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My dd 16, has a paying job. She works fast food 2 nights/week, and has just recently started receiving regular paychecks.
We have paid for orthodontic care since she was ~5, which has amounted to literally thousands in out-of-pocket expenses. She recently had the braces removed, and was fitted with a retainer. Although she was told to use it nightly or her teeth could "backslide", she often forgets to use it. She lost it a few days ago, and we think it went out with the trash. She was careless with it, although we told her to keep it in a safe place, etc.
Replacement will cost $175, that's OUR expense, not the insurance. I told her we would consider it fair if she pay $50 towards the cost. she actually became hostile, and said that's HER money, and its OUR responsibility to pay her medical, dental, etc, etc. Hey, we're under no obligation to provide her with anything beyond basic dental care, we do NOT owe her all the orthodontia care we've provided over the years. I told her I felt we were being quite fair asking she pay $50, that's less than 1/3 of the total cost. Instead she said she would just rather not continue with ortho. Ok, fine with me, we've done more than most parents would have, anyways. BTW, we continued to pay for ortho through unemployment, layoffs, etc.....and it was us, her parents, who went without optional niceties so we could continue to provide the basics for the kids. that's what parental responsibility is about, as far as we're concerned. However, we feel we should draw the line somewhere.
So, opinions? Oh, please, don't bother to dig up old posts, I know what I've written, I wrote it! I just want to know what others would feel/do? I really hate to see her come to the end of her long haul with ortho to blow it off at the end like this, but, well, her choice. Like I said, she doesn't use the retainer like she's supposed to, anyways. Perhaps we've come to the end of what we, as parents, can do for her teeth, anyways. She has to accept some responsibility, sometime. I understand the worse that will happen is, her teeth will backslide somewhat. There's no way they could ever be as bad as they were when we started, so, we've given her that much. As time, life goes on, if she's not pleased with her teeth she always has the option to seek and pay for dental care on her own.
She keeps telling me she's not a child anymore, well, let her see what being an adult is all about! Funny, one of her comebacks at me is, oh, grow up! Ummmm.......I am "grown up". Let's now see how she handles the adult world, its not as pretty as she thought!
Oh, also, today, ds stole my cell phone, again. Why doesn't he have his own phone? Who says he's owed a phone? When we had him on our plan, he ran up $200+ in games, etc, that we were stuck with. We now told him he could have a basic, Jitterbug type for security, etc, that we would pay for, but if he wants one with all the bells and whistles, well, he pays for it. BTW, he doesn't have a job, although he truly has been looking, but that's another issue.
And yes, these are the kids who kept calling CPS saying we abuse and neglect them
It wouldn't be the cost, as much as the attitude that I would object to. So, I actually agree with the OP's stance here. If she doesn't want to accept responsibility for her actions, there is no reason to expect she'll be more careful with a replacement.
Btw, I'm glad she's not working the originally described schedule. But, didn't you mention on the employment forum that your son just got a job? Why can't he buy his own phone?
I told my son that if he lost his retainers, he would be paying for the replacements in full.
He never lost them!
I guess it depends on what you told her when she received them.
Well, we never told her she would be responsible for the replacement costs, etc, because we didn't think she would lose it. Its not like the retainer would ever be out of the house, like say, she was at summer camp, etc. We simply told her its important to wear them every night, as instructed, and, we assumed she did.
She did inform me a few days ago it was missing. Unfortunately, that was after trash night, so it could have gone out with the trash, I have no idea. also, I really don't know how long it truly has been missing.
It would be different if she were 5, or 10, then, well....we would absorb the cost. But at her age, and she is working. I suggested $50 so she would share in the cost, and perhaps it would be a teaching moment. Let her learn the cost of irresponsibility! I told her this time, we would absorb most of the cost, and just ask for $50. Next time, she pays it all. Som she just flounces off saying its OUR responsibility to pay for her medical, and we can't expect her to work to pay for "our" bills, etc. Hmmm...strange logic. I consider the ortho a gift, above and beyond basic dental care, but a gift we gave wililngly and gladly. No, we never held that over her, like oh, look, what we've done for you, etc. If you could have seen her teeth before ortho, well, it was pathetic. I'm just glad the technology exists to correct such and we have access to it.
I do not think she willifully lost the retainer, but she was careless with it. She is careless in general with things, probably because there's no value attached to them, ie, no consequence. Perhaps transfer the "value" of the retainer to something she does value, her paycheck.
