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I'm back once again with another problem only this time it's with my own son Andrew.
He's 5 years old and for the last couple of months he has been exhibiting really bad behavior regarding his temper. I know it's common for kids at his age to test their boundaries and to act out when they are not happy about certain things but it's gotten to the point where he is starting to get into trouble at school and I just don't want him to become a discipline case.
When he gets denied something, such as a snack right before dinner time or dessert when he didn't finish his meal, he stomps his foot and angrily exclaims that he's mad and doesn't like me. That's been happening for a little while now and he seems to get over it fairly quickly although there are some times that he becomes so upset that he goes to his bed and cries for a while before calming down. I don't interfere when he does this since I know he will be back to normal after he feels he's gotten his little anger out of his system.
Last week while he was at school (he goes to preschool) he became very agitated when he couldn't use the shovel correctly in the sand box and he became to angry that he smashed the shovel on the floor and broke it. Later the same day during indoor play time he became very impatient with a younger classmate who was using a toy he wanted and he got tired of waiting for his turn and he pushed the other child to get them to relinquish the toy he was waiting for. Although the teacher spoke to Andrew about it and reminded him that his behavior was unacceptable he doesn't show any real remorse for his actions. When she informed me about what he had done I made sure I had a talk with him about it when we got home and tried to understand why he acted the way he did but he would simply tell me that he was just mad and that he was sorry but it sounded rehearsed and not empathetic at all.
Nothing has changed at home so I can't pinpoint any changes that may have triggered this. The only thing that changed about the time that his behavior did was my girlfriend became unemployed in early July and has been a stay at home mom ever since. He's come to love her and accept her as his mother since his biological mom took off when he was about 2. She has been a part of his life for 2 years now and up until a few months ago she wasn't home that often since her work schedule kept her away from home for days at a time but now that she is home all the time perhaps it has something to do with it?
I'm really at a loss. He's a super intelligent boy that is normally very charming and social and a real sweet heart but his temper is really becoming an issue.
The only thing that changed about the time that his behavior did was my girlfriend became unemployed in early July and has been a stay at home mom ever since. He's come to love her and accept her as his mother since his biological mom took off when he was about 2. She has been a part of his life for 2 years now and up until a few months ago she wasn't home that often since her work schedule kept her away from home for days at a time but now that she is home all the time perhaps it has something to do with it?
That's a big change. Apparently it's not working out for your son as well as you think. Even though she has been in his life for 2 years, he has sort of had you all to himself for 3 years. Those days she was away for a few days at a time were day he quality time with you. He doesn't have those days and extra hours of alone time with you anymore.
You says she's a SAHM now. He is in school. When she worked, what was different about his day schedule? Where did he go after school? How many extra hours is he spending with her alone now? Even though he loves her and accepts her as his mother, her parenting style might not be jiving with his personality.
With step families, everything isn't always perfect even though it appears to be perfect. I know because I have a step family, although we never used the word step ever. My husband has been around since mine were younger than when your girlfriend entered your son's life. We've been married for over 20 years. He's the only father they ever knew, and they all love each other dearly and have great relationships, but you'll eventually realize your son is bothered by the loss of his biological mother. He has questions and issues.
As much as he loves your girlfriend, her being there doesn't resolve the fact he was abandoned by his mother. Even though he has been doing great and will do great again, the questions in his mind will continue for years. You can't just act like your girlfriend is his mother. You have to allow him to feel comfortable asking questions about his past. It's tricky because you can't sit him down and initiate the talk. You have to let him ask the questions and only answer his specific questions in an age appropriate way without answering questions he won't be ready to ask for a few more years.
I remember 5 was the age when mine first had some questions about their father that spilled out. It came up again on occasion every few years. I only revealed age appropriate answers and let them guide with their questions. The last questions were in their mid-teens when they were old enough to hear the entire story. The bad
When answering questions about his mother, it's important you don't talk negatively about his mother in his younger years because children view their parents as being part of them. Negative answers can cause they to feel badly about themselves. I didn't have much good to say about the biological father. I remember once being asked what he was like and I responded, "He could fix anything." Then I explained various things he could fix---like radios, cars---anything really, That's the best I could do with staying away from the negativity in the early years.
Why is she only your girlfriend? Why haven't you married? You making this woman the mother of your child but you haven't married her. Doesn't that seem more likely that she might abandon him too someday? How many mothers is he going to have? I'm not saying this paragraph relates to his current problems, but you really need to think about your relationship with this woman and why you haven't committed to her because your child's future stability is at stake. And maybe it is bothering him now. For example, he's now in school and he's seeing other kids with their biological mothers who share the same last name with their children. Your girlfriend doesn't. Food for thought.
OR it could have nothing to do with the girlfriend. He's only 5 so that means he has just started school. That's something new that has happened over the past two months, isn't it? He may be having problems adjusting or feel frustrated by it appearing other children are doing better in school than he is. It could be any number of things at school.
