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Old 11-19-2007, 11:48 AM
 
Location: huh?
3,099 posts, read 1,914,824 times
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i think you very well know what is best for you. your post seems very well thought out so i dont think you should have a baby to please your husband. plus i think if you are going to have a baby that you should be there to raise it not a nanny.
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Old 11-19-2007, 01:22 PM
 
Location: New England
786 posts, read 801,883 times
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What did you talk about when you were dating, then?
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Old 11-19-2007, 01:53 PM
 
Location: CA
2,464 posts, read 5,687,770 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
What do you do when one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't? My husband and I are in our late 20's/early 30's and have been married several years, and been together for 7. My husband wants kids and I do not. I've never had the desire to have kids, but when we were dating it never was an issue b/c I was in my early 20's then, and I figured by the time I turned 30 my feelings about having children would change. However, they haven't and now that the clock is starting to tick it's becoming an issue. My husband wants to start having kids soon, and I am nowhere near ready. I would prefer to wait another 5 years before revisiting the issue, and then see how I feel in terms of readiness. I'm also very open about the idea of adoption, but he is very insistent about having biological kids.

My reasons for not wanting to have kids are several. One is that I have never felt the "baby itch" and have never desired to have kids. I don't feel that my life is incomplete without children, and I feel strongly that one can be fulfilled without kids. Also, I don't want to give up my career and want to work full-time, so since my husband also wants to work full-time we would need a nanny. Furthermore, I just don't feel ready psychologically to have kids. And I also have no desire to go through pregnancy and childbirth, nor do I have any interest in breastfeeding. And last, I just have very little experience with children. I was an only child, and the last time I was around little kids was about 20 years ago when my cousins were young children. I don't have any pregnant friends or friends with kids, so I'm never around kids. And I guess overall I just don't feel any maternal feelings. I thought they would have been there by now but they're not.

I don't know what to do. This is a huge issue not to be on the same page about. One of us has to give in. Either I give in and have kids, and have them before I want them/am ready for them or he gives in and doesn't have kids and feels resentful about that. He understands that since neither one of us is willing to stay home we need to have a nanny, and he's ok with that.

Anyone in a similar situation or have any thoughts?
Don't address the issue in 5 years. You need to address it NOW. If you don't have kids with this man... he just may leave you down the road because of it. But please don't let that be the reason you have kids! If you don't want kids then don't let anyone pressure you into it. However, it's not fair to your husband either to go through his life without children if he wants them and it's not fair that you make your husband wait for years while you make up your mind. You need to have a serious talk with yourself and do some soul searching...
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Old 11-19-2007, 02:14 PM
 
Location: Chicago's burbs
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This seems like an important topic for a married couple to be on the same page about. If you don't want kids and your husband does, are you sure you are right for each other?
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:22 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,198 posts, read 20,215,476 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
My DH thinks that if I am around kids I will start to like them or start to feel that calling to be a mother--what do you think? Like I mentioned before, I don't have any friends who are pregnant or have kids, so I'm never around kids.
You're a dog lover... were you always drawn to dogs or did you see one in the pets store one day and felt drawn to them?

If you have a dog, you know the responsability that comes with owning a dog.. kids are pretty much the same. You take them to the doctor for shots & checkups.. You feed them good food & give them love... You may get a kid that's no problem, no ear infections and a generally easy baby; then again you may not. Both of my kids are different, just like dogs are different.

You said yourself you haven't been around kids so you have no clue. It's possible that if you were around kids you'd start getting that yearning to have your own. There's nothing like holding a newborn and smelling them, holding them & kissing them. It's something you just can't convey in words.

If you were around kids you would be able to say yes you want them or no you don't; but you haven't, so you don't know how your life would be if you did have kids. Right now you are happy being childless because you don't have anything to compare it to. There is the possiblity that you will have at least one kid and you'll look back and wonder how you ever felt the way you do now. There's also the possibility that maybe you aren't meant to have kids or can't.

