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Old 10-09-2013, 05:53 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359

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I'm sure she's been over every worst-case scenario a million times. We moms are great at that.

The outcome really will all depend on what their relationship has been like all along. We've only heard the mom's side of the story. This scenario is precisely why parenting is something that has to happen every day, not every once in a while or at the last minute. If she's been there "all along," her son will have an easier time trusting her guidance.
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Old 10-09-2013, 09:07 PM
 
Location: California
37,097 posts, read 42,098,467 times
Reputation: 34962
Listen to your gut. Be there for him.

My 22 year old son was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 8 months. He lives at home with me, so it can happen anywhere. Unfortunately, I couldn't remove him from the situation and didn't even realize it was happening.

I knew she was "off" but didn't know the extent of her problems (lot's of actual diagnosed issues, meds, drugs, past abuse, etc. ) and my son, the nicest guy in the world, thought he could "save" her and they would live happily ever after. He tried being her therapist and she had no friends but him. He's not that experienced with girls and was thrilled to have her as a girlfriend because she was pretty and they had things in common. He didn't tell me anything much while it was happening other than they got in a fight or she was mad at him...you know, the usual. It wasn't until the last couple of weeks, after they had been broken up for a few months, that I got the more of the story. The stress, emotional manipulation, cheating, etc. on top of real issues he isn't qualified to deal with (and not wanting to tell anyone) drove him over the edge and he nearly had a breakdown. He's still upset about the whole thing but now that he can talk about it and get perspective he's feeling better.

On the other side of the fence, my daughter had a 2 year relationship with a boy. He went to college while she was still in HS. I admit she was flakey, (not abusive tho!) but she was a 17 year old who didn't want to be in a serious, long distance relationship so she ended it and he DID have a breakdown. Immature kids playing grownup games sometimes...
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Old 10-10-2013, 09:43 AM
 
45 posts, read 68,612 times
Reputation: 64
So my son gets in on Sunday and I'm not going to say anything to him, other than we have a family counseling apt on Tuesday, the counselor wants to talk to him, with us first, before we go into anything.

Through much help and this forum I've learned that I can only ask him to stay home a semester and get some help. I knew that I was asking all along although it may have sounded like I was telling him but I wasn't, what I was saying is I want him to get some help and stay home but what I wasn't letting myself hear was he can say no I'm not staying and leave.

I just didn't pay attention to that becuase I don't believe he will do that, it's just doesn't seem like him. He's always been rational about boundaries and guidance and never opposed and objected to understand anything we ever did was in his best interest, and always about him. I'm hoping it will be that way this time.
I'm not sure how I will handle it if he walks out the door. That's the fear, I'll have to let him go and live god knows how, without school, etc. I'm torn because I think..... being there with our help has to be better than being there without it! But then think I can't fund his ability to stay there and continue to be abused. So I guess now the real question is

If he says no I'm going back, I guess I have to let him go, and without my help, right? That scares me the most! The alternative is to continue to pay for his college but not much more. But then I'm still helping him be there.ugh!

I pray he will listen to reason and agree to stay!
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Old 10-10-2013, 09:48 AM
 
45 posts, read 68,612 times
Reputation: 64
I will be sure to follow up with this forum as things progress. I hate it when you look for help but never hear of the outcome. People who get what they want, but don't update for the help of others, is wrong. This forum is to help people not just me. I know every situation and person is different but if I can help another parent or child somehow.... That's how I repay this forum and everyone on it, for helping me! Thanks again!
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Old 10-10-2013, 10:34 AM
 
47,525 posts, read 69,565,345 times
Reputation: 22474
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
It doesn't feel right because you know it's not the right solution for the problem with your son, who you know MUCH better than we do.

Tuition costs and "manhood" are corollaries to the main problem. Not even a consideration.

If it were MY son, his one and only option would be home for the semester with weekly therapy. After that? We'll see.

I've lived an eerily similar situation with my next-door neighbor and her 18-year-old son who had a manic, suicidal girlfriend. Five years later, she is but a blip on the radar of his past.