It's likely a bit of everything I mentioned. The girlfriend home all the time and stealing quality time away from you AND the fact he recently started school are two big changes in his life all and routine all at once. Add the biological mother worries into the mix, and he's got a lot on his plate right now.
Now that your GF is a SAHGF (she isn't a SAHM) has that meant changes in his schedule? Is your son staying up later or missing a nap or rest time? Does she play loud music when he is used to a quiet house? Has meal time changed, either the time or types of food? Does he have less attention from you now that your GF is at home more and not traveling "for days at a time"? Has he been left with babysitters more often so that you can go out with your GF? Does he go shopping/to the park/to school with her instead of you? Is money tighter so things that he has been used to doing (maybe going to McDonald & playing in the climbing tubes) have been cancelled or done less frequently? Is he staying more hours with your GF and spending less time in preschool with his friends? It could even be something as simple as your GF preparing meals that he is not used to eating (ethnic or spicy food instead of mac & cheese). Or it could be a combination of several things.
His change in behavior may be related to the GF being at home more but it may not be something that is obvious.
I once had a preschool age student who began to "act up" in class. It turned out that he was used to watching his favorite TV shows while sitting next to his mom on their couch. The change was that the new boyfriend now sat next to mom and he had to sit on the floor or on a chair. Although, he couldn't verbalize what was wrong so he acted up (apparently) because he felt that he was not getting the same attention from his mom. Once she realized that and made room for her son next to her on the couch (boyfriend sat on her other side or did something else) and watched his favorite shows together again he was much better.
You failed to mention there is also the GF's older son now in the mix. you talked previously about problems with him. Of course any tension in the home over anything is going to effect him and his behavior. He might be feeling jealous over the fact the GF's boy has a real Mom and he sees the difference. He might be seeing the closeness between them which he does not have with his Mother.
For example, he's now in school and he's seeing other kids with their biological mothers who share the same last name with their children. Your girlfriend doesn't. Food for thought..
You do realize there are many many families, including my own, where the mother has retained her own name while giving the husband's last name to their children. Our children have 4 names but use their father's surname. Our PhD son uses both his last names professionally, partly as a tribute to me since I did not complete my PhD studies.
My DD's teachers tell me more kids in their classes have different last names than their mother and everybody is quite used to it.
Has your son ever been in counseling to deal with his mother abandoning him?
I'm not so sure it relates to your girlfriend being at home but rather as he gets older, his intellectual capacity is growing and he is starting to notice that his biological mother is not in the picture (as compared to other children), perhaps he is becoming frustrated and lashing out with anger as he is still unable to deal with such a complex problem for such a young man. I would try and speak with a counseling professional.
Nothing has changed at home so I can't pinpoint any changes that may have triggered this. The only thing that changed about the time that his behavior did was my girlfriend became unemployed in early July and has been a stay at home mom ever since. He's come to love her and accept her as his mother since his biological mom took off when he was about 2. She has been a part of his life for 2 years now and up until a few months ago she wasn't home that often since her work schedule kept her away from home for days at a time but now that she is home all the time perhaps it has something to do with it?
This is a big change and is most likely causing his temper to act up. I suggest her going to a counseling session to help with this. If you can't, maybe you can somehow make her feel better? Has her schedule changed? Maybe with this big change her schedule has also suffered a change. I don't know about her but I get very angry if my daily routine is interupted!
I don't think the stomping his foot and exclaiming he's mad and doesn't like you is a big deal at all, I think that's when you tell him "well I love you but you're not going to get a snack". He's testing you, and going to his room is no big deal either -- he may just be a bit tired, 5 year olds may still need naps but don't get them. He's learning anger management --- I'd continue not to interfere.
It's not unusual for 5 year olds to still be working out their socialization skills, he's only 5. He's still having to learn what is acceptable and what isn't acceptable. Kids aren't always really that sorry when they apologize, they are learning that is what people want to hear though so they say it.
Since he's only 5, I think there's plenty of time to keep working with him on how to address his anger and frustration. Even 17 year olds will still sometimes get angry and frustrated. Some kids are a little more strong-willed than others and you don't want to crush their will, you just need to help them rein it in some times.
He sounds a bit like my 5 year old nephew who is living in a traditional family situation (meaning both biological parents who are married to each other). I too think it is an anger management situation of a child testing boundaries and learning to adjust to new social situations.
You do realize there are many many families, including my own, where the mother has retained her own name while giving the husband's last name to their children.
But that's different because children from those families are living with both parents.
The OP's child was abandoned by the mother at a critical age. That's the most important part of that paragraph in my post. I was pointing out that his child has been abandoned and he needs to ensure he doesn't continue to be abandoned by women he replaces/designates as his mother.
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Has her schedule changed? Maybe with this big change her schedule has also suffered a change. I don't know about her but I get very angry if my daily routine is interupted!