Perhaps now is a good ending point for the ortho, anyways. I consider it 90% done, and its always something she can pick up later, as an adult, with a job and dental insurance. Of course, if she stops ortho now, she probably will backslide, but we've done more than most parents would/could have, anyways.
One thing I've learned, don't allow the drama. I said it and I meant it. Its not like she is being denied something she has no control over. She said she doesn't have $50 right now. I told her that's ok, we will pay it and she can owe us. That's what credit cards are for, and, we won't even charge her interest. I think this is a good learning experience, that money is hard to earn, and unexpected expenses happen. In the "grown up" world, no one cares what your sob story is, you need something, you pay for it. If you don't have the cash, you borrow, such as a credit card, and you pay interest. She can always pick up the ortho later. It is partly the money, but its mainly the attitude. I told her why should we have to come up with $175 out of an already tight budget, which does include the ortho care? That's money I would like to spend on something nice for myself, such as some new clothes, makeup, etc, etc. So, she said just do it, what's stopping you? Well, sweetie, I have to pay for it somehow, or do you suggest I just whine for it? I do have primary bills, such as rent, utilities, etc, etc, that can't be ignored. Somehow she needs to learn she isn't owed whatever because she exists!
It wouldn't be the cost, as much as the attitude that I would object to. So, I actually agree with the OP's stance here. If she doesn't want to accept responsibility for her actions, there is no reason to expect she'll be more careful with a replacement.
^^^^^^^^^
Btw, I'm glad she's not working the originally described schedule. But, didn't you mention on the employment forum that your son just got a job? Why can't he buy his own phone?
That job fell through.....after two interviews, and all but being promised the job, they just never called back. Well, now he's learning how tough it is out there!
My 11 year old was told she had to accept responsibility for her retainer last year when she was 10. On her allowance days I made me put away $10 every week for her "retainer fund" just in case she lost it. She has forgotten a few times and left it on the breakfast counter in a hurry for school and I'm afraid a cat will knock them over and play with them or chew on them but so far we have been lucky.
So I agree you are being more than generous with only making her pay $50. If she balks say" FINE- I absolve myself of the straightening of your teeth since it doesn't seem to matter to you. Suit yourself." And stick to your guns.
My dd 16, has a paying job. She works fast food 2 nights/week, and has just recently started receiving regular paychecks.
We have paid for orthodontic care since she was ~5, which has amounted to literally thousands in out-of-pocket expenses. She recently had the braces removed, and was fitted with a retainer. Although she was told to use it nightly or her teeth could "backslide", she often forgets to use it. She lost it a few days ago, and we think it went out with the trash. She was careless with it, although we told her to keep it in a safe place, etc.
Replacement will cost $175, that's OUR expense, not the insurance. I told her we would consider it fair if she pay $50 towards the cost. she actually became hostile, and said that's HER money, and its OUR responsibility to pay her medical, dental, etc, etc. Hey, we're under no obligation to provide her with anything beyond basic dental care, we do NOT owe her all the orthodontia care we've provided over the years. I told her I felt we were being quite fair asking she pay $50, that's less than 1/3 of the total cost. Instead she said she would just rather not continue with ortho. Ok, fine with me, we've done more than most parents would have, anyways. BTW, we continued to pay for ortho through unemployment, layoffs, etc.....and it was us, her parents, who went without optional niceties so we could continue to provide the basics for the kids. that's what parental responsibility is about, as far as we're concerned. However, we feel we should draw the line somewhere.
So, opinions? Oh, please, don't bother to dig up old posts, I know what I've written, I wrote it! I just want to know what others would feel/do? I really hate to see her come to the end of her long haul with ortho to blow it off at the end like this, but, well, her choice. Like I said, she doesn't use the retainer like she's supposed to, anyways. Perhaps we've come to the end of what we, as parents, can do for her teeth, anyways. She has to accept some responsibility, sometime. I understand the worse that will happen is, her teeth will backslide somewhat. There's no way they could ever be as bad as they were when we started, so, we've given her that much. As time, life goes on, if she's not pleased with her teeth she always has the option to seek and pay for dental care on her own.
She keeps telling me she's not a child anymore, well, let her see what being an adult is all about! Funny, one of her comebacks at me is, oh, grow up! Ummmm.......I am "grown up". Let's now see how she handles the adult world, its not as pretty as she thought!
Oh, also, today, ds stole my cell phone, again. Why doesn't he have his own phone? Who says he's owed a phone? When we had him on our plan, he ran up $200+ in games, etc, that we were stuck with. We now told him he could have a basic, Jitterbug type for security, etc, that we would pay for, but if he wants one with all the bells and whistles, well, he pays for it. BTW, he doesn't have a job, although he truly has been looking, but that's another issue.
