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I'm a SAHM but I worked to some degree or another while my kids were little.
We basically made a pact, my husband and I: Until the kids are old enough to help clean up around the house, it's going ot be a mess, and we have to accept that.
The thing that I generally disagree with is how old that is. When one of the parents of the family is out bringing in the bread, with all the engaging and boring bits that that entails, I think the advice that s/he needs to come home and do the chores on the weekend because the home parent is "taking care of the kid" wears out at least by the time they are 2. Helping with the dishes and laundry is at least as enriching at that age as any play. Would you like to help with the dishes or play? Play? Ok here is the tupperware drawer, or would you prefer playdough in your high seat? Oh you want Mom to entertain you? Sorry, no. Want to screen? Ok, goferit.
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It worked out OK. Now our kids are older and the house is "passably clean" although by no means spotless. We have a bigger house than we used to as well. However, the kids more or less clean up at least the "main" areas of the houses (we are less worried about their rooms, behind closed doors, but we're working on that).
The quality standard is not super important, in my view, as long as it is lovingly worked out and compromised between the two parties. But the Can't Wah that comes with sahp and housework discussions always leave me baffled.
The thing that I generally disagree with is how old that is. When one of the parents of the family is out bringing in the bread, with all the engaging and boring bits that that entails, I think the advice that s/he needs to come home and do the chores on the weekend because the home parent is "taking care of the kid" wears out at least by the time they are 2. Helping with the dishes and laundry is at least as enriching at that age as any play. Would you like to help with the dishes or play? Play? Ok here is the tupperware drawer, or would you prefer playdough in your high seat? Oh you want Mom to entertain you? Sorry, no. Want to screen? Ok, goferit.
The quality standard is not super important, in my view, as long as it is lovingly worked out and compromised between the two parties. But the Can't Wah that comes with sahp and housework discussions always leave me baffled.
Ever have a 3 or 4 year old help you with housework? It actually takes longer. It's very valuable to the child, since they learn a lot, but it doesn't make the chore faster.
It's not just taking care of the kids - it's that they make the mess faster than it can be cleaned up! Especially when there is more than one of them.
Ever have a 3 or 4 year old help you with housework? It actually takes longer. It's very valuable to the child, since they learn a lot, but it doesn't make the chore faster.
Of course it doesn't make the chore faster. But it does make the chore done.
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It's not just taking care of the kids - it's that they make the mess faster than it can be cleaned up! Especially when there is more than one of them.
And it is a great lesson to learn to clean up your own messes.
If you have a 3/4 year old "helping" with the housework, chances are you'll be doing it again during the kid's naptime... to clean up what the kid did.
If you have a 3/4 year old "helping" with the housework, chances are you'll be doing it again during the kid's naptime... to clean up what the kid did.
Why? Do it with the kid, and show him how it is done. And sing a song for good measure.
OK...probably one of the oldest debates in modern parenting, but I need some advice.
We have a son who is almost two years old. I work full time running a family business, and will likely be expanding my duties with that in the near future. My income has gone up fairly consistently the past few years.
My wife currently works part time, 20 hours per week, M-Th. The job pays an OK hourly wage, but no benefits at all. She takes home a little over $1000/mo. We pay for our own high deductible insurance out of pocket.
My wife does not really like her current job. Her background is in education and counseling, and her current job isn't related to that at all. It's convenient for her to work there, but she isn't passionate about what she's doing, etc.
Our son goes to daycare two days a week...we each stay home with him one day per week (he goes to my parents one day per week as well). The days I stay home with him are very tough...I don't get much work done with him around, and my wife typically runs errands and works out at the gym after her job is done. I don't mind that she does this, but it ends up being a very long day for me, knowing I have stuff I should be getting done, but really can't.
The daycare situation is tenuous. He's currently going to a great at home provider, but she is technically over her limit of kids she can have. I guess one of the neighbors reported her, for whatever reason. Our son is her most recent addition, so he's the one that would have to leave. It was very tough for us to find a provider who fit our schedule/needs after he was first born. The daycare provider has basically told my wife she can only keep him for about three more weeks.
My wife would like to stay home with our son. She has a small side business she could do a few hours a week to generate some income (maybe a few hundred bucks a month realistically).
