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Old 09-06-2013, 06:28 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,569,282 times
Reputation: 2880

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My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.

I do not support the decision to have this baby. The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:43 AM
 
4,130 posts, read 13,301,284 times
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What are their plans, will they be quitting school, do they live together? I wouldnt jump the gun, maybe they'll be responsible and will pony up and raise the baby themselves alth. they'll prob. be somewhat dependent on you and his parents if they continue w/ college and have no source of income. Right now they prob. dont have a clue as to what they'll do but it's not too soon to think of their future. An option is always adoption if they're really not ready to parent, 19 is young these days but of course it can be done. If you havent yet seen it, there's a thread about a very similar situation and various responses.
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:50 AM
Status: "serving a suspended sentence for not being a right winger" (set 19 days ago)
 
Location: Columbia, SC
7,329 posts, read 4,445,027 times
Reputation: 8838
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
My daughter is 19 and just told me she's pregnant. I've gotten her birth control for the past two years. I've paid for it, ordered it and handed it to her.
There's no birth control that is 100% effective. Not sure what this has to do with the issue, actually.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
I do not support the decision to have this baby.
Moderator Cut. She's clearly an adult here and there is obviously nothing you can do about it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
The boys parents are happy for them. I like the kid but neither of them are through with their schooling. I still have two kids other than her to raise. My husband and I do not want to raise another. What to do?
Don't raise the kid. It's not yours. Tell her and the father (of your grandchild) that you will not help them in any way, shape or form and wish them well. Of course, that might not be you the most popular of the grandparents.



Seriously, have a heart to heart with them about your willingness (or not) and how far you will help them.

Last edited by Jaded; 09-07-2013 at 12:31 AM.. Reason: Rude comment
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:53 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,569,282 times
Reputation: 2880
I haven't seen it and tried to do a search. They do not live together. She lives with us and he lives with his parents. I still pay all of her bills and his parents pay his. If they were through school I would be happy for them. As it is now, they both work part time, spend every dime they make and think they can do this.

My husband is 100% against this and has said our daughter will not live with the baby in our house.

I'm heartbroken and sick over this.
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Old 09-06-2013, 06:59 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,569,282 times
Reputation: 2880
Quote:
Originally Posted by Joe the Photog View Post
There's no birth control that is 100% effective. Not sure what this has to do with the issue, actually.

She's clearly an adult here and there is obviously nothing you can do about it.

Don't raise the kid. It's not yours. Tell her and the father (of your grandchild) that you will not help them in any way, shape or form and wish them well. Of course, that might not be you the most popular of the grandparents.



Seriously, have a heart to heart with them about your willingness (or not) and how far you will help them.
She didn't use the birth control. That's the point.

As a parent, I wanted it known that my head wasn't in the sand thinking they weren't having sex.

I simply can't bring myself to tell her that we will not allow her to live with the baby here. As I said, I still have other kids of mine that I'm raising. She shares a room with her one sister and there is no extra bedroom for her to go in with a baby. It wouldn't be fair to her sister to have a baby waking up at night while she's trying to sleep for school.

I feel so bad for the baby too. I'm torn.

Last edited by Jaded; 09-07-2013 at 12:33 AM..
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:02 AM
 
208 posts, read 187,762 times
Reputation: 152
Just try your best to convince her to get an abortion. Moderator Cut.

Last edited by Jaded; 09-07-2013 at 12:36 AM.. Reason: Rude comment
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:11 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
43,148 posts, read 41,752,473 times
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I am sorry this has happened. It is not the typical future most parents envision for their kids and themselves.

Assuming your daughter wants to keep the baby...

The only situations like this that I've personally witnessed that worked out WELL for all parties was one in which the grandparents stay involved daily.

I've had one friend who booted their 18-year-old daughter when she became pregnant. The couple split up, the daughter could not cover all her bills and ended up moving in with HER grandmother. The entire family suffers to this day.

I've had two other friends who realized that this was their new normal: Their daughter was now pregnant with their grandchild, and the future they had in mind was no more.

They focused less on blame and more on survival. Because getting by on your own can be SO expensive, they both encouraged the daughter to stay in their home. They helped with prenatal and child care. Both daughters got jobs and contributed. The baby's father's were encouraged to be involved as well.

One daughter now is in her 30s and has a good job. They both are doing well. The daughter in the other family was able to finish college and married her boyfriend. They still are together.

This will be a very hard time for you, but I encourage you to talk to your husband about his feelings and understand why he feels that way. Younger siblings get a real-life lesson in choices and consequences ... but hopefully without shame and blame. Try to get your husband to see that this is your child and grandchild, and this is now not a question of morality and what they "should" do but really a question of what families have to do to get by in this world.
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:12 AM
 
4,130 posts, read 13,301,284 times
Reputation: 3773
Here's a very similar recent thread -

Marry before baby is born? Lose health insurance!
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Old 09-06-2013, 07:14 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,313 posts, read 7,569,282 times
Reputation: 2880
Quote:
Originally Posted by ThomasX51 View Post
Just try your best to convince her to get an abortion.
I'm going to try. She is only six weeks along. I know many people don't believe in it but there are instances where I'm glad it's available.

Last edited by Jaded; 09-07-2013 at 12:36 AM..
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:10 AM
 
12,118 posts, read 9,870,711 times
Reputation: 15762
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
I'm going to try. She is only six weeks along. I know many people don't believe in it but there are instances where I'm glad it's available.

No. Don't solve the problem for her.

Here is something to think on.


Go into yoru bedroom or wherever that is private. And freak out. Throw your pillows, curse. Whatever. Once that is out of your system, help THEM/HERE to solve the problem that THEY created. Get a white board or pad of paper or whatever. Write

Problems Statement: Pregnancy

Certainties: You and baby are not living here.

Options:

...

And let them fill in the options with pros and cons.

This is big deal. But not the end of the world. Don't let it unhinge YOU so that you are too useless to help THEM.
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