15 year old daught with out of control attitude (teens, teaching, allowance)

[AtMyWittsEnd]

Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????

[JoeRock]

I am sorry to read this. It has to be so stressful.

The thing that I read in your post that might be important to all this is that there is a soon to be step Dad. Is she mad about that? Getting married again when kids are in their teenage years is a huge risk and can cause lots of problems.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's what it is or that you shouldn't get married. I'm just pointing something out.

I would get some counseling, this sounds very difficult and you might be too much "inside" the problem to really see clearly yourself.

Screaming at her and physically pull her to do something is pointless. I am sure that there are times she wants something from you. (anything, maybe something simple as taking her to a friend or so). Then you can give her the same blank stare and passive no clue reaction. Make it a teaching moment, kids that age can be selfish and need to learn that in life you need to give and take. It's easy for me to say though. I don't know how out of control your situation is.

I remember that in my teenage years I hated my Dad for no reason. I wasn't disrespectful or anything, well maybe a little. But I remember that he just completely irritated me. I mean everything from his speech to how he chewed his food. I snapped out of it when I was about 20 or so. No idea why because my Dad was the kindest man ever. I was just nasty at that age towards him. Awful!

Good luck.

[TetiaryIngrid]

sounds like a normal 15 year old girl.

[Bette]

I went through this - not as bad as you have it - but when I checked in with a counselor, she suggested that I find one good thing to say to her each day - in the beginning, maybe every other day so it doesn't seem forced.

Even the smallest thing - like she turned off the TV or brought her dish to the sink. (Michelle, I really appreciate when you take your dishes to the sink; it's a help) etc.

Eventually, she will thaw a bit.

It's all about her though. Go on with your life. It's truly a stage. Maybe her father could speak to her firmly.

(Story: One time, we were going out to eat as a family. Her brother got out of the car and had socks & sandals on; she was like, what a dork, etc. Two years later, she did the same thing and I called her on it (in a kidding way) and she said "I don't care what others think" - then I knew the peer pressure and nastiness were coming to an end. (She was 14, he was 9 at time - then she was 16, he was 11).

She and her brother are good buddies now and in fact, going skiing together this coming week. It was her birthday present to him.

[AtMyWittsEnd]

Originally Posted by JoeRock

I am sorry to read this. It has to be so stressful.

The thing that I read in your post that might be important to all this is that there is a soon to be step Dad. Is she mad about that? Getting married again when kids are in their teenage years is a huge risk and can cause lots of problems.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that's what it is or that you shouldn't get married. I'm just pointing something out.

I would get some counseling, this sounds very difficult and you might be too much "inside" the problem to really see clearly yourself.

Screaming at her and physically pull her to do something is pointless. I am sure that there are times she wants something from you. (anything, maybe something simple as taking her to a friend or so). Then you can give her the same blank stare and passive no clue reaction. Make it a teaching moment, kids that age can be selfish and need to learn that in life you need to give and take. It's easy for me to say though. I don't know how out of control your situation is.

I remember that in my teenage years I hated my Dad for no reason. I wasn't disrespectful or anything, well maybe a little. But I remember that he just completely irritated me. I mean everything from his speech to how he chewed his food. I snapped out of it when I was about 20 or so. No idea why because my Dad was the kindest man ever. I was just nasty at that age towards him. Awful!

Good luck.

At first my fiance and the girls got along great, but then my oldest (Caila) had a huge meltdown and Steve (fiance) stepped in to back me up. There has been some animosity ever since. The whole "you're not my Dad" thing. They've been "friendly" but not the relationship they had before. He's since backed off, but I want him to be a "father figure/roll" in their lives especially since their Dad is in another state and they only see him on vacations, and Steve is a primary financial supporter etc. Steve loves and adores my girls like they are his own and it kills him to see Caila treat me the way she does.

I was a smart ***** snotty teen too back in the day, but if I EVER treated my parents the way she is treating us - I'd be picking myself up off the floor multiple time and I would never have seen the light of day my entire teenaged years. I was mouthy and disrespectful at times, but was put back in check real quick by my parents.

I think we are going to look at counseling... Thanks for your response.

