Having a child after 40? (pregnancy, wife, children, twins)

[floridadreamer]

Absolutely pirate girl! It could have been him that changed his mind first instead of Roma. Some men actually have a REALLY strong need to procreate and I have seem the toughest guy melt when his little one grabs his finger or says dada. Even though my husband and I have had some issues, when he comes home from work our 1 yr old spends about 5 minutes hugging and giving him kisses. That's enough to make me want to try to keep things together.

Roma, I hope you are able to get pregnant soon. It definitely sounds like he's becoming more open to the idea as time goes by.

[Sampaguita]

Originally Posted by pirate girl

Florida Dreamer has it right. If Roma's hubby is considering names he's obviously coming around. He was never faced with fatherhood before because it was a non-issue. But I would bet everything I own that if things work out and Mr & Mrs Roma welcome a bundle of joy, Mr. will be delighted, enchanted and wonder how he ever didn't want to be a dad.

My husband had absolutely no desire to have children and it was an issue that weighed heavily on my mind as our relationship became more serious. He knew it would be a deal-breaker for us (not having children) so when he proposed, along with it came his proclamation that he was open to the idea of fatherhood. It scared the pants off of him but it was a gradual acceptance. Now, he is so excited about the twins on the way he can hardly see straight. Plus, at age 48, he is convinced that as a father, he will be better at it now than he would have much earlier in his life (when he readily admits to having a "me, me, me" attitude).

I think you're right - it was a non-issue before but now that M/M Roma are faced with "now or never", it puts a new spin on things and makes you take a good hard look at your lives - as individuals and as a couple/family.

LOL - like how we're discussiong & analyzing your situation for you, Roma?

[Roma]

Yes, I do like it Sampaguita.

Thanks everyone for your post! It's nice to know that other people have gone through this.

I wanted to say that my husband doesn't think I'm a selfish person for wanting a child. He understands fully. To the person that said I was "selfish as hell", I told my husband what you said and his response back was he thinks you the poster who wrote that is "ignorant as hell" (his words).

I do want to say what I find interesting. It seems when a women wants a child and the man doesn't then the women is a bad guy. Or if the man wants a child and the women doesn't then she is still the bad guy. Some say she is selfish or needs counseling but they would never say that to the man.

I am just a woman going through something that I have never gone through before. I am having HUGE maternal feelings that I have never had before. That does not make me selfish, conniving or needing counseling. That makes me a woman wanting a child that is married to a man who admittedly said he is scared but would be the best father. This is all new to both of us.

I've been going on other sites regarding this and I find that I am not alone. My feelings and desires are real.

Oh, and WE picked out a girls name "Megan Nicole" (my husband picked Nicole) but we are completely stuck on the boys name. I like Brian but he's not sure so we are still thinking on that one.

Thanks everyone!

[jillz]

You must have missed the post where Roma wrote about her husband coming around to the idea of and being open to the possibility of starting a family together and even their discussion of possible baby names.

No, it just sounds like she wore him down. To me, it sounds like she doesn't respect her husband or his wants/needs. Many people give up and give in when constantly hounded (BAD idea when it is involving kids). My question is, how long has it been since you decided that you HAVE TO HAVE A BABY NOW? Maybe you ought to wait at least a year before trying so you know if this is a real want or hormonal. I know you are getting older and may not have the luxury of waiting long but when is making any HUGE/LIFE ALTERING/POTENTIAL DIVORCE decider, decision impulsively a good idea? If one has to be talked into or hounded into a decision how is this a good thing?

[sbd78]

Originally Posted by Roma

Yes, I do like it Sampaguita.

Thanks everyone for your post! It's nice to know that other people have gone through this.

I wanted to say that my husband doesn't think I'm a selfish person for wanting a child. He understands fully. To the person that said I was "selfish as hell", I told my husband what you said and his response back was he thinks you the poster who wrote that is "ignorant as hell" (his words).

I do want to say what I find interesting. It seems when a women wants a child and the man doesn't then the women is a bad guy. Or if the man wants a child and the women doesn't then she is still the bad guy. Some say she is selfish or needs counseling but they would never say that to the man.

