Custody ???'s (wife, child, friend, city)

[Roselvr]

Brook, what state do you live in? Perhaps someone can recommend someone or something to try based on that.

You've been the provider for 3 1/2 years, doesn't sound like he's had much interest. Heck, he can't even produce wedding pictures with your daughter, and I doubt he can produce many photos with her.

At some point we all fear they will want custody, but do they really? My ex threatened... when my daughter sees him, she doesn;t even spend time at his house, he pawns her off on other people. It's not something I worry about any more.

[pirate girl]

Get letters from all of the people who are in your life on a regular basis- your boss, your co-workers, your neighbors, friends, clients, day care provider, pediatrician, babysitters,doctors......... expressing your concern for your child and attesting to your stability.

Also, try to document all of the effort you have made for the father to remain involved- dates, method of travel, etc.

[BROOKIREDD]

Thank you all for your responses! You have all helped tremendously! I felt like I was totally alone and I appreciate everyone's support! :-)

[regarese]

Sounds like the new wife doesn't want him to fork over any more child support and the only way to stop that is if he has custody. Like somebody else said, contact your local Legal Aid and check with the courhouse itself. They usually have a "Friend of the Court" of somebody else in that capacity that helps those who can't afford a lawyer. Good luck!!

[Dontakethemaway]

I am going through a custody battle of my own and feel for you because it IS indeed one of the worst things a mother could go through. I have three boys, ages 12, 5 and 3. I was a stay at home mom up until my youngest was five months old. I was told by my husband (an Engineer making good money) that I needed to get a job and also felt pressure from his family. He did practically NOTHING at home including not taking the trash out or mowing etc. He did not help with meals laundry, baths etc. He might play with them for 15 minutes to be the good guy but that was it. He rarely would discipline them. That was left up to me also, but if he did it would usually be because he would pester our oldest son to the point of him being very angry and lashing back out at his dad. He was a bully in our own home but it was almost impossible to prove to people because he has a very fake and different character around other people. I began working and at the time we were all living with my parents because we were building a house (next to his family). I got the boys up, got them ready, myself ready and took them to school or the babysitters in the town we were building the house (about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of work) and then onto work (an hour away). I would put in my eight hours and then go pick up the boys and then back home to my parents. His family hardly helped AT ALL. He would go straight to work and then straight home. Then baseball started, in which I was still doing all of the running, cooking, cleaning, bathing, laundry EVERYTHING. That summer we moved into our new home and again MUCH worse because at least at my parents I had help from my mom. (One morning at my parents house he got up at 5am looking for his skoal, after I had been up through the night with at the time 7 month and 2 year old and he flipped on the lights and said "Get up and help me find my F****** skoal. He threatened suicide on several occasions, was taking antidepressants and meds given for sckitsophrenia, he had cheated on me twice at this point.) After a few months of living in this new beautiful home, I heard a message on his phone from a woman he worked with crying saying "I know you tell me I'm gorgeous but I just dont feel it, I miss you, I love you" I found the cell phone bills that he had been hiding and saw where they had been talking ALOT and even on one of our overnight getaways. I cant really even begin to tell you all that went on in our 12 years of marriage but this is where I finally grew a spine. I believe God sent me help from above and this is where I truely believe that God does work in mysterious ways. I was working with a man that was and had been going through close to the same thing. He was and still is the GREATEST support I have EVER had and have now known him for three years and trust me when I say he WAS going through the same stuff, he was. I finally built up the nerve to pack my things and the boys things and move out while my husband was on travel (probably with his lady friend). When he came home the boys were at my parents and my parents knew to be on guard because of his mental illness history, and I told him I wanted a divorce. Thats when the REAL nightmare began because I figured he would be too lazy to want custody of the boys, I mean he didnt take care of them that much, I did. He found out that I had a male friend at this point and focused ALL of his energy on revenge. (Ya, they usually don't like a taste of their own medicine). I filed June of 2007 and in March we finally got through the trial. For the last year it has had to be 50/50 because I cant keep them from him. He wants split custody but that is NOT good for our sons because they are exhausted and well he is just not stable. In court he brought in his family as witnesses and of course they lied. I havent done anything to be an unfit mother but they used it to verbaly bash me and for revenge. We now should be getting the ruling in at any moment. I am moving about an hour away from where we are now because it is closer to my job and will be a better environment for my boys. So, until a ruling is made we have been living with my parents again and the boys are dong great now but keep saying and crying that they want and need to be with me more and I dont know what to tell them. It has been a LIVING HELL. I carried these 3 beautiful boys and took care of their needs. A woman goes through alot of body and hormonal changes and STILL with no signs of even coming close to being an unfit mom I have had to live with this hell of not knowing just because I am moving from the hometown we lived in, in the home that is now his that he could afford, by the way he has another woman and her 2 kids living there and did within a few months of me leaving him and just because my oldest son went to school there for 4 to 5 years (home, community and school). It makes me sick. My son is VERY ready to move away from there. His dad makes him play baseball from March to October and he is getting very sick of it. My husband gets hostile anytime I even try to talk to him about it. I just pray with everything in me that this all came across in court because it was all my word against his. I did bring in the shots records of the boys where I had signed and dentist records. Brook, anytime you take her to the doctor, sign something, same for the dentist. Keep track of anything and everything you do with her and for her. I REALLY think you have nothing to worry about and I mean that genuinely. I think it has everything to do with the new wife not wanting him to have to pay support and any Judge will know that. Really, talk to someone that will represent you and go through this process so you wont have to worry about it anymore. Dont do drugs, dont drink and drive be a good mom, in which I am sure you are because you are reaching out to people. There is no way they are going to take your little girl away from you. Anyone knows that that would not be a wise thing to do. He is probably using this as a threat to try and make you scared so you will come to some kind of agreement to lower his child support payments. But be ready to go through the full process because when someone is cruel enough to use a child as a threat they will probably keep going until a Judge makes an order. You will come out shining in the end. God is with you!

