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Hi I received some good advice so I am back please advise.
We are spending more time with our nieces which is great and from time to time I see them do things that are not safe or could be improved upon.
My brother is almost 10 years younger than me, but has experience with kids I don't have, we don't have any children, but my wife has a lot of experience taking care of small children.
So about a week ago we all go out everyone is having a great time, and I am trying to keep headcount of all 3 of them. I mention this to my wife and she says I educated the kids I took care of to check in so I am not worried. Great idea I start to talk with the kids about it and then I realize, hmm should I run this by my brother since he is their Dad, we are just responsible, concerned Aunt and Uncle that care about their well being very much.
Did I overstep my bounds. One other, my brother was saying it's ok to cross the street against a red hand as long as you check. These kids are 4,5, and 6, I don't even believe they can/have been taught the right way to check for traffic, and frankly I don't think it's a good idea to teach little kids it's ok to break traffic laws, from time to time, we know that as adults these are little kids.
I am trying to strike a balance between their safety and well being, and being a helicopter Aunt and Uncle.
I agree with you that things could be done differently. My kids were never permitted, at that age, to cross a street alone, lights or no lights. They were to stand at the curb and wait for an adult to catch up with them. They also would not have been out by themselves wandering around.
However, what you have going on is something different. Evidently the nieces are out with you, your wife and with their parents. In a situation like that, it is the parents responsibility to be to be in charge of the children.
Their parents get to set the rules. It's interesting that you noted that your brother is ten years younger than you. There really was no need for that statement. Although it might bring up the thought that you are used to being the older brother who tells the younger what to do, the who takes the lead, etc.
At this point in time, it might be best to step back and let your brother and his wife parent as they see fit. Constantly pointing out to them what you think they are doing wrong, how they could do it better, etc. is not going to go over well. You might not be seen as a loving helicopter uncle and aunt, IMO you'd be seen as an interfering, busybody, annoying aunt & uncle.
The only time you could step in and give directions is if you were doing some activity that you knew about and they didn't. Example, you have horses and all of you take the kids & parents, none who have ever been around a horse, riding. Then yes, you step in and explain safety precautions, what to do, etc.
But what you are describing in your post is just every day activities . In this case, let the parents deal with it. If ever the children stay with you, at your house, without their parents, then you could make a set of rules just for that time. Such as when at Uncle Joe & Aunt Mary's house, you never leave the back yard without permission, etc. But for the most part and most of the time, keep remembering that these are not your children. This is a situation over which you have no control. Criticize the parents often enough and you may see less and less of the children.
I wouldn't let kids that young near a street busy enough to have a crosswalk/warning hand without holding their hands the entire time. Around here those are only on very busy streets with high speed limits. It would be too easy for something bad to happen. I think it would be one thing if they lived WAY in the middle of nowhere and we were talking about a street right in front of their house where like two cars drove by per hour, but I think 4-6 is too young to be 100% sure they won't get distracted and forget to check.
I don't know that it would be appropriate to say anything to your brother. However, I would obey proper street sign rules when they're with you, and keep a careful eye on them. As for "check ins" I think it depends how large/busy a place is. I wouldn't worry at a small McDonald's playground, for instance, where it's enclosed and everyone is close enough to hear. If I was in a huge store and they're that young, they need to be with me. It's not as if you have an older child one could go off with for short periods of time. At 7-8 that starts to get more appropriate. But 4-6 is still very young, IMHO.
There really was no need for that statement. Although it might bring up the thought that you are used to being the older brother who tells the younger what to do, the who takes the lead, etc.
You totally missed my point so let me clarify. I have 10 years more life experience than him. I see us as equals except in areas where each other has more exp. than one another.
The kids were at a very busy playground, he had to step away, so at that moment, we were completely responsible for them, so I asked them to check in, and my brother thought it was a good idea. I can read him pretty well, and our niece was going to change in the bathroom starts walking away and I spoke up and thought it would be good for safety reasons for my wife to go there. It's crowed public restroom at beach, he paused and agreed.
I agree with you on the situations as you described them. However- do you know what the word " finesse" means? It might be useful in the future if you and wife decided you might want to try to apply it.
You see, if I saw a niece at age 4,5,6 going to a public changing room by herself, I would have stood up, taken her by the hand and said " I think I'll stroll along with you, I want to see what this place looks like too." Or in your case, I would have whispered to my wife to go along with her.
