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Old 12-01-2007, 10:30 PM
 
Location: Weston, FL and Vero Beach, Fl
2,945 posts, read 11,943,181 times
Reputation: 2057

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Yes I have quite a few thoughts on this topic. You really needed to have this conversation with your husband before you got married. I can really realty to your situation. I never wanted children and several men who were interested in marrying me wanted families and were more interested in having children than they were in me - strange but true. That was many years ago. I wanted a man who wanted me and where our love for one a other was enough. Well I found that man. I have never regreted not having children.

My advice to you is this - if you feel strongly about this do not give in and have a child just to please him or think you will feel differently. It will be the biggest mistake if you feel as strongly as you do. You do need to have a very honest conversation with your husband about this.
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Old 12-02-2007, 06:54 AM
 
Location: Boise / Eagle, Idaho
306 posts, read 1,100,935 times
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Well ... clearly you and I will simply have to agree to disagree. However, I do want to address certain parts of your response.

Quote:
... In my estimation you were never childfree just childless. Someone who REALLY doesn't want kids isn't going to change their mind just because they got pregnant.
I assume you are talking about abortion ... ie, If I got pregnant and I was "truly childfree" I would of done that. Well, I'm sad to admit, been there and done that. I was childfree and unmarried BY CHOICE until I was 38. I'd had proposals and pregnancies prior to a life changing homide in the family at the age of 36. Unexpected events can change your heart - i lived it and know this to be true.

Quote:
... At least with a car, you can sell it if you decide you do not like it. The law frowns on this sort of thing in regards to children.
... Just as you (generic you) have no idea that you WOULDN'T resent the child. Kids deserve the chance to live with parents that truly want them and not have parents that were talked into it by the other parent ... Do you REALLY think someone should have a child when ambivalent? What if the repulsion part won out and the kids was here?
A child should not be compared to a car. Now THAT is just ridiculous. Their child would have a very loving owner - It's FATHER - regardless of her wish to return the car (child) which would be highly doubtful, considering their love and intellect level.

She never SAID she doesn't want a child, she said she doesn't want one NOW and that she is AFRAID of pregnancy - NOT that she doesn't want to be a mother. Wanting to be childfree versus being afraid of pregnancy are two totally different issues. She also said she can't imagine NEVER having children with this man - even if they are adopted. I do think in this circumstance someone who is scared should have faith. If everyone avoided things they were afraid of we'd all be living under rocks.

For the record, most of my friends are childfree. Most by choice, some by timing.
None of us is better, we are just different.
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Old 12-02-2007, 07:29 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 7,866,399 times
Reputation: 1811
I haven't read all the other posts, but here's my input.

If one of you truly doesn't want children, then your marriage will no doubt suffer. The desire to be a parent is pretty strong and from what I have seen with men, they usually end up having a child one way or another. What I have seen happen more than once, is the man gets into his 40's and then either leaves his wife for a younger woman, or he has an affair and she ends up pregnant.

My friend told her husband when they married that she wanted to wait until she was 30 to have children. When she turned 30, she came to the realization that she didn't want to HAVE children EVER. They are now divorced, even though he said he understood and it was okay. In her case, she LOVES all her nieces and nephews and even babysits for them on occasion. She is now dating seriously a man that has children, and she is fine with it. She just never wanted to be pregnant, give birth or take full time care of a baby that would not allow her time to herself.

I personally don't like being pregnant one bit, nor do I look forward to another bad labor experience and I did not breast feed. What I cherish is seeing my child grow and develop, their total amazement at seeing something new for the first time, and knowing I had everything to do with creating this wonderful little person. I can't wait to see how he turns out when he grows up.
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Old 12-02-2007, 11:08 AM
 
662 posts, read 5,152,583 times
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I definitely haven't reached the point where I can say that I don't want children ever. All I can say is that I'm in my early 30's and I have never wanted children and don't right now. Will I be ready to have kids in a couple of years? Maybe, maybe not. What if in a couple of years I'm not ready but my husband absolutely 100% is? Then I will give in and either have biological kids or we will adopt.

