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I won't allow major drama at the hospital. That's what they have security for.
If you call security there will be major drama.
And anyone who is there minding their own business (while someone in their family is giving birth or having surgery or dying) and who have nothing to do with your family's drama and want nothing to do with it, will be affected. Just something to keep in mind.
Last edited by DewDropInn; 05-06-2014 at 04:01 PM..
My two cents... you have some valid points and some of the things your daughter is "sticking to her guns" on are reasonable. However, some are not, and my fear is that when you are dealing with a situation that is already prickly (and it sounds like the other family is) you need to be doing everything possible to smooth things over and not give any reasonable reason to take offense.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
The shower. It was my daughter's day.
B.S. The time when your daughter had the luxury of announcing, "It's my day," was before she got pregnant (and decided to stay pregnant) with this man's baby. Now her every action needs to be weighed with "what will this mean for my child?" In the case of the shower, she acted like a big princess and thought all about her, her, her, instead of thinking like a mom and doing what was best for her child. What's best for her child is always going to be taking reasonable measures to have a good relationship with the child's father and his family.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
The other daughter dating the brother, it just happens to be that my husband invited him. I invited the other mom and grandmother. I have tried including them in everything related to prep for the baby. The mom and grandma did attend the shower.
Inviting the mom and grandma wouldn't have been an issue if it was an all-female shower. But if men were invited (as they clearly were), the father of the baby should've been invited too. To not invite him and invite his brother was a clear slap in the face, and every slap in the face delivered to that family will only wind up hurting your grandchild more in the end. It may not happen right away, but it will make them dig their heels in more and get crazier... not what you want.
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Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
If my daughter's boyfriend wasn't the brother, he still would have been invited by my husband.
Dumb move. If the father of the baby wasn't invited, no way should his brother have been invited. I don't care who's dating who or friends with who or who's just a great kid. Your daughter chose to make a baby with this man. He comes first at the shower before any other male. Period. To not respect that is a huge slap in the face. Just no reason to pick that fight.
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Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
We love the kid.
That's nice. He still didn't need to be invited if the father of the baby was not invited. Even if your daughter was too illogical with pregnancy hormones to realize not inviting the baby's father and inviting his brother was going to make a s---storm, you should've gently taken her aside and explained this would only invite trouble.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
He's nothing but a help when he's around. I had no knowledge at the time but the mom was sure to let me know that they told the brother he was not allowed to go because his brother wasn't going.
That's great that he's a help, but that doesn't change the messy circumstances in place here, and the fact that your grandchild is the one who will suffer if (once s/he's past infanthood) s/he spends 3.5 days with one family and 3.5 days with another family that thinks family #1 is horrible and lets him/her know all the time. Between the two families, you can seriously mess this kid's head up, and preventing that should be everyone's goal.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719
Mind you the decision to not have the father was between my daughter and him, not us at all.
You could be doing a lot right now to lower tension. You could be doing a lot to foster an environment of respect and "the baby comes first" thinking. But that's not what's happening. You're looking out for your daughter and they're fighting tooth and nail to look out for their son. No one is thinking of making this situation better and easier for the grandchild. The more you dig in your heels, the more they're going to dig in theirs.
And anyone who is there minding their own business (while someone in their family is giving birth or having surgery or dying) and who have nothing to do with your family's drama and want nothing to do with it, will be affected. Just something to keep in mind.
If there is drama, hospital employees will call security. If everyone is minding their own business, waiting quietly, and not making demands to enter a patient's room, hospital employees will not call security.
Most hospitals keep doors to many areas locked and limit access to patients. Visitors should not be wandering around or entering labor and delivery rooms on their own.
Don't know if I mentioned it before but the only men there were my husband, the caterer, my nephews that drove 6 hours and had nothing else to do and then my husband invited the brother, about 2 days before.
The men were not planned. It was to be a female shower.
No one will ever not look out for the baby. Of that I'm sure.
If I ever think the baby or her future are in jeopardy, I will tell her and advise accordingly. I'm not digging my heels in on anything. It's not my baby. There are many things that are not my call.
I've never been anything but pleasant and respectful to the other family and do not plan on changing that.
If there is drama, hospital employees will call security. If everyone is minding their own business, waiting quietly, and not making demands to enter a patient's room, hospital employees will not call security.
I have to agree with Dew on this one. The goal here should be to ease tensions and remove reasons drama would even start in the first place. The OP's daughter has total control in the hospital room--that's just a fact... but the reality the OP and her daughter aren't yet facing is that total control on their parts isn't going to last forever... and every instance in which they exert control now is going to come back to bite them in the butt later.