Looking at our household budget, we could get by on my income, but we would be tight. Mortgage is about 25% of my take home pay, and is our only debt. We invest in IRAs, etc. We would have to probably cut our entertainment budget in half (admittedly we got out to eat fairly often right now...usually a couple times per week), but hopefully she would be able to cook more at home. We also wouldn't have the daycare expense (obviously), and her gas spending would be cut down.
Part of me is reluctant, because she has never been a great house keeper (none of the women in her family really are, for whatever reason). I have told her very bluntly that she would have to take the reigns of the housekeeping if she stays home full time (not that I wouldn't still help, because I already do much of the laundry, dish washing, yard work, etc). She acknowledged this and has already made a weekly chore check list for herself.
Sorry for the long post...we're really wrestling with this right now. Really hope some people can give me some good advice. Thanks!
If her take home was $5,000/month and she just absolutely loved her job or had spectacular insurance, that would make sense.
You will eliminate a number of expenses by her staying home and she may be able to grow her side business, right?
She WANTS to stay home. That's pretty big, I think.
Not to undermine any SAHM who is unable to keep their home immaculate or clean but my mother was able to. She was a sahm of 4 kids, and her house was always pristine. And when I pristine I mean it with every meaning of the word possible. She was what I would consider a super mom, in that, not only was she able to teach us(she had been a teacher prior to having children) and provide great learning experiences, she was great at multi-tasking, cooking, and keeping a house clean. So good that up until she died, her home was always sparkling. How she did it--I'm not exactly sure. But I know that when she used to babysit my son, she was able to keep the home clean as well, and when I asked her how she did it--she just smiled and said "I'm an old pro at this".
I will also add though, that my mom was an overachiever and perfectionist. Everything she did, she did 110% and therefore if it meant cleaning several times a day, kids in tow, she did it. Up until she passed away she cleaned up at least 3 times a day--and I don't mean "tidying" I mean mopping, wiping fridges and cabinets down, sweeping, bleaching bathrooms etc. It was how she was raised. She had to raise 3 brothers and sisters and keep her house clean, growing up, and so by the time she had kids it was engrained in her. She wasn't old either, when she passed away in November she was 51.
That being said when I was SAHM with my son, I too was able to keep the home clean, not as clean as my mom, but clean enough to where people would come over and notice. I did it by cleaning up with him in tow(on my back usually) or following behind, and I also cleaned during his naps. At night when he went to bed was my time to unravel and have leisure time.
So it isn't like things are so black and white, where as a sahm the house will be messy, etc. It CAN be clean, and immaculate, however not for everyone. It really depends on the woman. If she doesn't have good housecleaning skills you shouldn't expect a clean home, kids or not. But there is a value (I think) in her staying at home versus making pennies and putting your child in daycare. One of the benefits is "savings", the second benefit is the bond she will get with your child, and the third benefit is that at least you know you'll have a warm meal when you get home and she'll be able to support your career right now.
The drawbacks is that these are much different then what they were even a decade ago. It's a lot more difficult for a SAHM to renter the workplace and expect to make anymore than minimum wage starting out, even if she has a degree, because of the employment gap. Her skills will be outdated, she isn't use to a work schedule, competition is fierce, and her field(Education) from what I know is difficult anyway.
So the one thing I recommend is having her continue to update her skills as a SAHM--whether that means obtaining a certificate or specializing in something in her field, with continuing education classes then so be it... Maybe having her take a class or two each semester will be great for her to keep updating her skills, getting a "break", and in the long run eventually being able to market herself once she re-enters the workforce.
Everyone always says this. But it certainly is not the OP, nor many posters, who are shooting for immaculate.
Well then he shouldn't have a problem. Like I said my mom was able to teach lessons, head the PTA, volunteer, cook, take care of 4 children and keep an immaculate home. I was able to keep a clean(not immaculate) home with one child just by cleaning at nap time, early in the morning, and right before I went to bed. But obviously not everyone can do that. If she can at least keep the home tidy enough to where he comes home and feels like he can relax and doesn't feel disgusted or like there chaos, then I think for now that could be a good start.
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