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Going to her house isn't an option, it's gated and always shut and a hassle.
It isn't the gate that shut, but someone's heart.
I know it is painful, but you really need to change your expectations and fill your life with worthy people. Our society today is so stratified that many people do feel isolated. The way many of us were raised is not longer a way to function in society that puts matierial property ahead of relationships. Sometimes we need to dust off our shoes and move on, but leave the door open for furture relationships if things change....which they probably won't.
Maybe they don't agree with the way you treat/teach your children? I don't have children but I probably wouldn't want to have them around people who teach them stuff I wouldn't teach them, whatever this may be. It doesn't have to be something bad, just different style?
There could be so many reasons, like - you are strict with your children and they aren't. Or the opposite. Or your children have toys that they haven't and they envy you for it. Or you don't supervise them enough while they are over. Or they are scared of the area you live in because it is not gated. Or your dog walks around and sheds on them and they think it is dirty. Or ... Or ... there could be so many things ...
Only a sitdown between your wife and her sister can clarify that mystery.
Maybe your SIL just feels you and your wife are way too much in their business, so she limits the interactions.
It seems you have this need for "cousins to be together" . . . and not everyone feels that way. Maybe SIL thinks hanging out so much with family only is myopic and limiting.
I seriously doubt there is any "transgression" or actual incident that took place that has affected any of this. I am sure your wife would remember if something had been said and someone got upset, so that leads me to think that SIL simply is uncomfortable with you and your wife insisting on being so involved in her and her kids' lives. I suspect that what you DO NOT realize is that with mom living so close by, family members discuss things and mention innocent stuff -- like who went to a movie with whom, or who bought what for whom -- and little things get passed around. It is inevitable. It could be that SIL resents all this discussion going on about her and her family so she has decided - one way to cut it out is to not give anyone anything to discuss by limiting visits and time spent together.
Also, this thing of your wife buying stuff for other family members. It may be that friends appreciate that, but I have known people to be very offended that so-and-so dropped by YET MORE "used" stuff as if we were too poor to buy our things. Yes, I have heard this. And I have also heard folks say - OMG - why does my sister keep doing this stuff and then telling everyone "how much she does for us" (meaning - telling mom) and then it turns into keeping score. . . "when did you do anything nice for your sister?"
You really have no idea what is being said between other family members and how irritating some of the stuff your wife does is. I could be totally off base here, but I sure have seen situations like I described.
What I find perplexing is . . . why you would CARE how much time these kids spend together? And why it is such a big deal to your wife? If your SIL has made excuses this many times, I would be figuring out that for whatever reasons, I need to find other playmates for my kids and mark my SIL off the list. This is not a big deal so why is your wife making this "no playdate" situation into an issue that would include this dramatic statement from your wife about Thanksgiving?
Your wife needs to stop spending so much time trying to pull her sister into her life. Surely she has other friends to spend time with?
The closest thing I can think of, with regards to any differences between them, is that the last time my wife tried to have them stay overnight, she mentioned them going to church the next morning (it was a Saturday night) & at that time the sister seemed to be anxious to leave & not have them stay. But the thing is, if her kids stay with the brother & his wife, they go to church as well. The only difference is that church is close to the sister's house, whereas the one we go to isn't.
Well, the church thing is always tricky. Some people are real anal about that sort of thing. Attending another church may be frowned upon. Or maybe, they don't want you guys to have a part in their religious upbringing. Again, there could be many reasons. We don't know. The best source to ask is the sister. Now whether she'll be honest is entirely another issue. Of course, one we can't help on.
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Originally Posted by shyguylh
Otherwise, based on my observations, the sister seems to find my wife boring, and possibly me as well. Still, that shouldn't make a difference if we go pick up the kids and bring them here. As for my wife buying them clothes--she does that for anyone she knows, if she's at a garage sale or such & sees an item she knows someone else may like, she gets it for them. She does it for her parents too.
Also, the 9 year old girl, I got her an MP3 player for her birthday and I had copies of some of the sister's songs from before when I ripped her CDs to MP3 format, and I loaded her songs on her daughter's player. On that occasion, they were far more eager to come by, although they didn't when the mother of them both was here and I was asked to give the player to her & the sister could get it that way. Such makes you think the sister only likes us for any favors she can get out of us, but otherwise doesn't much care. Also, last year, during Thanksgiving, she barely stopped by her parents' house who was hosting it, just grabbing some food & practically taking it with her. She didn't even hang around for 20 minutes to socialize with anybody, or let the kids do as such. Maybe she's just doing her own thing per se?
So apparently, the sister is shallow and selfish. If it really is the case where the church being closer, things she (her kids) gets is more important than being with you guys... then that's what you have to expect from her. But there are some things you can draw the line on-- call her on it. Personally, if I was your MIL/FIL, I would never let her take my dang Thanksgiving food and leave. Doesn't exactly inspire the thanks in me and she'd hear it from me. SIL is obviously is used to getting doing things this way because no one ever call her on it and enable such behavior. So stop trying and don't enable.
