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I have two teen aged daughters. They are totally opposites of each other. One is a nerd and is good at school, the other is a jock and struggles with some classes, but tries very hard. My nerd and I have a great relationship. We do things together and can talk about a lot of things (mostly school drama). My other daughter acts if I have some type of disease. She rarely speaks to me. If she does it is one word answers. We haven't had a conversation in over a year. If I try to hug her she cringes. This summer we were on cruise for our vacation. I was sitting in the outdoor cafe, reading a book and having a coffee. She came by with her lunch, and I told her to pull up a seat. She refused and said she didn't want to, then went off and sat at a table by herself and ate. I was really hurt by this. She's done some other things like this that has really hurt. If I ask her about her day, she replies with "fine" or "okay" and that's it. She was elected captain of her XC team, but didn't tell me when I picked her up from school, but told her mother as soon as she hit the door. She talks pretty easily to her mother and has not problem being affectionate with her. But with me, it is like I'm some type of monster. I've never been mad or lost my temper with my girls. I do set limitations and rules, but I feel that I am actually pretty easy to get along with. Their mother is way more strict and over protective. I love them both and would die for either of them, but this is really killing me. I've coached their sports, volunteered at their schools, ran car pools, threw parties for them and their friends etc. I hate that we don't have a relationship and I don't know what to do about it. I see this time as being wasted and that we will never get this time back in either of our lives. My wife sees this and she doesn't know what to do either. She has tried to talk to my daughter about the situation, but gets the one word shut down that I get. My other daughter can't get her to talk about it either. I am at a loss........
I have two teen aged daughters. They are totally opposites of each other. One is a nerd and is good at school, the other is a jock and struggles with some classes, but tries very hard. My nerd and I have a great relationship. We do things together and can talk about a lot of things (mostly school drama). My other daughter acts if I have some type of disease. She rarely speaks to me. If she does it is one word answers. We haven't had a conversation in over a year. If I try to hug her she cringes. This summer we were on cruise for our vacation. I was sitting in the outdoor cafe, reading a book and having a coffee. She came by with her lunch, and I told her to pull up a seat. She refused and said she didn't want to, then went off and sat at a table by herself and ate. I was really hurt by this. She's done some other things like this that has really hurt. If I ask her about her day, she replies with "fine" or "okay" and that's it. She was elected captain of her XC team, but didn't tell me when I picked her up from school, but told her mother as soon as she hit the door. She talks pretty easily to her mother and has not problem being affectionate with her. But with me, it is like I'm some type of monster. I've never been mad or lost my temper with my girls. I do set limitations and rules, but I feel that I am actually pretty easy to get along with. Their mother is way more strict and over protective. I love them both and would die for either of them, but this is really killing me. I've coached their sports, volunteered at their schools, ran car pools, threw parties for them and their friends etc. I hate that we don't have a relationship and I don't know what to do about it. I see this time as being wasted and that we will never get this time back in either of our lives. My wife sees this and she doesn't know what to do either. She has tried to talk to my daughter about the situation, but gets the one word shut down that I get. My other daughter can't get her to talk about it either. I am at a loss........
Could she be jealous of your relationship with your other daughter? Perhaps she sees the two of you have so much more in common than she does with you and feels left out. She could be handling it by ignoring you and acting like it doesn't matter to her. Have you ever straight up asked her what the deal is and why she won't talk to you? Tell her the things you've noticed and ask her how you and she could have a better relationship. Maybe take her out for a meal or just for a drive and talk to her that way.
Any close friends of hers that you would feel comfortable approaching? Or maybe your wife could do it?
Seems like she is angry at you for something. Did something happened a year ago when the conversation tapered off? Think about things she could have stumbled upon that you might not have wanted her to know about....
Sometimes it doesn't hurt to sit her down and offer a serious blanket apology, and mean it, just to hopefully get the ball rolling.