[JoeRock]

Originally Posted by AtMyWittsEnd

but I want him to be a "father figure/roll" in their lives especially since their Dad is in another state and they only see him on vacations, a

Just my two cts. Don't try to squeeze a square peg in a round hole. Merging a family with teenagers is very difficult.

I have done this myself. I took 2 kids (14/17) in a new marriage and have actually been very successful if I say so myself. I have made mistakes but one thing was clear. My kids were mine and his kids (not living with us) were his. Not that my kids could be disrespectful to my new husband but I did not expect them to see him as a (step)Dad. I was the one that solved problems and took the heat in arguments if necessary. That was not always easy, sometimes I felt torn. But it worked.
Actually now that my kids are in their mid 20's they do view my husband as their Dad, maybe not really as a Dad but definitely an example and someone they can talk to and be a role model for them. But that takes a LOT of time.

Good thing you get counseling. You will get through it. Like another poster said, do keep living your life. Don't let everything be about her. And don't be controlling, it never works. (Please take this as a kind advice, not as an accusation)

[OpenD]

As hard as this may sound, a key thing to remember is that nothing is wrong.

Seriously, she's reacting to her whole world changing in ways she doesn't understand, and she has no real power to do anything about anything. So she's freaking out. Think about it... wouldn't you?

Babies cry about everything, because it's their only way to communicate hunger or pain or discomfort or other upset. Teens are physically larger, and seem more capable of communication and independent action, but they're in the middle of their own changing bodies and changing emotions and they just want YOU to stay the same while they try to figure out LIFE and everything while its all changing, but here you go throwing the deck of cards up in the air on her, and it's UPSETTING!

What's missing is communication. Actually talking about what's going on. Actually accepting that you're turning her world upside down. Actually accepting that her world would be rocking right now anyways, and loving her anyways. Of COURSE it seems like it's all about HER, because in her world it IS! It's part of the natural process of separating from you and becoming independent as she grows into an adult. The balancing act is to allow her room to wallow around in it without it taking over the household, or your life. But talking is essential, no matter what.

Getting a counselor involved is good if you aren't capable of deep two-way communication on your own, but ultimately that's what it's going to take.

[Auntie77]

Originally Posted by AtMyWittsEnd

Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????

Military school. She needs to learn to respect someone, and she does not respect you.

[CSD610]

Originally Posted by AtMyWittsEnd

Hello,
I am in need of some suggestions. As my name suggests, I am at my witts end. My oldest daughter has about pushed me to the end of my rope. She is a good kid at school, gets good grades, runs varsity track etc. But at home she is a HUGE bully to her little sister (14yrs old - 15 months younger), is disrespectful to me, her Dad (who lives in another state, and her soon to be step dad who does EVERY thing for these girls. Emotionally, financially, etc. She is irresponsible, and has such a unbelievable sense of entittlement we practically choke on it. Everything and everyone must revolve around her and her plans etc. She has a distorted thought of "it won't happen to me" in regards to safety (she has her permit -though at this time is not allowed to drive due to being grounded from everything but breathing), when asked to do something, she just glares at me and doesn't make a move. I constantly have to ask her multiple times to do stuff, to the point where I have to scream at her, or physically pull her up and make her move to do what I'm asking her to do. We've been getting the silent treatment for going on 3 weeks now, getting maybe 1-3word answers. And what little answers we do get are dripping with attitude/sarcasm. We've taken everything away from her, her phone, computer, friends, driving etc. But this has seemed to make no impact on her. She has made no effort to change to gain these these priviledges back. Her attitude has in fact only seemed to have gotten worse in response. She is making the household miserable!!! What else can I do????

You completely clean out her room except for her bed, night stand, lamp and jammies.
Everything else is packed up and put away.
No telephone, track, friends, computer, cell phone or anything else she enjoys.
Her homework is done in front of you, you tell her one time to do something and if it is not done completely and properly, no screaming just tell her it delays the time she will be able to start having a life again.
That child would be within 2 foot of me at all times and be doing nothing but standing there glaring at me.
There would be no revolving around anything because she would have no plans and no life.
As far as the silent treatment goes, who cares, since she would have no life she has no reason to speak.

You also explain to her that this will be her life until her attitude changes drastically and if she reverts back to said attitude you start over.
No allowance either since she won't have a life outside of being within 2 foot of me she has no need for money.

[Auntie77]

Tough....exhausting...but probably effective.