Right way to make it "fair"? (clever, children, learn)

[parentologist]

It does sound manipulative. When we moved, my spouse and I decided who got which room. The oldest did NOT get the biggest and best. The girl did, because it had a better closet, and we just felt that she needed it more. We just told them which rooms they were going into, and that was that. No arguments from them - they knew they wouldn't win.

[momtothree]

Originally Posted by aquietpath

Kudos to the mom for giving the kids a choice, since the kids are the ones who will have to live with the decision. I don't think the mom was manipulative at all. The oldest kid was fine with getting the bigger, brighter room until she found out her younger sister preferred the other one. Then she wasn't happy. I guess the bigger deal to the older sibling was she was going to get something the younger one wanted. I see nothing wrong with the mom helping the younger one (who didn't get first choice) be happy with the room the older sister didn't want. Maybe the "it's our secret" could have been eliminated, but other than that, I see no problem at all.

It isn't so much that the younger one preferred it, it was the fact they both wanted the sunny room till the mom separated them. Then changed the little's girl mind by pointing out secretly that the "sunny" room now won't be later.

Why not stop the squabble and point out all the features of each room and then let them decide? Or as I would have done, toss a coin/assign the room if they couldn't resolve it peacefully.

[kitkatbar]

Originally Posted by momtothree

It isn't so much that the younger one preferred it, it was the fact they both wanted the sunny room till the mom separated them. Then changed the little's girl mind by pointing out secretly that the "sunny" room now won't be later.

Why not stop the squabble and point out all the features of each room and then let them decide? Or as I would have done, toss a coin/assign the room if they couldn't resolve it peacefully.

I think there's lots of ways to skin a cat and either of the two latter choices would've worked for some children too. But then, I don't really see anything horrible about the way this particular mom did it either. It's like seeing a kid acting up in the supermarket and thinking, "Well, I would've done this, this and that differently and my kid never acted like that." That child isn't yours, you may have gotten an easy one and the other mom's kid may be strong-willed, and even with two children who have the same parents and grow up in the same house, what works for one doesn't always work for the other.

In short, I'd try to withhold too much judgment.

[cindersslipper]

The "fair" way in my house was my way.

My kids were listened to and loved, also expected to do as they were told.

[stan4]

That mom does not have the balls to parent and put her foot down.

When we moved, my parents gave my little brother the big room with its own bathroom.

I got the slightly smaller room that shared a bath with the guest room (bigger bathroom).

I was cheezed until they pointed out TS and I had the bigger room 4 years at the last house.

They told me I could stuff my whining.

No stupid games.

That women needs to mom up and dish out the parenting instead of dumb lies and platitudes.

[Stagemomma]

She is teaching them to be devious and manipulative.

She gave them a 'choice' they were never going to be able to negotiate on their own. Not an age appropriate strategy. She should have known the outcome. So why not sit them both down and say: Bedroom X is best for child A because__________, bedroom y is best for child B because__________. Does anyone else have any thoughts? Then listen to their opinions and make a decision. Make it clear that their input is valued, but make it clear that Mom is the decider.

OR just decide, and tell them which room belongs to whom.

OR discuss each room with each child in advance to get the lay of the land, then make a decision. I did this recently over a period of weeks with my kids when we added on a new bedroom. We were able to discuss pros and cons and come to an agreement that we are still happy with 1.5 years later. But they are older......

She is not doing herself or them any favors, and you are correct to be somewhat suspicious of her methods. Does she manipulate adults this way also?

[Jukesgrrl]

Originally Posted by hedgehog_mom

the reason the kids are always arguing is that the mom treats their life like a game. If she can be sneaky enough, she can manipulate them into doing what she wants without them having an argument. Then she wins. The problem with treating child-rearing like a game is that one child always ends up feeling like the loser. Sometimes, both end up feeling like that ...

^^^^ that.

[hunterseat]

Originally Posted by Paka

We raised 6 kids....5 adopted foreign born, one "homemade". Of all the life lessons we taught our kids, the first and formost is that "life is not always fair" but you can NOT let that stop you or make you feel any less driven towards your goals. You might be judged by the color of your skin, where you are from, or even the accent you speak with, but YOU have the ability to SELL YOURSELF regardless and prove them WRONG and help TEACH each and every person you deal with that we are ALL the same in regards to abilities....just some are more driven than others.

WOW! I love you! Either we clone you or you have to raise a bunch more kids.

[Sage 80]

I don't like that mother's method. She's teaching them to be untrustworthy and manipulative.

The way I would handle it is to point out the benefits and drawbacks of both rooms and then give them 10 minutes alone to decide who gets which. If they can't come to a decision, I make the decision for them.

In my house, I don't entertain any "That's not fair" squabbling and nonsense. We give them the freedom to make certain decisions, which they either negotiate amongst themselves, or if they cannot come to an agreement, my husband or I make the decision. End of story.

[dblackga]

I'd have numbered the rooms "A" and "B", put two pieces of paper, A and B, in a box, let them flip a coin for first draw, and let them draw for the room they get.

Yeah, I think it's a little manipulative.