It's my job to teach, not to do for her what she can do for herself.
If she flunks it a couple of times, she gets to see the side of me she does not want to see. It's not a pretty side at all. She knows it's there, she knows how ugly it is, & she knows when I threaten to pull up Mr. No-So-Nice-Guy, that I WILL do so I'm not just saying it.
I've rarely had any trouble at all.
LRH
Im afraid of this mentality...
Your Mr. Not So Nice Guy scares me and what damage it may be causing your daughter.. She is 6 years old....
I'm sorry I started this thread, then didn't participate in it much yesterday.
I had a busy day here at work, and not a lot of free time after I posed this question.
I will try to go back through and answer individual questions/responses.
I do appreciate everyones input.
We had a family talk last night, and we let him know that he is going to be a teenager in a few months and that he will be expected to achieve a certain level of matureness. We talked about what he needs to do every morning (he does his afternoon chores with no hassle). We talked about the reasons (I like being told a reason, rather than just because I told you so). I said that it is no different than me getting up and getting to work and performing there. I told him that if I didn't get up and drive to work, then we wouldn't be able to pay our bills and that sort of thing. I asked him how long does he thing each task will take him. We went over the list (shower, eat, feed dogs, etc), and he gave input on how long each task would realistically take. The idea was that he will wake up as early as he needs to as long as it all gets done.
Here is what we settled on last night:
The night before going to bed:
-put food in dog bowls so they are ready to be set out in the morning
-lay out clothes for the next day
-once homework is complete, put backpack in closet so it can be grabbed in the morning
6:00 to 6:05 -- Wake up, turn on shower, grab dog bowls and feed dogs
6:05 to 6:35 -- Shower, get dressed, put on shoes.
6:35 to 6:45 -- Go downstairs, scoop litter, put dogs outside
6:45 to 7:15 -- Eat Breakfast
7:15 to 7:25 -- Brush teeth, clean eyeglasses, brush hair, grab backpack and then be downstairs ready to leave house
7:30 -- Walk out the front door
I am pleased to announce that he followed his routine this morning, and it worked well.
This is only the third day of school, so I have hope.
In our talks, I likened his routine to 'the big game'. I told him that with baseball, he has to practice several times before the game. And that every morning is like game day. If he can't get all of this done, and he needs practice, then I suggested that we can practice on the weekends. He can walk the paces, set out empty dog bowls, take shower, etc over and over on Saturday. If he has to take 5-6 showers to practice, then so be it.
I will keep everyone posted, and like I said, I will try to respond to everyones questions later today.
I'm sorry I started this thread, then didn't participate in it much yesterday.
I had a busy day here at work, and not a lot of free time after I posed this question.
I will try to go back through and answer individual questions/responses.
I do appreciate everyones input.
We had a family talk last night, and we let him know that he is going to be a teenager in a few months and that he will be expected to achieve a certain level of matureness. We talked about what he needs to do every morning (he does his afternoon chores with no hassle). We talked about the reasons (I like being told a reason, rather than just because I told you so). I said that it is no different than me getting up and getting to work and performing there. I told him that if I didn't get up and drive to work, then we wouldn't be able to pay our bills and that sort of thing. I asked him how long does he thing each task will take him. We went over the list (shower, eat, feed dogs, etc), and he gave input on how long each task would realistically take. The idea was that he will wake up as early as he needs to as long as it all gets done.
Here is what we settled on last night:
The night before going to bed:
-put food in dog bowls so they are ready to be set out in the morning
-lay out clothes for the next day
-once homework is complete, put backpack in closet so it can be grabbed in the morning
6:00 to 6:05 -- Wake up, turn on shower, grab dog bowls and feed dogs
6:05 to 6:35 -- Shower, get dressed, put on shoes.
6:35 to 6:45 -- Go downstairs, scoop litter, put dogs outside
6:45 to 7:15 -- Eat Breakfast
7:15 to 7:25 -- Brush teeth, clean eyeglasses, brush hair, grab backpack and then be downstairs ready to leave house
7:30 -- Walk out the front door
I am pleased to announce that he followed his routine this morning, and it worked well.
This is only the third day of school, so I have hope.