Don't waver. Once he gets home, you have to be sure of your priority.
Yes I agree on that approach, and that is what the psychologist also says. And taking it one semester at a time is good because it gives him a breather away from this horrible situation, but would be less "final" sounding. I find ot strange that some believe a parent is obligated to finance even domestic violence and must live in fear of not handing over their money even when it will keep a child in a dangerous environment. A semester off will not kill him a psychotic lover could.
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Old 10-10-2013, 11:06 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,754,614 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tcell429 View Post
So my son gets in on Sunday and I'm not going to say anything to him, other than we have a family counseling apt on Tuesday, the counselor wants to talk to him, with us first, before we go into anything.

Through much help and this forum I've learned that I can only ask him to stay home a semester and get some help. I knew that I was asking all along although it may have sounded like I was telling him but I wasn't, what I was saying is I want him to get some help and stay home but what I wasn't letting myself hear was he can say no I'm not staying and leave.

I just didn't pay attention to that becuase I don't believe he will do that, it's just doesn't seem like him. He's always been rational about boundaries and guidance and never opposed and objected to understand anything we ever did was in his best interest, and always about him. I'm hoping it will be that way this time.
I'm not sure how I will handle it if he walks out the door. That's the fear, I'll have to let him go and live god knows how, without school, etc. I'm torn because I think..... being there with our help has to be better than being there without it! But then think I can't fund his ability to stay there and continue to be abused. So I guess now the real question is

If he says no I'm going back, I guess I have to let him go, and without my help, right? That scares me the most! The alternative is to continue to pay for his college but not much more. But then I'm still helping him be there.ugh!

I pray he will listen to reason and agree to stay!
Even if he does walk out, it doesn't mean he can't/won't come back in a day, week, month, etc.
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Old 10-10-2013, 11:51 AM
 
16,579 posts, read 20,658,614 times
Reputation: 26860
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tcell429 View Post
So my son gets in on Sunday and I'm not going to say anything to him, other than we have a family counseling apt on Tuesday, the counselor wants to talk to him, with us first, before we go into anything.

Through much help and this forum I've learned that I can only ask him to stay home a semester and get some help. I knew that I was asking all along although it may have sounded like I was telling him but I wasn't, what I was saying is I want him to get some help and stay home but what I wasn't letting myself hear was he can say no I'm not staying and leave.

I just didn't pay attention to that becuase I don't believe he will do that, it's just doesn't seem like him. He's always been rational about boundaries and guidance and never opposed and objected to understand anything we ever did was in his best interest, and always about him. I'm hoping it will be that way this time.
I'm not sure how I will handle it if he walks out the door. That's the fear, I'll have to let him go and live god knows how, without school, etc. I'm torn because I think..... being there with our help has to be better than being there without it! But then think I can't fund his ability to stay there and continue to be abused. So I guess now the real question is

If he says no I'm going back, I guess I have to let him go, and without my help, right? That scares me the most! The alternative is to continue to pay for his college but not much more. But then I'm still helping him be there.ugh!

I pray he will listen to reason and agree to stay!
Fingers crossed for you. I hope he sees it as a chance to break up with her while blaming it on you.

Keep in mind that it may not (and probably won't) be an "either/or" situation. What if he says that he'll go back and break up with her? Will you trust him to do that? What if he says if he stays home, she'll move to where he is? Not trying to upset you, just trying to help you think of other possible outcomes.
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Old 10-10-2013, 11:58 AM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,499 posts, read 53,926,720 times
Reputation: 47912
I'm wondering where his father is in all of this? Does he have any influence in his life?
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Old 10-10-2013, 12:14 PM
 
45 posts, read 68,612 times
Reputation: 64
His father and I have been married 25 years he's a good man and good father kind of quiet and not much of a communicator, though has always been an active, supportive and participating parent not very talkative. We are making sure we are in agreance with everything and on the same page so we can rely on each other. He has talked with our son on many different occasions and tried to show him the light but of course our son thinks he can handle her. It's like he knows it's toxic and he shouldn't be with her but he can't help himself and/or thinks he's going to be fine, or that things are going to work out.
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Old 10-10-2013, 12:16 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,489,477 times
Reputation: 40198
Quote:
Originally Posted by no kudzu View Post
I'm wondering where his father is in all of this? Does he have any influence in his life?
somewhere upthread she addressed this...she is writing here like it's only her, but she said his dad is there too and is also at a loss as how to handle this situation.
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