I am just a woman going through something that I have never gone through before. I am having HUGE maternal feelings that I have never had before. That does not make me selfish, conniving or needing counseling. That makes me a woman wanting a child that is married to a man who admittedly said he is scared but would be the best father. This is all new to both of us.

I've been going on other sites regarding this and I find that I am not alone. My feelings and desires are real.

Oh, and WE picked out a girls name "Megan Nicole" (my husband picked Nicole) but we are completely stuck on the boys name. I like Brian but he's not sure so we are still thinking on that one.

Thanks everyone!

I don't think you are selfish at all for wanting a child. Who is to say your husband isn't the one being selfish for not wanting a child? (Although it sounds like he is coming around, and that is wonderful). But to label you as selfish is wrong, imo. When two people disagree on something, who is to say one or the other is being selfish? It does seem like a double standard. Best of luck to you, and I hope you get the baby you desire.

[floridadreamer]

Originally Posted by jillz

You must have missed the post where Roma wrote about her husband coming around to the idea of and being open to the possibility of starting a family together and even their discussion of possible baby names.

No, it just sounds like she wore him down. To me, it sounds like she doesn't respect her husband or his wants/needs. Many people give up and give in when constantly hounded (BAD idea when it is involving kids). My question is, how long has it been since you decided that you HAVE TO HAVE A BABY NOW? Maybe you ought to wait at least a year before trying so you know if this is a real want or hormonal. I know you are getting older and may not have the luxury of waiting long but when is making any HUGE/LIFE ALTERING/POTENTIAL DIVORCE decider, decision impulsively a good idea? If one has to be talked into or hounded into a decision how is this a good thing?

It isn't unusual for one partner to be a little wary. For most couple it's deciding "when" to start trying. If Roma's husband was apposed mainly because he never really considered it before, than how is it wrong to bring up a "new" issue of something she HAS thought about? Can you honestly say you've never had to convince a partner to come around to your way of thinking about something you REALLY wanted?

How would you propose she go about it if it's something she TRULY wants?
For most people, wanting to make their partner happy is reason enough, but I'm afraid that goes both ways. If he knows he won't be happy havings kids, then leaving her is what he would be doing to make himself happy, and vise versa. She's trying to be understanding should that actually be what he decides.

Bottom line..EVERYONE deserves to be HAPPY.

[Sampaguita]

Originally Posted by floridadreamer

How would you propose she go about it if it's something she TRULY wants?
For most people, wanting to make their partner happy is reason enough, but I'm afraid that goes both ways. If he knows he won't be happy havings kids, then leaving her is what he would be doing to make himself happy, and vise versa. She's trying to be understanding should that actually be what he decides.

Bottom line..EVERYONE deserves to be HAPPY.

I asked my husband about this yesterday since we were in a similar situation of him never wanting children. Part of his reason was knowing how happy it would make me and he's always been about making me happy. But, he said that as he made that decision, he began to realize how happy HE would be having children and becoming a father.

Roma isn't selfish - she's obviously given him an "out" if it's truly something he does not want a part of. How can you deny a yearning such as wanting to become a mother or father? Who are we to say that either one of them is selfish? - it's for them to work out and from the sounds of it, they are doing just that.

[KarlaT2]

Roma-
I understand what you are feeling. I was married previously to a man who had a child when he was very young (17) and that child was almost grown. He didn't want any more. I had thought most of my life I didn't want kids, but at about 28-30 I started wanting to have one. We ended up breaking up, and long story short I married again and had my one and only daughter at 36. I wouldn't change a thing. Yes, it's exhausting sometimes, but she is the best thing that ever has happened in my life.

[twins4lynn]

I gave birth (as a single mom by choice) to my twins at 41. I've had absolutely no regrets! I love being a mom and parenting two delightful kids. They're turning 13 this month .

[Bob The Builder]

Roma

You husband wants...

You want....

But when you become a parent, its all about the child and it's needs.