Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
You need to get past what your husband did. It's ove and done with. You need to be more concerned with your daughter, her drinking adn her attitude. You need to keep her at home on the weekends. It needs to be school, home, every day. Nothing else. If the school doesn't kick her off the cheerleading squad, you should take her off yourself. Screw that "she won't have anythig to live for crap." She's convinced you to treat her like a snowflake, to borrow a phrase someone else used first. She has you in the palm of her hand.
You have no idea what you're talking about. You are too blind to realize that the parents are more to blame than the kids. I'm not just talking this incident with drinking, or with the 18 moving in with her boyfriend. This all didn't happen overnight.
You are telling people with bad parenting skills, to be even worse parents by punishing more and acting like "jail guards".
They all need to see a certified professional with 10+ years of actual psychology practice. A psychiatrist or psychologist or both.
They are not going to be able to resolve anything by themselves.
Congratulations to DD18 for moving out. Your disdain for her is very obvious in your posts, she is better off.
So you knew DD15 was drinking regularly and were okay with that? Perhaps DD15 could move in with DD18?
You have posted many times that you don't much like DD18. You now say your DH doesn't like DD15. Most parents don't feel that way, you understand that, right? And if parents truly feel that way, the child is well aware.
Sorry to be harsh but here goes; you are unhappy in your marriage, you are unhappy at work, and both of your children are acting out. Has it not occurred to you, really occurred to you that all this negativity would impact your girls in a significant way?
If you really want to be a parent you need to get yourself and your husband into some type of counselling. You 2 need to be on the same page about values, your marriage and a host of other things before you even start to address parenting.
BINGO!
Agree with everything, except I would STRONGLY suggest they don't just see any "counselor". They need to get the best of the best. They have to make sure they see an actual psychologist or psychiatrist.
You have no idea what you're talking about. You are too blind to realize that the parents are more to blame than the kids. I'm not just talking this incident with drinking, or with the 18 moving in with her boyfriend. This all didn't happen overnight.
You are telling people with bad parenting skills, to be even worse parents by punishing more and acting like "jail guards".
They all need to see a certified professional with 10+ years of actual psychology practice. A psychiatrist or psychologist or both.
They are not going to be able to resolve anything by themselves.
Whatever. I fail to see how punishing the 15 year old drunk is being like a "prison guard."
I made it to page 9 in reading this dilemma. Ivory, please do not take this the wrong way and I will apologize in advance for being judgmental
It sounds like you have done everything within your power to make sure that your children lead a comfortable life. That said, I think that perhaps your hard work and dedication has made it too easy for them to make foolish decisions without properly seeing them through. At this point I wouldn’t care if my daughter ever cheered again nor would I care very much about the license thing. You dear child decided to get drunk at the age of 15. You made an adult decision therefore you will suffer adult consequences. The only way for your children to learn that the world isn’t fairies and leprechauns is by allowing them to learn from their mistakes.
I will not comment much on the 18 yo because legally she is an adult. However, the same mentality applies here. She has to learn first hand that life isn't a joke. I wish you all the best and I do not envy your situation.
Whatever. I fail to see how punishing the 15 year old drunk is being like a "prison guard."
The are different levels of punishment, however.
The situation we have here is that the OP knew the 15 year old had been drinking prior to this incident and chose not to take any action. She - or rather her husband - then chose to go from no action to the most extreme form of action which is having the kid arrested. That shows no logic and no consistency and will be perceived as such by the child.
Of course there should be consequences for a 15 year old drinking and getting drunk. But there are a whole range of sanctions that the parents could have gone through first. Going straight for the nuclear option is neither smart nor reasonable.
Going straight for the nuclear option is neither smart nor reasonable.
We don't know everything that went on or was said beforehand, only what the OP has chosen to tell us. If going to the police is the nuclear option, that would not have been my first choice. You're right. The OP let is go on for too long, but at some point, you have to put your foot down. I see nothing wrong with school, then home for a month or two after coming home drunk from a party.
She won't be able to earn them back. The court and the school will take them away. It's the fact she can't earn them back that is the problem. If it was you cannot cheer or drive until ___________ I'd be fine with that except the _____________ is she turns 18 and high school is over. She wants to try for a competitive cheer scholarship to college. Kind of hard to do if they won't let you cheer in high school.
If this goes badly, and she loses everything she cares about, she will no longer care what happens. I don't see how that is a good thing. I'm hoping the court offers her the ability to earn having her record expunged. I do want there to be consequences but some are worse than others. Unfortunately, once dh took her to the police, the consequences were taken out of our hands and put into the hands of the court.
