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Okay, I'm 25 years old and I moved in with my girlfriend about 2 months ago and found out she was pregnant shortly after. Now she already has a 5 year old son, his father left and hasn't seen them in 3 years. So, I'm completely new to the whole parenting thing and I'm trying to do my best but I have some concerns...
A little background first... She rents an apartment, and her father and step mother live there with her and her son and now myself as well. I used to stay and visit on my days off from work and things were fantastic. Now that I've moved in, I have noticed more things that I'd like to discuss and get some advice on.
I'm a neat/clean person, and she isn't so much. She has a bad habit of changing clothes and leaving them all over the floor and bathroom, and her 5 year old son pretty much follows in her footsteps of everything she does and throws his clothes everywhere too. I was cleaning it all up, but it was pretty much an every day thing so I stopped and decided I'd just focus on keeping my things together/clean and neat.
Now it drives me crazy, and it also makes me depressed and keeps me in a bad mood to live in a mess all the time. When I mentioned some "standards" to her, she told me not to try and change her so now I'm not really sure how to address the situation. If she can't keep her clothes picked up and be neater, how can I make her son do it when she can't enforce it?
That is pretty much the only problem I have with her, is just not being clean so off to the next topic...
Now I feel that her 5 year old son should be capable of throwing his clothes in the hamper and not the floor when he changes, and her too! I think he is old enough to put his toys away before bed, to put his socks/shoes behind the living room door when he comes in so we're not stressing out trying to find out what he did with them last minute when we're leaving to go somewhere.
He is constantly climbing in our laps, and he digs his feet into us when he is beside us on the couch. Personally, I think his feet should be off the couch period and definitely not on us. I have a problem with him walking/climbing on the couch/bed and I tell him not to. It seems like anytime we tell him no he can't have or do something, he starts crying and pitching a fit.
- I don't think I'm a strict parent, I just feel that he is old enough to follow rules and do what we say. Now with a child of my/our own on it's way... They must both be treated the same, and have the same rules eventually which I'll need her support in making her son mind better.
There is so much more to say and post, but please reply and I'll talk about other things as well.
The best thing which helped me when I was suddenly the parent of a 5 year old (via marriage), was the advice that BOTH PARENTS MUST HAVE THE SAME EXACT RULES! (And punishments for violations of those rules.)
You must agree with your girlfriend what the rules are (whatever). And then be consistent with those rules.
Doing that will turn a wild temper-tantrum 5 year old into a perfect angel! Seriously! Doing this also makes the kid feel secure.
Another thing is kids can be QUITE manipulative! You think adults are manipulative? Wait until you see what the 5 year old can do between you and your girlfriend! They will work it between the two of you. And again the solution to that is for both of you to be consistent with the rules. And if one parent says the kid can or can't do this or that, make sure that is communicated to the other parent.
The worst is if one parent says "No you can't do that". Then the kid goes to the other parent and gets permission to do it.
Thank you, and this happens quite often because I still haven't discussed these things with her. Sometimes it's not even her, her father and step mother also live here as well so it makes it more difficult to keep a control on what's being said/done.
He is VERY picky when it comes to eating, he literally only wants french fries, grilled cheese and sweet tea from McDonalds and such and they almost always get it for him... He flat out refuses to even try anything else, so they always give in to him where as I'd just let him do without because I feel that if he really gets hungry he will eat something else.
As for school, he never eats his lunch... Nothing out of it, so I REFUSE to get him anything else and when he mentions food or being hungry I tell him he can eat what is in his lunch box.
The reality is when it comes to cleaning, who ever cares about it more, is going to have accept that they are going to do more. Additionally, just as a tip to keep the peace, when you say your girlfriend "just isn't clean" that is going to sound very bad to anyone who hears it. Words, matter, and in reality, leaving your clothes on the ground isn't "dirty" its just not neat.
So if YOU like things neat, you are going to have to be the one to make them that way. I am far neater than the rest of my family, they don't make the mess to spite me, they just literally don't see it. My SO is the same way about the car, he is IMO fanatical about his car. He cares more about it, so he does more. If your gf is not doing anything to contribute to the home (grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, etc.) than you may have more of a point, but if it is just picking up the laundry, just accept that it matters more to you.
As for the child, I don't know anyone who keeps their little kids shoeless feet off the couch. Why does it matter anyway? Why shouldn't his feet be on his mother, especially if she does not mind? I suspect that when you have your own child you won't be squeamish about that child's feet. Seriously, pick your battles, and this one is an odd one to go to the mat for.
