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Old 09-06-2013, 09:38 AM
 
3,072 posts, read 4,277,280 times
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What does she want to do? Does she want an abortion? Adoption? Keep the baby? She is 19, that is young when it is your baby, but there are plenty of women who are married and raise babies at 19 too. If she wants to play the big girl game, then let her get on with it.
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Old 09-06-2013, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,573,355 times
Reputation: 2880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raena77 View Post
Your first mistake is not making her pay bills of her own. Went to college and worked since I was 16.

I think she needs to get a job after she has the baby. And think about child care.

But hey you were paying all her bills before. Get her a apartment the child and her can stay there. Since you are used to controling things you probably will intervene many times with YOUR grandchild.

I'm sure your 19 yr old is in turmoil herself, pregnancy is scary as hell. Make her act like a grown up and take care of her doctor appointments, think about finance, maybe collect rent money, think about food for the child, clothes, childcare, think about preschool, elementary, etc. She is in for a HUGE responsibility.

My big advice is be there to guide her, Mom-mom. Life changes and is too short.

Pic the future, "Mom-mom how did you make these cookies so good? Happy birthday mom-mom I love you."
I do understand what you're saying. I am the child of a 19 year old mom myself and know what it was like. My husband and I had to bust our butts to make it out of extreme poverty. We wanted to make it easier for our own kids and just have them worry about going to school, making honors and playing their sports.

I'm also a parent of natural twins which are in every generation in our family so it's a real possibility for her
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:02 AM
 
Location: North America
14,210 posts, read 10,107,724 times
Reputation: 5547
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
He will be 20 next week. She is scheduled to get her Associates 18 days after the baby is due. He will graduate tech school for welding around the same time.

She wanted to be a teacher but I don't see how she can continue on with a baby to care for. I am no where near retirement and cannot help her with child care. I still have to support my family.
Plenty of people go to school when having little babies :-P. There will be some family help, and she will qualify for state programs. Colleges also have help with child care as well. Her life isn't over just because she is having a baby you know .
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:08 AM
 
Location: North America
14,210 posts, read 10,107,724 times
Reputation: 5547
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
She didn't use the birth control. That's the point.

As a parent, I wanted it known that my head wasn't in the sand thinking they weren't having sex.

I simply can't bring myself to tell her that we will not allow her to live with the baby here. As I said, I still have other kids of mine that I'm raising. She shares a room with her one sister and there is no extra bedroom for her to go in with a baby. It wouldn't be fair to her sister to have a baby waking up at night while she's trying to sleep for school.

I feel so bad for the baby too. I'm torn.
Are you sure that is the case though? Bc does fail, and with some women simply does not work. Also pill bc for teens is never the best option, better to do an implant.
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:34 AM
 
Location: Hillsborough
2,825 posts, read 6,117,289 times
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My sister had a baby at 17. When they found out she was pregnant, my parents swore that they would not be the ones caring for this child. They pushed for abortion, but my sister refused. They pushed for adoption, and while she considered it, she wanted to keep the baby. She had been on birth control, but everyone suspects that she got pregnant on purpose.

In the end, my parents let her stay in the house with the baby while she was still in high school. My mom took care of the baby while she was in school, and also at night so she could rest for school. My sister took care of the baby from when she got home from school until she went to bed at night, basically.

When the baby was about 2-3 months old, my sister decided that she wanted to go out partying and left and didn't come back for a week. By the time she came back, she found that my parents had filed for emergency guardianship of the baby and they didn't let her come home. They said she was not acting responsibly to care for her baby and they weren't going to let it detrimentally affect an innocent baby. They formally adopted him.

My sister has had limited contact with him for short periods of time when she is getting along with my parents. My parents did help make sure she graduated high school. They are hot and cold about helping her out with her living situation. When they are getting along, they will decide to help her and set her up in an apartment, pay 3 months rent, they bought her a car, made sure she had a job, etc, and then said "go", but she lost it all by the end of the 3 months and right now they are just done with it. They don't even speak to her now. So now, she is essentially homeless. She crashes with a friend for a while until they kick her out, and then she either finds another friend to crash with or sleeps in her car.

Oh, and she's pregnant again (at 19). My mom had gotten her an IUD back in November when they were getting along, but my sister had it removed because she doesn't like to do anything that my mom wants. This time she will really be on her own, and I have no idea how she can possibly take care of this baby considering that she can't take care of herself. I've been telling her that she needs to place this baby for adoption and figure out how to live on her own first - to keep a job for longer than a month, to pay rent on her own place, to have her car actually registered and insured, etc. But she won't hear of it - she wants a baby. I think that some day she will make a good mother, but I don't think now is that time.

So I don't really have any advice, but my parents have tried it both ways now - supporting her to the point of completely taking over care of the child, and kicking her to the curb and telling her to sort it out for herself. For them, they can't really win either way it seems.
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:40 AM
 
Location: Shawnee-on-Delaware, PA
3,905 posts, read 3,583,246 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe the Photog View Post
My understanding is that there is a serious market for qualified welders out there.
I was gonna say the same thing.

