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Old 12-07-2007, 01:30 PM
 
9 posts, read 17,979 times
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Default stepchildren

I have an issue that has gotten so out of cotrol that I am not sure how I am going to handle it. I figured someone on here has been there done that and can give me some advice.....

I have a soon to be 12 year old stepdaughter that lives in TX, which is where my husband and I lived with our other two children until a year and a half ago. When we were in TX we lived right up the road from the 12 year old and we were very involved with her up bringing and saw her a lot. (We pretty much kept her in check because her mother is, and I quote, her best friend not really her mom) Now we live in MD and things are starting to get out of control with her and it seems like there is nothing that we can do about it. We have no control over her schooling and she is doing poorly to say the least, she has a 45 in math currently. She is fighting in school and getting suspended. We do call and talk to her about it and she just blows us off. Now she has come to the conclusion that if she tells us that she does not want to see us anymore that we will leave her alone. Last night was the worst yet, about 2 months ago we started planning for her to come out for christmas and she asked if she could just stay with her greatgrandmother because she was afraid that it was going to be her last christmas and my husband agreed. Then we decided to fly her up to Baltimore christmas night, giving her half her christmas break to spend with her grandmother who lives 10 mins away from her might I add, so I bought the tickets so yesterday and then my husband called to confirm that they received the itinerary and he could hear his daughter in the background yelling "I am not going! Tell that F***er that I am not going!" I am completely blown away by this and by the fact that her mother had nothing to say to her about it, she simply told her to tell him herself and handed her the phone. I have been dealing with issues from her for years but nothing like this. I am afraid of what is going to happen when she gets here. And I am not sure how to react to her when she gets here. Do I just blow off what happened over the phone or so I say something and risk her going off again. Keep in mind I don't tolerate disrespect I am former Army soldier and tend go into Drill Sergent mode when the kids try to pull that crap and I am trying to refrain from that and keep from pushing her totally away.
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:37 PM
LML
 
Location: Wisconsin
7,077 posts, read 5,192,623 times
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May I ask why in the world your husband moved so far away from his own daughter just at a time when girls need their dad the most? I would say that his daughter is very hurt and angry by what I'm sure she sees as his desertion of her.
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:40 PM
 
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He is active duty army we pulled a lot of strings to stay in TX for 6 years to be close to here but we had to move after that.
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:47 PM
 
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Hold your tongue. Not your kid, not your's to discipline.
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:53 PM
 
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Funny thing is I have tried that approach because she said I was a meany so I just let her be and then she was mad because I was no longer treating like the other two children. Not to mention I am not going to let her run amuck and curse me out in my own home just not going to happen.
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:54 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes + some
2,885 posts, read 102,535 times
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LML got it right. She feels deserted and abandoned. I hope she decides to come up (but can understand why she wouldn't want to now) that you have a kind talking to her with your arm around her asking her if she is angry with her dad and if she is you can understand it and that you and he will try to do whatever you can for her. Explain to her that in any case she is not to call her father names and talk in a disrespectful tone

Isn't she of an age where she can choose with whom she wants to live (though that's not easy either for her to make the choice - poor girl). I would never leave her alone if only to write to her all the time to reinforce that you care because she probably feels by moving away that no matter what you say to her, the fact is she feels abandoned. She is too young to be rational about this and for you to expect her to make decisions as to want to be left alone. It's all a cry for help, IMHO.
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Old 12-07-2007, 01:57 PM
 
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It sounds like she is just really upset about you guys moving so far away. Especially, if you guys were the "parents" and her mom does not give her that structure. Of course, she would never come right out and say that to you, but the situation just seems to be screaming that. A-I think it's good that you make her still come out for Christmas and B-I think you and your husband should sit down and talk to her about the situation. But I also think that it is going to be a conversation that needs to be repeated until she realizes that just because you've moved away doesn't mean that you don't care about her and are not expecting to be involved in her life. While I TOTALLY understand your stand on the disrespect, and agree that her mom should have addressed that at the time, I don't think that should be the main focus of the conversation. Definately, a "while we realize you're hurting, that type of disrespect will NOT be tolerated in the future and you owe your father an apology" is warranted and deserved, I think the main message she needs to get is that you guys did not abandon her. I'm a stepdaughter who was VERY attached to her father while I was growing up, and I took everything my father and step-mother did or didn't do with us very personally and was always interpretting (wrongly so) that their actions meant they didn't want me around. But my mom would have knocked me out if I talked like that to my father. I wish you the best of luck and hope your family is able to enjoy the holidays.
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Old 12-07-2007, 02:06 PM
 
