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It's disrespectful for a child to reject a hug from grandma. It's disrespectful if they don't pose for grandma trying to take a photograph of them etc. For them to reject such reasonable overtures is nothing short of disrespectful & worthy of a disciplinary response.
"I don't own my child's body" Ha! As I have said to mine numerous times, and it wasn't exaggerating much, "you don't even BREATHE without my permission." Anything I oppose, they better stop. Anything I tell them I want them to do, they better do it. Period. They don't like it, they can yell out-loud in a 903 acre plot of land deserted of any human OR animal life & they'll encounter more sympathy there than they EVER will yelling here.
And that's EXACTLY how it should be.
Understand--if our child is, say, sick etc & NICELY says "I don't feel like it right now is that okay?" etc AND the grandparent goes out of their way "oh that's okay, if they don't want to they don't have to" then that's fine. However if they are ALWAYS rejecting any overtures and/or being sassy about it, then I won't have it. There's nothing inherently wrong with grandma wanting a hug & it's just ridiculous in & of itself to act like such is so freaking awful. Lighten up for pete's sake, I would tell them.
Our girl who is 6, a few years ago around age 3-4, went through a phase where she didn't like having her picture taken, & we and grandma (my mother) went to a studio & she just would not cooperate, whereas our 1-2 year old (who is now 4) was very cooperative. I made the girl sit and WATCH while the 1-2 year old got donuts, then she had to sit & watch while he got to ride the tire-swing at home that she loved the heck out of. That was on top of me very strongly scolding her telling her she was being disrespectful & her attitude was ugly and totally uncalled for and completely ridiculous. Grandma has traveled 16 hours each way in a car to see you, to bless you with new clothes & taking out to eat etc, to pose 5-10 minutes in a photo as a way to say "thank you" isn't going to kill you. GET OVER YOURSELF.
Later on she dropped the sassing disrespectful attitude, and was rewarded very generously.
As I used to say--daddy giveth the tire swings & donuts, daddy can also taketh away, you EARN the privilege of those by marching how I say you are to march, when I say it, why I say it, and most of all BECAUSE I said it. For the record, she is very cooperative & even cheerful with picture taking these days, and very happy. (And even if she grows up to hate me, again, she can yell that on a 903 acre plot of land devoid of life and---well, you know.)
LRH
I grew up 1000 miles away from my extended family. While it's easy to say "But it's just grandma!", I had to reacquaint myself with my grandparents and family every time I met them. Even if I talked to them every few days on the phone, I didn't know who they were and I did not want to hug strangers (because, family or not, if you see someone only two or three times a year at most, they're a stranger when you're a kid!).
Forcing me to hug these family members did nothing but build resentment and further alienation. Futhermore, it caused me to FEAR my family because I knew I would need to let them into my personal space or otherwise be scolded.
(that's incest grossness.1)
...
1. i heard there is a chemical produce by relatives that give a gross feeling when they kiss. this chemical is said to prevent incest. i don't know if this is true
That you actually posted this tells me everything I need to know.
I grew up 1000 miles away from my extended family. While it's easy to say "But it's just grandma!", I had to reacquaint myself with my grandparents and family every time I met them. Even if I talked to them every few days on the phone, I didn't know who they were and I did not want to hug strangers (because, family or not, if you see someone only two or three times a year at most, they're a stranger when you're a kid!).
Forcing me to hug these family members did nothing but build resentment and further alienation. Futhermore, it caused me to FEAR my family because I knew I would need to let them into my personal space or otherwise be scolded.
If this is a personal attack then forgive me, I don't want it to be that, I'm trying to phrase this properly.
The geographical distance notwithstanding, I would say that in response to how it built resentment, the problem was in your attitude, NOT in that you were "forced" to do something of that nature.
I don't mean this as an attack on you, really I don't. I am just saying that sometimes people--and that can possibly include me at times as well (in fact I will give an illustration of that)--can resent something NOT because people asked us to do something inappropriate, but just because our attitude was wrong.