[Roselvr]

Originally Posted by Dontakethemaway

I filed June of 2007 and in March we finally got through the trial. For the last year it has had to be 50/50 because I cant keep them from him. He wants split custody but that is NOT good for our sons because they are exhausted and well he is just not stable. In court he brought in his family as witnesses and of course they lied. I havent done anything to be an unfit mother but they used it to verbaly bash me and for revenge. We now should be getting the ruling in at any moment. I am moving about an hour away from where we are now because it is closer to my job and will be a better environment for my boys. So, until a ruling is made we have been living with my parents again and the boys are dong great now but keep saying and crying that they want and need to be with me more and I dont know what to tell them. It has been a LIVING HELL.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, it is the pits. Hopefully you will be successful and get custody of the boys.

You need to get things into writing if you do. I posted some tips, will copy them here: post link

Originally Posted by Roselvr

Both of my ex's live over an hour away. We meet 1/2 way, or what is supposed to be 1/2 way; which is very generous considering I don't know any other custodial parent that does drive 1/2 way. This is especially useful if she takes the kids out of state.

We are supposed to do every other weekend on Friday, usually 4pm, but depending on what school they've been in, 4 is not always realistic, so between 4 & 6 pm. Sunday the drop off is 3 or 4 pm, no later as I not only have to drive but get home & cook, unpack her, wash her clothes, when she was younger it included me giving her a bath. Keep all of this in mind, especially if one of you moves farther.

We then do every other holiday, if I have her Christmas morning, she goes to her fathers Christmas night. I don't recall if it is in my custody arrangement that she spends a week in the summer, alternating spring & winter breaks. Most people I know get a total of 2 weeks a year with their child.

Birthdays - decide now if you will see them on their actual birthday, because if you live close you can, when someone moves farther it's hard. It could be that you both make plans for the child on their birthday, then the kids have to choose. If my ex was living closer, I would alternate. I am also supposed to have my child on my birthday & mothers day, he gets his birthday & fathers day.

Medical - he pays for insurance. It was me paying the 1st $250 of uncovered (including co-pay) then splitting it 50/50. When I stopped working due to my back, it changed to him being responsible for 75%.

Income tax - if the custodial parent is able to claim head of household, the non-custodial can claim the child to even it out. When the custodial parent marries, the child will be an alternate deduction for odd or even years. Since you have more then one child, and a different situation, figure out now who claims what child.

Phone calls - you might want to think to have a set amount of times to call and time of day. You would not believe the number of men I know that don't speak to their kids because the woman won't pick up the phone or have the kid call back.

