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She should not AT ALL be guilted or obligated to babysit. She doesn't live at home, so she's not even obligated to spend time with them. When they are older, and when/if they act like human beings, maybe then she'll want to have a relationship with them.
There's a 6 year stretch between my two girls, and the older started babysitting her younger sister when she was 11. I know that seems young, but she was very mature and responsible for her age. And her 5-year-old sister was very well behaved.
She ASKED to. I had a second job where I had to work weekend mornings, and they were babysat by their grandparents (DH's parents). They insisted on taking the girls to Sabbath School and church (they are Seventh Day Adventist and observe Saturday). My girls HATED it. DH and I are not religious or church going, so our girls never "took" to it like their grandparents hoped they would. They were also expected to "keep the Sabbath", meaning no play, reading (other than Bible stories), video games, tv, etc. They went to visit church members and had to sit quietly. Hard for two growing rambunctious girls.
After a month or so of this my oldest had had ENOUGH. She begged to be allowed to stay home alone. I told her it would not be fair to her sister. I asked her if she thought she could be responsible enough for a few hours to mind her sister. She proved to me that she was...albeit a little dictator to her sister sometimes. She no longer had to go to church, and she earned some spending money (I paid her for babysitting). After she was grown and moved out, and her sister was a teenager, her younger sister often spent weekends at her place (but of course by then she wasn't actually being "babysat").
Last edited by Mrs. Skeffington; 11-11-2013 at 10:50 AM..
But, I would feel the same way and suck it up. Family is family. The little kids are not at fault. Better that she take care of them than some stranger. If she doesn't hate it and doesn't do it all the time, then she should help out.
But her mother and step-dad should be very appreciative and never make it seem that she is doing a duty. She is doing them a favor.
Yes, being a family member comes with obligations as well as benefits and sometimes, that means childcare.
Now, the mother, as a member of the family, also has an obligation not to abuse other family members. Clearly she is abusing the nature of her eldest daughter. So, NO, your friend should no longer feel obligated to babysit. She is being taken advantage of.
She should certainly have the right to say NO. However she should remember that know later in life when she wants something.
Yes, being a family member comes with obligations as well as benefits and sometimes, that means childcare.
Now, the mother, as a member of the family, also has an obligation not to abuse other family members. Clearly she is abusing the nature of her eldest daughter. So, NO, your friend should no longer feel obligated to babysit. She is being taken advantage of.
What you said makes a lot of sense to me.
A previous poster said that their brother was "not their child".
Yeah but it's your brother. That means nothing ?
It wasn't my job to look after siblings as I was growing up, of course, but I did it from time
to time and I found it normal to do it. I wasn't paid for it, just like I wasn'd paid for doing household
chores from time to time. *shrug* I just think it's normal for kids to contribute, a little, to the
running of the household. It's their house too after all.
Taking care of younger siblings when you're already out of the house and an adult seems a bit
different to me. I must admit that I'd find it strange to have to take care of a baby if my dad became
a father again lol. I don't think I'd feel obligated at all. I might do it to help out once in a while.
...
After a month or so of this my oldest had had ENOUGH. She begged to be allowed to stay home alone. I told her it would not be fair to her sister. I asked her if she thought she could be responsible enough for a few hours to mind her sister. She proved to me that she was...albeit a little dictator to her sister sometimes. She no longer had to go to church, and she earned some spending money (I paid her for babysitting). After she was grown and moved out, and her sister was a teenager, her younger sister often spent weekends at her place (but of course by then she wasn't actually being "babysat").
That sounds like a wonderful growing up experience for your older daughter.
She probably felt a great sense of accomplishment and was given the opportunity to indulge in her nurturing instinct ( I think that most children feel naturally nurturing towards their younger siblings).
I'm a great fan of children taking some responsabilities and working out their interactions with each other (under some supervision of course).
She should certainly have the right to say NO. However she should remember that know later in life when she wants something.
Being a member of a family has privileges and responsibilities. If your refuse to honor that then you are no longer a functional family.
Sometimes the responsibility is to babysit. Emergency situations spring to mind.
Sometimes the responsibility is to not abuse the family relationship. The mother in the OP is an example of it.
But saying someone has the RIGHT to say no is obvious. There is clearly no legal basis for babysitting. But the OP asked about obligation, and yes, being a member of a family comes with obligation. The situation as painted in the OP, IMO, is not one of them.
