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^^sounds good in theory but she is supposed to empty her lunch box every day so we can wash the plastic containers we use for sandwiches and fruit. If she doesn't then there is nothing to use the next day for her and her sister.
have you ever smelled a rotten banana in a book bag? It wasn't even in her lunch bag. For one thing it is a waste of good food and for another thing I'm not going to buy her a new book bag cause her bag is ruined with rotten food.
We are not controlling. Do you think asking these things is controlling/ Really? She chooses her own clothes and shoes, hair style, makes her own lunch every day, chooses if she wants to walk to school or get a ride, whether or not to wear a jacket and all sorts of choices she has. But when her chices or lack of consideration means difficulty for the rest of the family or problems with her teacher and incomplete homework then believe me, I will take over.
Yes, you are controlling. She is 11. Make her responsible for her own lunch, and that means putting her lunch together before school, cleaning out her lunch bag and washing her plastic containers. 2 weeks of "discipline" for a MINOR issue is WAY, WAY over the top. From this post and every other post you have made, you are a very controlling parent even if you do not think so. Lighten up a bit. They are 11, not 2. Natural consequences. If she doesn't clean her bag and it smells, let HER deal with it, not you. If she has to clean out a smelly, moldy bag, that will be the last time she forgets to clean it out. If you make her "place it at your feet" and take care of that for her, why would she clean it out when she knows you will do it for her?
As for her learning disabilities being the problem--as long as you let her or you use that as an excuse, they most certainly will be her problem.
Let me make a few things clear. AS I HAVE STATED BEFORE.
My children have been making their own lunches since they were in 2nd grade.They also help clean up the kitchen after meals which means they wash out their own lunch containers. She is the one who chose the banana- not me. We let her be in charge of emptying her bags until the mud room reeked of rotten banana and her teachers started calling us wanting to know where things were. Clearly something had to change.
(A reminder to those who have followed this story. She is the same kid who would not follow proper personal hygiene and her underpants were frequently stained. We started having her wash out her own underpants at the utility sink in the laundry room. This seemed to work.)
The teachers and I correspond by e mail but they still send things home which need to be signed and if she does not give them to us we are the ones who get "in trouble". tHE EMPTY YOUR BAG IN FRONT OF ME WAS ONLY AFTER HAVING HER BE IN CHARGE OF EMPTYING IT HERSELF WAS NOT WORKING.
The multi week punishments are accumulations for offences.
For example she failed to give back to the teacher something we signed and the teacher had us make a trip to the school to deliver it on time. No way were we going to let that go so she was given no screen time for the rest of the week. Then there was something else- staying out past dark without telling us where she was. We had to track her down with phone calls.We were quite worried. She was at a neighbors house and the neighbor didn't even know she was there until she poked her head in her daughters bedroom. They were playing My Little Ponies and time got away from her. . So we added on another week of screen time restriction.
She get increments back for good behavior which pleases her very much.
I am interested in helpful suggestions but please read the entire thread before posting criticisms which show you have not.
yes she has iep. We have meetings all the time. Not sure what you mean. We were given suggestions to help her excel in things other than academics which we do with cooking, running, piano lessons, legos, etc. She also gets pulled out of class for some special help. They gave suggestions about how to help with homework which we follow.
yes she has iep. We have meetings all the time. Not sure what you mean. We were given suggestions to help her excel in things other than academics which we do with cooking, running, piano lessons, legos, etc. She also gets pulled out of class for some special help. They gave suggestions about how to help with homework which we follow.
I meant work with them to figure out how to support home/school communication? Maybe a dumb idea.
DD is 11, has a slight learning disability but is very sweet and mostly hard working even though she struggles in school. Pre teen defiance has raised it's ugly head. We've had troubles with her not emptying her lunch box or book bag when she comes home from school. She sometimes "forgets" to give us notes from her teacher and vice versa. We find rotten bananas in her book bag. Now she is required to put her book bag at my feet when she comes home so we don't miss anything. She was punished with 2 weeks of no screen time-computer, TV, Wii after this particular issue ended up with our missing something really important. Then it was expanded to 3 weeks when her sister found unfinished homework in the trash.
Suggestions?
Put the box at your feet.. Talk about control. She is 11 y.o. Why can't you just look in the box?
Yes we require her to bow deeply, kiss our rings and utter "Here dear parental units- I bring to you my school book bag for your careful inspection. May I please go now to consume my perfectly healthy snack before you shackle me to the chair to work on homework for 6 hours straight? Thank you oh esteemed parental units. I will forever be grateful for your perfect parenting."
Should I be more literal? She is required to bring her back pack to me or her father directly and not leave it in the mud room which is what has caused us all so much grief. After she unpacks it and we discuss the contents and sign what needs to be signed she takes the bookbag back to her hook in the mud room.
Usually when she comes home from school I am working at my computer and she drops it at my feet, sits down on the floor to pet the dogs and we discuss her day. Sheeeeeesh.............
How about switching to canned fruit for a little while? I know it's not as nutritious as fresh fruit, but it's less likely to leave nasty residue, even if an unwashed empty can remains in her bag for a while. if remnants of the sticky juice get on her school work, so be it: let her deal with any consequences.
If you must send fresh fruit with her, try apples - their cores are far less messy than rotten bananas. If she throws a fit and wants bananas back, tough - she can have a banana after school, when you can keep an eye on what becomes of it.
Pick your battles, and set the scene for success. Avoid obvious pitfalls whenever possible.
Can her teacher send you emails or texted copies of her assignments? Perhaps this is something your daughter's IEP might take into account...
I don't think you're being overly controlling at all, having read your posts on various topics - particularly adoption - for a long time. You are just very concerned for your daughter's success in learning to care for herself appropriately and grow in independence and responsibility as much as possible. So - avoid areas which quickly can become adversarial, and learn to work around them instead of forcing the issues.
There's a blog about a large family with many internationally and domestically adopted children, some of whom have similar issues to those of your daughter, and the mom is quite frank about how she's handled some of these problems - see "Smiles and Trials". You might find some new approaches that would be helpful.
Put the box at your feet.. Talk about control. She is 11 y.o. Why can't you just look in the box?
Have you really read this thread?? This little girl does not operate like a typical eleven year old, so techniques which work well with typical kids are not effective with her.
Thank you Craig Creek. I appreciate your support and suggestions. I will check out the mentioned blog.
I always have lots of choice for the girls and they "usually" pick a fresh fruit but I do also have dried fruit like apricots, figs, raisins, banana chips. Sometimes they ask me to open a can of packed in- fruit -juice fruit cocktail so they can put some in some neat little containers I found. I asked my doctor if she would let me have some of those screw top urine sample holders she keeps in the bathroom. (Now somebody will come on here claiming I make my kids eat urine soaked fruit!lol
These are easier for her to open without spilling than pop up containers and I think leak proof.
They both love those small apples in the 5 lb bag and we have pears, clementines-a big favorite, any berry I can find in season and the favorite of grapes. I never tell them which to pick- just have a fruit in their lunch every day. I'm usually not even in the kitchen when they make their own lunches.
Their lunches are usually a small sandwich made on a mini bagel or wrap with lettuce, cheese and meat, grape tomatoes, pretzels or gold fish or cheese-its or graham crackers or wheat thins and fruit. Usually they like their fruit at snack time around 9-10 at school. The school is very strict about no junk food. This makes me very happy.
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Put the box at your feet.. Talk about control. She is 11 y.o. 
Why can't you just look in the box?