Some people are very happy without kids and I respect their decision. For me, I wanted at least two because we didn't have family in the states as both of my parents came from Hungary in the 50's. I never had grandparents or more then 1 cousin that I knew. I do know that I don't want to die alone, I want to have my kids with me (unless I outlive them) and I want to know what it's like to be a grandparent. My dad & son had a very strong bond before he died; I'd like to have that bond also. I couldn't imagine my life without my two kids.. they've brought me so much joy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
Personally, I have no problem with not having children--or deciding at 40 that I want kids and adopting.....but my husband wants them now and wants his own biological kids....I feel really torn about this because I don't want to deny him the experience of fatherhood--but at the same time I feel so indifferent or negative towards motherhood. When I think about having children, I think of all the negatives and few of the positives. I know there are lots of positives but they seem overshadowed to me by the negatives.

I think in the end I will end up giving in and having kids--but I know I will be doing it before I am ready.
This paragraph speaks to me.. You're ok with adopting if you have to.. this tells me that you may very well want kids one day, but may not be ready right this minute. I see that you recently moved. I can understand why this wouldn't be a good time to get pregnant, but it could also be a positive to get pregnant as the baby may bring both of you something that is missing in this new town. You have no family near you. Maybe this is why your hubby is thinking about having a baby?

I didn't realize you were the one that posted the terrified of pregnancy post... I think that once you get over your fears, it will be a big step in deciding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
He understands that since neither one of us is willing to stay home we need to have a nanny, and he's ok with that.
Either you go the nanny route or the daycare route. For some couples the nanny makes sense, and if your lives are that hectic, having the nanny (be sure to look into cost) may be the right choice for you. I actually like the nanny idea as the kid can grow up in their own home and have normalcy until they are ready to start school. This is if you end up needing the nanny. Who knows, one of you may end up wanting to be a stay at home parent.
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Old 11-19-2007, 04:35 PM
 
Location: Back in MADISON Wi thank God!
1,047 posts, read 3,238,449 times
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when I was young,I NEVER wanted children.I did not start to "feel" that need to have kids until about 35 or so.I married at 38,and had my kids at 40,43 and 47.To this day,I am not particularly fond of other peoples kids,so I don't really believe that is a good test for you to "be around kids" or borrow someones kids for a week. For me,that would have driven me farther away from wanting kids. It is hard to explain,but I just began to have a very strong need to give birth.Of course by that age,I would have been willing to adopt as well, if I was unable to conceive.I also agree that your husband is not realistic on his thoughts of what having kids is like.YOU WILL be the one who bears the most responsibility!Even with the most devoted husband and father,that is how it is!Please,do not have children before you are ready.It is an all consuming lifestyle,even for those of us who love it and wanted it.I think you are smart to think it and feel it out before just giving in to make your husband happy.If it is not something you truely want in your heart,everyone may suffer in the end.
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Old 11-20-2007, 10:39 AM
 
662 posts, read 5,150,495 times
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Let me add a bit more info about why I feel I'm not ready at this time, despite being in my early 30's. When I met DH, we were both 23. Do people really think about having kids at age 23? It just never occurred to me to think about it. We were both in grad school and focused on that. Honestly, I never thought about having kids at all until I was 28. It just seemed like something so far off on the horizon up until then. It never occurred to me to imagine myself as a mother or think about having kids until then....not sure why.

Anyhow, DH and I dated for a few years, but we never talked about kids, b/c we were in our early to mid 20's then and it just didn't seem like an issue. While I knew I never felt strongly about motherhood I just assumed that yes, we would have kids someday, but that seemed very far off into the future, and I assumed by the time I turned 30 that I would feel more strongly about wanting to be a mother.

However, that hasn't happened yet. On the other hand, like I mentioned, I am never around kids. I am an only child, so I don't have any nieces or nephews, and DH's siblings don't have kids. I don't have any friends who are pregnant or have kids. The last time I was around kids was 20 years ago. So I'm open to the idea that if I can be around kids, maybe I'll start to feel strongly about being a mother. However, I'm not sure logistically how I would do this, since we're new in town and barely know anyone as it is, let alone anyone with kids.