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Originally Posted by shyguylh
It is absolutely the sister's right to let whoever be with her kids or not, but at the same time, if my wife asks and is told "she has a birthday party she's going to' as the the reason why we can't get together, but then she still lets her daughter go with the brother & his wife and you later find out the birthday party was the FOLLOWING day, you can't help but wonder what's going on.
Like I said, maybe your wife is too sensitive and SIL just doesn't want to deal with that. Or... its just another example of SIL's shallow/selfish ways.
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Originally Posted by shyguylh
As for the brother only having the girl & never the boys--I have actually seen the 2 boys become disappointed that they couldn't go along with the girl & join in on the fun, and the mother of the 3 grown kids has said she has noticed the 2 boys being disheartened over such & that she thinks they pick up on & think of it as being passed over & as such the brother & his wife only taking the girl is a clear blatant form of favoritism. That's between all of them though, I guess.
Yes, that really is between all of them. What's being done with their kids and other people just isn't your business and they'll deal with it (or not) one way or another.
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Originally Posted by shyguylh
To me, the sister ought to let the kids come over here for the sake of all the cousins, especially when we offer to go get them and bring them back, and we always feed them well etc. I respect her parental authority, don't misunderstand me, but it makes no sense, especially since there are no issues of, say, our kids causing theirs to start acting up and misbehaving, or they're not taken care of well during our time with us etc. It's ashame the kids have to pay.
Yes, at such times, it makes you want to start looking around for other people for our kids to play with. It has so upset my wife, that this Thanksgiving, when all of them & us etc are due to eat together at the church the mother goes to (same one that's close to the sister's house), she is instead speaking of us not going to such things anymore at all & just finding our own circle of friends & shunning all of them altogether. Before such a drastic step is taken, though, I'm trying to get to the bottom of it better. Besides, I get great photos of everyone when I do, and I know they all (sister included) cherish the photos and they will be priceless years later when the kids are grown and the grown kids' parents, one of whom is almost 70, start to become frail & such.
The only thing you can control is your expectations. It doesn't matter what YOU feel what family should be like. If the sister truly cherish family time/photos, she'll be there. Otherwise, expect the least possible from her and take every opportunities you get with the niece/nephews. Don't hold yourself (and family) hostage for nothing.
Nearly my husband's entire family is the same as your SIL. So believe me, I'm very familiar with how annoying it is. They continue to show they still don't care so we just don't deal with it anymore. Oh well. Better for the kids to have a true sense of what family is and to be around what affirms FAMILY. And not be always constantly disappointed with those within the biological tree for not fulfilling that sense.
I am in the same situation with my own sister. When we lived in the same town not 10-15 minutes from each other we saw her and her family about 3-4 times. If we were having people over we extended an invite or if we were doing a fun kid's activity that her son could join in we extended an invite. I kept getting declines of the invites so I stopped. It's going on 2 years since the last time we saw each other. My kids now 4 & 5 don't remember her. I know my nephew has no idea who I am. It's very sad to me but I tried.
We have had our issues in the past though when we would have dicussions about getting together she was always for it as long as we went to her. She spends alot of time with her husband's family including all holiday's. It's not an option to spend them elsewhere.
I've adjusted my expectations and no longer extend invites.
I appreciate the replies, I am reading them & contemplating them from every possible angle.
One thing: besides that my wife is pondering us going & doing our own thing without any of them this Sunday during Thanksgiving--as someone said, filling your life full of people who actually want to be with you or whatever--I am also tempted to cancel us having Christmas this year. This would be the 4th year we've hosted it. I've pondered either us no longer hosting it at all, letting the mother-in-law host it if she feels like it or whatever, and possibly even not having anything to do with any of them at all. Or, alternatively, I've actually pondered inviting the parents over and the brother but specifically excluding the sister & her kids completely from it altogether.
I'm going to guess that would be easily be as petty as what she's doing, and probably even more. The thing is, though, I can't find it in myself to just pretend like everything's okay. It's sort of a thing of "why bother coming over on Christmas if you can't be bothered to do so the entire rest of the year & you live 20 minutes down the road & we've even offered to do the transporting of the kids?" I guess, though, that would be just as immature, if not more so. The idea is to be happy to see them whenever they can be persuaded & to be sure don't spoil Christmas-time of all things.
That said, experiences like these have it be to where we have pondered that if we were to become close friends with a new group of persons on that level of things, we might participate in Christmas with them as our own thing and do it that sort of way from now on, or spend Christmas at a homeless shelter helping the less fortunate or that sort of thing. I have family many hours away who nonetheless would be happy to have us, if it weren't for the distance I think we'd just do that instead this year.
