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My child and I have been homeless its been about 6 years ago but those were the two hardest years we have had so far. We shop at the local food bank and I buy her 5 dollar skinny jeans at wal mart and she is happy and looks good. I grew up a very bucked tooth and very acne ridden and was always at the but end of joke and sometimes I think that is what made me who I am today. It was great when I got braces and learned clearasil was not a makeup foundation but was for a pimple here or there not the boils I had on mine.Through church and the peers from the church gives me a bit of reality that it is the environment that you allow your child to be in and the values that you teach your child.
My child happens to be really pretty and is so nice and I thought that for sure she would stick up for the underdog at school but wasn't sure if she had the backbone to do it but she is a pistol whip and doesn't back down when an injustice to someone else is being done trust me she is not perfect and we have our differences but I have taught her a few things that as I got into highschool worked for me.
#1 Don't let your friends tell you who your friends can be because they are not your parent and if they have a problem with the friend that your hanging with at the time then tell them you'll catch up to them later.
#2 Your friends have been friends for years and even if not when your friends are fighting don't say anything bad about ither one just tell them that you hope they work out their differences but don't pick sides because tomorrow you'll be the one they will talk about if your saying bad things about ither one of them. Whatever the argument is it usually blows over after a few days and you all will be hanging out together.
#3 Don't embarrass a boy if he hands you a note and it says "I like you" don't run up to him and throw it in his face in front of all of his freinds and your friends the last thing you want to do is break someones spirit. If you have someone who has a crush on you just tell them thanks but my mom wont let me date I have about 6 more years before she will let that happen. I am sure it will happen before she is 19 but the toughest for me is to be a mom but not someone that she would feel she couldn't come to if she was in trouble.
I always tell her that she knows I am going to be mad but if she is somewhere she isn't suppose to be and if it turns into a bad situation dont ever be afraid to call me to come get you.( I haven't told her how many times I use to sneak out at night in highschool) And your intution will tell you when you need to get out of there. It is hard but I have learned that you have to really pick and choose your battles, She does well in school and glad that finally after the last two years of trying to "coach her" or be her mom and I am a homework drill seargent but not so much this year.
I can basically go online keep up with all the wonderful homework for the week with the teachers and know what she has. This year it is a trust thing (although she has no idea I am keeping in tabs with it) I just want her to be her own person and learn her way of learning it is different for all of us, We all study different.I am hoping by highschool she will just have her homework values down and she just makes me so proud.
This has been an eye opener that I will be soon by myself again these 12 years went by so fast I actually cried and realzied that those 12 years went by that fast..that these next 5-? years are going to be extra fast. I already miss her and she is just turning 13 on christmas. I myself just turned 47 and I just pray she stays a good hearted and strong willed person and keeps the Faith and does way better than I did. She knows darn well she isn't gettig an Iphone and she may get the cheap pay for less imitation uggs but she doesn't care and she still looks beautiful. I am glad we will for the first time ever have a christmas tree and whatever I can afford at least I know it will be a good homecook christmas dinner this year.
I do look foward to the coupons she makes me for my presents they will be like for a dinner made for me or dishes being done without asking. I am thankful for her and what little we do have. The thing she has learned if its the cheerleaders you hang out with or even the 6th graders if they are willing to play that everyones feelings count. Do unto others as you would want done on to you. She never says she is mad or sad cause she can't have something for christmas and I am sure the day will come when she really will want to start shopping but she is almost old enough to babysit or do a dog sitters job. I am very very thankful for everything we do have. She is my pride and joy.
Good Luck
Last edited by Jaded; 10-23-2013 at 02:01 AM..
Reason: too hard to read
My daughter came home today and demanded that we start buying her name brands, claiming that "EVERYONE (emphasis added) has Uggs, iphones, etc." Is this just typical middle school behavior?
Sadly it is.
However, I refuse to give into demands. Just yesterday, my 8th grader and I had a knock down fight over how "terrible" her life is. She doesn't have anything. We are horrible parents who never give her anything. Her list of "demands" are:
-The most recent Mac computer product (I accidentally called it a notebook and she lashed out at me with "You can't even get your products right...." )
-iPhone 5 with maxed out memory
-unlimited Coach products and designer clothes, especially the slinky slutty looking stuff
-Upon getting a driver's license, a new Mercedes, BMW or Audi. She had the audacity to tell her friend's mom, a family close to the buck, that we were buying her a Mercedes for her 16th birthday. The mother asked me about it and I had to correct and embarrass my daughter in front of these people.