In our talks, I likened his routine to 'the big game'. I told him that with baseball, he has to practice several times before the game. And that every morning is like game day. If he can't get all of this done, and he needs practice, then I suggested that we can practice on the weekends. He can walk the paces, set out empty dog bowls, take shower, etc over and over on Saturday. If he has to take 5-6 showers to practice, then so be it.
I will keep everyone posted, and like I said, I will try to respond to everyones questions later today.
That's fantastic. Excellently done. Good move to settle on a plan together, makes him responsible for following through. And I think you really did impart that being on time is its own reward.
I'm sorry I started this thread, then didn't participate in it much yesterday.
I had a busy day here at work, and not a lot of free time after I posed this question.
I will try to go back through and answer individual questions/responses.
I do appreciate everyones input.
We had a family talk last night, and we let him know that he is going to be a teenager in a few months and that he will be expected to achieve a certain level of matureness. We talked about what he needs to do every morning (he does his afternoon chores with no hassle). We talked about the reasons (I like being told a reason, rather than just because I told you so). I said that it is no different than me getting up and getting to work and performing there. I told him that if I didn't get up and drive to work, then we wouldn't be able to pay our bills and that sort of thing. I asked him how long does he thing each task will take him. We went over the list (shower, eat, feed dogs, etc), and he gave input on how long each task would realistically take. The idea was that he will wake up as early as he needs to as long as it all gets done.
Here is what we settled on last night:
The night before going to bed:
-put food in dog bowls so they are ready to be set out in the morning
-lay out clothes for the next day
-once homework is complete, put backpack in closet so it can be grabbed in the morning
6:00 to 6:05 -- Wake up, turn on shower, grab dog bowls and feed dogs
6:05 to 6:35 -- Shower, get dressed, put on shoes.
6:35 to 6:45 -- Go downstairs, scoop litter, put dogs outside
6:45 to 7:15 -- Eat Breakfast
7:15 to 7:25 -- Brush teeth, clean eyeglasses, brush hair, grab backpack and then be downstairs ready to leave house
7:30 -- Walk out the front door
I am pleased to announce that he followed his routine this morning, and it worked well.
This is only the third day of school, so I have hope.
In our talks, I likened his routine to 'the big game'. I told him that with baseball, he has to practice several times before the game. And that every morning is like game day. If he can't get all of this done, and he needs practice, then I suggested that we can practice on the weekends. He can walk the paces, set out empty dog bowls, take shower, etc over and over on Saturday. If he has to take 5-6 showers to practice, then so be it.
I will keep everyone posted, and like I said, I will try to respond to everyones questions later today.
This is a good schedule and great family meeting! As someone who has to come and go all day long out of my house (dog walker) a suggestion is to give him the powder room downstairs if you have one for the teeth brushing, glasses cleaning and hair. I use my hall bath for that because I brush my teeth, hair, get changed several times in one day sometimes, because I'm seeing clients and drink coffee when I'm home working on the computer between appointments. I don't want to show up with dog drool or grass stains on me at someone's house the first time LOL. It's right near my front door, so I can bolt. I have clocks everywhere.
This way he doesn't have to go upstairs at all after he comes down after the shower. To this day I remember my grandmother putting things on the steps like laundry and saying "never go upstairs empty handed and once you come down bring everything you need". LOL Sounds stupid but she was right.
Good luck. You're helping him develop lifetime habits and he'll be grateful when he's older. If he sticks to this successfully for a week, I'd even reward this [once] with some little unexpected bonus/reward or family thing to celebrate.
My very first job when my boss told me I got a $2000 merit bonus I was FREAKING OUT - I even screamed. I never even heard of the concept! I was about 19.
I really love that you said "we can practice". It's so important for parents to be present and engaged and supportive instead of just laying it out there and getting mad when there's a lapse or roadblock.
I sympathize with the kid, in our district the bus for high school started coming at some outrageous hour like 6- 6:30 because of a population boom. So annoying and inconsiderate. They need SLEEP, not more free time in the afternoon. The bus schedules were a HUGE controversy in my home town. For awhile until parents rebelled, a kid had to be on a bus 90 minutes to go 2-5 miles! The district had the nerve to say they "try and cap it at 75 minutes!!"
Last edited by runswithscissors; 08-16-2013 at 07:22 AM..
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That's the only thing that worked.
