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There isn't a thing you can do about it because she's 18.
You kick her out and she'll do the same.
You set down rules she won't listen.
You kick her out because she won't listen and she's still out doing stuff that worries you.
It's a lose-lose situation.
WRONG.
There is plenty Mom could do, if she made up her mind to.
Wow, yeah...when you put yourself out there, living that kind of lifestyle, for your kid to see...well, pot, meet kettle!
Good luck. You screwed up in a huge, huge way. What's the golden rule of parenting? MODEL the behaviors you want your children to imitate. Good job, Mom. You taught her everything you knew...(then).
Ya pretty much got 2 choices, be a hypocrite, or explain to your daughter why (with a few details) you are desperate that she not turn out like you....
Guess what, OP....you should really read that last few sentences. How does it feel? Hell, you did the same damn thing to HER for most of her 18 years on this earth. How many times did you put her through what you're going through right now!? Think about it. YOU...can't help her. People using YOU as an example of why she should change her behavior?.....that might help a little. You terminated your parental rights a long time ago, when you chose your friends and "substances" over your child.
Whoa, this is WAY out of line. The OP *terminated her parental rights* by drinking and sowing her wild oats (whatever that means)? She put her daughter through hell? How do you know all this?
I've known lots of terrible parents. They don't feed their kids, their kids have fetal alcohol syndrome, they abuse their kids or leave them with child abusers. You can reserve your moral outrage for them.
Whoa, this is WAY out of line. The OP *terminated her parental rights* by drinking and sowing her wild oats (whatever that means)? She put her daughter through hell? How do you know all this?
I've known lots of terrible parents. They don't feed their kids, their kids have fetal alcohol syndrome, they abuse their kids or leave them with child abusers. You can reserve your moral outrage for them.
My sister's husband, who was her high school sweetheart she has been with for over 30 years, suffered serious neglect due to his mother being a party girl. She didn't learn this from her husband. He doesn't speak of it. His sister raised him. She's only a few years older then him. A baby raising a baby. My first husband had a similar life. His mother would disappear for months, leaving his sister to care for him and his brother who were just a couple of years younger than her. They scraped crumbs together for meals. Who the heck do you think feeds kids when their parents aren't home because they're out drinking and partying?
Seriously? You don't know what sowing her wild oats means? It's sex. Lots of sex. With lots of people. Probably bringing them home and exposing the daughter to all of those strangers, who very well could have been child molesters while the OP was passed out drunk. How do we have a clue of these things? The OP herself said her daughter had a "crappy upbringing" due to the OP's drinking and oat sowing. Parents don't normally say their children had crappy a upbringing unless they feel incredibly guilty about truly being awful parents.
Seriously? You don't know what sowing her wild oats means? It's sex. Lots of sex. With lots of people. Probably bringing them home and exposing the daughter to all of those strangers, who very well could have been child molesters while the OP was passed out drunk...
I know what wild oats are, but not whether she had three long affairs in 10 years or a different guy every night. I don't know whether she had two glasses of wine a day or was too ****-faced to get from the bedroom to the bathroom. There are many reasons why someone might feel guilty about giving their child a poor upbringing, especially if they aren't happy with the results.
I know what wild oats are, but not whether she had three long affairs in 10 years or a different guy every night.
She said, "drinking, going out to sow wild oats at 40, etc." That's picking guys up in the bar. Not three relationships in 10 years. What you call "long affairs," women call relationships or boyfriends. They don't call it "going out to sow wild oats." Sow wild oats means MANY sexual encounters with different people.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Siegel
There are many reasons why someone might feel guilty about giving their child a poor upbringing, especially if they aren't happy with the results.
Whoa, this is WAY out of line. The OP *terminated her parental rights* by drinking and sowing her wild oats (whatever that means)? She put her daughter through hell? How do you know all this?
I've known lots of terrible parents. They don't feed their kids, their kids have fetal alcohol syndrome, they abuse their kids or leave them with child abusers. You can reserve your moral outrage for them.
No it's not --- the OP started saying just that, she admits she didn't discipline and set a bad example. So that's a given and why the OP needs to take the kind of approach that poster suggests.
She can't come across as the stern and prim and proper parent now, that would look like hypocrisy. The OP is scared for her daughter's safety --- and yes, she is still a parent, she does care. That's how she needs to approach it, maybe discuss some of the things she's encountered or the dangers she knows.
When a girl is using drugs and meeting strangers, she's putting herself at great risk, just like in the example where the daughter just wanted to come home but didn't know how. The mom needs to explain to her daughter why she's very worried for her.
I do not understand how slamming the OP is in any way productive.
It is never too late to turn things around.
This parent is admitting they are not perfect, and has regrets.
I don't take that as an open invitation to remind them of what they SHOULD have done, then bash them for not having done it in the first place. The OP has already said they should have done better, it already happened, it's regretful, but that is in the past...
time to go forward now and deal with the present situation.
By going to a parenting forum, I believe a parent is asking for constructive input on how to get help, encouragement, advice, suggestions and resources to hopefully get things on the right track. They want to try to make the situation better for the present, and for the future. I hope each of us can add to the conversation to give advice or suggestions to help rather than bash this parent.
To the OP: Recognizing the problem, and caring enough to do something about it is the biggest step, and you are doing that. You want to make things better and help her get life on track, that's good.
Start by taking back the power that you have relinquished.
Even if you (and your daughter) feel you never had the power in the first place, you do now. YOU are the parent. She is your child, an adult age child, but a child nonetheless.
It is never too late to set the rules of the house.