Take my nephew, for instance. He came over here once & acted all ugly when he said he was hungry & then saw that what I was cooking had onions in it, he hates onions. Okay, you hate onions, that's fine, BUT, what I was making everyone else was LOVING, and besides that, I'm your uncle, you're not my child, I am under NO obligation to make you a darned thing, frankly. I could've told your mother "feed him before sending him here, or send $4 with him for a meal at Burger King etc." Instead I chose to give your mother a break for a minute. On top of that I just spent 2 hours working on our pool to have it cleaned & even aired up floaties etc anticipating your arrival & wanting to make it a a good one, & all you can do is whine that what I'm cooking has onions in it?
Heck you ought to be thankful that upon knowing you were coming & the others as well, I had the desire in my heart to feed you something, and something home-made on top of that as opposed to a frozen Swanson meal or something, that ON TOP of working on the pool etc, and that ON TOP of that we are letting you later on have some of the frozen treats (Popsicles etc) which are normally for OUR child, our children are going to be asked to be polite & share those with you (again, the attitude--pout about that or be thankful your parents invited the cousins over?).
An even better example where MY attitude was wrong--many years ago when I was first on my own my mother visited my sister who lived about 6 hours from where I was now at, both of us were far enough from her for it to involve a plane flight for her, I drove up there to meet all of them. It was near Christmas & while there she wanted me to put on an outfit I didn't care for & have family shots taken. Now, I was an ADULT at this time, and it being the 1st year on my own I was HUGE with the "I'm grown I do what **I** want now, no one's going to tell me what to do" bit during that time, and I did NOT like the outfit I was asked to wear for the photos. My wife's husband impressed on me that my mother had traveled all this distance to see her grown children for a Christmas get-together & that it meant a lot to her, and that I was selfish to only think of what I wanted with such a silly thing & that I should suck it up and go along with her.
The way I figure it, if an ADULT (on their own that year for the first time establishing their adult-hood identity on top of everything else) can be told to get over themselves & show some respect, a CHILD sure as heck can. Heck I would say a child is under a LARGER obligation because they're not a grown adult making their own choices yet. One could make the point that since I was now an adult my mother shouldn't have been micromanaging things right down to what clothes I wore, that they should've respected me as an adult making my adult choices. A child doesn't get that same luxury, I think.
A child can, I think, be taught that grandma or whoever has just traveled thousands of miles to see you, & a 5 second hug or peck on the cheek is no big deal compared to the length of their trip, that they're going to probably spoil the heck out of you with lots of toys & visits to the ice cream parlor, when they could've avoided the long journey & spent all of their time & money on themselves--and that, perhaps most of all, such hugs etc are a natural sign of affection & love and that's how it's meant. It's not like the relatives are going to put on a slobberfest--and maybe that a child of whatever age considers it one & gets all upset about it means that, frankly, they're too touchy and need to be TOLD so.
older relatives love hugs from kids...plain and simple,,,i said relatives, not teachers, not strangers
lots of time a hug is thought of as a thank you to older relatives-say at christmas and birthdays..
i remember as a kid, i didnt like hugging some of my relatives- happened when we were leaving- i hated goodbyes, and if i avoided the hugs and bys,,,this was seen as very distant, unappreciative, and anti-social
There's just one problem, Maine: So many molesters are fathers, uncles, and older male cousins--relatives, not strangers.
It's disrespectful for a child to reject a hug from grandma. It's disrespectful if they don't pose for grandma trying to take a photograph of them etc. For them to reject such reasonable overtures is nothing short of disrespectful & worthy of a disciplinary response.
"I don't own my child's body" Ha! As I have said to mine numerous times, and it wasn't exaggerating much, "you don't even BREATHE without my permission." Anything I oppose, they better stop. Anything I tell them I want them to do, they better do it. Period. They don't like it, they can yell out-loud in a 903 acre plot of land deserted of any human OR animal life & they'll encounter more sympathy there than they EVER will yelling here.