So, the young Mom is from a 2-parent household, and it sounds like the young Dad is also. It seems like both kids come from stable backgrounds and he is developing a marketable skill. My main question now would be, is he a good person?
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:41 AM
 
12,156 posts, read 9,881,349 times
Reputation: 15809
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lucidkitty View Post
Plenty of people go to school when having little babies :-P. There will be some family help, and she will qualify for state programs. Colleges also have help with child care as well. Her life isn't over just because she is having a baby you know .
She does need to go in with her eyes WIDE open, however. Let's not mistake your pro-teen pregnancy stance for easy peasy.
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Old 09-06-2013, 10:45 AM
 
12,156 posts, read 9,881,349 times
Reputation: 15809
Quote:
Originally Posted by ADVentive View Post
My sister had a baby at 17. When they found out she was pregnant, my parents swore that they would not be the ones caring for this child. They pushed for abortion, but my sister refused. They pushed for adoption, and while she considered it, she wanted to keep the baby. She had been on birth control, but everyone suspects that she got pregnant on purpose.

In the end, my parents let her stay in the house with the baby while she was still in high school. My mom took care of the baby while she was in school, and also at night so she could rest for school. My sister took care of the baby from when she got home from school until she went to bed at night, basically.

When the baby was about 2-3 months old, my sister decided that she wanted to go out partying and left and didn't come back for a week. By the time she came back, she found that my parents had filed for emergency guardianship of the baby and they didn't let her come home. They said she was not acting responsibly to care for her baby and they weren't going to let it detrimentally affect an innocent baby. They formally adopted him.

My sister has had limited contact with him for short periods of time when she is getting along with my parents. My parents did help make sure she graduated high school. They are hot and cold about helping her out with her living situation. When they are getting along, they will decide to help her and set her up in an apartment, pay 3 months rent, they bought her a car, made sure she had a job, etc, and then said "go", but she lost it all by the end of the 3 months and right now they are just done with it. They don't even speak to her now. So now, she is essentially homeless. She crashes with a friend for a while until they kick her out, and then she either finds another friend to crash with or sleeps in her car.

Oh, and she's pregnant again (at 19). My mom had gotten her an IUD back in November when they were getting along, but my sister had it removed because she doesn't like to do anything that my mom wants. This time she will really be on her own, and I have no idea how she can possibly take care of this baby considering that she can't take care of herself. I've been telling her that she needs to place this baby for adoption and figure out how to live on her own first - to keep a job for longer than a month, to pay rent on her own place, to have her car actually registered and insured, etc. But she won't hear of it - she wants a baby. I think that some day she will make a good mother, but I don't think now is that time.

So I don't really have any advice, but my parents have tried it both ways now - supporting her to the point of completely taking over care of the child, and kicking her to the curb and telling her to sort it out for herself. For them, they can't really win either way it seems.
Lesson to the OP, not a direct criticism of these parents. If you are wishy washy, your child will know you don't say what you mean or mean what you say. If you mean your daughter to learn to be an adult, then make it so. If you mean to buffer her from her mistakes, then do that from the get go.

But don't do this. This is the worst of both worlds.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:17 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,573,355 times
Reputation: 2880
Quote:
Originally Posted by jtab4994 View Post
I was gonna say the same thing.

So, the young Mom is from a 2-parent household, and it sounds like the young Dad is also. It seems like both kids come from stable backgrounds and he is developing a marketable skill. My main question now would be, is he a good person?
Yes. It is a marketable skill that requires years of experience before you can make a decent paycheck. It's hard and heavy work. My husband is one so I know a lot about the profession.

He comes from a two parent household as well. We don't have room for them and neither does his family.

He works part time at minimum wage.

I am going to sit both of them down this weekend and go over everything with them, like the whole cost of living thing. I cannot afford to pay anything toward their bills. I know for sure his parents can't either. I'm hoping that seeing in black and white what it takes will open their eyes. They both could have easily had the world by the ass if only they would have finished school and gotten established.

I know she didn't take her pills correctly. I asked her and she told me.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:47 AM
 
12,156 posts, read 9,881,349 times
Reputation: 15809
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
Yes. It is a marketable skill that requires years of experience before you can make a decent paycheck. It's hard and heavy work. My husband is one so I know a lot about the profession.

He comes from a two parent household as well. We don't have room for them and neither does his family.

He works part time at minimum wage.

I am going to sit both of them down this weekend and go over everything with them, like the whole cost of living thing. I cannot afford to pay anything toward their bills.
This may sound like a small difference. But don't go into the details of what you can and cannot afford. Every human being has a natural salesman within them that will try to renegotiate your opinion of what you can and cannot afford. Tell them what you are and are not willing to do. Period.
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