Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Can your oldest daughter help drive her sisters to sports and such? She's not working full time, right?
Don't let her give the child to him to have at his home until custody and visitation agreement is official with the court. If she takes the baby there for a visit, she should remain with the baby at all times. She shouldn't leave for even the briefest time. You don't want his family to initiate custody while they have possession of the baby because the courts leave children where they are at until custody is determined. It could take months to get the baby back. Until custody is determined by the court, he has equal right to take the baby and keep it from her. The police won't get involved unless your daughter has custody and/or a visitation agreement clearly defining when he is and isn't permitted physical possession of the child.
Aside from setting reasonable restrictions, such as no visitors after 9pm/10pm/etc. (since your other children have bedtimes), let your daughter decide when she will have visitors. As long as they are behaving while they visit, I see no reason to put your foot down. Have a camcorder charged and ready to video any drama that might occur.
I breastfed but it took over two months to finally get her to latch. I was thoroughly exhausted with pumping, then feeding, then burping, diapering, bathing and putting to sleep by myself every 2-3 hours with no break. When I went to my six week appt the social worker saw how exhausted I was and offered me the best advice I got which was that BFing is awesome but don't die trying. She said to not offer the bottle for a feeding and let her get hungry then only offer the breast. If it didn't work, then to know I put in a great effort but it wasn't going to work. After following her advice it worked! Being able to co-sleep and just wear a nursing top was amazing. No more waking every hour and half. I could nurse in my sleep. But I did end up with a freezer full of breastmilk from pumping.
I ended up BFing til she was a little over 2 years old. I didn't plan on going that long but she just wouldn't give it up. Later on she was nay nursing at night to go to bed and once during the day before her nap. The plus side is she avoided getting sick, and never got a cold.
You need to let the other girls know that the baby is coming and its time to stop thinking about "me me me". They should be worshipping the ground you walk on instead of walking all over you.
I have had my hands so incredibly full with the three of them lately. It's just so much to handle. Oldest is due in 17 days. Youngest of them giving me fits every time I turn around and hurting the hell out of my feelings. The other one is worried there will be issues when the baby arrives with her bfs family that may impact their relationship. My new job is very challenging and I'm trying to work some ot to get some comp time to help my oldest when she and the baby are home for their first day. And did I mention that husband is away for the month? So all the running around with sports and jobs and all is completely on me?
I had to be seen a week or so ago. I have a cervical strain and a pinched nerve in my neck. I didn't do anything to it at all. They told me it could be stress. Seriously?
The baby's dad met up with my daughter yesterday to go over the game plan. He told her his grandmother wants the paternity test. Not him. And then asked if they could go get it done now before she's born!! She told him no. I don't blame her. She's too far along to get invasive testing done and I'm not sure it even could be done now. He will have to wait until she's born is what my daughter said. He also said "we will see about that" when she told him she would be breast feeding exclusively so there will be no overnight visits for a while. He's not on board with it apparently.
I do not want this baby coming into this world with stress and drama going on around her.
Some more opinions are needed. Should I see that it's getting a little crazy, do I put my foot down as to how much time is spent over here with any of them? Do I just let my daughter call the shots on it all?
Just in general, I think the wait and see approach for most of this is better than anyone drawing the hardline in the sand. Right now everyone is stressed out, lots of things are up in the air, and how everyone feels about any particular thing may change once the baby is here. It is far easier to back down from a "maybe" than a "hell no".
Take the breastfeeding, maybe your daughter won't be able to BF, or maybe she and the baby are naturals. If either of those happen she may want to re-evaluate overnights. Maybe she will really need 6-8 week or even 3 months to make sure bfing is established, and maybe overnights will need to be pushed back. Maybe she wants to wait until the pediatrician or lactation consult says it is ok for baby to be away overnight. Too many variables, IMO, to make any decision about when overnights can happen to make a decision right not. And if she tells the ex, that she will allow overnights as soon as one of the pro's says it is ok, it lowers the confrontation level right away.
As for his "we will see" with regards to paternity testing, he is a boy, and saying boyish things. Try to have everyone avoid getting worked up about childish things right now. I think Germain's post about trying to see the "future father" instead of the "current boy" is a good one.
I'm so worried if she wants to run an errand if we aren't home and he just leaves with her.
Holy crap!!!!
No need to panic. That's easily avoidable. She simply needs to understand that she can't run an errand or drop the baby off at his parents' house until after she has legal custody finalized.
I'm so worried if she wants to run an errand if we aren't home and he just leaves with her.
Holy crap!!!!
Please don't panic.
I wouldn't worry about that because that would be Dad taking/removing/kidnapping the baby away from the baby's Mother's house.
The other poster implied that if Dad & his family wanted to be sneaky they would do something when the baby is at their house and they claim that Mom "abandoned" the baby.
These things are very unlikely but do sometimes happen so it is best to get some type of temporary custody agreement in writing and legally binding.
Can your oldest daughter help drive her sisters to sports and such? She's not working full time, right?
Don't let her give the child to him to have at his home until custody and visitation agreement is official with the court. If she takes the baby there for a visit, she should remain with the baby at all times. She shouldn't leave for even the briefest time. You don't want his family to initiate custody while they have possession of the baby because the courts leave children where they are at until custody is determined. It could take months to get the baby back. Until custody is determined by the court, he has equal right to take the baby and keep it from her. The police won't get involved unless your daughter has custody and/or a visitation agreement clearly defining when he is and isn't permitted physical possession of the child.