When we got back, I would have gone to the child's mother and said " Suzy and I just got back from the changing rooms. Boy, am I glad I went with her. It was so crowded and confusing in there. I had to really make sure I didn't lose Suzy. It's really not kid friendly. Lots of people and some of them were very rough and rowdy. " Mom will take the hint.
Ditto, watching the kids while dad was distracted. Forget checking in- at that age kids shouldn't even be allowed out of sight. I would have gone with them to whatever apparatus they wanted to use. It might be possible to say to the father, " Hey, John, this will work out well, three kids and three of us, we can each watch a child or I'll watch two and you can wander off and take a break for a while. "
In other words, the idea is to try to accomplish the goal of keeping the kids safe, without telling the father constsantly that you know better. You seem to want to tell him that he is doing it wrong.
I really don't want to tell him he is wrong, I am trying to suggest a better way for their safety and well being. Their Mom, will never be with us, ugly divorce ongoing.
And I get your point and it's a good one. Suggesting or demonstrating a better/safer way as opposed to telling them what I think they should do.
I wouldn't worry about it too much--I think you are overthinking this. From what you have written, it sounds like you and your brother have a good relationship that can take a little back and forth talking out if he thinks you went too far. I agree with Willow Wind on rules at Uncle's House. Every kid needs to learn that rules are sometimes going to be a bit different between places. But it sounds like you might be seeing more of the kids, so why don't you just bring it up to your brother sometime? Explain that you feel like you don't always know the rules and that you will do what you think is in the best interest of the kids, but that you want him to speak up if he ever thinks you are going against his judgement?
But suggesting that he change what rules he's already put in place? Not going to happen. Focus less on what you see as wrong and more on being a shoulder to lean on, because if he's going through a nasty divorce, he is going to need you.
And practice saying, "I understand that those are the rules at your house, but with us you do_______________." (And then immediately telling your brother so he doesn't hear it from the kids.)
I wouldn't worry about it too much--I think you are overthinking this. From what you have written, it sounds like you and your brother have a good relationship that can take a little back and forth talking out if he thinks you went too far. I agree with Willow Wind on rules at Uncle's House. Every kid needs to learn that rules are sometimes going to be a bit different between places. But it sounds like you might be seeing more of the kids, so why don't you just bring it up to your brother sometime? Explain that you feel like you don't always know the rules and that you will do what you think is in the best interest of the kids, but that you want him to speak up if he ever thinks you are going against his judgement?
But suggesting that he change what rules he's already put in place? Not going to happen. Focus less on what you see as wrong and more on being a shoulder to lean on, because if he's going through a nasty divorce, he is going to need you.
And practice saying, "I understand that those are the rules at your house, but with us you do_______________." (And then immediately telling your brother so he doesn't hear it from the kids.)
Basically, if I see any kids who are with me do something dangerous or unsafe, I tell them not to do that and explain why it is dangerous or unsafe. I look at it as a matter of helping to educate them.
And sometimes the parent is there too. The parent will say "Don't do that!", then I might chime in to back-up what the parent is saying - why what they did is dangerous and best they not do that.
Some of these kids almost need "brainwashing" for safety tips to sink into their thick skull. They might run into the street without looking or whatever. The more people telling them what they are doing is dangerous, the better! (Is the way I look at it...)
Basically, if I see any kids who are with me do something dangerous or unsafe, I tell them not to do that and explain why it is dangerous or unsafe. I look at it as a matter of helping to educate them.
And sometimes the parent is there too. The parent will say "Don't do that!", then I might chime in to back-up what the parent is saying - why what they did is dangerous and best they not do that.
Some of these kids almost need "brainwashing" for safety tips to sink into their thick skull. They might run into the street without looking or whatever. The more people telling them what they are doing is dangerous, the better! (Is the way I look at it...)
Yes I am more like you. Their safety is #1, etiquette is priority #2. That said I will work on my tact and delivery.
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and from time to time I see them do things that are not safe or could be improved upon.
One other, my brother was saying it's ok to cross the street against a red hand as long as you check. These kids are 4,5, and 6, I don't even believe they can/have been taught the right way to check for traffic, and frankly I don't think it's a good idea to teach little kids it's ok to break traffic laws, from time to time, we know that as adults these are little kids. 