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I am sure that is how she feels and we call often but phones are not answered on the other side. And no she can not pick who she would like to live with she can only ask a judge but the judge makes the final choice. Plus my husband kept telling her that last summer and she came to me in tears because she did not want to have to choose and make someone mad and I had to make my husband stop. I totally agree with having a heart to heart and trying to comfort her but she just gets and angry and disrespectful and like I said I can not tolorate that so I just walk away. There has to be something that I can do I just don't want to give up on her because my husband is at that point and I just can't let him do that.
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Old 12-07-2007, 02:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by regarese View Post
It sounds like she is just really upset about you guys moving so far away. Especially, if you guys were the "parents" and her mom does not give her that structure. Of course, she would never come right out and say that to you, but the situation just seems to be screaming that. A-I think it's good that you make her still come out for Christmas and B-I think you and your husband should sit down and talk to her about the situation. But I also think that it is going to be a conversation that needs to be repeated until she realizes that just because you've moved away doesn't mean that you don't care about her and are not expecting to be involved in her life. While I TOTALLY understand your stand on the disrespect, and agree that her mom should have addressed that at the time, I don't think that should be the main focus of the conversation. Definately, a "while we realize you're hurting, that type of disrespect will NOT be tolerated in the future and you owe your father an apology" is warranted and deserved, I think the main message she needs to get is that you guys did not abandon her. I'm a stepdaughter who was VERY attached to her father while I was growing up, and I took everything my father and step-mother did or didn't do with us very personally and was always interpretting (wrongly so) that their actions meant they didn't want me around. But my mom would have knocked me out if I talked like that to my father. I wish you the best of luck and hope your family is able to enjoy the holidays.

I guess you are right we will just have to keep drilling it into her head, in a nice way, that she is still wanted and we moved away because the army said we had to. Thanks

I guess that I should explain that this was happening before we moved as well just not on this level. She talks like that to her mom as well tell her that she will beat her up. I know that moving away did not help but she has always had issues with the fact that her mom is single still and her dad married me and had more kids and we all live together. She as voiced that numerous times. This is a very messed up situation and I am just looking for the most diplomatic way of handling it before it comes to a head and things go really wrong.
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Old 12-07-2007, 02:19 PM
 
Location: Duncan, OK
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Ah, the "evil wicked step-mother" (That's a running joke with my 'other' two daughters. ) Been a Step-Mom for over twenty years now, and those two are just as much "mine" as the two I gave birth to.

Patience and Strength Mom! It's going to be a rocky road. The youngest of my two 'others' was an easy child, always loving and sweet no matter what. The oldest one? Well... she was a different story, over the years she has called me everything in the book and threatened murder a few times. Anytime she was frustrated with something in her life it was ME that she acted out against. More than once I had to stand firm against her angry and destructive behaviour, even 'banning' her from our home for a short time because she threatened to hurt her younger siblings.

Most of all I always tried to stay consistent, telling her I loved her no matter what and reminding her how much I missed her when she was away.

Funny thing was despite all of the anger and resentment, it was always OUR house she came to when something really bad happened to her.

I guess what I am trying to say is this: If she needs a little room to be angry right now, let her have it but be sure you let her know how much you love and miss her. It is a fine line we have to walk as step-parents! And don't give her TOO much room, or she will think you don't care.

BTW Mine are 28 and 30 yrs old now... and a few years ago they gave me a "Mother's Ring" on Mother's day that had all FOUR of my kid's birthstones in it. It's the most cherished piece of jewelry that I own. Wishing you the best!!
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