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Old 02-03-2014, 05:42 PM
 
2,592 posts, read 1,952,221 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post
Yes, PLEASE. My parents told me nothing, and my mother reacted to anything remotely nearing the topic of sex as, "Durdie!!! durdie!!!"
We must have had the same mother. My mom was the same way, I learned NOTHING about sex from her. When I got my period she actually cried and made me feel terrible about it! Like I did something wrong, it was tantamount to "Carrie" and her mom freaking out...

She had so much incorrect information too, even told me I can't take a bath on my period because then the water would go inside me and kill me... Yeah when I asked the school nurse about that, she decided she need to talk to my mom about it...

Sex-wise I was active for years before she found out, and by then I was in college, and yup, she freaked. She freaked even more when she realized my 15 year old sister ALSO knew all about sex.

I remember when the schools sent the paperwork about teaching girls about their periods, then the next year about sex, I had to fight with her to let me go because I literally would have been the only kid in my class not allowed to go if she had her way. Luckily my best friend's mom convinced her that pretending sex doesn't exist doesn't mean it won't happen.

OP I think removing the computers from the bedroom is a good idea, as well as parental controls. When the book comes in, I'd definitely read through it first and then give it to your child along with a talk and tell him to come to you guys with questions.
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Old 02-03-2014, 06:01 PM
 
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When I was growing up in the dark ages before computers, my Dad had the most wonderful book. It was the Dictionary of American Slang. I cannot tell you how often I went to that book to look up terms that I was curious about.

I think what your son is doing is fairly normal, he is curious. I also understand his being uncomfortable talking with you. We say we want our kids to come to us but at the same time we warn them of the dangers of the internet, porn and yes, even sex. We warn them to keep themselves protected and private. We have not left a lot of room for them to understand that anatomy is interesting and the anatomy of the opposite sex is of course something they will be and should be curious about.

Punishment is the furthest thing from my mind. How about finding him some anatomy websites that he can peruse at his own speed. I also suggest books but he should be able to explore them, to develop his questions etc. Its not that he is afraid to talk to you, part of it is he is still formulating what it is he wants to know.
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Old 02-03-2014, 07:46 PM
 
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Good thing we didn't have the internet when I was 10 or I would be blind by now.

Don
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Old 02-03-2014, 08:10 PM
 
Location: Where the sun always shines
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grmngrl8203 View Post
. I want him to be able to talk to us about this stuff but he won't. So . His ideas about sex are just forming and I want them to be healthy.
Heads up, most kids dont wanna talk to their parents about sex, and what do u mean by his ideas of sex should be healthy?
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Old 02-03-2014, 08:39 PM
 
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You can preview the book that I recommended, and many others, at a bookstore. Then BUY the one you think best, take it home, and put it in his room and leave it there. He will look at it by himself, when he wants to, as soon as he thinks you're not looking.That's why it can't be a library book - you want a book you can just put in there and forget about. Just imagine this scenario: "Horatio, where's that book I got you about sex? It's got to go back to the library. Didn't you read it yet? Go get it and put it by the front door so we won't forget to return it." How would you have felt? The one I recommended is about the same level and graphic style as the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books - just right for a 5th grader. When my son was his age, I put that book in his room and made a joke about it, something along the lines of, "I'm putting this book about EWWWWW sex in your room. It's yours. Read it or not, in private, and come ask me if you have any questions cause kids are stupid, and you don't want to learn about it from them." Currently, the running joke in our house with the ten year old boy is that he cries out, "My eyes! My eyes!" if he sees any nudity, and that he covers his ears and says, "Too much information" if any mention of sex comes up. But you should have heard him and his friends talking about stuff in the dark at a sleepover!

Any kid halfway intelligent, with friends at school who have older sibs, will know how to bypass any parental controls you put on the computer. You MUST limit his access to the internet entirely, by making it so that he only uses it when you are in the room, and you can see the screen the entire time. You have the password to the house internet (and not 123456789) and he does not. You enter the password for the computer and the internet each time, and he only uses it where you can see the screen. One trick is that they make a separate account on the computer, without password protection, then use that, so you need to have the password for the internet, too. This is appropriate internet access for a fifth grader. You can deal with less restricted access later on.

He's probably also doing this at his friends' houses, if there is unsupervised access to the internet there, too. You've got to be friends with the parents of his friends, and talk with them about how to keep the boys from getting into trouble on the internet in general.

Do NOT go through any book about sex with him!!!! That would be horribly embarrassing. The age for storytime has passed. His sexuality is his own, although you can help shape him by denying him access to sick porn on the internet, and allowing him access to straightforward information.

