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If my children end up returning home as adults, I will provide a roof over their heads, utilities, and food. I will expect them to pay for everything else. That's how my parents did it. It wasn't even something that needed to be discussed. I don't even recall there ever being a conversation about it. It was understood that we always had a place to stay and food to eat, but everything else was a want, not a need, and we needed to provide for our wants ourselves. We never too advantage. We only stayed at our parents house a few months here and there while we were apartment hunting whenever we returned to the area after living out of town.
OP- Just how long do you wish to permit this situation to continue ? Right now you daughter has it made. She works part time, which isn't much. Makes just enough money to pay for her own entertainment with friends, maybe buy a new piece of clothing now and then.
She depends on you to support her, others for rides, etc. Contributes nothing to the house. Other than maybe clean her room & do her own laundry ( I hope she does those things ) I bet she doesn't lift a finger to do anything else.
So how long is this expected to continue- is she still going to be at this level of irresponsibility at 23, 25 28, etc. Have you sat down with her and discussed any long range plans ?
I would give her six months to figure out what she is going to do for the immediate future. I'd give her the choice of enrolling in school full time, full course load or getting a full time job. She gets to live at home only if she is enrolled and passing her classes at that full course load. She gets to live at home only if she works full time. Figure out what you would like her to pay toward her upkeep and what chores she would do as part of her living in the household if she is working full time..
If she just wants to work part time with no more schooling, then she has those six months to figure out where she's going to live, because it won't be with you. It is very important not to enable her . Kids don't have to leave the nest all at once, they can go slowly. However, you daughter is not perched on the edge of the nest, getting ready to leave. Instead she is sinking back into getting cozy in the nest with no intention of taking on any adult responsibilities.
It seems that she grew up with everything handed to her. She's made half hearted attempts at college,
has car, cell phone, etc. given to her. Maybe she's a bit spoiled and feels entitled to do nothing. But who created that situation ? Now it's time to change it and it's going to be hard- on all three of you.
However, if you don't stop enabling then you can expect your daughter to continue on like this maybe for decades. A female, part time, minimum wage earner is the very bottom of the economic heap in today's world. It's an ugly future. Mom & dad wont be around supporting her forever, what is she going to do?.
In this day and age, your daughter needs to get some sort of education - whether it's traditional academia or vocational/technical.
She needs to find out what she can succeed at. Would she do better at online classes? Most reputable four year universities offer online degrees - even community colleges.
Or is she more hands on and would do better in a vocational setting? Cosmetology school? Dental Hygienist?
Hello, I'm hoping for some advise. I looked up other questions but I have some difference in my case so,
I wanted to see what people thought.
20 years daughter, was suspended from community college for failing her classes. Mind you she only took 3. Therefore they will NOT let her return for the Spring semester. (she also failed last year her freshman year again only taking 3 classes at a time).
Here's where the problem is. She has not had to pay us for anything while living here at home.
We had a car for her to use (which was totaled in an accident thank God she was fine)
but we paid for Insurance, gas and maintenance.
Her cell phone bill and all its data (family plan - put its still extra because we have 5 ppl on the plan.
plus all her living expenses.
She got a job about 6 months ago part-time minimum wage, and requires getting rides to and from.
My husband and I told her it was NO charge while in school. Now she will have to pay for things as part of the adult process.
We just don't know how much to ask her to pay. Any and all ideas much appreciated !
Enough rent that moving out looks attractive. You should stop paying any of her bills. Do not pay for her cell phone. If she doesn't pay for it, cancel her line. Charge her room and board that covers her food, shampoo, laundry soap...whatever... and her portion of the utilities. She's not in school anymore. THere's no reason she can't work more hours or even take a second job if she needs to.
Good luck. It's time for some tough love and it's harder on us than them even though you'd never know it by the way they whine.
Hopefully, by next September she will have decided that school is a better option and take is seriously this time.
Hello, I'm hoping for some advise. I looked up other questions but I have some difference in my case so,
I wanted to see what people thought.