She sees this as inherently unfair because so many kids drink and DON'T get turned in by their parents and lose everything they care about as a result. If you think she's the only cheerleader drinking, you're mistaken. The others however get to continue to cheer because their parents handled this at home not by dragging their child down to the police station.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
Yes, this is the one who has skipped two grades. Unfortunately, there is no shortage of parties and the kids drink at parties. Just drinking at parties I could deal with. Getting drunk is another matter. I put drinking into the kids will be kids category.Getting drunk goes into a different category.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
I knew she had drank before and the past couple of parties had come home just fine. Yes, I knew it was a risk. However, until Saturday she had given us no reason to shut down her social life completely. Unfortunately, that resulted in penalties way higher than expected. I figured she'd pull this sooner or later but I also assumed that we'd handle it as parents not have her arrested and have the matter taken out of our hands.
Maturity is a big issue with grade skipping. In hind sight, it's not something I would recommend, though at the time she did fit better with her older peers. Puberty seems to be the great equalizer here.
Ivory, I'm sympathetic to you because I, too, have a 15-year-old daughter and raising a teen isn't easy.
But your comments about your daughter's drinking are disturbing because you sound like a classic enabler--letting her do it and making excuses. Feeling sorry for her when she has to suffer the consequences. Does your husband still drink? I have a feeling that alcoholism in your household is the root of what is going on here. Have you ever been to an Al-anon meeting?
I don't think it should be at all acceptable for the parent of a teenager to condone underage drinking. Yes, it goes on, but parents should make their expectations about drinking clear to their kids and let them know there will be serious consequences. If I learned that my daughter had a drink at a party she'd be grounded, plain and simple. And if she ever drinks and drives, she'll lose driving privileges for a long, long time.
You're saying that if your daughter loses everything she cares about, she'll no longer care about anything. To the contrary, this might make her figure out exactly what she cares about and realize that poor decision-making can have huge costs.
Also, did it ever occur to you that maybe she's in over her head with older kids and came home drunk on purpose to get your attention? Maybe she wants you to put your foot down and give her a reason to stop partying with older students.
Oh, dear. I read through this thread and another. So much more is going on here.
It sounds like you resent DD#1 for being much like your husband. You find an ally in DD#2 and it sounds like she can do no wrong. No wonder DD#1 is a mess. You probably won't see this but in a different environment DD#1 will probably thrive. Right now she is just looking for someone to care about her without being so critical. However, you are setting DD#2 up for a lifetime of hurt if you do NOT allow this to play itself out. IMO 15 year olds don't require a designated driver. If she is getting drunk she shouldn't be driving at all, regardless if she didn't do it this one time. You are so critical of DD#1 but you excuse DD#2 for having a designate driver? AND you think she should be rewarded by continuing to cheer? Do you not see that DD#1 is calling BS? Do you not see why she is calling BS? I am sure that this is par for the course within your household.
Please find another couselor for both daughters. It sounds to me that the one used for DD#1 is biased and most likely influenced by your opinion. The fact that DD#1 decided to continue counseling without further input from you should show you that she is attempting to take charge of her mental health. She could have just quit and said to hell with it.
I am also in an unenviable position with my oldest daughter and have a thread about it.
My line is "there is a time and place for everything" and by that I mean everything legal. Drugs are illegal and therefor no time or place for those. Drinking alcohol has a time and place as well. 15 isn't it. There are consequences for bad choices.
My girls are also AP students and are very involved. They may not go to parties where there are no parents and if there is alcohol present. I check.
At 15, kids are very impulsive. Mix that with alcohol and no good can come of it.
I cannot say if what your dh did was bad or not. Not my place. I tend to give a lot of leeway to other parents and their techniques. Just because it's different doesn't mean it's wrong.
I don't know where you live but can tell you legal ramifications where I am. In her case, they will at worst put her on probation. Do not for one minute think that when she turns 18, this goes off of her record. Not true at all. Further, if she is convicted, if it comes to that, it doesn't ever get automatically expunged. That's a common misconception. After 10 years of being charge free, one can apply for expungement.
Never negotiate on things that are against the law. Whether we agree with the laws or not, they are what they are.
Best of luck. Please have a serious heart to heart with your dh on parenting issues. Married or not, you both care about your kids. Sometimes the only thing we can do is take a step back and let consequences happen. We can support them but sometimes that's all we can do.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
