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Old 10-30-2013, 10:58 AM
 
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Hi all. Now, before I post my question, I want to say, no, this situation is none of my business and I don't have kids of my own (late 50s). I'm just curious is all. Especially curious to see how other parents would handle the situation.

I have a friend who has two grown children. The son is 27 yo and the daughter is 22. Both kids received inheritances from various family members. The daughter was responsible, and has been able to go to college, live and have money left over. The son, on the other hand, blew all of his in a two-year period. Now, I know these parents personally and have for seveeral decades. The mom has told me that she felt that it was her responsibility as a parent to show the son love, mercy and support (WWJD type thing). He knows he made a mistake. He is living in another city and working at a low paying job that does not pay his bills. His mom says they are happy to support him however they need to, to keep him from having to live in his car and he is happy to take their money, although he does say thank you. I guess my question is, at what point do you let kids take responsibility for their own mistakes? I might add that this mom has always "rescued" her son in various and sundry times in his life. Just wondering what you guys thought.

 
Old 10-30-2013, 11:22 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,218 posts, read 100,394,202 times
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A mom like that needs desperately to be needed and seen as a "good guy" by her kid. There is likely some kind of guilt she is feeling over some issue that keeps her a prisoner to this desire.

The sad reality is, all she is really accomplishing is handicapping her adult son.

If you guys are close enough for you to attempt a gentle conversation with her on this subject - go for it. She sounds like she needs a wake-up call.

Or consider just handing her a book like this one, with no other conversation: "Emptying the Nest: Launching Your Young Adult toward Success and Self-Reliance" by Brad Sachs.

However, in all likelihood, she will not appreciate your efforts and you could lose the friendship, so be prepared for that.
 
Old 10-30-2013, 11:25 AM
 
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I got the message when I was 18 and needed to have my wisdom teeth removed. My father informed me I needed to save the amount of money for the anesthesia that wasn't cover by the insurance. It was around $300. I didn't even bat an eye. My parents had plenty of money. I knew it was his way of saying, "You're an adult now." I saved the money and had my wisdom teeth removed a month later.

If parents are still doing it for 30 year olds, they missed the boat. Unless there is illness or a disability, adult children should be supporting themselves as much as possible. After graduating college, they should be doing it almost completely on their own with the exception of perhaps needing help to move across country or some other extravagant expense before they start their careers.
 
Old 10-30-2013, 12:24 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
11,495 posts, read 26,761,282 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopes View Post
I got the message when I was 18 and needed to have my wisdom teeth removed. My father informed me I needed to save the amount of money for the anesthesia that wasn't cover by the insurance. It was around $300. I didn't even bat an eye. My parents had plenty of money. I knew it was his way of saying, "You're an adult now." I saved the money and had my wisdom teeth removed a month later.
My parents did the same thing to me when I was 16. They also made me rebuild the fences in their back yard if I wanted to stay home from school while recovering from having my wisdom teeth out.


I got married at 18, mainly because I couldn't stand to live in my parents' home anymore, for a variety of reasons. My mother grossly exaggerated the amount of support she gave me and my new husband (not a dime, but she made it sound like she was putting a roof over our heads and food in our bellies). Her friends used to come up to me in stores and just randomly start shaming me and my husband about mooching off of my mom, to the extent that we had to move across town so we felt like we could go out in public together.

Karma has caught up with my mom now...she's had to retire from work early to care for my father who has dementia, and she's supporting my 24-year-old sister and my sister's live-in boyfriend while my sister is in graduate school. My sister always calls me when she needs extra money from mom, because she's embarassed, and I'm always happy to call up my mom and pass along my sister's request.
 
Old 10-30-2013, 12:26 PM
 
43,011 posts, read 107,722,952 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
I got married at 18, mainly because I couldn't stand to live in my parents' home anymore, for a variety of reasons.
There's something to be said for making life so miserable children want to move out and be independent. LOL My parents weren't mean. Not by a long shot. But they had a crazy idea that I wasn't allowed out on school nights when I was in college. That's why I got married to get out of the house.
 
Old 10-30-2013, 12:52 PM
 
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I figured that she was being a little excessive in the "helping the child" department. And as far as guilt, I know exactly where it came from. Her husband never wanted children. As a matter of fact, I bumped into her at the doctor's office when she came out after her exam and told me she was pregnant. Then she told me she had no idea how she was going to tell her husband. I think it went downhill from there. Of course, I'm sure the father loves him, but you guys get my drift. The hubs is a very hands off, unemotional type. His nickname is Mr. Spock, lol. Anyway, I think she was and is still trying to make up for that.
 
Old 10-30-2013, 12:54 PM
 
Location: Chapel Hill, N.C.
36,499 posts, read 53,850,010 times
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Not too long ago there was a post on CD about a woman who was upset to learn that her elderly mother was still supporting her 52 year old brother because "he had some tough knocks along the way". Older woman was even sending this man's kids through college and buying them cars while not giving the sister's kids a single dime.

Where does this kind of mooching end?

We helped our son with free rental in investment apartment while he was getting his PhD but I knew it would eventually end. Any kid who runs through an inheritance has nobody to blame but himself. What incentive does he have to be independant?
 
Old 10-30-2013, 12:59 PM
 
25,408 posts, read 9,704,503 times
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Thank you everyone for your replies. So I'm not as cold-hearted as I thought I was! LOL> Anyway, I think adult children mooching off their parents has become epidemic these days. It's not good for the parent OR the kids. My stepmother's kids (closing in on 40) still can't turn around without their mama. Sad really.
 
Old 10-30-2013, 02:04 PM
 
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Mom is hurting her son by not raising him to take responsibility for his choices and live with the consequences. She's enabling him. I'm sure she means well but ultimately this will do him way more harm than good.

Then someday he will marry someone who's smart and capable and hardworking, and he will run her and the marriage into the ground by taking and taking and taking because that's all he knows how to do. It will get worse after they have childrenm because he will still do nothing and her workload will go through the roof.

Ultimately, she will leave him because of it, and he will sit there all stunned and confused about what has happened.

Ask me how I know this. :-/
 
Old 10-31-2013, 07:16 AM
 
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Mselainey, I couldn't agree more! It's a shame, but he'll be clueless.
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