The other thing is that I'm very open to the possibility that I've never felt any maternal longings because I have no idea what children are all about. I haven't held a baby in 20 years. We live in an apartment in the city where I rarely see kids. I'm an only child and my husband's siblings do not have children, so we don't have any nieces or nephews. I have no pregnant friends or friends with kids. So as you can see, I am never around kids, and I really don't know what parenthood is all about. But I am very open to the idea that once I'm around kids, maybe I'll feel strongly about wanting to be a parent. I'm willing to give it a try for my husband. I've agreed to actively research this with him.

We still don't understand why people are so quick to divorce over something like this. He told me point blank that our marriage is more important than having kids, and that if we don't end up with kids, then he will accept that. But I am more than willing to give in and have kids for him even if I'm not ready. I figure there's a good chance that I will end up being completely in love with my child, even if I don't like children in general.

And as for why we didn't discuss this before marriage--honestly, we never talked about it at all. He didn't bring it up and I didn't think to. I just assumed that as I got older I'd want kids. It never seemed like an issue. My parents certainly never mentioned it or urged me to start thinking about it--they never bugged me to start having grandkids for them. So it just always seemed like something that was so far away--until I turned 30. Then I realized that I never had any desire for children or maternal longings.

My fear of being pregnant and delivery is also a major factor playing into this--I have a very strong fear--more accurate to say I'm terrified--of both pregnancy and delivery (mainly pregnancy though), and I am not sure I can ever get over this. There are several reasons for this fear, but the big one is that due to a couple of health issues, I think I would have a very uncomfortable pregnancy, and quite likely longlasting physical damage from it. I haven't discussed this with a doctor but I believe that these health issues would be exacerbated by a pregnancy, and I personally am not willing to take that risk, because I am not desperate to be a mother, though my husband is willing for me to take those risks, because he is desperate to be a father.

At the same time, my husband has already agreed to go part-time and take care of the kid/s/ so that we won't need a full-time nanny, as I want to work full-time.
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Old 12-02-2007, 01:59 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 7,866,399 times
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I would certainly encourage you to discuss your health concerns with a doctor before agreeing to have biological children. I think it's wonderful that you would be willing to give your husband the biological children that he wants, however it wouldn't be him with the possible longlasting or permanent damage. If these are things that could possibly affect the health of the baby or your life, than in my opinion, you certainly wouldn't be out of line to say no.

This is just my two cents, but men REALLY have no idea what it feels like to be a woman and what we have to go through physically. For him to be willing for you to take health risks to have children, well that really isn't his place to say IMO.
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Old 12-02-2007, 03:58 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,217 posts, read 20,231,422 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
We still don't understand why people are so quick to divorce over something like this. He told me point blank that our marriage is more important than having kids, and that if we don't end up with kids, then he will accept that. But I am more than willing to give in and have kids for him even if I'm not ready. I figure there's a good chance that I will end up being completely in love with my child, even if I don't like children in general.
For the couples I've known, it was a problem. When one wants a child, from what I've seen, it's not something that's debatable. One gets resentful. When you know that you want to be a mother, the feelings can get very strong. You start seeing babies and yearning to hold your own. It gets so hard wanting one, that the thought of living without that child is too much.


Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
I definitely haven't reached the point where I can say that I don't want children ever. All I can say is that I'm in my early 30's and I have never wanted children and don't right now. Will I be ready to have kids in a couple of years? Maybe, maybe not. What if in a couple of years I'm not ready but my husband absolutely 100% is? Then I will give in and either have biological kids or we will adopt.

The difference that I am seeing in your posts.. and I am reading them, is that you are not sure that you never want a child and love your husband so much that you are willing to do this. It sounds like you have a strong marriage, you have a lot of love for your husband and I wouldn't doubt that having a child will bring the two of you closer together.. seal that love.

I know you are scared of giving birth. Heck, at some point most of us are. By the time they put that tiny little baby in your arms after delivery, you've forgotten all about the birth.

I wish there was some way that you can be around children.. although even that isn't enough to prepare you for how you will feel about your own.
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Old 12-02-2007, 04:12 PM
 
3,107 posts, read 8,036,048 times
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The fact that you and your husband have had a heart-to-heart and come to an understanding is significant. Doesn't matter what anyone else here thinks.

