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Old 11-20-2007, 03:01 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,206 posts, read 20,221,533 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
So those are all the reasons why I feel like now is not the right time to have kids. I know I'm already in my early 30's, and the clock is ticking, and that's why this is such a stressful topic for me. But I feel that given all these above reasons, to have kids now would not be a good decision.

I wonder that if you went to whatever doctor you needed to (to fnd this out) that it may help your decision.. Maybe some fo the women that have fertility problems can comment.. from watching TV, it sounds as though there is a way to see how fertile you are. Maybe think about doing something like that in another year when you are more settled down? This will give you an idea of whether you have some time or don't.

I had my 1st at 20, it was pretty easy, I was young. I had my 2nd at 28. I sufferred with sciatica pretty bad at the end of the pregnancy. Both births were easy as were the labors. From what I hear, the older you are, the harder the pregnancy is.
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Old 11-20-2007, 05:14 PM
 
Location: Boise / Eagle, Idaho
306 posts, read 1,100,766 times
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Default Hard questions - thoughts.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I wonder that if you went to whatever doctor you needed to (to fnd this out) that it may help your decision.. Maybe some fo the women that have fertility problems can comment.. from watching TV, it sounds as though there is a way to see how fertile you are. Maybe think about doing something like that in another year when you are more settled down? This will give you an idea of whether you have some time or don't.

I had my 1st at 20, it was pretty easy, I was young. I had my 2nd at 28. I sufferred with sciatica pretty bad at the end of the pregnancy. Both births were easy as were the labors. From what I hear, the older you are, the harder the pregnancy is.
My two cents on getting PG later in life:

I had my first at 38 and my second at 41. I conceived both naturally and easily ... However, I KNOW now that I am among the exceptions, not the rule. I did have one blighted ovum between the two. ALL doctors put "AMA" on my paperwork ... it means "Advanced Maternal Age" and they all told me repeatedly of possible problems 'due to age' that might arise. I was lucky and blessed. Everything went well from conception to birth.

Both births were C-sections - 1st one, I never dilated past 5cm. no choice. 2nd one planned C-section due to age, gestational diabetes and previous c-section. My first PG was interesting and fun ... the second was harder than the first. My guess is its because I was older AND I was chasing a 3 year old.

While trying to get PG with child two (it took 11 months) I frequented another message board for women over 35 who were trying to conceive ... I was blown away by the difficulties many of these women were enduring. Some had been members of the support board for 4+ years, had done advanced fertility treatments to no avail ... many had miscarriages early on only to start the frustrating process again. Some women, sadly gave up their attempts (too costly, too hard, too sad ... or simple acceptance that is wasn't going to happen.)

My husband and I love our children dearly, but I have found myself telling people on MORE than one occasion that I wish I had started earlier. In my humble opinion the best time to start having children is between 28 -32. By 28 you have more patience and maturity to deal with the realities of children. Pregnancy issues are easier and you have more energy. I am almost 46 with a 7year old and a 3 year old. Yes, I have a lot patience ... but not as quite as much energy as a younger Mom might. Plus, I worry about my children a bit more, probably because I'm more aware of mortality - sad but true, it comes with age. And Lastly, my father-law just died last week and my Dad died last year only one my boys will likely remember a Grandfather.

So, I hope this note isn't depressing. It's not meant to be. I just want to add more food for thought - it "might' not be as easy as you think ... waiting until you get older, I mean. Getting older carries a whole different set of difficulties and life issues.

On another note, after reading your last post, Doglover (of more details), I think you should maybe wait a little while ... mainly, because I REALLY get the feeling you are not ready and may never be. Too be frank, I'm not sure if anyone is ever REALLY READY - even if they THINK they are. I wasn't, but I CHOSE to jump out of the plane anyway and HOPED my parachute would open. I did and I love the free fall.

I can repeat this - with your educational levels, your mutual respect for one another, your good friendship and adventurous sprits - the two of you are starting with the card HIGHLY stacked in your favor.

Last edited by AlleyTD; 11-20-2007 at 05:26 PM..
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Old 11-21-2007, 02:43 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,399 posts, read 16,006,908 times
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Honestly, if you're not 100% ready for children, then you shouldn't have them IMO. Though granted, I'm biased- I almost had an aneurysm when I read that your husband would not consider adoption. If a man ever told the that, it would be about 5 seconds before he would go flying out my door, no matter what stage of the relationship I was at.