As for following rules, if a 5 yo could follow rules and do as they are told, they wouldn't need to be parented anymore and would be adults.
Okay, I'm 25 years old and I moved in with my girlfriend about 2 months ago and found out she was pregnant shortly after. Now she already has a 5 year old son, his father left and hasn't seen them in 3 years. So, I'm completely new to the whole parenting thing and I'm trying to do my best but I have some concerns...
A little background first... She rents an apartment, and her father and step mother live there with her and her son and now myself as well. I used to stay and visit on my days off from work and things were fantastic. Now that I've moved in, I have noticed more things that I'd like to discuss and get some advice on.
I'm a neat/clean person, and she isn't so much. She has a bad habit of changing clothes and leaving them all over the floor and bathroom, and her 5 year old son pretty much follows in her footsteps of everything she does and throws his clothes everywhere too. I was cleaning it all up, but it was pretty much an every day thing so I stopped and decided I'd just focus on keeping my things together/clean and neat.
Now it drives me crazy, and it also makes me depressed and keeps me in a bad mood to live in a mess all the time. When I mentioned some "standards" to her, she told me not to try and change her so now I'm not really sure how to address the situation. If she can't keep her clothes picked up and be neater, how can I make her son do it when she can't enforce it?
Since you are the one it bothers and it makes you depressed, clean it up. You will be a role model for your stepson and he *may* decide to follow along, but if not at least it relieves your depression. Btw, this is a funny role reversal since it is usually the man who is messy and the woman who cleans, but... ok... you can have a taste of the reversal.
How do her parents feel about the mess, btw? Would they be willing to work with you and/or talk to her about it?
That is pretty much the only problem I have with her, is just not being clean so off to the next topic...
Now I feel that her 5 year old son should be capable of throwing his clothes in the hamper and not the floor when he changes, and her too! I think he is old enough to put his toys away before bed, to put his socks/shoes behind the living room door when he comes in so we're not stressing out trying to find out what he did with them last minute when we're leaving to go somewhere.
I agree that he is old enough. Perhaps you need to talk to your gf and help her think about the finding things when he leaves his shoes all over. At my house, everyone takes off their shoes at the door and leaves them on the mat.
He is constantly climbing in our laps, and he digs his feet into us when he is beside us on the couch. Personally, I think his feet should be off the couch period and definitely not on us. I have a problem with him walking/climbing on the couch/bed and I tell him not to. It seems like anytime we tell him no he can't have or do something, he starts crying and pitching a fit.
- I don't think I'm a strict parent, I just feel that he is old enough to follow rules and do what we say. Now with a child of my/our own on it's way... They must both be treated the same, and have the same rules eventually which I'll need her support in making her son mind better.
There is so much more to say and post, but please reply and I'll talk about other things as well.
Shoeless feet can certainly be on the couch at least in my house. Digging them in to you is no fun though. Does he have sensory issues? You may want to use a blanket over his feet or something like that. As for climbing on the bed or couch, provide a place where he can climb and redirect him to that. If he does have sensory issues, he needs to climb and jump. A small trampoline for the play area might be a good investment or if you have no space indoors for that, old cushions or pillows which can be put away. This one folds up for storage and it is rated for up to 150 lbs, so weight should not be a problem: Amazon.com: Fold & Go Trampoline: Toys & Games
The best thing which helped me when I was suddenly the parent of a 5 year old (via marriage), was the advice that BOTH PARENTS MUST HAVE THE SAME EXACT RULES! (And punishments for violations of those rules.)
You must agree with your girlfriend what the rules are (whatever). And then be consistent with those rules.
Doing that will turn a wild temper-tantrum 5 year old into a perfect angel! Seriously! Doing this also makes the kid feel secure.
Another thing is kids can be QUITE manipulative! You think adults are manipulative? Wait until you see what the 5 year old can do between you and your girlfriend! They will work it between the two of you. And again the solution to that is for both of you to be consistent with the rules. And if one parent says the kid can or can't do this or that, make sure that is communicated to the other parent.
The worst is if one parent says "No you can't do that". Then the kid goes to the other parent and gets permission to do it.