And that's EXACTLY how it should be.
Understand--if our child is, say, sick etc & NICELY says "I don't feel like it right now is that okay?" etc AND the grandparent goes out of their way "oh that's okay, if they don't want to they don't have to" then that's fine. However if they are ALWAYS rejecting any overtures and/or being sassy about it, then I won't have it. There's nothing inherently wrong with grandma wanting a hug & it's just ridiculous in & of itself to act like such is so freaking awful. Lighten up for pete's sake, I would tell them.
Our girl who is 6, a few years ago around age 3-4, went through a phase where she didn't like having her picture taken, & we and grandma (my mother) went to a studio & she just would not cooperate, whereas our 1-2 year old (who is now 4) was very cooperative. I made the girl sit and WATCH while the 1-2 year old got donuts, then she had to sit & watch while he got to ride the tire-swing at home that she loved the heck out of. That was on top of me very strongly scolding her telling her she was being disrespectful & her attitude was ugly and totally uncalled for and completely ridiculous. Grandma has traveled 16 hours each way in a car to see you, to bless you with new clothes & taking out to eat etc, to pose 5-10 minutes in a photo as a way to say "thank you" isn't going to kill you. GET OVER YOURSELF.
Later on she dropped the sassing disrespectful attitude, and was rewarded very generously.
As I used to say--daddy giveth the tire swings & donuts, daddy can also taketh away, you EARN the privilege of those by marching how I say you are to march, when I say it, why I say it, and most of all BECAUSE I said it. For the record, she is very cooperative & even cheerful with picture taking these days, and very happy. (And even if she grows up to hate me, again, she can yell that on a 903 acre plot of land devoid of life and---well, you know.)
LRH
Quote:
Originally Posted by larrytxeast
If this is a personal attack then forgive me, I don't want it to be that, I'm trying to phrase this properly.
The geographical distance notwithstanding, I would say that in response to how it built resentment, the problem was in your attitude, NOT in that you were "forced" to do something of that nature.
I don't mean this as an attack on you, really I don't. I am just saying that sometimes people--and that can possibly include me at times as well--can resent something NOT because people asked us to do something inappropriate, but just because our attitude was wrong.
Take my nephew, for instance. He came over here once & acted all ugly when he said he was hungry & then saw that what I was cooking had onions in it, he hates onions. Okay, you hate onions, that's fine, BUT, what I was making everyone else was LOVING, and besides that, I'm your uncle, you're not my child, I am under NO obligation to make you a darned thing, frankly. I could've told your mother "feed him before sending him here, or send $4 with him for a meal at Burger King etc." Instead I chose to give your mother a break for a minute. On top of that I just spent 2 hours working on our pool to have it cleaned & even aired up floaties etc anticipating your arrival & wanting to make it a a good one, & all you can do is whine that what I'm cooking has onions in it?
Heck you ought to be thankful that upon knowing you were coming & the others as well, I had the desire in my heart to feed you something, and something home-made on top of that as opposed to a frozen Swanson meal or something, that ON TOP of working on the pool etc, and that ON TOP of that we are letting you later on have some of the frozen treats (Popsicles etc) which are normally for OUR child, our children are going to be asked to be polite & share those with you (again, the attitude--pout about that or be thankful your parents invited the cousins over?).
An even better example where MY attitude was wrong--many years ago when I was first on my own my mother visited my sister who lived about 6 hours from where I was now at. It was near Christmas & while there she wanted me to put on an outfit I didn't care for & have family shots taken. Now, I was an ADULT at this time, and it being the 1st year on my own I was HUGE with the "I'm grown I do what **I** want now, no one's going to tell me what to do" bit during that time, and I did NOT like the oufit I was asked to wear for the photos. My wife's husband impressed on me that my mother had traveled all this distance to see her grown children for a Christmas get-together & that it meant a lot to her, and that I was selfish to only think of what I wanted with such a silly thing & that I should suck it up and go along with her.