Could she be jealous of your relationship with your other daughter? Perhaps she sees the two of you have so much more in common than she does with you and feels left out. She could be handling it by ignoring you and acting like it doesn't matter to her. Have you ever straight up asked her what the deal is and why she won't talk to you? Tell her the things you've noticed and ask her how you and she could have a better relationship. Maybe take her out for a meal or just for a drive and talk to her that way.
The fact she shuts down when anyone mentions it makes me think no. Is she just like this with the Dad? Or other males as well?
1. What sorts of things happened in the time frame of 1-2 years ago in your family? Fights? Any problems with the marriage? A death of a relative? You started working more? She lost a boyfriend?
2. Is it possible she is envious of your relationship with your other daughter? Unfortunately, it's inevitable that parents will have more in common with one child than another... that's just sort of the odds when one considers all human beings are different. It makes it especially important to seek out ways to connect with the child you have less in common with--maybe even more often than with the child you do. When a child feels like they are liked second best (of course you DON'T feel this way, but she may feel like you do and are just too nice to say so), they sometimes act out in response, deciding it's better if they hurt you than letting you hurt them (by rejecting them as liked second best.)
Thanks all for the replies, I will try to answer some of the posted questions....
She's 13 and will be 14 in Feb.
She's not like this with any other males. She is quiet and shy, but I've seen her have conversations with her track and XC coaches and other males like teachers etc.
I don't think that she's jealous of her sister and I. My other daughter is an academic, which is something I am not close to being. She can also talk to just about anyone about anything, so it is easy for us to have conversations. But I've tried to have conversations with my other daughter and just get shut down. We do tons of stuff as a family so I don't think she's feels left out.
In fact we used to have a great relationship. I coached her basketball and softball teams for years and we always had a great time. She was my star player and pitcher. She quit playing to focus on track and cross country. (she's nationally ranked in both) and I learned all I could about track and XC just so we could talk about it and i could come to the meets and cheer.
Yes, I've tried talking to her and even apologizing (for what I don't yet know) but still I don't get anywhere. I know her friends, but I don't think she's confided in them about us. No boyfriends yet.
H I'm fairly confident that she hasn't found out something that she shouldn't have. I live a pretty vanilla life. I did own a business up until last year and shut it down due to the economy, but I really don't think that would factor in. She's in a good place with her mom and sister, it is just me that has the disease. Her mom and I have had arguments and they have gotten heated at times, but mostly we are a pretty average family. The business, really took its toll on us for a while, but we always kept the kids out of that.
I think I would force the issue, and take her to dinner, just the two of you. There is always the possibility that she will decline an invitation ( that isn't any easy age, either to be or deal with), so enlist your wife. Gather everyone, and at the last minute, have your wife and other daughter excuse themselves for some valid reason. Covert ops. Don't force the conversation, but ask questions that will lead to one.
I can tell you that dinners with my Dad, just the two of us, were huge.
Well, I'm at a loss. It still sounds like something happened a year or so ago, but short of going back in time or spying on her nonstop, I don't see any way to figure it out unless she volunteers it.
I guess all I can offer is maybe to quietly leave her little notes of love and support when you know she has an important meet or something coming up. Sounds like you had a great bond there; I'm sorry it has frayed.
I'm thinking maybe she's jealous of your relationship with nerdy daughter, too. I have a toddler daughter and it worries me to no end how our relationship is going to be like when she's a teenager. I pray to god (and I'm not religious!) for my sake and my husband's that we have a non-melodramatic teenager b'c we wouldn't know what to do otherwise!
With that said, set up a time where it's just you and her. Like a dad/daughter date. My husband has this consistently with our toddler. She adores him. Have a heart to heart. See what's bugging her. Let her know how you feel and maybe she will open up. I think it's hard for some teenagers to open up but maybe a 1 on 1 will help. Since you said she's not like that with Mom, talk to your wife about it. Maybe she can talk to your daughter first to see how best to approach this.
Good luck!!
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