20 years daughter, was suspended from community college for failing her classes. Mind you she only took 3. Therefore they will NOT let her return for the Spring semester. (she also failed last year her freshman year again only taking 3 classes at a time).
Here's where the problem is. She has not had to pay us for anything while living here at home.
We had a car for her to use (which was totaled in an accident thank God she was fine)
but we paid for Insurance, gas and maintenance.
Her cell phone bill and all its data (family plan - put its still extra because we have 5 ppl on the plan.
plus all her living expenses.
She got a job about 6 months ago part-time minimum wage, and requires getting rides to and from.
My husband and I told her it was NO charge while in school. Now she will have to pay for things as part of the adult process.
We just don't know how much to ask her to pay. Any and all ideas much appreciated !
So, I guess you're asking for advice with parenting. I've never been a parent but I was in your daughters situation when I was 20 years old. I dropped out of college mainly due to social anxiety. I lived at home and had a low wage job. From my parents point of view my life was directionless.
Thankfully, my parents gave me some time to work it out and I returned to college a year later. A few years after that I had my BA. I think if my parents would have come down hard on me during that time it would have made it much more difficult for me to get myself back on the right path.
Maybe you should find out if something is troubling your daughter. A lot of kids that age have a tough time transitioning into adult life. Why is she failing her classes? Is she a smart girl that just isn't applying herself? Or has she never done well at school? If its the latter then maybe college is not for her.
To be honest, I wouldn't ask her to pay any rent unless its a financial necessity for your family. I'd be more interested in helping her get back on the right path.
We have a college-age child still living at home (she commutes). She has several part-time jobs (and has from the beginning of her college years). It has always been our policy that if our children wanted a cell phone they would have to pay the difference in our bill to add their phone (and usage) to our plan. She has also been required to pay her car insurance if she wanted to drive. Between her various jobs she covers her cell phone, car insurance, gas for the car, shopping (clothes, DVDs, toiletries, special foods), entertainment and her college textbooks.
We do not have her pay any money towards rent or the family grocery bill as room and board is one way we are able to afford for her to get her college education.
The big difference here is that yours is in college. I'd pay for a lot of things to help my kids get through college. In the OP's situation, not so much.
Hello, I'm hoping for some advise. I looked up other questions but I have some difference in my case so,
I wanted to see what people thought.
20 years daughter, was suspended from community college for failing her classes. Mind you she only took 3. Therefore they will NOT let her return for the Spring semester. (she also failed last year her freshman year again only taking 3 classes at a time).
Here's where the problem is. She has not had to pay us for anything while living here at home.
We had a car for her to use (which was totaled in an accident thank God she was fine)
but we paid for Insurance, gas and maintenance.
Her cell phone bill and all its data (family plan - put its still extra because we have 5 ppl on the plan.
plus all her living expenses.
She got a job about 6 months ago part-time minimum wage, and requires getting rides to and from.
My husband and I told her it was NO charge while in school. Now she will have to pay for things as part of the adult process.
We just don't know how much to ask her to pay. Any and all ideas much appreciated !
Hopefully, you can keep her on your health insurance until she is 26. You can let her go without health insurance, but if something happens, you're the one getting a second mortgage on the house, draining your retirement savings. Might as well keep her insured if you can. It protects you as well as your daughter.
Other than that, she needs to pay her own way. New Years is a perfect time to sit down with her and work out a plan. Say it costs you $2000/month to run your house (mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, WiFi.. ) then 1/5 of that would be $400 -- her share. 1/5 of the cell phone bill ($43/month at our house). $20/week to help with gas and auto expenses. If she eats with the family, then she needs to share in the cooking and cleaning up. Which meals would she prefer to be in charge of?
As this will likely consume her entire monthly income, she may protest. But she is unlikely to find a better deal out there. Sure, she might be able to find a roommate situation that costs less than $400/month. But probably not much less and I'd be darn surprised if she'd find a roommate willing to drive her to work.
You can save the $400/month if you like to help her buy a car at some point. No need to tell her about this, but it can help you be firmer about it knowing where the money is going eventually.