While this is true five is getting to be the age where you have to be careful as the "step"parent. Most discipline should be handled by the mother and not the stepparent. Most psychologists accept this as well. Sure agree on rules, and discipline, so that if mom is not around you are on the same page but if she is home, let her deal with most if not all of it.
Finally, this is a small child whose like has changed dramatically. You mentioned you have never been a parent before and how you are trying to cope, well imagine a child who has had his mother all to himself for as long as he can remember. Now there is another adult who not only takes her attention but is changing the status quo and rules? Tread carefully here if you want to build a lifelong relationship with your child's brother. BUILD being the keyword. Stepparents can be just as much a parent as bio parents but it takes care, time, and patience.
Thank you for responding, I'm just tired of picking them up every single day and every single time she and her son both change. If it was a rare occasion of being in a hurry or something, I wouldn't mind but it is a 2/3 times a day thing with her and her son both. Her mother usually does the cooking and cleaning, so I feel like she isn't really doing much of anything. We both work full time, she works 7AM-4PM and I work 10PM-7AM.
As for the childs feet, he walks around barefoot usually and your feet pick up all kinds of dirt and nasty stuff on them. It's not okay for a 16 year old to put their dirty feet on someone, so is there a problem with starting off telling a 5 year old not to do it?
Thank you, and this happens quite often because I still haven't discussed these things with her. Sometimes it's not even her, her father and step mother also live here as well so it makes it more difficult to keep a control on what's being said/done.
He is VERY picky when it comes to eating, he literally only wants french fries, grilled cheese and sweet tea from McDonalds and such and they almost always get it for him... He flat out refuses to even try anything else, so they always give in to him where as I'd just let him do without because I feel that if he really gets hungry he will eat something else.
As for school, he never eats his lunch... Nothing out of it, so I REFUSE to get him anything else and when he mentions food or being hungry I tell him he can eat what is in his lunch box.
Discipline needs to be tempered by love. It takes time to learn to love a child who is not biologically related to you (and even then sometimes it takes awhile) so all of this discipline you are looking to lay down is not appropriate. It is his mothers job.
As for food, you are not yet his parent, you should not be going against his mothers rules, even if they are not laid out as such. You are setting this relationship up to fail if you continue to do that.
Try to put yourself in his place. He is five, basically he is barely out of toddlerhood. A new situation, with a new person, and new rules. It is a lot for an adult to deal with, and with a little child who cannot really understand it is going to be absolutely overwhelming.
Do yourself a favor, take a big step back from discipline, and just get to know how this family functions as it is now. It does no one any good to jump in and try to change the way this family functions just because it isn't the way you would do things.
Thank you for responding, I'm just tired of picking them up every single day and every single time she and her son both change. If it was a rare occasion of being in a hurry or something, I wouldn't mind but it is a 2/3 times a day thing with her and her son both. Her mother usually does the cooking and cleaning, so I feel like she isn't really doing much of anything. We both work full time, she works 7AM-4PM and I work 10PM-7AM.
As for the childs feet, he walks around barefoot usually and your feet pick up all kinds of dirt and nasty stuff on them. It's not okay for a 16 year old to put their dirty feet on someone, so is there a problem with starting off telling a 5 year old not to do it?
You are the new person in this family. The new person who is trying to change all sorts of things.
Sure, maybe you are right, but you are not taking into account the feelings of the child. Parents do that first and foremost.
What is more important, being "right" or having a solid basis for a lifelong, loving relationship with this family that your child will be a part of?
Shoeless feet can certainly be on the couch at least in my house. Digging them in to you is no fun though. Does he have sensory issues? You may want to use a blanket over his feet or something like that. As for climbing on the bed or couch, provide a place where he can climb and redirect him to that. If he does have sensory issues, he needs to climb and jump. A small trampoline for the play area might be a good investment or if you have no space indoors for that, old cushions or pillows which can be put away. This one folds up for storage and it is rated for up to 150 lbs, so weight should not be a problem: Amazon.com: Fold & Go Trampoline: Toys & Games
Honestly, we have not even discussed anything about it yet. I said that we needed to discuss things, and she said okay let's talk but he was around so I said let's wait. I told her the next day I wanted to wait because some of it concerned him, and she said it better not be anything bad or I wouldn't like how the conversation would go... So I'm not too sure how she will feel about this.
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They will work it between the two of you. And again the solution to that is for both of you to be consistent with the rules. And if one parent says the kid can or can't do this or that, make sure that is communicated to the other parent.