I don't think being around children will necessarily help you at all. I've never been around children at all- my brother and I were within 18 months apart (so I don't really remember him as an infant or remember ever seeing him as really younger than me), I lived too far away from cousins to ever meet them, and I always hung out with much older people. Yet, I've always had a strong drive to have children. On the contrary, my cousin is now 43, has ALWAYS been around children, and she has never once thought of having any of her own. If you don't want kids, you don't want kids... no amount of being around them will change it if that's how you really feel.

I also do know some people who truly regret having children. Not that they would ever say it to their children's faces and not that they treat them any differently, but there are women that feel this way. It's just not socially acceptable to admit it. My college advisor once told me that while she loves her surprise child, she regrets having him because she had to give up all of her life's work and ambition and just settle being a professor because she couldn't run a baby all around the world in a different location every few weeks. That doesn't mean she loves her son any less, but she wasn't ready to have him when she did and she might regret that all of her life. I think she and other people I know who feel similarly are definitely in the minority, but it's not unheard of. If you feel that there's more in your life that you want to accomplish that would be impossible with a child (which is what it sounds like to me), then wait. If your husband can't accept that, then that's a bridge you'll have to cross. There's not really a compromise in this situation (except for fostering... which is seems like if he wouldn't adopt then he certainly wouldn't foster).
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Old 11-21-2007, 09:21 AM
 
768 posts, read 1,890,377 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roselvr View Post
I wonder that if you went to whatever doctor you needed to (to fnd this out) that it may help your decision
Just to let you know what my experience was, seeing a dr ahead of time really can't reveal anything. They can't predict who will have trouble getting pg, who will have trouble carrying to term, etc. There are tests that can be done to tell if you have physical problems like blockages or such, but usually drs won't order those tests unless they think there is a problem.

Charolastra, did you adopt or are you adopted? (You said you almost had an aneurysm when reading that doglover's husband would not consider adoption.) For doglover's purposes, her husband's stance on adoption might be a good thing because that means he isn't willing to consider any means possible to be a parent. To me that says that there might be room for negotiation with him if doglover realizes that she doesn't want children after all. (Plus, it's not an unheard-of sentiment. I know someone whose husband has refused to consider adoption. It was either their own biological child or none at all, so it will be none because of infertility issues.)

Doglover, I hope you are able to have a frank and open discussion with your h about this. After years of being married I realized that our common goal of having children would not be achieved biologically and that I needed to have a talk with my h about our future. I totally gave him an out if he wanted to have biological children, so that he could find someone else who shared that goal. And because I wasn't sure at the time if I would every be ready for adoption (long story there, please don't read anything into that, charolastra), I told him that I may not ever be ready to go through that process and be a parent that way. It was startling to realize that we could actually divorce over children (or lack of) even though we felt we had a good relationship, but I felt I had to give him that choice. Seriously, he didn't put that much thought into it because he didn't even seem to pause before he said, "Okay." Okay what? "Okay, then we won't have kids." Here I'd thought it was an earthshattering issue that could end our marriage, and he was like, "Okay." (I'll spare you the agony I'd gone through in my mind contemplating that discussion, how to broach it, etc.) So, while you think he might want kids that strongly, you might be surprised at his response. I know I was with my husband. The important thing is to be honest, both with yourself and with him.
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Old 11-21-2007, 10:20 AM
 
Location: Boise / Eagle, Idaho
306 posts, read 1,100,766 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnyDayNow View Post
....After years of being married I realized that our common goal of having children would not be achieved biologically and that I needed to have a talk with my h about our future. I totally gave him an out if he wanted to have biological children, so that he could find someone else who shared that goal. And because I wasn't sure at the time if I would every be ready for adoption (long story there, please don't read anything into that, charolastra), I told him that I may not ever be ready to go through that process and be a parent that way. It was startling to realize that we could actually divorce over children (or lack of) even though we felt we had a good relationship, but I felt I had to give him that choice. Seriously, he didn't put that much thought into it because he didn't even seem to pause before he said, "Okay." Okay what? "Okay, then we won't have kids." Here I'd thought it was an earthshattering issue that could end our marriage, and he was like, "Okay." (I'll spare you the agony I'd gone through in my mind contemplating that discussion, how to broach it, etc.) So, while you think he might want kids that strongly, you might be surprised at his response. I know I was with my husband. The important thing is to be honest, both with yourself and with him.
It's true. He might not care as much as you are worried about - so talk long and hard.