The way I figure it, if an ADULT on their own that year for the first time on top of everything else) can be told to get over themselves & show some respect, a CHILD sure as heck can. A child can, I think, be taught that grandma or whoever has just traveled thousands of miles to see you, & a 5 second hug or peck on the cheek is no big deal compared to the length of their trip, that they're going to probably spoil the heck out of you with lots of toys & visits to the ice cream parlor, when they could've avoided the long journey & spent all of their time & money on themselves--and that, perhaps most of all, such hugs etc are a natural sign of affection & love and that's how it's meant. It's not like the relatives are going to put on a slobberfest--and maybe that a child of whatever age considers it one & gets all upset about it means that, frankly, they're too touchy and need to be TOLD so.
LRH
Anyone else thinking this poster is going to have one helluva time with rebellious teenagers? I can just see the finger wagging. <--------and he'll probably get a lot of that when his back is turned, to boot
Sorry, fella, but you sound more like a dictator than a parent. My parents were pretty strict about some things, but they respected my boundaries and individuality as a human being. Funny, I didn't turn out to be anything other than a law-abiding, tax-paying, productive member of society.
It really sounds like you don't have any respect for children in general. They are not small adults who reason like adults. Their sense of time isn't even the same. Come on now: Tell me you don't remember thinking that an hour was a really long time when you were five. That "five-second" hug can seem very long to someone who has only been on this earth for a few years. Likewise, kids don't understand mileage and all of that. All you're doing is instilling guilt over what should be commended as very good instincts. If a kid finds someone repugnant, that is the kid's instinct telling him or her to be cautious. You say hugs and kisses are meant to be a sign of affection. When you force them on people, they're not. Then they become a sign of control and dominance.
P.S. There is plenty of research out there on eating disorders that demonstrate how using food as reward or punishment, as in your use of donuts, is a great way to raise a kid with a dysfunctional relationship with food, especially girls, especially when it comes from the father.
Anyone else thinking this poster is going to have one helluva time with rebellious teenagers? I can just see the finger wagging. <--------and he'll probably get a lot of that when his back is turned, to boot
IF that happens, that would be THEIR fault for not being obedient & respectful. Period. Regardless, there are certainly many instances of teens who rebel under all sorts of parenting styles, because they're teens.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Sorry, fella, but you sound more like a dictator than a parent.
At times, yes, and I'm PROUD of it too. It's called a benevolent dictatorship. The whole picture has to be one of love, and most times that is in fact how it is. However, when a child is being foolish, you don't tolerate it, you call it for the foolishness it is & nip it in the bud.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
Likewise, kids don't understand mileage and all of that.
I don't care what they don't understand--I DO understand it, and that's all that's necessary. The adult is the one who knows the child is the one who doesn't know squat, the adult is under no obligation to submit to ignorance. The children will learn them as they get old enough, but that they don't understand currently is no reason for me to turn off my intelligence & life experiences that enable me to where I DO understand it. A child who is 2 doesn't understand the need to urinate in a toilet vs their clothes, so what, I as the parent DO understand & 2 is old enough (ours were largely potty-trained by 2, serious).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lilac110
You say hugs and kisses are meant to be a sign of affection. When you force them on people, they're not. Then they become a sign of control and dominance.