The only thing is, besides that you want to not be petty, it's also that the parents especially (and the brother, to a lesser extent) are still totally okay by us, and there's no sense in shunning them over this. Also, not that how you LOOK is the main thing, but that said, we'd sure look like the horse's rear-ends in such a case (although simply going elsewhere wouldn't be that necessarily).
I'm just thinking out-loud, you know--in the end we're apt to do Christmas this year the way we always have.
I appreciate the replies, I am reading them & contemplating them from every possible angle.
One thing: besides that my wife is pondering us going & doing our own thing without any of them this Sunday during Thanksgiving--as someone said, filling your life full of people who actually want to be with you or whatever--I am also tempted to cancel us having Christmas this year. This would be the 4th year we've hosted it. I've pondered either us no longer hosting it at all, letting the mother-in-law host it if she feels like it or whatever, and possibly even not having anything to do with any of them at all. Or, alternatively, I've actually pondered inviting the parents over and the brother but specifically excluding the sister & her kids completely from it altogether.
I'm going to guess that would be easily be as petty as what she's doing, and probably even more. The thing is, though, I can't find it in myself to just pretend like everything's okay. It's sort of a thing of "why bother coming over on Christmas if you can't be bothered to do so the entire rest of the year & you live 20 minutes down the road & we've even offered to do the transporting of the kids?" I guess, though, that would be just as immature, if not more so. The idea is to be happy to see them whenever they can be persuaded & to be sure don't spoil Christmas-time of all things.
That said, experiences like these have it be to where we have pondered that if we were to become close friends with a new group of persons on that level of things, we might participate in Christmas with them as our own thing and do it that sort of way from now on, or spend Christmas at a homeless shelter helping the less fortunate or that sort of thing. I have family many hours away who nonetheless would be happy to have us, if it weren't for the distance I think we'd just do that instead this year.
The only thing is, besides that you want to not be petty, it's also that the parents especially (and the brother, to a lesser extent) are still totally okay by us, and there's no sense in shunning them over this. Also, not that how you LOOK is the main thing, but that said, we'd sure look like the horse's rear-ends in such a case (although simply going elsewhere wouldn't be that necessarily).
I'm just thinking out-loud, you know--in the end we're apt to do Christmas this year the way we always have.
You can't host a family Christmas and not invite some of the family -- well, you can, but this situation doesn't merit that. And yes, it is petty.
If I can make a suggestion, it sounds like perhaps this is affecting you a bit more than it should. I understand -- family resentment is its own ball of cheese and can easily spiral into a stressful situation. Particularly around the holidays. There have been a couple of holiday seasons that I thought various members of my husband's family were going to need alibis by the time all was said and done, but we muddled through.
The things you're suggesting -- making non-family friends, volunteering for the less fortunate, visiting your family -- they're all good ideas, and things you should consider doing even if this situation is resolved.
Are you close to your own family? I know you're not close in distance, but if you grew up in a family that was emotionally close, it can be weird to then marry into a family where not everyone is close (or anyone). That's what happened to me. My husband has a complicated immediate family lay-out, and while some members are close to other members, some have, at best, a cordial relationship...and at worst...well, I mentioned the alibis. It was jarring to me at first, but there are ways to navigate once you figure out the various dynamics.
If the wife's family has always been this way, it's unlikely to change and accepting that will go a long way towards your happiness. Your kids might like playing with their cousins, but I'm willing to bet that they'll also like playing with other kids too, once they meet them. Kids are remarkably resilient, particularly at that age.
Respectfully, I'd back off and not try so hard. It's a lovely notion to have one big happy family of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. but that's not as easy as it once was and people's expectations are different now for a variety of reasons. I would not encourage having a sit-down between your wife and sister-in-law. It's pointless and many people would not want to say what they think anyway. Do what you normally do for Christmas without excluding anyone and if some people don't come just take it in stride. Good luck to you!
Just because people are relatives, it doesn't mean that they will like each other or get along. She just probably doesn't like her. Period. You don't have to do anything bad in particular to rub someone the wrong way. Some people are just not...just don't have the right chemistry with other people and are...offputting...shall we say.
For example, I don't like people with a bubbly personality. They can be very nice, but they just kind of annoy me a bit. So I try to stay away. I will help them when they need help, I will be nice to them. But I just don't want to be around them.
About favoritism, yes, people do that. Even though in theory it's not supposed to happen. But in practice it's much more easier and convenient and pleasant to pick and choose. It's kind of like not inviting certain people to your party because you know that they will be a bad addition to it. Maybe these other kids don't play well together and it's best to have them separated.
Hopefully though, there are other measures taken to make them feel accepted, maybe they go to a different gathering or get some other treat at a different time.
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