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Not so easy to simply begin a new routine when school starts. Having a bedtime never hurt anyone.
OP you are moving around the world for them. You need to be sure you can live with this. There was a book or a play, I Love You, You're Perfect, Now Change. If you do not like the way things are now and don't think you can live with it if it doesn't change, I think you need to reconsider.
It's nothing against you or her. It's different ideas. Doesn't make one if you right or wrong, just different.
That said, best of luck and hope it all works out for you.
That sounds lovely, in terms of getting a routine together - the kinda thing I'd like.
There is a ton of research that shows kids are happier with routines, but your GF's kid may be the exception. Nothing is absolute. If he's happy, healthy and getting the appropriate amount of sleep, then go for it!
That said, my 2.5 year old son has a routine that we try (but don't always stick to). He wakes up at 6:15, we sing or have quiet time in his bed/ rocking chair until like 6:45, he eats and goes to daycare at 8:30, gets picked up at 12:30, eats lunch and then sleeps for ~2 hours until like 3PM (any later and he'll be awake too late). Plays until 5:30, takes a bath, eats and then plays until his bedtime routine at 8PM.
I'm sorry but if I'm going to move to another country and pay the rent ... and she is living under my roof, I have a say in certain things ............. if she had her own house, was living just her and her son - then yeah its her business I not living with her nor will I be affected by her son having a routine that is all over the place ... its not my business your right -in that case .......
Well if she can't see that if I'm going to move half way around the world to be with her she needs to realize that a child with no routine and rules, is uncontrollable ..... its no way to live in the long term and deffo not healthy for a relationship, I'm not saying the things I am because I want it to happen now - I'm looking into the future, and there is nothing wrong with that.
I mean it would become our house then, but for it to be our house surely there is nothing wrong with me telling her how I feel regarding he son being awake at 11pm making noise preventing me from sleeping or me and my girlfriend having some time to ourselves?
First. She is not your child, she is your girlfriend/partner. Even if you ARE paying all expenses once you move (how is she supporting herself now?), it is not "your roof" when it comes to her. I think you probably didn't mean that how it came out, but I couldn't let that one go by without clarifying that particular point.
Next. While I do agree with you that it's positive to encourage reducing the sugary sweets and getting out of the house as much as possible, I think you should take a long hard look at your life and your tolerance levels for children before moving halfway around the world. Even the best behaved children on the most impeccable schedules have their bad nights, their bad mornings, their bad days. Children are a huge commitment, and if you move to be with her, moving halfway around the world won't be your only sacrifice.
I don't have kids, and I'm truly undecided about whether or not I even want them. However, I see the joy that they have brought to the lives of my friends and family...but with that joy, they all admit, comes a great deal of sacrifice, especially while they're young. My friends have had date nights cut short on the way to a restaurant because of an inconsolable kid at home, sleepless nights, bodily fluids evacuated onto them that make me shudder to think about, and so on and so forth. At the same time, I see the happiness that comes from having them, and I think 3 years old in particular is a hysterically funny age. Parenting is a full-time job, point blank, period.
Before you step onto that plane to make that move, the two of you should have several long conversations of your future goals -- individually and as a family, because that's what you'll be if you move. Not just "you + her, plus her son" but "the three of you." Is the biological father involved in the picture at all?
In theory, I agree with a lot of what you're saying -- routines are good things for kids (and adults!), sugary food should be reduced, playdates with friends are great. I just worry that perhaps more (honest and neutral) conversations are needed to make sure this is really the right step for all of you.
It is hard, however the kid isn't yours nor even your responsiblity legally. Yet like you pointed it out, youre moving a great distance for her and her son, so this is something you need to be reallllllly sure you can live with her lifestyle/culture in raising her son.
what is happening with her son isn't ideal, i agree and once he starts schooling, it'll be a period of long rough adjustment since his routine/schedule have been all over the place since birth. So, it isn't a bad idea to do what you've been suggesting...and the fact she doesn't seem to take your advice or whatnot worries me. What do you think will happen once you guys start living together in one place? that's something you'll need to clarify and set in place with her before moving permanently for her.
i have a routine for my 2.5 year old son;
7:30am-wakeup/read a book
8am-Have breakfast with me
8:15am-dress/read a book/discuss our plans for the day
9am-head out for the day to run couple of errands
10:30am-hit up the park/playdate/bookstore/library
noon-lunch with mommy-return home
12:30-1pm-hang out at home/watch thomas the train
1:15pm-nap time for 90 minutes to 2 hours.
