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Do you ever have time just to take him out and have some fun? You need to build a relationship and that means that you need to spend time with him doing something both of you like to do.
We almost never have any time, we did sometimes when we both worked 3rd shift and had the same 3 days off together. Now that she is on 1st shift, it is almost impossible... I'm trying to be moved to 1st shift as well now because it will help things out a lot.
...As for his feet on me, I just don't like it because I feel that feet are nasty and you wouldn't want your kids sticking their feet on you or your friends/neighbors because you let them do it growing up would you?...
I don't think you are going to like my answer, but I feel that someone else placing their bare feet on my lap on the couch is showing affection. Or by my placing my feet on them, I feel I am being affectionate. And I have no problem with kids doing that either. I also allow the dogs on the couch.
Note I tend to notice kid's bare feet if they are within "tickling distance" and I have been known to tickle those feet if they get too close!
Anyway here is a classic example of where I might feel one way about bare feet on the couch and you feel another way. It is reasonable to me if you were visiting my house for you to say that you prefer to not have any bare feet on or near you. I would respect that and tell any kids present to please keep their feet away from you.
And I would know about what you liked or did not like by communicating / discussing it. So that is a very good thing to do! You could come over, say "No feet please!", then there would be no feet and we all could have a good time.
The alternative is to not discuss it, you feel uncomfortable - maybe get ticked - not good!
P.S. When talking about things like this, do so with the TV off and cell phones off!
I'm a neat/clean person, and she isn't so much. She has a bad habit of changing clothes and leaving them all over the floor and bathroom, and her 5 year old son pretty much follows in her footsteps of everything she does and throws his clothes everywhere too. I was cleaning it all up, but it was pretty much an every day thing so I stopped and decided I'd just focus on keeping my things together/clean and neat.
Now it drives me crazy, and it also makes me depressed and keeps me in a bad mood to live in a mess all the time. When I mentioned some "standards" to her, she told me not to try and change her so now I'm not really sure how to address the situation. If she can't keep her clothes picked up and be neater, how can I make her son do it when she can't enforce it?
You can't change someone else. I don't mind a mess and no other person is going to change me. Anyone who lives with me has to accept that I tolerate a bit of a mess. They can either accept it or not. You can accept her the way she is or find someone else. Those are your choices. She will not change for you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ka7mayne
Now I feel that her 5 year old son should be capable of throwing his clothes in the hamper and not the floor when he changes, and her too! I think he is old enough to put his toys away before bed, to put his socks/shoes behind the living room door when he comes in so we're not stressing out trying to find out what he did with them last minute when we're leaving to go somewhere.
He is constantly climbing in our laps, and he digs his feet into us when he is beside us on the couch. Personally, I think his feet should be off the couch period and definitely not on us. I have a problem with him walking/climbing on the couch/bed and I tell him not to. It seems like anytime we tell him no he can't have or do something, he starts crying and pitching a fit.
- I don't think I'm a strict parent, I just feel that he is old enough to follow rules and do what we say. Now with a child of my/our own on it's way... They must both be treated the same, and have the same rules eventually which I'll need her support in making her son mind better.
There is so much more to say and post, but please reply and I'll talk about other things as well.
You aren't going to make her care and as a result her 5 year old probably won't care either. I would not stay with her if I were you. You are not suited for each other.
That is how I was looking at it, but she has left me in the position of taking him to school... From school, watching him while she works... I work from 9PM-6AM and have to stay awake until 4:30/5PM and I have to wake up at 7PM to get ready and pick my sister up and be at work at 9PM.
I'm usually only getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep, and working 3rd shift that is a KILLER.
IMHO, your girlfriend is being unreasonable. Getting by on 2-3 hours of sleep may literally be a KILLER. Please explain that to her in a way that she can understand (ie. convert the hours to her schedule). "Honey, imagine if every single day YOU only get to sleep from 4 AM to 6AM and the rest of the time you are working or providing child care? " A lot of people ready don't understand working third shift. They sort of imagine that if they are sleeping everyone is sleeping, too.
Who took the five year old to school before you moved in two months ago? Who cared for him in the afternoon?You need to sleep, perhaps he needs to go back to his old school & child care schedule. If she has trouble affording child care she should be insisting that the biological father is up to date on his child support.
Sadly, I have seen many situations where once a new boyfriend enters a mother's life she stops trying to get child support from the biological father and just assumes that the new boyfriend will pay for everything. Maybe this is not true in your situation, but I have seen it happen often.
His biological father has responsibility for his son until he turns 18, just like you will have responsibility for your new child until he/she turns 18. The Mom needs to get the courts involved if necessary. Keep in mind that just because Dad may be unemployed or a dead beat Dad right now, his situation may change. Five or ten years from now he may have a great job and be able to pay back all of the child support that he missed earlier in the child's life.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-01-2014 at 11:14 AM..
IMHO, your girlfriend is being unreasonable. Getting by on 2-3 hours of sleep may literally be a KILLER. Please explain that to her in a way that she can understand (ie. convert the hours to her schedule). "Honey, imagine if every single day YOU only get to sleep from 4 AM to 6AM and the rest of the time you are working or providing child care? "
A lot of people ready don't understand working third shift. They sort of imagine that if they are sleeping everyone is sleeping, too.
Who took him to school before you moved in two months ago? Who cared for him in the afternoon? You need to sleep, perhaps he needs to go back to his old school & child care schedule. If she has trouble affording it she should be insisting that the biological father is up to date on his child support.