And yes, these are the kids who kept calling CPS saying we abuse and neglect them
Provide both children with food shelter, clothing and not slap the tar out of them when they get mouthy, unruly and disrespectful until they are of legal age then cut it all off. Until they are of legal age only provide what is an absolute necessity however, do the following or don't do as the case may be:
Do not cook for them
do not do their laundry, pick up their rooms or gather their dirty clothes
do not pay for their cell phones
do not replace their clothing unless it is an absolutely necessity to do so
do not pay for the retainer
do not pay for any further dental expense outside of regular check ups that is covered by your insurance if you have it
do not pay for the vehicles, gasoline or insurance and if you currently do, cut that off as well.
At 16 I bought my own vehicle, paid for my own gasoline, insurance and cigarettes. Bought my own clothing, cooked for myself, did my own laundry, went to high school full time, worked full time after school, kept my grades up and worked a part time job on the weekends.
She thinks she is "all grown up" let her find out that "her money" is not really hers, that it belongs to those that she owes a debt to and currently her debt is to replace the retainer that she lost.
At the age of 16 she should be responsible enough to do as she is instructed and use the retainer nightly and pay for the replacement.
My oldest "lost" 2 retainers, we paid for the first replacement he paid for the second replacement and he still has it all these years later.
My 11 year old was told she had to accept responsibility for her retainer last year when she was 10. On her allowance days I made me put away $10 every week for her "retainer fund" just in case she lost it. She has forgotten a few times and left it on the breakfast counter in a hurry for school and I'm afraid a cat will knock them over and play with them or chew on them but so far we have been lucky.
So I agree you are being more than generous with only making her pay $50. If she balks say" FINE- I absolve myself of the straightening of your teeth since it doesn't seem to matter to you. Suit yourself." And stick to your guns.
This will be tough, since we are so close to finishing up her ortho, and we've come so far. But she does need to value it, at least $50 worth! The problem is, Daddy always caves. I've told him when he does so, he undermines any respect the kids have for me. Well, we don't have to tell Daddy everything, do we? Just let the issue ride....
Provide both children with food shelter, clothing and not slap the tar out of them when they get mouthy, unruly and disrespectful until they are of legal age then cut it all off. Until they are of legal age only provide what is an absolute necessity however, do the following or don't do as the case may be:
Do not cook for them
do not do their laundry, pick up their rooms or gather their dirty clothes
do not pay for their cell phones
do not replace their clothing unless it is an absolutely necessity to do so
do not pay for the retainer
do not pay for any further dental expense outside of regular check ups that is covered by your insurance if you have it
do not pay for the vehicles, gasoline or insurance and if you currently do, cut that off as well.
At 16 I bought my own vehicle, paid for my own gasoline, insurance and cigarettes. Bought my own clothing, cooked for myself, did my own laundry, went to high school full time, worked full time after school, kept my grades up and worked a part time job on the weekends.
She thinks she is "all grown up" let her find out that "her money" is not really hers, that it belongs to those that she owes a debt to and currently her debt is to replace the retainer that she lost.
At the age of 16 she should be responsible enough to do as she is instructed and use the retainer nightly and pay for the replacement.
My oldest "lost" 2 retainers, we paid for the first replacement he paid for the second replacement and he still has it all these years later.
Agreed in part
I do cook "for them" because its cheaper and more efficient to cook meals, such as stews, casseroles, etc, rather than each of us picking their own stuff
Typically I do their laundry, because, there again, its cheaper, more efficient to batch stuff
I try to leave their rooms untouched, but I do go in there to gather up laundry, trash, etc. Yes, I know....I'm their maid! Well, better than having ants take up residence there.
They do not currently have vehicles, nor licenses. Its amazing how many people keep bugging me, when are you getting them their DL? Like its some sort of obligation I owe them. I counter that with WTH are they going to drive? My car? Like I've said, we are on a truly tight budget, and certainly don't have the means for a "teen mobile", let alone the insurance! If we let them drive one of our old---paid off--clunkers, well, what if they damage it? If they don't value a retainer, how would they value someone else's car? If we lose our cars, well, we lose our livelihood without something to drive. I got my DL at 17, but didn't have a vehicle until turned 22, and bought my own, with a $1000 down payment from my father, and he cosigned the note! However, I did respect my parents, and didn't see them as some sort of dirt to do my bidding!
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