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Old 12-05-2007, 11:37 AM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 7,860,155 times
Reputation: 1811

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roma View Post
I also was afraid to ever be pregnant. I was afraid of the weight gain, the pain while pregnant, the delivery and the breast feeding. But no more, now I see pregnant women and I think how beautiful they are. How lucky they are.
Having been pregnany and also currently, when I see someone really big, I can't help but feel bad for her because I know how uncomfortable she is.
Believe me, once you're that big, all you want is to go into labor so you can it OUT!!
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:04 PM
 
1 posts, read 3,519 times
Reputation: 10
Default I am in exactly same situation maybe worseÖ.

I am in exactly same situation maybe worse…. I thought I was the only one. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We discussed this before we got married and he knew I didn’t want to have a kid and agreed not to have kids.I believe marriage offers many things such as love, friendship, companionship, and the security of having someone each other for the life time. Married life is fulfilling in itself. I think having kids is not the only reason to get married. People who can’t have kids still get married. I believe husband and wife need not always become father and mother. Becoming a couple was family enough for me. Some people want to add kids to their lives, and some don't. Those who decide not to, also have a same opportunity to live a fulfilled life. However, my husband has changed his mind and wants to have kids now or wants to divorce over me. I work for full-time and he is a grad student. I worked very hard to get my master’s degree and finally got a decent job about 2 years ago. I have never thought of having a kid in my life. He always wanted to have kids but he thought I would change my mind as time goes on. That’s why he got married to me but I don’t think I will change my mind ever. We are both over 35 years old. If I change my mind, it would be really challenging to have a kid at my age. His parents also insist that I should divorce if I don’t want to have kids saying he is the only son in his family and I was trying to destroy their family name. They think I am abnormal saying all women born to be a mother and should become one. They were really mean to me even accused my parents as they did not persuade me to have a kid. They said I should not have married to him if I would not have a kid. Originally we are from Asia and immigrated when we were kids. Anyways, I still love him and don't want to divorce but can't change my mind to have kids. BTW, he wants a son, so we have to keep trying until we have a son. I am the one who works and pay bills… he still have long way to go to finish his school. I don’t know who can take care of the baby after all. All of them saying I could take maternity leave and come back to work so no need to worry about my career. We live in a small one bed room apt where I used to live when I was at school 4 years ago. With only one person’s income, we cannot even afford to move to two bedrooms apt.

Last edited by marriageandkid; 12-18-2007 at 04:27 PM..
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Old 12-18-2007, 04:35 PM
 
Location: NJ
9,164 posts, read 20,195,772 times
Reputation: 6215
I'm sorry..

You sound like you have a level head and are being realistic, especially with one income & one bedroom. Who will pay for child care and a 2 bedroom apartment? From what I understand some states have laws about living in a 1 bedroom with kids up until a certain age. You might want to look into it.

If you do decide to give him at least one child, he'd also have to bend (in my book anyway) and give up school to get a job that will pay him a decent salary. So far DirecTV has been good to my son. He's doing pretty well for a 22 year old college drop out.

I'm sorry his parents are against you. I know this hurts.

Good luck

Quote:
Originally Posted by marriageandkid View Post
I am in exactly same situation maybe worseÖ. I thought I was the only one. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We discussed this before we got married and he knew I didnít want to have a kid and agreed not to have kids.I believe marriage offers many things such as love, friendship, companionship, and the security of having someone each other for the life time. Married life is fulfilling in itself. I think having kids is not the only reason to get married. People who canít have kids still get married. I believe husband and wife need not always become father and mother. Becoming a couple was family enough for me. Some people want to add kids to their lives, and some don't. Those who decide not to, also have a same opportunity to live a fulfilled life. However, my husband has changed his mind and wants to have kids now or wants to divorce over me. I work for full-time and he is a grad student. I worked very hard to get my masterís degree and finally got a decent job about 2 years ago. I have never thought of having a kid in my life. He always wanted to have kids but he thought I would change my mind as time goes on. Thatís why he got married to me but I donít think I will change my mind ever. We are both over 35 years old. If I change my mind, it would be really challenging to have a kid at my age. His parents also insist that I should divorce if I donít want to have kids saying he is the only son in his family and I was trying to destroy their family name. They think I am abnormal saying all women born to be a mother and should become one. They were really mean to me even accused my parents as they did not persuade me to have a kid. They said I should not have married to him if I would not have a kid. Originally we are from Asia and immigrated when we were kids. Anyways, I still love him and don't want to divorce but can't change my mind to have kids. BTW, he wants a son, so we have to keep trying until we have a son. I am the one who works and pay billsÖ he still have long way to go to finish his school. I donít know who can take care of the baby after all. All of them saying I could take maternity leave and come back to work so no need to worry about my career. We live in a small one bed room apt where I used to live when I was at school 4 years ago. With only one personís income, we cannot even afford to move to two bedrooms apt.
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Old 12-18-2007, 08:02 PM
 
