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Does she act like this at school too? Has she driven away friends with this behavior? Have teachers written you to complain that her attitude is an issue at school?
If any of the former are true, I would be more concerned. However, if she's just venting to you as soon as she gets home, I might just let her vent. I love my job. So do my coworkers. But sometimes we just need to let off a little steam. So we rant about things and get into a tizzy when we're off the clock, and then once it's time to be "on" and do the job again, we're fine. Sometimes it can actually be healthy to get those frustrations out in a safe place (OMG will you NEVER LEARN TO TOILET TRAIN?!?) rather than hang onto them inside where they can bubble up and explode in a moment when you don't want them to because you feel no one has ever heard you. And really, that may be all she needs, is to not feel alone and to know that someone else is hearing her.
Now, if she is saying something really nasty like, "Susie is just so ugly. She wore this shirt that made her look really fat today," I would remind her that wasn't a nice thing to say, but if she's venting things that are personally frustrating to her, I'd let her go a bit. I might also find times when she's not doing that and being calm to tell her things you like about her, about kind things that she does.
OP--First, funny screen name given you said your DD is a drama queen.
I've found that asking "Why" and "How" questions always helped defuse my D when she went into one of her moods. Why do you feel that way? How do you think so and so felt? Why do you think that? How could you do xyz differently next time? Etc. It made her stop and think for a bit.
I always remembered something I read when DD was a toddler in daycare. The book or article said that children often act after daycare because they feel safe. Throughout her growing up years I always assumed I got the brunt of her anger and stress at times because she felt safe.
Sigh. This is a tough one because if you go down the route some suggest the teen may view you as "just another person that hates me wah wah wah".
Seriously drama queen teens drive me nuts. Been there, hated it with a passion.
As some suggest-ASK her how she thinks what she said or did made someone else feel.
IE "So she got all mad at me and I told her to shut up"....a good question is "So do you think she is hurt by it all?" Sometimes good kids need to be reminded that they hurt others.
If you're a religious family there are a lot of things in the bible that can help as well, and maybe a discussion about that from that point of view as well might help.
Chores. When all else fails and they drive you crazy return the favor.
I have a wonderful talented intelligent 16 year old who is the light of my life, but she is making me crazy with her drama queen ways!
She just got home and started on a loud angry rant about various bits of school business...basically in a lather whenever things don't go her way. She's a successful kid, but pretty paranoid, so no one had dare talk about her behind her back, yet she feels free to critique others. Clearly her opinion is the only one that counts! She is so offended when someone else has the nerve to want what she wants! She has some leadership roles at school but is pretty bossy and demanding and rude at times, with no apparent clue that that is not the best way to lead.
So she's furiously ranting about how stupid everyone else is and has no clue how incredibly self-centered she sounds. If I make any attempt to point this out to her, she takes it out on me, blames me for yelling at her, then cries because I don't care. Well, of course I care about her bad day, but I don't feel right about unconditionally supporting her self-centeredness. And I'd like to turn down the volume on the drama if I have to listen to it for an hour...not feel as if I'm the one getting yelled at! It's as if the ranting itself becomes more important than whatever she is ranting about.
I tend to internalize strong feelings. When I was 16 I had no adult to talk to. I would never have shared my day with my parents nor would I get so angry about such minor issues (I don't ever remember being that angry about school stuff...in general my expectations were much lower and I kept a lower profile in school) Because she is so busy blaming others, she'll never take responsibility for her own feelings and actions.
So, let's not talk about how "Well, Duh, Stagemomma, teens are self centered"
Does anyone have actual strategies for guiding a teen to be a little more aware that her peers are NOT going to want everything to go HER way, because that isn't necessarily in their own best interest? What do I SAY to her to derail the rant and help her get to the heart of her feelings? How do I acknowledge her feelings and help her move on to considering what might be changed?
To me, negative feelings are a sign that something needs to change. Am I wrong about that?
At this age...hand her a bowl of ice cream and listen. Don't say much if anything. She's using you for a sounding board while she works things out herself. (Which is good.) Why derail the rant?
Let her get it out. When she's done....ask her if she'd like a piece of general advice.
Don't be overly specific (it's her problem she has to work on remember?) and hit a point you think is important - in general - do not make it about her....then shut up and let her think about it. She will.
She's 16 - not 6. She doesn't need (or want) you to solve her day to day problems anymore. She needs you to be there a listen to her.
Some great advice here. The mom of young kids - you were spot on!
OP, I have a 15 year old and an adult daughter....I understand. I have a suggestion that works everytime for me. I would let her vent, but first, give her a hug, tell her you love her and you are sorry she had a bad day. Then... distract her by saying let's fix a drink/snack and we'll chat about this. Keep distracting her by having her fix the drink, get the ice, napkins, one item at a time and in slow mo while involving her. I know this sounds nutty but by doing this slowly and calmly, and taking as long as your can she will start to calm down. Then let her vent. When she's done, repeat back to her the instances where she could have misunderstood or been self-absorbed. Ask why she thinks they said or did this. Wonder what she might have done to help the situation. Keeping it positive.
Do this a few times. If this doesn't improve the situation then the next chat is where you then say you seem to keep facing these struggles. I have a suggestion, why don't you do...... next time and see what happens. Maybe do some role playing? Tell her it takes the bigger person to stay calm and in control. And that none of us are right all the time and it takes more strength to admit when we are wrong, etc... But as she seems to be rather emotional, again, I'd take my time in showing her the error of her ways. It will stick with her if she thinks she realized how her behavior needs to change.
Hmmm....a tantrum at this level seems to push her beyond just ranting at others...she is feeling very down on herself and tries to find others to blame. She's had a few of these nuclear level meltdowns before.
I can and do frequently listen to her ranting (I agree 100% that home is the soft place to land, both my kids have always held their stress until they got home). I'm getting so much better at hugging and stroking her ego and not offering solutions. spend a few minutes sympathizing, then we're cracking jokes.
This afternoon's rant went nuclear partly because I was engaged with her sister when she walked in the door, I was trying to move sister towards studying independently so I could give her my undivided attention and that is partly what set her off.
I reach my limit when she says things that indicate she is not treating others with respect. Then I feel a need to step in and suggest she improve her behavior (what else can I do, spank her?) If she was 5 and hit some other kid, she would be punished, right? If I saw her treating others this way, I would certainly try to put a stop to it, so to hear about it after the fact...do I just let her get away with horrible behavior? Then she accuses me of taking the other person's side, then makes it about me. EXACTLY what her dad used to do. which really pushes my buttons. Add to that the extreme pity party and I start to feel pretty annoyed with her diva ravings...this kid has plenty of advantages that others don't have and no one is going to hand her a Tony award/college scholarship/prince on a silver platter.
Luckily, she cried a bit, then played her guitar a bit, then came down and ate dinner with us. I started telling them about a coworker of mine who's been acting very juvenile...she got the connection right away and started teasing me about it! So maybe she is starting to outgrow the nuclear tantrum after all!
I suspect she's just venting. I would suggest just calmly listening and be glad she is smart enough to vent to a parent and at home and probably isn't doing this where it could get her in trouble. One of my sons was more a drama queen than my daughter.
What is funny is that whatever it is may seem like a big deal when they are venting, they may seem so angry at someone, two days later they're best of friends with that person and act surprised that you thought they were seriously upset. Some people like to vent but also teenagers may just be getting acquainted with aggravations and social strife.
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she will start to calm down. Then let her vent. When she's done, repeat back to her the instances where she could have misunderstood or been self-absorbed. Ask why she thinks they said or did this. Wonder what she might have done to help the situation. Keeping it positive. 