The trick is what to do if she just doesn't pay up. You can explain that you will need to cancel her cell phone line if she doesn't pay her share. $100/week for room and board is mighty affordable. If she can't hustle this together, perhaps she needs to take on more shifts or another job. You will likely need to connect with her on payday to make sure she is keeping up with her bills.
You might want to get her a copy of Nickle and Dimed. Great book that explores how difficult it is to make ends meet on minimum wage jobs.
In any case, it is her life. You have helped her along best you can, but she is 18 now and has decided to blow off getting a college education. So you need to support her getting an education in the school of life.
Inevitably, she will announce she is moving in with friend(s). Wish her well. Living with others is an eye opening experience. Save her spot at Sunday dinner, but quickly turn her room into a TV room/den, hobby worksop, whatever. When she announces that things have not worked out and she will be moving back home, offer her the couch for a short stay.
Bill Cosby once did a great riff on this. It might be helpful to track it down. Get you in the mood for what's ahead.
The longer she can hang around home working part-time jobs, the longer it will take her to get her ducks in a row and figure out a way to support herself.
By the way, many young people wander for years waiting for career inspiration to strike them. Others realize that they may have several different careers in a lifetime and its best to get started on one, even if it isn't the perfect one. The ones who have to support themselves generally fall in the second group.
That old line about a tough economy and how hard it is to find a job doesn't fly with me. 90+% of people are working, tough economy or not.
Hopefully, you can keep her on your health insurance until she is 26. You can let her go without health insurance, but if something happens, you're the one getting a second mortgage on the house, draining your retirement savings. Might as well keep her insured if you can. It protects you as well as your daughter.
Other than that, she needs to pay her own way. New Years is a perfect time to sit down with her and work out a plan. Say it costs you $2000/month to run your house (mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, WiFi.. ) then 1/5 of that would be $400 -- her share. 1/5 of the cell phone bill ($43/month at our house). $20/week to help with gas and auto expenses. If she eats with the family, then she needs to share in the cooking and cleaning up. Which meals would she prefer to be in charge of?
As this will likely consume her entire monthly income, she may protest. But she is unlikely to find a better deal out there. Sure, she might be able to find a roommate situation that costs less than $400/month. But probably not much less and I'd be darn surprised if she'd find a roommate willing to drive her to work.
You can save the $400/month if you like to help her buy a car at some point. No need to tell her about this, but it can help you be firmer about it knowing where the money is going eventually.
The trick is what to do if she just doesn't pay up. You can explain that you will need to cancel her cell phone line if she doesn't pay her share. $100/week for room and board is mighty affordable. If she can't hustle this together, perhaps she needs to take on more shifts or another job. You will likely need to connect with her on payday to make sure she is keeping up with her bills.
You might want to get her a copy of Nickle and Dimed. Great book that explores how difficult it is to make ends meet on minimum wage jobs.
In any case, it is her life. You have helped her along best you can, but she is 18 now and has decided to blow off getting a college education. So you need to support her getting an education in the school of life.
Inevitably, she will announce she is moving in with friend(s). Wish her well. Living with others is an eye opening experience. Save her spot at Sunday dinner, but quickly turn her room into a TV room/den, hobby worksop, whatever. When she announces that things have not worked out and she will be moving back home, offer her the couch for a short stay.
Bill Cosby once did a great riff on this. It might be helpful to track it down. Get you in the mood for what's ahead.
The longer she can hang around home working part-time jobs, the longer it will take her to get her ducks in a row and figure out a way to support herself.
Which is something everybody needs to do.
Good luck.
Actually since the child is an adult and with little income, what many people do is just let Medicaid pay for everything if something should happen.
I wanted to clarify that I would not let my child go w/o medical insurance. I would make an itemized list of expenses that have been listed here and their $ amounts. It would likely be more than she could afford, or would cost her every dime she made. Hopefully that would inspire her to take college more seriously or learn a trade. If she goes back to school (any type) I'd cut back on what she had to pay for.
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