When you do have that talk, you may want to say that things are not working the way they are now, at all. She is your daughter and you love her, and you are scared and worried when she is not taking care of herself. You may say that while you may not have been perfect in the past, you are doing your best now, and that you want better for her, because she deserves it, and so do you.
Let her know, things have to change, and they have to change immediately.
Then comes what may seem like the hard part for you, but very necessary, and that is setting down some rules of the house, rules that she must stick to, no excuses. Tell her what you expect of her, and the consequences for not following through with those rules. You must decide what that will be, just be consistent and firm, and don't give in. It will be tough for you initially, because she will be angry about the changes, but be firm, she is not thinking maturely right now, because she obviously doesn't know what is best for her. You do.
It may get worse before it gets better, because she won't believe you at first. She will try to continue with what behaviors you have allowed thus far, but you must tough it out. Stick with it, no matter what.
You are finally putting your foot down, and taking change now because she is your daughter, you want her safe, you care about her, and you want her to have a good future.
Stay strong, you can do this. Nothing is more important in this world than having your child safe, healthy and knowing that she is loved and valued.
Show her that, by being the parent you wish you had been, and start today.
Whoa, this is WAY out of line. The OP *terminated her parental rights* by drinking and sowing her wild oats (whatever that means)? She put her daughter through hell? How do you know all this?
I've known lots of terrible parents. They don't feed their kids, their kids have fetal alcohol syndrome, they abuse their kids or leave them with child abusers. You can reserve your moral outrage for them.
There are many, many forms of child abuse and neglect. Shame is only one of them. Sorry, but I'm a "Duck Dynasty" kind of gal. I believe in loving and caring for each other. I also believe in NOT wasting time and energy on ridiculous namby pamby words.
This OP has admitted (as it's been pointed out to you) to drinking and sowing her wild oats (at 40)... yes, was this after a marriage broke up?....or was she STILL sowing her wild oats at 40? Heck, I've got a SIL who had 5 different kids from 5 different men, was still "sowing her wild oats" at the age of...oh, I don't know.....um, yesterday?......and she's over 60 years old.
You can be sure that this poor 18 y/o was under the impression that "sowing wild oats" and drinking, MUST be fulfilling...after all, mummy does it all the time. Hmmm
Sorry...time for a whole lot of soul searching, contemplation and being T-R-U-T-H-F-U-L to her (now grown) daughter. It's time for mom to put a whole lotta garbage on the table, admit to a whole lotta mistakes, plead with her daughter for forgiveness, show true remorse, then show her daughter that she's truly willing to try to help HER (daughter), figure out why she's doing what she's doing and help her to find alternative ways to cope with her feelings.
I am open, honest, and TRUTHFUL with my kids. There are obviously a few details of my life, which my children will never know...ever...unless I develop alzheimers and totally forget who I'm talking to That said, when my kids came/come to me to talk....and my kids DO....all of them, three of them are boys/men...they always know they're going to get the absolute truth. They might not always like what they're going to hear, but they TRUST me and they RESPECT me. Because of those things...they BELIEVE me and they LISTEN to me. Again....they T-R-U-S-T me and know that I love them, more than anyone else on Earth. I have never brought them shame. I have always been here for them.
When 85% of the parents around me were going to bars after work, going out dancing and drinking in the evenings, MY children's parents were with them. When other young parents were having "keggers" at their houses, we opted for BBQs filled with friends, games and lots of really great food. We chose who we spent our time with and what we spent our time doing...wisely. We wanted our children to feel like they were important to us. You spend time with what you hold dear. The OP showed her daughter who/what she held dear. The daughter isn't stupid. She's lost...completely and utterly lost. They both are.
It's time for the OP to sit that adult girl of hers down and BAWL. She needs to heal herself, by explaining to her daughter WHY she was living the way she was....that she was searching for ____, or desperately trying to deal with pain/depression/past, etc. The OP was hurting too...lost, searching for something to help her cope or make her happy. It's time for them both to heal and if done right, they can both come out of this far stronger and wiser and happier than they've ever been before. It has to be done right. There is no time for pride or fluff. It's time for some truth. I know it's not the PC thing to do these days...but it's still the RIGHT thing to do!
I am open, honest, and TRUTHFUL with my kids. There are obviously a few details of my life, which my children will never know...ever...unless I develop alzheimers and totally forget who I'm talking to
Or hope that those few details are also what you forgot if you develop alzheimers. That reminds me of what a woman at work was saying about her dad who developed that. He had always been upstanding, prim and proper, even on the prudish side. After he got alzheimers, they had some problems taking him out in public. One time at church he was observing some woman and loudly blurted out "look at them knockers!".
His daughter said they couldn't figure out if he was always lecherous and just repressed it or it that came on with the disease.
And yes, when this is the situation, the parent can just be honest and discuss the dangers and she can use her own experiences, things she's seen first hand.
My mom was definitely not a partier -- but she warned us that at parties we should never leave our drinks unattended and that bad types of people might put drugs in drinks. That was where I rolled my eyes thinking "and what does my mom know about parties..... much less drugs.." Then I got to college and some guy was telling us how someone slipped LSD into his drink and how messed up it made him.
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That said, when my kids came/come to me to talk....and my kids DO....all of them, three of them are boys/men...they always know they're going to get the absolute truth. They might not always like what they're going to hear, but they TRUST me and they RESPECT me. Because of those things...they BELIEVE me and they LISTEN to me. Again....they T-R-U-S-T me and know that I love them, more than anyone else on Earth. I have never brought them shame. I have always been here for them. 