In such situations, they are only "force" when the person receiving them has this ugly attitude about them which is completely misplaced. We're not talking about someone giving out huge slobbers or Aunt Matilda pulling on your cheeks until they're sore (those of which I can understand kids finding repulsive somewhat). But a simple hug or peck on the check, yes--GET OVER IT. As long as your shoes are underneath my table, you will do what I say, when I say, and BECAUSE I say it. Don't like it? Then when you're old enough, "hit the road, jack." In the meantime, you have no choice. "I hate you dad?" I don't care. I'm not your friend, I'm your father. Yell it all day long, I could give a fig less, & I know it to be simple rants of frustrations anyway.
n such situations, they are only "force" when the person receiving them has this ugly attitude about them which is completely misplaced. We're not talking about someone giving out huge slobbers or Aunt Matilda pulling on your cheeks until they're sore (those of which I can understand kids finding repulsive somewhat). But a simple hug or peck on the check, yes--GET OVER IT.
no you are the one who should get over it. why are you have such an entitlement mentality that you feel the need for force your self on children that want to show respect WITHOUT forced bodily contact? a hand shake or a high 5, hello, miss, mr, etc is enough. if a kid does not want to hug you you are the one who should get over it. you are the adult start acting like one
It's disrespectful for a child to reject a hug from grandma. It's disrespectful if they don't pose for grandma trying to take a photograph of them etc. For them to reject such reasonable overtures is nothing short of disrespectful & worthy of a disciplinary response.
"I don't own my child's body" Ha! As I have said to mine numerous times, and it wasn't exaggerating much, "you don't even BREATHE without my permission." Anything I oppose, they better stop. Anything I tell them I want them to do, they better do it. Period. They don't like it, they can yell out-loud in a 903 acre plot of land deserted of any human OR animal life & they'll encounter more sympathy there than they EVER will yelling here.
And that's EXACTLY how it should be.
Understand--if our child is, say, sick etc & NICELY says "I don't feel like it right now is that okay?" etc AND the grandparent goes out of their way "oh that's okay, if they don't want to they don't have to" then that's fine. However if they are ALWAYS rejecting any overtures and/or being sassy about it, then I won't have it. There's nothing inherently wrong with grandma wanting a hug & it's just ridiculous in & of itself to act like such is so freaking awful. Lighten up for pete's sake, I would tell them.
Our girl who is 6, a few years ago around age 3-4, went through a phase where she didn't like having her picture taken, & we and grandma (my mother) went to a studio & she just would not cooperate, whereas our 1-2 year old (who is now 4) was very cooperative. I made the girl sit and WATCH while the 1-2 year old got donuts, then she had to sit & watch while he got to ride the tire-swing at home that she loved the heck out of. That was on top of me very strongly scolding her telling her she was being disrespectful & her attitude was ugly and totally uncalled for and completely ridiculous. Grandma has traveled 16 hours each way in a car to see you, to bless you with new clothes & taking out to eat etc, to pose 5-10 minutes in a photo as a way to say "thank you" isn't going to kill you. GET OVER YOURSELF.
Later on she dropped the sassing disrespectful attitude, and was rewarded very generously.
As I used to say--daddy giveth the tire swings & donuts, daddy can also taketh away, you EARN the privilege of those by marching how I say you are to march, when I say it, why I say it, and most of all BECAUSE I said it. For the record, she is very cooperative & even cheerful with picture taking these days, and very happy. (And even if she grows up to hate me, again, she can yell that on a 903 acre plot of land devoid of life and---well, you know.)
LRH
I kind of agree with this. It's one thing if child is not hugging anyone, but if they hug everyone else and refuse to hug grandma, that to me is rude and hurtful. I experienced this on Saturday when we took my mom to dinner (she's 81) along with rest of family. At time to say goodbye, 4 year-old great grandchild hugs most of us, but when directed to hug great-grandma, looked at her, made a face and said "No, that's disgusting". I felt so bad for my Mom. Many little kids are frightened by old people, especially those like my mom who look really old, but to me his behavior was wrong and should have been corrected.
no you are the one who should get over it. why are you have such an entitlement mentality that you feel the need for force your self on children that want to show respect WITHOUT forced bodily contact? a hand shake or a high 5, hello, miss, mr, etc is enough. if a kid does not want to hug you you are the one who should get over it. you are the adult start acting like one
Thank you!