-and the list goes on.....
We've tried meeting this child halfway and have bought her some of this stuff with good behavior, special events like birthdays, etc. She earned her iPod over a year with some behavior modifications. She does have a nice iPod but refuses to use her cell phone because it is a "piece of crap $20 dollar phone I didn't want." Never mind that she picked out this phone with her dad and it was far from $20. It just isn't an iPhone so she has refused to use it in the past and prefers to call from her friends' phones...only if they are iPhones. I've started to refuse taking calls and have told her to call from her phone if I get a call from a strange number. She can't go out with her friends unless her phone is on, charged and I can reach her.
And the attitude does on and on. When my husband replaced my phone with gasp.....a cheaper iPhone because my old phone was dying, it sent her into a fit of rage that ruined my birthday. However, when we've offered to buy her an iPhone C for her birthday coming up in a few months, she turned her little nose up at that and said, "That is just a cheap piece of plastic and a piece of junk. I want an iPhone S. You can afford it."
Guess what.....she isn't getting s**t with that attitude. When someone comes across as a entitled little princess, forget about it. I have no problems buying this stuff as a nice gift but if comes with a demand and crappy attitude, it isn't going to happen. The more one pushes me, I less I give. Frankly, that is why we are doing most of our clothes shopping at Target these days. When the crappy attitude improves, I will be more open on purchases and expand our shopping horizons. The summer, we are going to push her into getting a job. If she wants these things, she can contribute some money towards them. I'm not completely heartless though....we can meet her halfway on some of this stuff.
Then again, my daughter has always been challenging and difficult. Middle School has been horrendous for her for a variety of reasons.
My grandma had a BMW 750Li, with all the bells and whistles (heated seats, GPS, EPIRB, all seats heated/cooled and electrically reclinable, and even a refridgerator in the back seat) The cost of maintenance eclipsed the the $75,000 sticker price. Eventually my grandmother had to sell it and only got $50,000 back. You might want to make your daughter aware if that.
My grandma had a BMW 750Li, with all the bells and whistles (heated seats, GPS, EPIRB, all seats heated/cooled and electrically reclinable, and even a refridgerator in the back seat) The cost of maintenance eclipsed the the $75,000 sticker price. Eventually my grandmother had to sell it and only got $50,000 back. You might want to make your daughter aware if that.
Good advice here and will put this to use.
I think that some kids, like my daughter, just don't understand finances or live in a dream, fantasy world. She thinks that once she gets out of the house, she will easily be able to afford these luxury items right off the bat. We had a long talks about the reality of jobs and what you can afford right out of the gate. She doesn't get it. Also doesn't get that many people can't afford this stuff and struggle to just put food on the table. My husband and I live comfortably yet we live fairly modestly. I'm perfectly content with my very low mileage car that is reliable, paid off and doesn't give me any problems. Not sure where this thirst for luxury items comes from. We certainly don't live this way and I've explained to my daughter that although we could buy them, we choose not to. My big wish is a hybrid car that I saw at a car show. Will look into this in a year or so. Only way I would drive an expensive luxury car is if it got 50+ miles to the gallon, lol.
It is very frustrating for all of us and frankly turns my stomach. My son is completely opposite. He doesn't have a cell phone in the 5th grade while most of his friends have one yet doesn't complain. He told me, "Mom, I would be happy with any phone at all."
Siggy. I am really sorry you are dealing with such a difficult child. Do you have any idea where she has picked up this materialism when you live modestly? Friends who boast or are in competition can really do some harm.
My girls both 11, one in 5th and one in 6th don't seem to care too much for clothes. Frankly I buy most of their clothes online from Lands End. Good quality, style and they fit. Girls like them. We don't hang out in the mall or go recreational shopping at all. I used to do that years ago burt saw how stupid it was.
I can't even get them to answer the phone here at home. So phones for them hasn't even come up. They are very close to each other and while they have friends separately and get invited to BDay parties, etc , they seem very content to enjoy each others company and to be at home. I'm prepared that this might not last too much longer.