On flip side of all my other posts. A dear friend of mine got married at age 34. She always assumed she would have children and so did her husband. However, she had really, really bad issues with fibroids and within 1 year of their marriage, she required a hysterectomy which of course meant she would never have biological children.

She did not want children enough to adopt, for the simple sake of parenting. She was someone who wanted to experience pregnancy and birth - the whole kit and caboodle. When her fertility was lost via surgery, she was OK with what happened. Her biggest guilt was for her new husband.

He was young and could have children. She too, gave him and easy out ... saying she would understand, it was OK if he wanted to leave, she wanted him to be happy and if he needed children, they would be friends, blah, blah, blah ... it was all heartfelt and honest - not teary and guiltridden.

He never skipped a beat and told her that he married HER because he loved her, not just her baby making abilities.
If she couldn't have children, well then he guessed he wasn't going to have any either ... and that was just fine with him. She wasn't getting rid of him that easy he joked ... He was in it for life - even if that meant being childfree.

They've now been married 9 years - And Yes, they are very happy. This may not be the case for your husband (his dad drive may be bigger) but you never know .... until the thought of losing you is on the table. From everything you've written ... my guess is he too is in it for the long haul.
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Old 11-21-2007, 11:03 AM
 
Location: CA
2,464 posts, read 5,688,478 times
Reputation: 2587
AlleyTD - I was trying to give you some reps for your thoughtful post but... I have to "spread it around" - you know how it is...
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Old 11-21-2007, 12:11 PM
 
Location: Boise / Eagle, Idaho
306 posts, read 1,100,766 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mommabear2 View Post
AlleyTD - I was trying to give you some reps for your thoughtful post but... I have to "spread it around" - you know how it is...
Aww ... thanks Momma Bear.
I do know how it is.
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Old 11-21-2007, 12:16 PM
 
Location: southern california
55,237 posts, read 72,437,255 times
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well you cannt say he sprung it on you and he cannt say you did not make him aware of it b4 the marriage. adoption?

Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 11-21-2007 at 12:16 PM.. Reason: typo
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Old 11-21-2007, 04:21 PM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,034,537 times
Reputation: 2249
Back again.

I agree with all the pp's who've said that if you don't feel that you are ready or want to have children, then you shouldn't. It's unfair to everyone INCLUDING YOU!

I am one of those women who got married later & started TTC at age 39. I went through 7 IVF cycles at a cost of about 70k. We are pregnant now, thank God, but not before a lot of emotional, medical and physical ups & downs and major financial stress. We were ready to move forward to adoption when I got finally got pregnant. As you can see, DH and I desperately wanted children - who goes to the lengths we did unless you really want children?

As for being around other people's kids...well, my feeling is that being around other people's children will make you run in the opposite direction, melt & yearn to be a mom or not change your current thinking at all. I can't really say because all of my generation of friends is already on their 2nd or 3rd child or just about ready to put their kids in college so I've been around kids for what seems forever (but I never felt a yankering to take care of them!).

You've mapped out some pretty significant reasons for NOT getting pg, especially at this time. You really do need to sit down with your husband and have a heart-to-heart about this - bring up all the points you've just laid out for us. We can keep writing you our thoughts and opinions until the cows come home but what really matters is what is said between you & your husband.

I hope you & your husband find peace in whatever decisions you come to. You sound like a very contemplative person who obviously will not take parenthood lightly. All children should be lucky to have a parent who has put this much thought into bringing another life into this world.

What I'm about to write really has nothing to do with doglover. Just wanted to make a couple of observations. Adoption has been mentioned as a possible solution by some posters. IMHO, as someone who started the adoption process, it's NOT an option in this case. Adoptive children deserve parents who want to nurture and parent them. Not wanting biological children or not being ready isn't a cue to go adopt or the solution here.

Last edited by Sampaguita; 11-21-2007 at 04:29 PM.. Reason: about adoption
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Old 11-21-2007, 05:37 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,206 posts, read 20,221,533 times
Reputation: 6302
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnyDayNow View Post
Just to let you know what my experience was, seeing a dr ahead of time really can't reveal anything. They can't predict who will have trouble getting pg, who will have trouble carrying to term, etc. There are tests that can be done to tell if you have physical problems like blockages or such, but usually drs won't order those tests unless they think there is a problem.
I wasn't sure.
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