Last night at a family shindig, a my SO's cousin's two-year-old was shy about giving me a hug goodbye. I can totally understand that. She doesn't know me well, and has only met me two or three times. My SO and I have been together for years, so it's not like I'm this random chick he just met, either. No "stranger" to the family by a long shot.
But I understood it, and I also remember how I felt about those dopey, cheek-pinching, touchy-feely adults I had to deal with in my big Italian family as a kid. Just ick.
So you know what my SO's cousin said? "Okay, so wave bye-bye and blow kiss?" And that's what the little girl did. Utterly charming, the kid didn't have to feel uncomfortable, and I live with the knowledge that I am not a cretin who feels entitled to put my hands on a child.
And yeah, the temper tantrum about "OMG, YOU WON'T EAT MY ONIONS!" is ridiculous. Any adult with any experience with kids should know that most kids don't like strongly-flavored foods like onions, garlic, hot spices, etc. There's some biology to that, if someone was inclined to look into it. I'm not saying to cater to a kid's every whim--I think the French have it right in many ways--but that it's on the adult to understand the kid and pick the battles, not the other way around. I couldn't imagine growing up in a home where there was a stink about every little thing and the parent was "my way or the highway" about something as benign as not liking onions. The good thing is that eventually parents like Larry get tired. By the second or third kid (I was the fourth), most parents know what's worth disciplining for and what's not.
It's disrespectful for a child to reject a hug from grandma. It's disrespectful if they don't pose for grandma trying to take a photograph of them etc. For them to reject such reasonable overtures is nothing short of disrespectful & worthy of a disciplinary response.
"I don't own my child's body" Ha! As I have said to mine numerous times, and it wasn't exaggerating much, "you don't even BREATHE without my permission." Anything I oppose, they better stop. Anything I tell them I want them to do, they better do it. Period. They don't like it, they can yell out-loud in a 903 acre plot of land deserted of any human OR animal life & they'll encounter more sympathy there than they EVER will yelling here.
And that's EXACTLY how it should be.
Understand--if our child is, say, sick etc & NICELY says "I don't feel like it right now is that okay?" etc AND the grandparent goes out of their way "oh that's okay, if they don't want to they don't have to" then that's fine. However if they are ALWAYS rejecting any overtures and/or being sassy about it, then I won't have it. There's nothing inherently wrong with grandma wanting a hug & it's just ridiculous in & of itself to act like such is so freaking awful. Lighten up for pete's sake, I would tell them.
Our girl who is 6, a few years ago around age 3-4, went through a phase where she didn't like having her picture taken, & we and grandma (my mother) went to a studio & she just would not cooperate, whereas our 1-2 year old (who is n'ow 4) was very cooperative. I made the girl sit and WATCH while the 1-2 year old got donuts, then she had to sit & watch while he got to ride the tire-swing at home that she loved the heck out of. That was on top of me very strongly scolding her telling her she was being disrespectful & her attitude was ugly and totally uncalled for and completely ridiculous. Grandma has traveled 16 hours each way in a car to see you, to bless you with new clothes & taking out to eat etc, to pose 5-10 minutes in a photo as a way to say "thank you" isn't going to kill you. GET OVER YOURSELF.
Later on she dropped the sassing disrespectful attitude, and was rewarded very generously.
As I used to say--daddy giveth the tire swings & donuts, daddy can also taketh away, you EARN the privilege of those by marching how I say you are to march, when I say it, why I say it, and most of all BECAUSE I said it. For the record, she is very cooperative & even cheerful with picture taking these days, and very happy. (And even if she grows up to hate me, again, she can yell that on a 903 acre plot of land devoid of life and---well, you know.)
LRH
What's wrong with America today...gee, I just don't know.
K
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<--------and he'll probably get a lot of that when his back is turned, to boot
Many little kids are frightened by old people, especially those like my mom who look really old, but to me his behavior was wrong and should have been corrected.
hmmm...
