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If she decides to keep the baby, I would suggest working out a shared custody agreement if they do not remain together. Do you have a lawyer? If not, I would get one and get all your/their affairs in order before the baby gets here. They are adults and need to act like ones.
I know you don't want to support this child, and you are under no legal obligations to do so. However, if you want to be a part of your grandchild's life you may need to offer assistance.
Talk with the other parents and see what they are willing to do. Maybe they have land for a trailer, or a garage that can be converted into living quarters.(If the two stay together.) I would draw up some sort of contract that they are willing to provide shelter if you offer monetary compensation. You are already supporting her, so a one time cash payment shouldn't be too difficult. You have 9 months to save.
She/they have to start saving more money immediately. Babysitting/pet sitting/house sitting are good earners if she has lots of clients. If the couple do not have to pay for rent, that gives them a head start.
Have the boys parents/family have a baby shower for the couple if possible. Your family might be receptive to this as well. Ask for practical gifts for the baby instead of cutesy ones. I am sure you can find a cute way to make up the invitations.
If they get married, you can have a "pantry" wedding shower too. That's where they get gifts for the kitchen that are practical and necessary like spices, flour, canned goods...etc...
She is 19, and he is how old? I am thinking 19 as well? Here is what I would do.
Get them together and congratulate them on the addition to the family. Who's family? Their family of course. Let them know that you expect them to get married soon and ask him how he plans on supporting his new bride. Let them know that they have from now till the baby is born to get a roof over their heads. Give them the hard facts about having kids without an education. Then again, does he, the soon to be father, have any marketable skills?
If that is not something that they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to then I would suggest addoption. What it comes down to is what is the best interest of the baby that they just created. Many loving parents will be willing to take that new baby into their homes and can offer the baby a loving and happy life.
Every child deserves a mom and dad that will love and support them.
You all are giving me wonderful suggestions and thank you so much for them. I have been unable to think at all. At least not clearly.
I am so glad I have posted here on this subject. I will be using the suggestions given. Especially the freak out one. I need to. I'm at work right now just crumbling inside and know my husband is doing the same.
The main thing I have taken from each of you is that we WILL deal with this one way or another.
She is 19, and he is how old? I am thinking 19 as well? Here is what I would do.
Get them together and congratulate them on the addition to the family. Who's family? Their family of course. Let them know that you expect them to get married soon and ask him how he plans on supporting his new bride. Let them know that they have from now till the baby is born to get a roof over their heads. Give them the hard facts about having kids without an education. Then again, does he, the soon to be father, have any marketable skills?
If that is not something that they are willing to make a lifetime commitment to then I would suggest addoption. What it comes down to is what is the best interest of the baby that they just created. Many loving parents will be willing to take that new baby into their homes and can offer the baby a loving and happy life.
Every child deserves a mom and dad that will love and support them.
He will be 20 next week. She is scheduled to get her Associates 18 days after the baby is due. He will graduate tech school for welding around the same time.
She wanted to be a teacher but I don't see how she can continue on with a baby to care for. I am no where near retirement and cannot help her with child care. I still have to support my family.
The first thing I would do is to invite the young man and his parents over to your place or meet somewhere neutral. Sit the kids down and explain the facts of life to them.
The facts of life are this. If they decide to keep the baby, the boyfriend will be named on the birth certificate. He will be in court with his girlfriend to work out a custody / child support agreement. Remind him he is on the hook financially for the next 18 years. And you will make sure he pays something, even if a little bit now and more when he gets a full time job.
Then you give them their options. Those are abortion ( and they need to decide that real quick) ., adoption or keep the baby.
If keep the baby is the option, then you tell your daughter just how much you are willing to do. If your husband is adamant that they not live there, then you ask the kids where they would live. How would they support themselves and a baby.
If you can offer assistance, such as baby sitting while she is in classes, then say so. But remind her that her free and easy days are offer. You won't baby sit while she goes out with her friends, you won't baby sit evenings, weekends, etc. Ask her to figure out how she will pay for sitters, etc.
What you and your husband can't do is avoid these conversations. You need to have them now and frequently. Your daughter is likely under the impression that she will keep the baby and her life will continue on as it is has been. She and baby will live at home, be financially supported and you will be built in baby sitter while she goes to school and out with friends. If this is not going to be the case, then let her know in no uncertain terms.
She needs to know where you and hubby stand on this. Don't waffle, you and he need to make your decisions too as to what you will do to help, if anything. Then stand by it. His parents need to make those same decisions.
But whatever you do, start doing it now. The two kids need to understand that if they keep the baby, their lives as they have known them are over. A new reality is on the horizon and they better figure out how to tackle it. Encourage them to explore, without guilt, both abortion and adoption. This is their decision.
Your first mistake is not making her pay bills of her own. Went to college and worked since I was 16.
I think she needs to get a job after she has the baby. And think about child care.
But hey you were paying all her bills before. Get her a apartment the child and her can stay there. Since you are used to controling things you probably will intervene many times with YOUR grandchild.
I'm sure your 19 yr old is in turmoil herself, pregnancy is scary as hell. Make her act like a grown up and take care of her doctor appointments, think about finance, maybe collect rent money, think about food for the child, clothes, childcare, think about preschool, elementary, etc. She is in for a HUGE responsibility.
My big advice is be there to guide her, Mom-mom. Life changes and is too short.
Pic the future, "Mom-mom how did you make these cookies so good? Happy birthday mom-mom I love you."
He will be 20 next week. She is scheduled to get her Associates 18 days after the baby is due. He will graduate tech school for welding around the same time.
She wanted to be a teacher but I don't see how she can continue on with a baby to care for. I am no where near retirement and cannot help her with child care. I still have to support my family.
It is vital that she finishes school. Take out student loans if necessary to pay for childcare. I have a friend that did this throughout college and then medical school (!) by herself and she is now a successful MD and went into research vs being a regular doctor so she could be with her child more. I have another friend who got an MBA from Columbia with a 2yr old on her own using loans.
To me finishing school has to be the number one priority for the long term success of this family.
He will be 20 next week. She is scheduled to get her Associates 18 days after the baby is due. He will graduate tech school for welding around the same time.
She wanted to be a teacher but I don't see how she can continue on with a baby to care for. I am no where near retirement and cannot help her with child care. I still have to support my family.
The father will have to help her or get gov't assistence. She can still go to night school. I juggled a full time job, a toddler, and college. Got my degree too.
Plus she is a single mom, she will be granted money for college. Tell her to apply to financal aide. No worries there.
First off, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm 19 and I would've asked my parents for abortion money, had my bf come with me, and take care of me afterwords. In my opinion, since they decided to play house, they can continue playing house on their own.
I would suggest sitting down with the bf's parents, the bf, and your daughter and let them know:
-That you planned your life for three kids
-They are adults, and they are responsible for their child
-Your husband doesn't want his grandchild living in the home
Chances are they are going to break-up. He'll be paying child-support and she's going to have the burden of a child all the time. The dynamic of their relationship was will change. If she has this child, 5 years from now, she'll be saying something like, "Oh, I wish I waited to get pregnant" or "Oh, I wish I took my bc pills".
Is she aware of how her life will change? No more hanging out when she wants. The majority of her money will go towards this baby. She probably won't finish school on time. Has she thought about the fact that she could be pregnant with twins? She'll have to find child care (assuming that you, your hubby, and the bf's parents work) and pay for it.
Push her to finish school and become a teacher. She'll regret it.
I highly suggest an abortion. I mean, I really, really do. Good luck!
Last edited by Pinkmani; 09-06-2013 at 09:44 AM..
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