Also we live in a very progressive university community with lots of diversity and international flare. I haven't seen much of a "have to have it fashion" and that almost uniform look I had growing up. Back then it was Weejuns (a type of loafer) Villager blouses and dresses, expensive ski sweaters. We pretty much all looked alike. Now decades past that time we have fun on facebook making fun of ourselves and our lemming ways.
I support any parent who has the backbone to stand up to a snotty kid and not be dictated to. If a kid gets away with that attitude at a young age they will carry it over into adulthood and the work place and will soon find it doesn't work like it did with Mommie. We all nip to nip Entitlement Attitude in the bud early.
Siggy. I am really sorry you are dealing with such a difficult child. Do you have any idea where she has picked up this materialism when you live modestly? Friends who boast or are in competition can really do some harm.
I support any parent who has the backbone to stand up to a snotty kid and not be dictated to. If a kid gets away with that attitude at a young age they will carry it over into adulthood and the work place and will soon find it doesn't work like it did with Mommie. We all nip to nip Entitlement Attitude in the bud early.
I'm not sure NK. I think it is a combination of her early background as you know, self worth and image and then the middle school pressures. I can't even blame it on our area since we made a move out of state over the summer. We've explored this stuff extensively in therapy as well. It certainly isn't me since I loathe shopping with every fiber of my being. When I go into a mall or department store, my brain starts shutting down, lol. I tend to wear the same clothes for years which is a problem in itself and I'm trying to spruce myself up a bit. That's not to say that I don't take my kids shopping. I do. They have lots of nice clothes in their closets. I just don't give in to bratty demands, especially when it is a very high priced item and it comes as a demand.
We are hoping that she grows out of it. Over the years, she has gotten better in many areas. This Apple, car and Coach handbag obsession just gets tiring after a bit and it really is that....an obsession.
Then again, my situation is probably a bit more out of the norm than what other parents are going through on this thread so don't want to derail it too badly with my particular challenges.
I'm not sure NK. I think it is a combination of her early background as you know, self worth and image and then the middle school pressures. I can't even blame it on our area since we made a move out of state over the summer. We've explored this stuff extensively in therapy as well. It certainly isn't me since I loathe shopping with every fiber of my being. When I go into a mall or department store, my brain starts shutting down, lol. I tend to wear the same clothes for years which is a problem in itself and I'm trying to spruce myself up a bit. That's not to say that I don't take my kids shopping. I do. They have lots of nice clothes in their closets. I just don't give in to bratty demands, especially when it is a very high priced item and it comes as a demand.
We are hoping that she grows out of it. Over the years, she has gotten better in many areas. This Apple, car and Coach handbag obsession just gets tiring after a bit and it really is that....an obsession.
Then again, my situation is probably a bit more out of the norm than what other parents are going through on this thread so don't want to derail it too badly with my particular challenges.
You can also explain to her that no product is ever a one-off purchase. Cars need gas and maintenance to run, computers need electricity and Internet payments, and iPhones need phone service. Buying the product is the easy part, maintaining the upkeep is the expensive part.
LPDAL Yeah that is true about the gas for the car and the service for the phone. I have decided when I decide for my child to have a phone it will be a pre paid and if she wants minutes she will have to work for them. My child wants stuff too and name brand isn't a thing with her, she doesnt mind wal mart. I guess being homeless when we were made her appreciate what we do have. Just FYI amazon has refurbished items if you look at an item and it might have multiple sellers. Some of those sellers are cheaper maybe because of an over abundance of items or maybe its refurbished.Again my child is only turning 13 on xmas and I am sure it is coming the "I wants" and I am not looking foward to it. Good Luck
Last edited by JulieT726; 10-23-2013 at 10:00 PM..
Reason: forgot
LPDAL Yeah that is true about the gas for the car and the service for the phone. I have decided when I decide for my child to have a phone it will be a pre paid and if she wants minutes she will have to work for them. My child wants stuff too and name brand isn't a thing with her, she doesnt mind wal mart. I guess being homeless when we were made her appreciate what we do have. Just FYI amazon has refurbished items if you look at an item and it might have multiple sellers. Some of those sellers are cheaper maybe because of an over abundance of items or maybe its refurbished.Again my child is only turning 13 on xmas and I am sure it is coming the "I wants" and I am not looking foward to it. Good Luck
Thank you.
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