Sadly, I have seen many situations where once a new boyfriend enters a mother's life she stops trying to get child support from the biological father and just assumes that the new boyfriend will pay for everything. Maybe this is not true in your situation, but I have seen it happen often.
His biological father has responsibility for his son until he turns 18. The Mom needs to get the courts involved if necessary.
I've brought it up to her, because you see my mother passed away in May and it had a lot to do with her working 3rd shift and only sleeping 2-3 hours a day. She took medicine (ephedrine) to give her energy to work, and in May she had a heart attack and died a few weeks later.
When I brought this up to her, she just says how she has done it all these years and she is fine... Which my response is usually well you are his mother and sometimes you have to do these things.
However if I don't sleep, I can't function at work and I could lose my job because of it so I end up taking the same medicine my mother did to keep me going.
I've brought it up to her, because you see my mother passed away in May and it had a lot to do with her working 3rd shift and only sleeping 2-3 hours a day. She took medicine (ephedrine) to give her energy to work, and in May she had a heart attack and died a few weeks later.
When I brought this up to her, she just says how she has done it all these years and she is fine... Which my response is usually well you are his mother and sometimes you have to do these things.
However if I don't sleep, I can't function at work and I could lose my job because of it so I end up taking the same medicine my mother did to keep me going.
I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.
I really hate to say this, but if your GF is not understanding about your situation (not getting enough sleep and being forced to take drugs) especially after it caused your mother's death, she does not sound like a very nice person. In fact, she sounds like someone who really doesn't care if you live or die as long as shehas free child care. Seriously, think about it. Your mother actually died and she is telling you to do the same thing? Perhaps, you should rethink living together until she starts to care about you and your health.
When my husband worked third shift he saw many people in similar situations, taking drugs to stay awake or being sleepy on the job. I can't tell you have many times he came home and said "So and so was fired because they fell asleep again at work." Luckily, his job wasn't something where being sleepy was dangerous (he was a night watchman). But, a job where you needed to make life and death decisions or could involve your safety (nurse, police officer, truck driver, factory worker, etc,) you need to be alert at all times.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-01-2014 at 11:55 AM..
Dude... you were given some good, practical advice here, which was why I never posted anything until... you posted the circumstances under which you moved in, and how you're living. 2 months of dating and you moved in, AND live with her parents? WTH? No one told you that wasn't a smart thing to do? Who's living with who? Is she living with her parents, or are the parents living with her?
Now she's running roughshod all over you with all of her responsibilities leaving you with no sleep. And your main complaint is that they're leaving clothes on the floor and feet on the couch? Do you see what's wrong with this picture? Now I see how she was able to manipulate you into all of this. You're wearing a sign on your back that says "kick me."
You need to move the hell out of there and into your own place. Invite her to come along, under conditions that the 2 of you can agree on, and that means you get some sleep. You'll be in for a boatload of hell when that baby comes if you don't. Imagine how the place will be with dirty baby laundry lying all over the place. Not to mention toys and other baby paraphernalia littering the entire living space.
Coming from a very messy lazy person, I think you are right on most things. Everyone is in charge of the household. Everyone should be pitching in to make sure the household is picked up and clean so you don't have to waste hours of your life trying to fix it all. Giving children small little tasks like cleaning up should be viewed as fun. We do it with my daughter and she gets so excited and says "I help daddy! I help daddy!". It makes her feel a part of the process and things get done without having to beg and plead.
Putting something in a hamper and picking up here and there isn't something that takes a ton of energy and sure doesn't take much time. You have to sit down with her and have a real heart to heart. Say the way things are right now is not working. You are willing to compromise and figure something out that works for everyone. Have a REAL dialogue where both sides get to voice their opinions.
Dude... you were given some good, practical advice here, which was why I never posted anything until... you posted the circumstances under which you moved in, and how you're living. 2 months of dating and you moved in, AND live with her parents? WTH? No one told you that wasn't a smart thing to do? Who's living with who? Is she living with her parents, or are the parents living with her?
Now she's running roughshod all over you with all of her responsibilities leaving you with no sleep. And your main complaint is that they're leaving clothes on the floor and feet on the couch? Do you see what's wrong with this picture? Now I see how she was able to manipulate you into all of this. You're wearing a sign on your back that says "kick me."
You need to move the hell out of there and into your own place. Invite her to come along, under conditions that the 2 of you can agree on, and that means you get some sleep. You'll be in for a boatload of hell when that baby comes if you don't. Imagine how the place will be with dirty baby laundry lying all over the place. Not to mention toys and other baby paraphernalia littering the entire living space.
How could you have done this to yourself?
Excellent points.
It is important to think ahead to when the new baby arrives. If you are getting only 2 to 3 hours of sleep a day now, it could very easily change to virtually zero hours of sleep. And if your GF can't afford a few hours of after school care for a five year old (usually very reasonable fees for school age children) how will you & your GF be able to afford an extra $200 to $400 a week in infant child care costs? Yikes.
As the above poster stated there are many more important things to think about than dirty clothes on the floor and a five year old with dirty feet on the couch.
Time for some serious soul searching.
You are new to C-D, you will find many very knowledgeable people here, but be prepared that they may be pretty honest (sometimes, blunt) with their advice. Most of the advice is great and be prepared to really consider what people are saying.
Last edited by germaine2626; 01-01-2014 at 12:47 PM..
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