The last year has been a lot of change for DH and me, and I feel like I'm still in a transitional phase rather than settled down. Here are the reasons why: a) we moved, on a whim, from the midwest to Washington, DC. We didn't know a single person here and had never been here before, but we wanted a change of scenery. Making new friends in a brand new city where you don't know anyone is hard. It has been a wonderful decision, and we love it here, but we decided this is not where we plan to settle down due to the high cost of homes here. So we still rent and feel like we haven't yet found the place where we want to put down roots.

b) I made a major career change decision in the last year and left my previous career and am now pursuing a whole new career that is not related in any way to my previous career, but it's my dream career. I am just now beginning to get into it, so I don't want to put that on hold to have kids right now.

c) DH and I finally have the honeymoon period together that we never had after we got married b/c DH was finishing up his doctorate, and that took up a ton of time. We've been married for a couple years now, but I feel like it's only been in the last year that we've had that honeymoon period to enjoy each other. Before we barely saw each other when DH was finishing up grad school. Now, we're enjoying our time together a lot.

d) I feel like I'm still in the process of "finding myself." I know this should have happened back in college, but I went to grad school, ended up in the wrong career, and have been doing a lot of soul-searching and introspection in the past few years to figure out what I really want to do and finding myself. I feel like I'm still in that phase, so I feel that having kids now would not be the right time. I feel like we live like college students in a way--we still rent, we move a lot (we've moved twice in the past two years), we love city life, and we haven't found a place to settle yet. We're still in the process of determining what factors are important to us in a new place since we are not planning to move back to our hometowns or to where our families live.

So those are all the reasons why I feel like now is not the right time to have kids. I know I'm already in my early 30's, and the clock is ticking, and that's why this is such a stressful topic for me. But I feel that given all these above reasons, to have kids now would not be a good decision.
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Old 11-20-2007, 11:49 AM
 
Location: Back in MADISON Wi thank God!
1,047 posts, read 3,238,449 times
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wow,I have to say,you sound totally correct.I would say that your husband must agree that it would be best to find where you would like to settle down before you have kids.And I think you need to get your career off the ground also.Even if you waited until 35 or 36 it will not be too late.Not all clocks run out! And at that young age,you can conceive with minimal intervention if there is a problem.You two really need to talk! You express yourself very well and present a reasonable argument as to why you should wait abit longer.It is very important to have time as husband and wife!to be able to spend time just the two of you.It will never be the same after kids.Enjoy the time.That's why even though I did not marry until 38,we waited over a year to even begin trying to have a baby.And it only took 4 months even at age 39! I had a healthy happy first birth at age 40.
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Old 11-20-2007, 01:03 PM
 
Location: Waterford & Sterling Heights, Michigan
340 posts, read 821,584 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
Let me add a bit more info about why I feel I'm not ready at this time, despite being in my early 30's. When I met DH, we were both 23. Do people really think about having kids at age 23? It just never occurred to me to think about it. We were both in grad school and focused on that. Honestly, I never thought about having kids at all until I was 28. It just seemed like something so far off on the horizon up until then. It never occurred to me to imagine myself as a mother or think about having kids until then....not sure why.

Anyhow, DH and I dated for a few years, but we never talked about kids, b/c we were in our early to mid 20's then and it just didn't seem like an issue. While I knew I never felt strongly about motherhood I just assumed that yes, we would have kids someday, but that seemed very far off into the future, and I assumed by the time I turned 30 that I would feel more strongly about wanting to be a mother.

However, that hasn't happened yet. On the other hand, like I mentioned, I am never around kids. I am an only child, so I don't have any nieces or nephews, and DH's siblings don't have kids. I don't have any friends who are pregnant or have kids. The last time I was around kids was 20 years ago. So I'm open to the idea that if I can be around kids, maybe I'll start to feel strongly about being a mother. However, I'm not sure logistically how I would do this, since we're new in town and barely know anyone as it is, let alone anyone with kids.

The last year has been a lot of change for DH and me, and I feel like I'm still in a transitional phase rather than settled down. Here are the reasons why: a) we moved, on a whim, from the midwest to Washington, DC. We didn't know a single person here and had never been here before, but we wanted a change of scenery. Making new friends in a brand new city where you don't know anyone is hard. It has been a wonderful decision, and we love it here, but we decided this is not where we plan to settle down due to the high cost of homes here. So we still rent and feel like we haven't yet found the place where we want to put down roots.

b) I made a major career change decision in the last year and left my previous career and am now pursuing a whole new career that is not related in any way to my previous career, but it's my dream career. I am just now beginning to get into it, so I don't want to put that on hold to have kids right now.

