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I can't believe you are calling a child a hoarder because he doesn't want to share his toys. That's extremely normal for that age and especially with someone younger who all of a sudden is being shoved into his face, "This is your brother! Play and share with him!" and meanwhile he is bewildered as he doesn't want to. Then he is being called a hoarder and spoiled. And on top of that being disclipined for it... Yeah like others said, you and your girlfriend need to see a family therapist pronto. Then take the boys afterwards so you can all integrate properly.
My GF and I don't plan on getting married but because neither of us believes in the idea of marriage. We are living together as a family by OUR terms and not by the standards of others.
We didn't just move in together out of the blue either. This took time and we made sure both kids were o.k. with it before we even considered it. They understood what it meant to live together and to have to share things with each other.
Robert has no contact with his father or his family since the guy declined to be part of his life from before he was even born. I'm the first "dad" figure to even come into his life since mom didn't date at all before she met me.
While Robert and my son are not biological brothers they refer to each other as brothers on their own. We never forced them or even suggested that they call each other brother. It was purely their idea. Whether they are really brothers or not has nothing to do with this. My son calls my GF mom. Is that a problem too?
I appreciate all the positive feedback and suggestions. I will look into some family therapy and will also look into going about seperating the toys so that they each have their own distinct toys to play with and not have to share anymore.
I'm glad you will find therapy because clearly Robert is NOT okay with this new family dynamic. It's not just about the toys. He probably wants more alone one-on-one time with his mother too.
As for the toys, I recommend they have toys they can have for themselves and there is also toys they share. They get to pick which ones are special and only for them. But talk to a therapist first to figure out the best way. I can't stress enough that this isn't just about toys.
This ^^^ is Robert exerting what is probably the only control he feels he has in his life. He would rather live without the toys than allow anyone else to tell him what to do with them. Rather than do what you expected (share), he just throws in a twist and says, "Ok, take 'em."
Then HE still gets to decide what to do with his stuff, even in the face of your big power play.
As loves mountains said, this really isn't about hoarding.
And food is not something you use to teach a lesson like this. I would not go there with a kid who is already this insecure about his living situation.
Agree. The kid is asserting his boundaries, as he should. He perceives the OP and his kid as interlopers, indeed.
The kid is clever too, as he's willing to do without rather than cede.
We have a 7 year old boy that really, really, really hates to share anything with his younger 5 year old brother.
A little bit of background information. Robert is my girlfriends son and we have all lived together under the same roof for almost 2 years now. Both boys were raised by single parents and spoiled like no other at their grandparents house, meaning they got every single toy their little heart desired. Ever since the boys started living together it has taken them quite a while to get used to the whole "sharing" concept and while the 5 year old has no problems sharing his toys the 7 year old is very much against it.
Since I've known him Robert has always had this weird little habit of storing his toys in his bed. At first it would be a Hot wheel car or two but eventually the collection grew and grew. Now he has dozens of toys stuffed under his pillow and under blankets and it seems that every day the collection grows. Robert is the type of child that would rather neither of them play with a toy then to have to share. For example last week they were having an argument (one of many) over some track pieces for their collection of Thomas the Train set and I finally had enough and warned them that if I heard them fight over it one more time I would take away all their Thomas track and neither would play with it again for a long time. Most of the Thomas collection belonged to Robert so I knew he hated the fact that he had to share with his little brother. Robert promptly told me that he felt it was better for me to just take the stuff away now. His brother, of course, protested and began to cry and promise not to fight anymore but Robert kept insisting that I should just take it.
This really bothered me because it only proved that Robert was so unwilling to share his Thomas stuff that he was willing and ready for me to just take it away rather than continue to share it with his little brother. I looked under his pillow and covers and found many toys that I knew his little brother liked to play with including some of the little Leapfrog video games that we bought exclusively for the 5 year old.
I grew up with a younger brother and of course there was always sibling rivalry growing up but I never took it as far as Robert. I've talked to my girlfriend about it but she just dismissed it as "boys will be boys" but I disagree. I don't want this to get worse as they get older. Now the 5 year old doesn't want to bring any of his new toys home from grandma's because he's convinced that Robert will just take them and hide them from him.
Anyone ever have any issues like this? What did you do? What can I do?
This is interesting. Part of this thread is like playing, "Telephone" when we were children since by page 3 the boys went from age 5 and 7 down to age 3 and 5.
Something that really jumped out at me is your girlfriend's response when you tried to talk about it. I don't think this is one of the worst things that could be happening, but it's obviously upsetting to you and you're tired of their bickering.
Is there a way you could start up the subject again with your g/f? Let her know that it's causing you a lot of concern and stress and that her "Boys will be boys" comment is only trivializing the problem. It sounds like you and your g/f are close and have a good relationship so hopefully she'll be open to talking about it and trying to find a solution. I'm just not sure that it's truly a reason to seek psychological help YET. Maybe you and your g/f can come up with a few solutions by working on it together and putting up a united front. This probably isn't as deep as has been suggested. Good luck and let us know how your chat with your g/f turns out.
This is interesting. Part of this thread is like playing, "Telephone" when we were children since by page 3 the boys went from age 5 and 7 down to age 3 and 5.
They were three and five when OP and his GF started living together --- two years ago. That's what DewDrop was referring to.
My GF and I don't plan on getting married but because neither of us believes in the idea of marriage. We are living together as a family by OUR terms and not by the standards of others.
We didn't just move in together out of the blue either. This took time and we made sure both kids were o.k. with it before we even considered it. They understood what it meant to live together and to have to share things with each other.
Robert has no contact with his father or his family since the guy declined to be part of his life from before he was even born. I'm the first "dad" figure to even come into his life since mom didn't date at all before she met me.
While Robert and my son are not biological brothers they refer to each other as brothers on their own. We never forced them or even suggested that they call each other brother. It was purely their idea. Whether they are really brothers or not has nothing to do with this. My son calls my GF mom. Is that a problem too?
I appreciate all the positive feedback and suggestions. I will look into some family therapy and will also look into going about seperating the toys so that they each have their own distinct toys to play with and not have to share anymore.
Also if it helps, it's pretty normal for full biological siblings to have issues over sharing.
I think it's best if children have some possessions they aren't required to share, and other toys that they know from the start that they must share. Often forcing them to share just makes it worse, it makes an issue when none needed to exist. Instead of always pushing sharing, I think its just as important to teach kids to respect the property rights of each other, leave the prized possessions of the other alone until that child chooses to share.
Good luck with your kids -- I'm sure you and your GF want to make your combined families work and become one. The "yours, mine, and ours" isn't always smooth -- but neither is it always smooth with any sibling kind of relationship.
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