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that is not true, many families are able to instill discipline and correct behaviors without using a "stern" voice. being loud or intimidating is not the answer to gain respect. all it does is teach the child to ignore you because you are always "stern" and or teach them to be them to be the same way.
Mumbo Jumbo (I disagree). You do have to be stern, even if talking softly. And there are times that you have to raise your voice, it's ok. Screaming isn't, but talking a little more loudly or forcefully is ok. It depends a lot on the child. Some children will completely ignore you and run all over you if you barely talk above a whisper. You have to know the child, and know whether they will respond well to a louder tone of voice or a softer one.
That's true, it's amazing the number of parents that shiver at the first scream of their child. I could yell as a kid but it would only happen twice. A couple of slaps would ensure that didn't happen again.
Me too. My dad was the stricter disciplinarian when I was a kid, and sometimes all he had to do was give me "the look" to know I better think real quick about what it was I was doing that was about to get me in trouble.
I'm not a believer in time-outs but I think usually a screaming toddler is a tired toddler. Just send them in for a nap. A nap can change everything.
Boy, is that ever true. Sometimes with toddlers (4 year olds aren't toddlers though) they also may be thirsty or hungry. A four year old not acting in their usual manner may mean they don't feel well, are just tired, or may be upset about something they can't quite verbalize appropriately yet.
And sadly, the longer I live, the more I see that this is not always up to the parents or a function of their parenting style or even a measure of the love the children receive, alas. Sure, a child is more likely to grow up to resent an abusive or neglectful parent, but I've also seen loving, caring, respectful parenting where the kids still grow up not wanting a relationship with their parents, or are distant, or selfish and take advantage of them, etc. On the other side of the coin are parents that are, for instance, cold and distant and pushy and judgemental, yet the children love them immensely and even when grown, spend their lives looking to please them and win their affection. It depends on the child and their personality and temperament and environment as much as it does on the parents.
That's very true. What works for one child won't work for another because they are all different separate individuals. That's even true with full-siblings. One child can be very easy to raise, another child from the same parents can be very stubborn and try to challenge everything.
And children change, the very sweetest babies can grow up to be teenagers and be the biggest pains in the butts, but then they leave home and are nice adults you like to be around. Or the little stubborn one becomes an easy teenager.
I've seen kids from more affluent families where the parents did everything they thought was right -- finish college, get good paying jobs so they could support their future families very well, they made sure their kids had nothing but the best and their kids learned no gratitude, while kids from struggling families who grow up with little can be the most grateful.
And sadly, the longer I live, the more I see that this is not always up to the parents or a function of their parenting style or even a measure of the love the children receive, alas. Sure, a child is more likely to grow up to resent an abusive or neglectful parent, but I've also seen loving, caring, respectful parenting where the kids still grow up not wanting a relationship with their parents, or are distant, or selfish and take advantage of them, etc. On the other side of the coin are parents that are, for instance, cold and distant and pushy and judgemental, yet the children love them immensely and even when grown, spend their lives looking to please them and win their affection. It depends on the child and their personality and temperament and environment as much as it does on the parents.
I see this with my sisters and I. I, being the oldest, probably got the most spankings of all of us. My middle sister was NEVER spanked, and my little sister, maybe only a few times. The middle sister barely has anything to do with the family anymore and always talks about how traumatizing her childhood was. Me and my little sister can't figure out how she was so traumatized when she never got in trouble for anything and was never really mistreated by our parents in any way. I get along with both parents generally pretty well, but get along better with my mother. My little sister gets along with both parents, but gets along better with my father than my mother.
Boy, is that ever true. Sometimes with toddlers (4 year olds aren't toddlers though) they also may be thirsty or hungry. A four year old not acting in their usual manner may mean they don't feel well, are just tired, or may be upset about something they can't quite verbalize appropriately yet.
Yes, 4 years old would be on the upper end but still in the pre-school range and still not really to the age of reason. Usually when they're normally sweet but acting bad, it's time for a nap. A nap isn't punishment and shouldn't be made to seem like one.
One thing that really works on children as young as 18 months of age is when they throw a tantrum or scream is to capture it on video -- grab a cell phone and start recording it. Then play it back for them. It's hilarious to watch the expressions on their faces when they watch themselves having a temper fit. They will tend to stop throwing tantrums because they really don't like how they looked while having one.
