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I understand what everyone is saying about the 'minor' issues.
However, and maybe I'm not explaining this correctly, but I feel that some of these seemingly minor issues BECOME major issues when he gets fixated on them. My son is very much a creature of habit, and he creates habits easily (which is actually helpful in building good habits like bringing his plate to the table or brushing teeth). The flipside is that any type of behaviour can start off with a random occassion and end up falling into an ingrained habit, which then becomes extremely difficult to break. This particularly applies when the behaviour seems to be driven by some underlying anxiety or discomfort - then, basically, the 'quirks' can become essentially neuroses which make life extremely different when everything needs to revolve around them.
The summer clothing issue is an example. It's not a matter of him just not liking short clothing. It's a matter of him getting used to being in long sleeves all winter and not wanting to break the habit. As I said, I know this because we went through it last summer and once he got over it, he wore them for months with no issue. This year it's harder because he's older. I know, I know, it's not a major issue. And if this was a case of him not wanting to wear it one day, or a week or whatever randomly, I really wouldn't care. But the reason it bothers me because I feel that if we don't push it, we're just reinforcing his anxiety about it, reaffirming that short sleeves are somehow bad and scary, and then no matter if we're in a crazy heat wave, or on a tropical vacation or whatever, he still won't wear them. So instinctually I feel that he NEEDS to be 'broken in' and see that the world didn't end if he wore them, just like people do with exposure therapy.
Maybe I'm not getting this across very well, but what I feel some of you aren't quite grasping is that to me it seems less about the issue at hand than about his degree of intensity about it. So if he wants to drink milk from his red cup, that's perfectly fine, and he can have it whenever he wants. However if it was getting to the point where he would NEVER DRINK MILK FROM ANY CUP BUT THE RED ONE - then it would be a problem (because what if the cup breaks, is lost, we're away etc), and in that case I'd probably put the red cup away and start switching his cups every day. If he doesn't want to wear a new shirt because he doesn't like it, that's fine. But if he never wants to wear a new shirt just because it's new, that's a problem. If he wants to re-read an old book tons of times, great. But if he's never willing to even open up any new book, problem. You guys see what I'm getting at here?
Basically, I want him to a) become more flexible and transition more easily, and b) realize that the world does not revolve around his needs. That there are things you do, that we all need to do, even when we don't want to do them - and then you get something that you DO like as a result. We've been talking a lot about how we all do things we don't feel like sometimes, but we still do them for different reasons. Because right now he believes that his 'but I don't want to' is the final word, on anything. And conversely, that he can't always get whatever he may want at this very moment, that if his red cup is dirty he needs to drink from the blue cup or not at all, and not hang on mommy tormenting her to wash it. Because these constant, even seemingly minor demands, going on the entire day really do make life difficult and stressful for everyone.
So take him for an eval as soon as you move. That's what people have been saying all along. And be prepared, even if the eval shows something is "up" with him, you may need to change the way you deal with him. It will be up to you to help him transition better. It will be up to you to help him be ok with wearing short clothes or drinking from any cup. And there will be things that you just have to accept, that will not change. But knowing is half the battle.
You may be on to something, I will try it next time. Because for now, we're in the opposite pattern - he is the one repeating his request like a broken record, and I try to come up with more and more arguments to try and snap him out of it... I can see how it's probably not effective.
The key thing is that the person in charge needs to be the one doing the "broken record". I suspect that your four year old has learned that, in many ways, he is the "one in charge" or the boss of your household.
Please get him evaluated. Whether or not he has a diagnosis or qualifies for services a good Developmental Pediatrician / Pediatric Neuropsychologist/ Behavioral Specialist/or other evaluator will give you suggestions to how to improve your interactions with your child and to ways to improve how they interact with you.
((hugs)) It can be a lot harder than we realize. Here's the thing, I think the main issue is realizing that "catering" to a 4.5 year old is very different than catering to a 2 year old. He is capable of washing his favorite cup himself, choosing his shirt for the day etc, without you making it your problem. If he is that set in his ways, then trying to force changes on him is only going to increase his anxiety over the issue, because it makes him feel threatened. This is not something you can break him out of.
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Originally Posted by EvilCookie
Sigh. I'm not making excuses. I admit it, I may have made mistakes but it is because I'm truly floundering here. He's defied all my expectations of what a difficult child could be like and parenting has been nothing like I thought it would be. And I'm far from the parent I thought I would be because I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water. I'm lost and it's been a steep learning curve and lots of trial and error to see what will work. This is why I'm on here asking. For advice. Not blame and finger pointing because believe me I do plenty of that to myself already. Its the easiest thing to dole out blame and critism on here and say 'well its all your fault so deal with it'.
Posters above just said I should cater to his whims because its important to him. You're now saying the opposite. I've went back and forth on this myself too because often it's just really hard to know how to act with a kid who seems just so much more intense than others. Its nothing to do with his intelligence ( though that certainly makes it more challenging) but everything to do with the intensity of his temperement which is something I've never dealt with before.
As to doing things when he was younger, of course there's a difference in expectations from a two and a four year old in terms of what they're able to understand and do..
Yep. When my daughter was 3 she insisted on wearing 3 ponytails and 3 shirts. And she's my easy-going kid!
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Originally Posted by EvilCookie
LOL well at least it makes me feel better that there are other kids out there like that...
Oh, and mine loves everything with number 4 "because I'm four" too!
BTW, if I may ask, have you ever had your son evaluated? Because some posted here that hang-ups like that are a sign of Aspergers or whatever else... Although I honestly don't think they need to be.
LOL well at least it makes me feel better that there are other kids out there like that...
Oh, and mine loves everything with number 4 "because I'm four" too!
BTW, if I may ask, have you ever had your son evaluated? Because some posted here that hang-ups like that are a sign of Aspergers or whatever else... Although I honestly don't think they need to be.
I've never had my son evaluated, and I don't see a need to do so. My son is my mini-me. He has the same health issues I do (been wearing glasses since 15 months) and any time he can verbalize the way his brain is thinking, it is pretty much exactly how mine is working in that situation. I wasn't quite so vocal about being defiant, but I was equally as determined to be independent. It's easier for me to deal with him because I know what worked and didn't work for parents in raising me (it's harder for his dad).
On the other hand, when my daughter, the one with the meltdown issues, was 5, I took her to a registered play therapist because the meltdowns scared me and I did not know how to help her. She was in therapy for a year to learn to soothe herself. We have fewer meltdowns now.
I know that you want to teach your son to be more flexible, but now is not the time to do that. Toddlers by definition are not usually flexible little people. Let him have his little quirks (where they don't impact the household much) so that he can concentrate on learning and exploring. His mind may work so fast that he needs the routine right now to be his safety net.
He will likely grow out of a lot of these behaviors. Other posters have given you examples of this with their kids. I, personally, at age 12 purchased 4 pairs of identical shoes because I liked wearing the exact same pair of shoes every single day. My mom made me buy them because she thought that was ridiculous. By the time I wore out all four pairs, I had grown out of that, and now shoe shopping is one of my favorite activities.
What you are doing now is not working for you. It is time to try something different. We're telling you what worked for us.
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