c) DH and I finally have the honeymoon period together that we never had after we got married b/c DH was finishing up his doctorate, and that took up a ton of time. We've been married for a couple years now, but I feel like it's only been in the last year that we've had that honeymoon period to enjoy each other. Before we barely saw each other when DH was finishing up grad school. Now, we're enjoying our time together a lot.

d) I feel like I'm still in the process of "finding myself." I know this should have happened back in college, but I went to grad school, ended up in the wrong career, and have been doing a lot of soul-searching and introspection in the past few years to figure out what I really want to do and finding myself. I feel like I'm still in that phase, so I feel that having kids now would not be the right time. I feel like we live like college students in a way--we still rent, we move a lot (we've moved twice in the past two years), we love city life, and we haven't found a place to settle yet. We're still in the process of determining what factors are important to us in a new place since we are not planning to move back to our hometowns or to where our families live.

So those are all the reasons why I feel like now is not the right time to have kids. I know I'm already in my early 30's, and the clock is ticking, and that's why this is such a stressful topic for me. But I feel that given all these above reasons, to have kids now would not be a good decision.
[SIZE=2]
I read this post and I just had to comment.
You sound exactly like me a few years ago. I do not think there is anything wrong with you. Not all women are born with that desire of giving birth or having babies.

I was raised in a loving family, the youngest of three kids. Most of my cousins are my age or older so I was never around small children. I NEVER liked children or felt any desire to be a mother. When I dated my husband back in college children were the last thing on my mind. Before we got married I told him that I did not want any children, but he always thought that I was going to change my mind because we were still young.

When we got married we where both 24 working full time and going to graduate school classes in the evenings. We were making good money so we traveled around the world. We owned our home (which my husband bought at 22) and we where also very driven in our jobs. For the next three years our lives felt fulfilled, we loved our jobs, we were doing our PhDs, we were traveling, life was happening exactly as I planned it.

At 27 I got pregnant and it was not planned. I was still working on my PhD plus I had my job. My husband was nervous at first but then he got excited. I had mixed feelings. I always thought pregnant woman were disgusting and that is exactly how I felt. When you are pregnant you don't glow, nobody does, you are just fat and bloated. Giving birth I wont even talk about it.
But I have to tell you that after I had my baby I became a different person in many ways. I still do not like children that are not family and I never was a tender lovey kind of person. I'm an Engineer and I'm usually surrounded by males so that may be one reason. But with my children (yes I have 4 now!!!) it is something very different. It is like something kicked in and now I can not imaging how boring and dull my life would be without them. I still hated being pregnant and fat but I even breasted all of our children, something that was unimaginable for me.

Our lives have changed drastically. We do not travel as much now, we are waken up at 7:00 AM every Saturday and Sunday, my husband and I can hardly find any alone time, your priorities just change. But there is nothing in the world that I could love more than my children.

I still have my career and work full time but that is because my husband is a super helper and we work as a team. We divide chores and responsibilities, otherwise it would be impossible for me to continue to work full time.

From what you describe I do not think you are ready to be a mother, you may need more time and that is OK. You age does not matter that much but your experiences. Some women may be ready at 25 others may not be ready until 35. You should not have a baby just because your husband want it, however, this will become a serious issue in your marriage. It may be a good idea to talk to a marriage counselor before your marriage suffers any damage. But never think that because you do not feel the need to be pregnant or you have not been around children you will not be a good mother.
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Old 11-20-2007, 01:56 PM
 
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You've certainly thought it all through doglover and seem to have great insight into your feelings and motivations. Now it's time to discuss it all with your husband. I agree with the posters who said that you should not have a baby unless you want one because it's not fair anyone involved. On the other hand, it's also true that having or adopting a child may be the best thing that ever happened to you. Like so many things in life, there are no guarantees.

I wouldn't hesitate to go to a counselor because it will look like you have a problem. One, you do have a problem--despite the fact that you get along very well this is a huge issue. Second, no one has to know. You don't know many people in town and if you don't discuss it with friends or family (and it's none of their business) no one will know about it but you two. Third, a good counselor can help facilitate communication between you and may help you arrive at a compromise or solution that you haven't thought of.

Finally, again I'll echo other posters and say I hardly like any children except my own dd. And I don't even like her all the time although I love her dearly. There are days when I yearn for my carefree, childfree days. But given the opportunity I wouldn't change anything.
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