What you said makes a lot of sense to me.
A previous poster said that their brother was "not their child".
Yeah but it's your brother. That means nothing ?
It wasn't my job to look after siblings as I was growing up, of course, but I did it from time
to time and I found it normal to do it. I wasn't paid for it, just like I wasn'd paid for doing household
chores from time to time. *shrug* I just think it's normal for kids to contribute, a little, to the
running of the household. It's their house too after all.
Taking care of younger siblings when you're already out of the house and an adult seems a bit
different to me. I must admit that I'd find it strange to have to take care of a baby if my dad became
a father again lol. I don't think I'd feel obligated at all. I might do it to help out once in a while.
My aunt had to go to the hospital suddenly with one of my cousins. It was a real emergency and her husband had to be there. There was no one else available to watch the other sibling in this situation. So I came home from school when I was a freshman, and it was a pain. I missed three days of classes, had to leave messages for all my teachers, but it is family, and you do what you have to. OTOH, when I had a nearly identical situation with my own daughter, my aunt and uncle took care of my home for a much longer period of time.
Oh, and to be honest, I don't think it has anything to do with living at home or not. You are still family when you move out, and you still have an obligation not to take advantage of your children when they live at home. If parents have another recourse for babysitting, they SHOULD take it. But if there is a an emergency, than yes, even if your parents no longer support you as family you should help if you can.
If she really is busy and it's an inconvenience, then she needs to say "no mom I'm sorry I can't I have other obligations, I hope you find someone else."
I mean how often is she being asked? Every week? Every Friday/Sat/Sun?
When I was 23 my mom went to work overseas and my husband and I moved into my mother's house and took care of my brother and sister for 4 years. It did help us out as well, but it was a huge undertaking.
When she came back and we moved away she did try to get us to do EVERYTHING for her, and I mean everything, installing a mounted microwave (um no?), mowing her 3000+ square foot lawn, etc. I had to put my foot down, I don't mind helping with things like changing a light bulb or hanging pictures or something, but at that point I told her hire an electrician and gardener! She was mad at first but I was like I'm your kid not your handyman. I do think part of it was because my dad did everything around the house like that before my parents divorce.
Anyways, at some point she has to put her foot down, you can only encourage it if she complains. She doesn't have to be rude nor honest about it, but just to say "I'm sorry I can't I have such and such to do" and if her mom makes her feel guilty I'd say "Mom I'd love to help but I DO have a life outside your home and can't be expected to drop my life every time you want a babysitter."
Also I suggest to your friend to HELP her mom find a babysitter. There are websites like sittercity dedicated to babysitters. Your friend can be helpful in that way, just as I was helpful in finding my mom a reputable gardener and electrician!
hmmmm do i sense that you are somewhat jealous of your "friend's" time? and where she spends it? calling her mom a witch. that is so boyfriend.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DejaBlue
I was having a conversation with a friend about this and naturally we had different views on this.
I have no siblings so I can't relate. But she, mid 20 something, out of the house, out of school, working but still lives within 25 miles of her parents. Her mom is remarried with an 11, 10 and 6 year old.
Anyway her brothers are little demons and her sister is pretty much Rhoda from the bad seed. I love kids but they are without a doubt the poster kids for "bad children" They really are. But that's a product of her mom getting remarried then having them much much later. I personally felt like it was more to lock down a pretty much rich husband rather than really wanting children with him so they just give them whatever they want and overlook/ignore their numerous vices. I want to say her mom was at least 37 with the first.
But often she's called to babysit. They have trouble retaining sitters and guilt her into it because they are her brothers and sister.
She's told me she honestly never wants to watch them at least right now. I said she should tell her mom that because honestly she doesn't have to. She doesn't live at home, they aren't paying for her school because she's out and when she was it was her dad paying not her mom so she really doesn't owe them anything. Her mom knows her kids are bad but likes to use my friend as free sitting.
I honestly dislike her mother because I've seen first hand the guilt tripping and think she's a bit of a witch with a b. They have more than enough money to pay someone (mom didn't have two kids back to back in her late 30s for nothing because her husband is pretty well off so she had to lock down his money somehow two times over)
Should siblings be obligated to babysit?
I told her to tell her mom but she said because they're her siblings she is obligated. I think at 25+ you're not obligated to babysit a a 11, 10 and 6 year old. Any siblings really. At 16 maybe because you're still in the house.
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