A very good technique to get him to talk to you is to go in to talk with him at bedtime, after he's in bed. Announce that this is a no consequence discussion. This means that he can tell you anything, and there will be no consequences. At first he'll be astonished, maybe not believe you, but then he'll start telling you stuff about what he and his friends are doing. You have to have already restricted his access to the internet, or he'll think that you broke your word about the no consequences. Remember this technique. You will need it over and over for the next ten years or so.

He has to be allowed to develop his own sense of sexuality, which is going to include masturbation, on his own. So give him privacy and access to accurate information, deny him access to internet porn, have Dad have some man to man talks with him, and know what's going on at his friends' houses.
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Old 02-03-2014, 09:33 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
5,854 posts, read 6,598,261 times
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By the time he's 10, your kid has already heard all about sex from classmates. It's probably the wrong information, and some of it may be really weird or funny to him, but he's got no way to know what's true and what's not. The other boys he goes to school with are probably looking at porn on their phones, their tablets, and of course their computers. They're probably showing it to him too, or talking about it to each other. It's not like it was when we were kids, when porn was something you would encounter in a brown paper sack, hidden in your dad's spare suitcase or bowling ball bag. It's out there, it's easy to find, and a lot of parents don't control what their kids access online.

When my oldest was in 3rd grade and started hearing weird things about sex from classmates, I told her that I'll always tell her the truth about anything she asks about. Sometimes the questions are more than I want to discuss with her but it's better to find out from me than from her friends.

By the way, a friend of mine gave her 10 year old twin boys ipads for Christmas and then caught them looking at porn on them a couple days later. She was shocked but several of the other moms we know said their boys did the same at about that age, so it's a normal time for them to become curious. They all limited or more closely monitored internet access after that.
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Old 02-03-2014, 09:58 PM
 
Location: IL
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Thinking one can prevent a child today from having unsupervised internet access is delusional, and merely abdicates responsibility from actually dealing with it.

IMO age-appropriate discussions on sex from an early age (to pre-empt peer misinformation) is the most important aspect, do not leave it till too late. Provide appropriate information, but don't force discussions.

I think it's very harmful to guilt and shame boys about porn and insist that they never watch it again. That's a sure fire way to force them to lie to you. I hate that they are viewing it so young, but denial is not helpful when dealing with it.

Last edited by Jaded; 02-04-2014 at 02:05 PM..
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Old 02-04-2014, 04:42 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by grmngrl8203 View Post
Like I said there are now blocks on everything but not sure where to go from here since the talking approach isn't working. His ideas about sex are just forming and I want them to be healthy.
I do not believe in blocks. There are always ways around them. And kids these days tend to be more technically proficient than their parents. They will know all about proxy servers - VPN tunnels - spoofer websites and more to get around your blocks. Do not waste your money on them - they are a fools errand. I have tried many of them for the fun of it and there was not a single one that I could not find a way around. And if _I_ can do it - you can be damn sure the collective child populous are sharing and trading tricks on how to do it.

Instead ensure that all computer access is in the most frequented part of the house. Ensure that at all times access is only had to the internet when you are present and can see these things at all times.

Think of the internet as being outside your own home. When children are young we ensure they are accompanied and supervised and safe when they go out in the world. Use of the internet is just another way of going out into the world. Treat it as such.
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:40 AM
 
Location: IL
12,158 posts, read 6,092,615 times
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Idealism clashes with reality in the particular situation, and reality is where we actually have to live.

Giving children the tools to make the best/wisest/healthiest decisions for themselves is the cornerstone of parenting.

Last edited by Jaded; 02-04-2014 at 01:49 PM.. Reason: Removed deleted post
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Old 02-04-2014, 08:53 AM
 
1,851 posts, read 2,629,573 times
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I'd never block my kids from online content, it would just make it seem that much more exotic to them.

Here's how I handled it (and so far has proven effective): I initiated a dialogue with my oldest when he was about ten regarding sex, respecting women and understanding the seriousness of physical relationships (started high level and expanded a bit over the next few years). When I suspected he had access to graphic content I shared with him that much of what he'd encounter, should he seek it out, objectifies women and distills sex down to something detached, something that's often very different than what two people experience in a relationship. Now that he's in his first serious relationship I've reminded him of the most basic rules; "no" means no, don't force a girl to do anything she doesn't want to, respect her and her feelings and above all else - intercourse is the leading cause of pregnancy so refrain, refrain, refrain (and if you can't, protect, protect, protect).

Now I'm shepherding his younger brother through the process while quietly thanking the Heavens that I don't have daughters.
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