[Dontakethemaway]

Thank you for your advice and concern. We will be going by the Indiana State Guidelines. I forgot to mention that he was wanting and requesting split custody in mediation and up until the court date but went with Primary Custody. So, we are both fighting for Primary Custody. Out of our 12 year marriage we lived with my parents for 6 of those 12. He was in college or he would change jobs and then he wanted to build a house. He bounces back and forth and always "bites off more than he can chew" and then expects everyone else to chew it. As of now, the receiving parent picks up the boys. The small town that we live in has nothing within an hour radius anyway. There are no jobs, and the biggest store within the hour radius is a Wal-Mart. The boys need to be encouraged to do well in school more than they are baseball. But, the town we are moving to has baseball too, imagine that. They also have a YMCA, several churches but most of all their mother, who took care of them their whole lives. In court, he and his father admitted to him threatening suicide. He actually called his father and told him he was going to kill himself and his father told him to go ahead and do it. I just really cant imagine a Judge giving him full custody but there is that sickening what if feeling. I am not a man basher either, I realize there are men out there that do more than the mother. In the area I live in I dont see it too often because it's a small area that still has this Men go to work and Women take care of the children and cooks and cleans and takes the kids to practices and games and school and oh yeah, get a job too attitude. When I left him he started going to church and taking the boys every weekend that he had them, so he could use those people to testify about how wonderful of a dad he was. (but his girlfriend that was sleeping over with him in the same bed that the boys witnessed didnt go to church with them) The preacher was also an athletic director for the high school boys basketball ball team. In court, his attourney asked him if he ever saw me at the games with the boys. He said no. Well lets see, I have a 12 year old, a 5 year old and a 3 year old, hmmmm, No, he probably wouldnt see me with them at a "High School" game. My husbands High School Coach that goes to that church also testified how wonderful he was and the President of the kids baseball league also testified how wonderful of a person he is. But hey, they didnt live in our home either to witness him dumping cold water on my head when I would fall asleep from exhaustion. He would want me to stay up and watch TV with him or have sex and it would make him mad when I fell asleep. I mean, he was rested after having a nice long nap every Saturday and Sunday (while I was taking care of the boys). If he gets custody, I will have no faith left in this world and will preach to women to focus on their career's and to document everything they do with their babies if they decide to take that risk. Now, all of this came out in court but I dont have hard evidence of it. But, he has has the whole home, community and school thing going for him. My sons lived half their lives at my parents because he didnt want to take the responsibility to get established for the boys then, but now since I want to finally get out of that mess because God only knows what he would have wanted in the future. Please say prayers for my boys because they are the ones who are getting the worst of it. Sorry, I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you for your help!

[Roselvr]

You have to vent, if not you will keep it inside.
Maybe you want to ask the mod of this section if they can split your post (and those replying to you) into your own post?

[Dontakethemaway]

3 weeks and still waiting on an order. Once again ladies, when taking your children to the Doctor, Dentist or even signing them up for school, somehow get your signature or documentation that you where the one doing it. Don't assume these places keep record of that. If there are any sporting events, or any kind of events you are at with your children, make yourself known (as in, "you" are there with your kids). Keep track of things like taking them to the park, church, library or even just playing with them with their toys. Keep note of all the nurturing and special things you do and have done with them. Keep a general idea of their routine, bath time, breakfast, laundry, ironing, lunch, dinner and what kind of rules you have for them. If going to court and you can be precise with all of this, its a BIG DEAL. Also, make sure your attourney asks these and the right questions in court to get the truth out.

[DD70]

Good luck you are going to need it!
Every state views custody differently if I were you as soon as I heard that my ex was petitioning for sole custody I would have been onling checking out my state laws regarding family law.
You have several things going you. The fact that up until his new marriage to Ms right he wanted nothing to do with his baby.
The reality that you have done your part to try and connect the 2 and you were not forced to so, which will be seen as a mother who is cooperative in trying to allow the father of her daughter in her life.
What I would do next? Is recollect all of your efforts,, i.e. every trip that was made by you to have your daughter see her daddy. Log them down in a notebook. Also write down how many times you attempted o call and get him to come and see his child. Log down as close as you can the amount of times he has seen his daughter thanks to you.
Log down interactions, "How did your daughter respond to her father" "WAS your daughter ever left alone with her" "HAS your daughter ever spend the weekends or overnite with her father'
Before a custody hearing it is usually customary for both parties to attend mediation. You of course are going to file for sole physical custody with visitation and joint legal custody.
It is also customary that judges want was in the best interest of the child and being that you have had primary custody for the duration of your childs life thus far and have been assertive in trying to create and establish a relationship between father an daughter is a plus on your behalf...you be sure to plug this fact. Also the fact that your daughter is still very young and has not had a very close with bond with dad would be cruel to hand over custody to what is a stranger.
You want to maintain your composure and be positive and state the obvious.
Good luck.