When people feel out of control in a situation, they tend to overreact and take desperate measures to try to regain control. So hypothetically, if both families are there and the OP's daughter is allowing her family to come in and visit while not his, that's going to create a very ugly situation where one party feels slighted at the birth of their grandchild. Sure, there's nothing the father's family can do about it right then. They can't demand to go into the room and if they complain, they'll get thrown out. But do you think they're just going to forget about it after that day? No way. They can't ever get that moment back and so they're going to hold on to that bitterness and make the OP and her daughter pay for it any little way they can for the next 20+ years.
It would be so much smarter for the OP's daughter not to start a situation where those sort of feelings will be created. She could do a very wise thing by welcoming her child's family on both sides to be equally involved. She could set the tone of cooperation and maturity for the new life entering the world. She could dissolve all reason for hurt feelings to ever form.
Or she could have one last time to say, "I'm the mother and it's my say so." She could then pay for it when her child is a toddler and they're splitting custody and the other family refuses to agree on common rules for co-parenting. Why should they give an inch when she wouldn't? She can pay for it with a child who throws fits in her house because he/she is allowed to do anything they want at their other family's house. She can subject her child to fights at custody exchanges and day after week after month after year of bad feelings between their parents, which can have a lasting effect.
Sometimes it's wiser to give a little more than you have to in the hopes it works out better for all in the end.
I have to agree with Dew on this one. The goal here should be to ease tensions and remove reasons drama would even start in the first place. The OP's daughter has total control in the hospital room--that's just a fact... but the reality the OP and her daughter aren't yet facing is that total control on their parts isn't going to last forever... and every instance in which they exert control now is going to come back to bite them in the butt later.
When people feel out of control in a situation, they tend to overreact and take desperate measures to try to regain control. So hypothetically, if both families are there and the OP's daughter is allowing her family to come in and visit while not his, that's going to create a very ugly situation where one party feels slighted at the birth of their grandchild. Sure, there's nothing the father's family can do about it right then. They can't demand to go into the room and if they complain, they'll get thrown out. But do you think they're just going to forget about it after that day? No way. They can't ever get that moment back and so they're going to hold on to that bitterness and make the OP and her daughter pay for it any little way they can for the next 20+ years.
It would be so much smarter for the OP's daughter not to start a situation where those sort of feelings will be created. She could do a very wise thing by welcoming her child's family on both sides to be equally involved. She could set the tone of cooperation and maturity for the new life entering the world. She could dissolve all reason for hurt feelings to ever form.
Or she could have one last time to say, "I'm the mother and it's my say so." She could then pay for it when her child is a toddler and they're splitting custody and the other family refuses to agree on common rules for co-parenting. Why should they give an inch when she wouldn't? She can pay for it with a child who throws fits in her house because he/she is allowed to do anything they want at their other family's house. She can subject her child to fights at custody exchanges and day after week after month after year of bad feelings between their parents, which can have a lasting effect.
Sometimes it's wiser to give a little more than you have to in the hopes it works out better for all in the end.
I don't disagree with Dew in that "if the family calls security there will be drama." But there could be drama before or without security. And if there is drama, the family will have no say in security being called or not. Staff will call them if necessary. It is of course best to avoid all of that.
In no way is anyone trying to exclude anyone. Where did that come from?
She wants the dad present for the birth and the family to visit. The only thing she's uncomfortable with is if she is to have to have a last minute c section, she doesn't want the dad there for the c section. That's it.
Another poster said something about major drama at the hospital. My comment was for that. Not because anyone wouldn't be welcome.
No one will behave in a disrespectful manner toward any one of them. Of that, I am certain.
In no way is anyone trying to exclude anyone. Where did that come from?
She wants the dad present for the birth and the family to visit. The only thing she's uncomfortable with is if she is to have to have a last minute c section, she doesn't want the dad there for the c section. That's it.
Another poster said something about major drama at the hospital. My comment was for that. Not because anyone wouldn't be welcome.
No one will behave in a disrespectful manner toward any one of them. Of that, I am certain.
I think some people are not reading the thread carefully and going off on tangents.
Please reread Jersey posts and you will see she is not trying to shut out the boy or his family, and neither is her daughter.
Jersey has been nothing but polite to the boys family. ( even at provacation at the shower)
I agree 100%, Meyerland! I have been following this thread from the beginning, and I don't think that some people realize that OP comes in here to vent about things that she doesn't want to vent about to her family because she is trying hard not to influence her daughter's decisions.
A lot of the time she will vent about something and then come back later to say she has given it some thought and changed her mind or decided to do something different. This is her place to talk from a scared and emotional place and then work her way through it in an intelligent way. I think some people need to back off a little, or at least read the whole thread if you have not already.
OP, good luck with everything. I'm glad that you have a place that you can let it out.
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