3-3-30pm-wake up from nap/snack & drink time
4pm-outside free play with dogs, walker, etc
5:30pm-6pm-dinner time with mommy/daddy
6pm-7:30pm-quality time with daddy
7:30-8pm-bathtime/book time
lights out usually by 8pm max.
everyday isn't set in stone as sometimes i have appointments, or need to take my son to his doctors/haircut/etc appointments but for majority of time, above schedule works for us well. He'll be starting pre-school next year and it's ever more important now to maintain a normal rountine now with strict bedtime for him to do well in school by next year.
Sounds like a great solution... nahh I prefer the come to a compromise, we may not agree on everything but lets talk about it and reach a compromise...... isn't that what relationships are all about?
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You're missing the point. In order to compromise, both parties must be willing. There is nothing in your original post indicating to me that your girlfriend has any desire to compromise at all. If you are going to throw ultimatums at her you are going to be very disappointed with the results.
You have a fine fantasy about how you want things to be. But you have no power other than to threaten her with your absence if she does not comply, or "compromise" in your words. Effectively you are going to blackmail her into behaving the way that YOU want her to behave.
"Those convinced against their will, are of the same opinion still".
You are only going to cause resentment and anger. Give it up.
He's not your child and you don't even live there. You really don't have the right to tell her how to raise her own kid. It is very hard to keep to a routine when your house is not also on it. However, once you actually move in together you can certainly start helping her to implement those things. If you get married and adopt the child, then you should have equal say in how he is raised. However, it is likely that you will be the driving force behind all those routines, and you won't be able to totally count on her to maintain the routines if you're not around (be it one evening, one day, or one week). That's a problem all parents have - one is never as good at keeping to the rules.
KazKazKaz...it would be pretty hard for her to follow your "routines" when you aren't there most of the times. She's right...you are putting the "pressure" on. I think you should let it go until such time as you ARE living together (the three of you), cause I think it'll be a lot easier then...with the two of you working together at the desired "routines", there would be a much greater chance of it happening...until then, I feel it's unfair of you to put those demands on her...
You could be right, I don't think she has done it on purpose but it's just turned out that way ... it suits everyone plus over there the shops open 10am - supermarkets, all the big malls open at 10am and stay open 9pm or even later every night - 7 days a week. Over here its different, in Australia and no doubt the US - shops open at 8am or 8:30am, shut at 5:30pm.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Natsku
Then it sounds like his later routine fits in with the culture there.
Natsku lives in Finland. KazKazKaz lives in Australia. The girlfriend lives in Philippines. I live in the United States.
I'd like to clarify the bolded in KazKazKaz's post in relation to cultural parenting in the context of shopping hours. In the United States, supermarkets and malls are open the same hours as in the Philippines. Our supermarkets are open 24 hours. Our malls open at 10am and close between 9pm and 10pm.
That does not mean American culture keeps children up until 11pm. Most Americans raise their children on schedules similar to KazKazKaz suggests.
What you describe is less of a cultural difference and more of social class difference. In the United States, the girlfriend's mindset you describe is more of a uneducated, lower class mentality.
Even though you are not the biological parent, your ideals on parenting are healthier parenting than what the girlfriend is doing. She is providing him with no structure, no stimulation and unhealthy food.
The schedule can't be easily changed when school starts. It needs to start sooner. Hopefully she can adapt to your healthier suggestion once she is no longer living with her family.
I wouldn't move to another country to be with someone who won't make the changes you describe.
I agree with everything you said. The schedule you suggested is about what my kids have always been on. It was important for my sanity to have some adult time in the evening. However, I don't think you mentioned what time your GF and her son get up in the morning. If she works evenings or later in the day, I can see why she would want to sleep later.
It does seem like she has him in a schedule, though. He naps at the same time every day and goes to bed at more or less the same time. It is just later than what I would want. She is fighting you on it because you are trying to make her change the way she is parenting. It is working for her. She doesn't want to change.
It will have to change when he starts school. Is in in preschool now?
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