Also kids will act out because they want attention. Sometimes it's best to just realize that it's time to go outdoors and work out some of their pent-up energy and have some fun instead of misery.
That's very true. What works for one child won't work for another because they are all different separate individuals. That's even true with full-siblings. One child can be very easy to raise, another child from the same parents can be very stubborn and try to challenge everything.
And children change, the very sweetest babies can grow up to be teenagers and be the biggest pains in the butts, but then they leave home and are nice adults you like to be around. Or the little stubborn one becomes an easy teenager.
I've seen kids from more affluent families where the parents did everything they thought was right -- finish college, get good paying jobs so they could support their future families very well, they made sure their kids had nothing but the best and their kids learned no gratitude, while kids from struggling families who grow up with little can be the most grateful.
I see this everyday where I work. We have several sibling pairs and you can never do the same with one as you do with the other. There is always one sibling that is more laid back, and another who is more high strung, and it's even more fun when they start fighting with each other and getting on each others nerves. You can also see how family interaction affects the kids too. Some families do more things together and some do nearly nothing together and it shows in the kids. Not necessarily their behaviors, but how they interact with others or react to situations. Parents have to ultimately work as a team, no matter what. There shouldn't be any "Good Cop, Bad Cop" going on. If one parent says something, then the other one should back it up, unless what one parent is doing is totally outrageous or abusive.
Yes, 4 years old would be on the upper end but still in the pre-school range and still not really to the age of reason. Usually when they're normally sweet but acting bad, it's time for a nap. A nap isn't punishment and shouldn't be made to seem like one.
One thing that really works on children as young as 18 months of age is when they throw a tantrum or scream is to capture it on video -- grab a cell phone and start recording it. Then play it back for them. It's hilarious to watch the expressions on their faces when they watch themselves having a temper fit. They will tend to stop throwing tantrums because they really don't like how they looked while having one.
Also kids will act out because they want attention. Sometimes it's best to just realize that it's time to go outdoors and work out some of their pent-up energy and have some fun instead of misery.
Definitely. We had a few days of rain here, where no one could go outside and the poor things were about to have a Wrestling throwdown with each other because they were so bored of being cooped up! They really do need to stretch their legs and have "wiggle time" or something if they can't get out. Dancing inside is good fun too.
My wife says I am too hard on my 4year old since he is only 4 but I have less patience and tolerance than she does. Dont get my wrong I am not abusive or anything I am just very strict with him.
A lot of it stems from my childhood where I had it much harder then I give it to him. Whats the best way to overcome / deal with this?
Your wife is probably right and you are smart to listen to her. It's not easy to have patience but you won't be sorry later. It is okay to discipline your child, in fact..you discipline your child because you love them. However, discipline does NOT have to be harsh or physically painful to be effective. Children just need to know that there are consequences to their bad behavior. Communicate why they are being disciplined and try to be consistent too. Later, follow up with a hug and let them know you love them and this is why you are disciplining them and how it will help them.
If you are patient with them when they are little then they will be patient with themselves and others (including you) when they are a teen & adult when it really matters. Hang in there.
that is not true, many families are able to instill discipline and correct behaviors without using a "stern" voice. being loud or intimidating is not the answer to gain respect. all it does is teach the child to ignore you because you are always "stern" and or teach them to be them to be the same way.
I couldn't agree more. My son is grown now, and I was always able to manage his behavior by talking to and with him, explaining why certain behaviors were appropriate or not, and I only remember yelling at him once or twice (when I was stressed about something unrelated to him, and for which I apologized later). You can be firm and consistent without being harsh. An adult wouldn't want to live with someone like that; why would a child?
The problem with being overly strict or stern is that what you, as a parent, interpret as "respect" may actually be fear and/or grudging submission to your rules, which will be followed later by your children hiding activities from you, closing the lines of communication for fear of reprisals and judgment, and perhaps not respecting you at all. It never fails to amaze me how some very "strict" disciplinarian type parents are constantly having to threaten or discipline their children. Clearly their methods don't work or they wouldn't be locked in this negative pattern.
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