Aside from setting reasonable restrictions, such as no visitors after 9pm/10pm/etc. (since your other children have bedtimes), let your daughter decide when she will have visitors. As long as they are behaving while they visit, I see no reason to put your foot down. Have a camcorder charged and ready to video any drama that might occur.
Holy cow, this is alarming, and certainly not true in every (maybe most?) states. If the parents are not married. No one can just take a baby, claim paternity, and just wait until court. That is ridiculous.
"The unmarried mother is presumed to have the primary or natural right to custody of children born when she is not married. Therefore, she has the legal right to custody, care, and control over the child and her rights are superior to those of the father or any other person…...Unmarried fathers can take action to be awarded custody of a child. In most states, if the father’s name is on the child’s birth certificate, he will automatically be recognized as the child’s legal father and have an equal amount of standing in court as the mother."
So while he may have the right to go to court and request visitation or joint custody he does NOT have the right to kidnap his own child and expect the police not to get involved.
This seems to be true everywhere. Try not to panic OP!!!
By the way, the father cannot make her get a paternity test in NJ.
"If either parent brings an action to establish who the biological father of an unborn child is, the proceedings are stayed until after the birth so a paternity test can be done."
No need to panic. That's easily avoidable. She simply needs to understand that she can't run an errand or drop the baby off at his parents' house until after she has legal custody finalized.
Quote:
Originally Posted by germaine2626
Please don't panic.
I wouldn't worry about that because that would be Dad taking/removing/kidnapping the baby away from the baby's Mother's house.
The other poster implied that if Dad & his family wanted to be sneaky they would do something when the baby is at their house and they claim that Mom "abandoned" the baby.
These things are very unlikely but do sometimes happen so it is best to get some type of temporary custody agreement in writing and legally binding.
This is not true and is a dangerous thing for all of us without law degrees to state as fact. If mom is denying all visitation to the fathers house and family she looks unreasonable and vindictive in court and may work against her best interests and those of her child in the long run.
OP, it is a very good idea to talk to a family lawyer, before the birth but these recommendations are groundless based on the law, and in particular the laws in NJ, and should not be panic inducing.
I wouldn't worry about that because that would be Dad taking/removing/kidnapping the baby away from the baby's Mother's house.
The other poster implied that if Dad & his family wanted to be sneaky they would do something when the baby is at their house and they claim that Mom "abandoned" the baby.
These things are very unlikely but do sometimes happen so it is best to get some type of temporary custody agreement in writing and legally binding.
Although I was talking about his house, I meant what I said and it applies to her house too. Until formal custody is established, he isn't kidnapping his own baby because there are no documents saying he doesn't have custody. He has every legal right to have the baby in his possession as her. If he files for custody, the baby can remain with him until it's all sorted out.
It is very rare, but it did happen to my girlfriend. She and the police stood on the sidewalk and watched the father of her child driving back and forth down the street refusing to give her the baby. The police told her there was nothing they could do because he had every legal right to the child since he was the father and there was no custody established in court. It's very unlikely to happen with the OP, but it's important to be aware and reduce the risk by quickly establishing custody in court and not allowing the child to be alone with him until then.
There is no reason to panic. It's just something to handle wisely. I'm merely impressing the importance of not delaying formalization of custody and visitation in court.
Just in general, I think the wait and see approach for most of this is better than anyone drawing the hardline in the sand. Right now everyone is stressed out, lots of things are up in the air, and how everyone feels about any particular thing may change once the baby is here. It is far easier to back down from a "maybe" than a "hell no".
Take the breastfeeding, maybe your daughter won't be able to BF, or maybe she and the baby are naturals. If either of those happen she may want to re-evaluate overnights. Maybe she will really need 6-8 week or even 3 months to make sure bfing is established, and maybe overnights will need to be pushed back. Maybe she wants to wait until the pediatrician or lactation consult says it is ok for baby to be away overnight. Too many variables, IMO, to make any decision about when overnights can happen to make a decision right not. And if she tells the ex, that she will allow overnights as soon as one of the pro's says it is ok, it lowers the confrontation level right away.
As for his "we will see" with regards to paternity testing, he is a boy, and saying boyish things. Try to have everyone avoid getting worked up about childish things right now. I think Germain's post about trying tosee the "future father" instead of the "current boy" is a good one.
Great points.
One of my male relatives became a husband, teenage dad and a HS drop-out, in that order. His wife (his baby's Mother) & all of her relatives could only picture him as a "lazy, self-centered 16/17 year old bum" and never even considered that he might grow up. She quickly divorced him, married someone else and insisted that the biological Dad (my relative) give up his parental rights. He fought it but his ex-wife put a lot of pressure on him, saying that it was best for the child, so he reluctantly gave in.
Did he stay a "lazy, self-centered 16/17 year old bum"? No he didn't, less than 10 years later he graduated from college with straight As and an engineering degree. Would that have happened if he had stayed married? Maybe yes and maybe no. But, he ex-wife never looked at what he could be in 10 or 15 years just what he was right then.
I'm mentioning this again because I often read threads on C-D where girlfriends do not pursue getting child support because the baby's father doesn't have a job or is young or is lazy. But they seem to forget that Dad may have a job a year later, or five years later or ten years later. Biological Dad is responsible for child support for at least 18 years. A lot can happen in 18 years.
((((HUGS))))
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