I also think that seeking advice from your doctor/ob-gyn might help allay some fears that may be founded on YOUR idea of how a pregnancy might effect your health. Who knows? Your fears/phobias may be for nothing but you won't know until you talk to a medical expert.
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Old 12-02-2007, 05:08 PM
 
Location: NE Florida
9,362 posts, read 22,349,711 times
Reputation: 9263
I know that therapy was suggested to you in your fear of pregnancy thread. And I think it would be a good idea. You have another thread about not being able to make friends. I think you would get a lot out of therapy. Learn a lot about what makes you tick, how where you came from influences where you are and where you are going. And most importantly, can help you get to where you want to be (having a life rich with friends, confronting your fear of pregnancy, working on resolving whether to have kids by adoption so that decisions made now do not create resentment witin your marriage.)
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Old 12-05-2007, 10:58 AM
 
1,727 posts, read 1,357,165 times
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Hi, It's me from the VA et al. boards. You sound exactly like me when I was *about* your age. I had never really understood the draw. Everyone would go on and on about these little phrases their kids were saying and I was like "blah!". I did have these intense feelings about my animals and so I would think "hmm, I wonder if their feelings about these children are anything like my feelings about my dog". [Incidentally, few people appreciated my intense feelings for my dog, but that's another story].

I was also a mega-workaholic.

I would say that my husband sort of pushed me to get pregnant, and more than anything I had to overcome my fear of the physical aspects of pregnancy (I covered this in another thread). But then it all came together. In fact, I quit my job and became this ultimate school volunteer, cookie baking, googly eyed parent. [This is lucky because my husband had the opposite approach - he sort of wanted a son rather than a girlie girl and didn't quite bond with her]. A year earlier (age 30), I didn't feel the slightest bit ready, had a pregnancy scare and was extremely miserable. So something magically changed in a short period of time.

In any case, I'm kind of giving you a scenario for the possibility of changing your mind, rather than for really negotiating the possibility of never having kids. That's also your perogative, but I do know a lot of professional women friends who had no interest at 30, and then in 2 or 5 years, wanted kids more than anything.



Quote:
Originally Posted by doglover29 View Post
What do you do when one spouse wants kids and the other doesn't? My husband and I are in our late 20's/early 30's and have been married several years, and been together for 7. My husband wants kids and I do not. I've never had the desire to have kids, but when we were dating it never was an issue b/c I was in my early 20's then, and I figured by the time I turned 30 my feelings about having children would change. However, they haven't and now that the clock is starting to tick it's becoming an issue. My husband wants to start having kids soon, and I am nowhere near ready. I would prefer to wait another 5 years before revisiting the issue, and then see how I feel in terms of readiness. I'm also very open about the idea of adoption, but he is very insistent about having biological kids.

My reasons for not wanting to have kids are several. One is that I have never felt the "baby itch" and have never desired to have kids. I don't feel that my life is incomplete without children, and I feel strongly that one can be fulfilled without kids. Also, I don't want to give up my career and want to work full-time, so since my husband also wants to work full-time we would need a nanny. Furthermore, I just don't feel ready psychologically to have kids. And I also have no desire to go through pregnancy and childbirth, nor do I have any interest in breastfeeding. And last, I just have very little experience with children. I was an only child, and the last time I was around little kids was about 20 years ago when my cousins were young children. I don't have any pregnant friends or friends with kids, so I'm never around kids. And I guess overall I just don't feel any maternal feelings. I thought they would have been there by now but they're not.

I don't know what to do. This is a huge issue not to be on the same page about. One of us has to give in. Either I give in and have kids, and have them before I want them/am ready for them or he gives in and doesn't have kids and feels resentful about that. He understands that since neither one of us is willing to stay home we need to have a nanny, and he's ok with that.

Anyone in a similar situation or have any thoughts?
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Old 12-05-2007, 11:17 AM
 
4,610 posts, read 10,037,158 times
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Well I want one and my husband doesn't. We can't help we feel. But I really want one and he is slowly coming around. We discuss it and he knows I'm not on any birth control and I'm getting ovulation kits and stuff like that. He knows. He thinks it's kinda cute. But I'm serious about it and even though he isn't trying to get me pregnant he said he would be the best father if it came down to it. So I'm trying as hard as I can without going into to much details!!!!

I also was afraid to ever be pregnant. I was afraid of the weight gain, the pain while pregnant, the delivery and the breast feeding. But no more, now I see pregnant women and I think how beautiful they are. How lucky they are.
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