Location: Tampa baby!!
3,258 posts, read 7,860,155 times
Reputation: 1811
Quote:
Originally Posted by marriageandkid View Post
His parents also insist that I should divorce if I donít want to have kids saying he is the only son in his family and I was trying to destroy their family name. They think I am abnormal saying all women born to be a mother and should become one. They were really mean to me even accused my parents as they did not persuade me to have a kid. They said I should not have married to him if I would not have a kid. Originally we are from Asia and immigrated when we were kids.
No doubt some of their beliefs are cultural, but that doesn't mean you don't have to do what is right for you in the end, not just to please his family. If you did decide to have children to "carry on" the family name, I think most people would feel pressured by that. However, as the previous poster said, he should also be willing to sacrifice. I bet his family hasn't suggested he stop going to school to help bring in money and take care of the children right? Again part of it is cultural, as far as thinking a woman should always want children and also thinking that the man has more rights in the relationship than the woman. The SON is MOST important. Just like a man divorcing his wife because all she seems to have is girls, but HELLO, it is the man that provides the chromosome that decides!!

Just stay strong, it's your life too. And what would happen to him if you divorced? Is he going to move back in with mom and dad until he can finish school?
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:10 AM
 
Location: Arizona
26 posts, read 74,241 times
Reputation: 40
For "Marriageandkid," please, please don't have a baby you don't want just to please your husband and his family. My ex and I divorced in part over this issue (there were other problems, but I'd told him I didn't want kids and he thought I'd change my mind). There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for not wanting to be a mother. Thousands of perfectly normal, sane, happy women feel the same way, so don't let anyone convince you that that you're "abnormal" for not wanting children.
This is just my experience, but I have no regrets at choosing to be childfree (and I'm almost 50) and no regrets about not giving in to what my ex-husband wanted. I'm not cut out to be a mother and don't want to be one, and that's not the kind of parent a child needs.
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Old 12-19-2007, 07:23 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
919 posts, read 2,857,604 times
Reputation: 251
Please do not have children if your partner doesn't want one...It is a horrible for a child to grow up not wanted by one of its parents or in some cases both, its scares you for life
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Old 12-19-2007, 08:03 AM
 
12,842 posts, read 24,468,229 times
Reputation: 18835
I echo the "don't have a child if you don't want to be a parent." And this focus on a son and the oh-so-critical "Family line" is so archaic, it hurts to think of it. And of course, what if you "only" have a girl(s)? What if you divorce after having kids and you're a single parent when you didn't want to be a parent at all? How on earth can someone think of "giving him a child?" It's not a box of chocolates, for heaven's sake, it's an 18+-year process that takes the great majority of your life, resources, energy, plans and relationship. I think your idea of what marriage is for (or can be) is wonderful. If your husband can't appreciate that you married him for those wonderful reasons, maybe he's the wrong person for you.
If his parents want a child so bad, let them go produce one. Please don't do this to yourself.
I'm 54, never wanted kids, never had them, might have lost one great guy over the issue, and have never had a single twinge of regret. I didn't wanna. Just don't wanna. That's quite sufficient.
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Old 12-19-2007, 08:11 AM
 
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
919 posts, read 2,857,604 times
Reputation: 251
doglover...I wish more people had your commons sense and heart.
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Old 12-19-2007, 11:41 AM
 
Location: NJ
9,164 posts, read 20,195,772 times
Reputation: 6215
Quote:
Originally Posted by brightdoglover View Post
I echo the "don't have a child if you don't want to be a parent." And this focus on a son and the oh-so-critical "Family line" is so archaic, it hurts to think of it. And of course, what if you "only" have a girl(s)? What if you divorce after having kids and you're a single parent when you didn't want to be a parent at all? How on earth can someone think of "giving him a child?" It's not a box of chocolates, for heaven's sake, it's an 18+-year process that takes the great majority of your life, resources, energy, plans and relationship. I think your idea of what marriage is for (or can be) is wonderful. If your husband can't appreciate that you married him for those wonderful reasons, maybe he's the wrong person for you.
If his parents want a child so bad, let them go produce one. Please don't do this to yourself.
I'm 54, never wanted kids, never had them, might have lost one great guy over the issue, and have never had a single twinge of regret. I didn't wanna. Just don't wanna. That's quite sufficient.

Funny how they didn't worry about that when they "only had one son"

Really, I know someone that had 3 boys.. those 3 boys had 1 boy (1 has a girl, the other childless) that has a girl, so it appears the name will stop there unless the boy finds another wife to try for a son.

There are 8 kids in the family, 5 of which were girls. Some chose not to have kids, but there's 3 boys IIRC from those girls. Too bad they won't carry on the name.
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Old 12-19-2007, 05:09 PM
 
12,842 posts, read 24,468,229 times
Reputation: 18835
What is all this hoo-hah about "the family name?" We're not English lords, for heaven's sake. At least I'm not.
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