Single Mother In Search of Advice for Toddler

[somebodynew]

Originally Posted by nana053

It sounds like he is a normal two year old. Punishment is not really something that works well. It is better to reward good behavior and to redirect him. Make sure that your expectations are developmentally appropriate. Sure he will tell you no sometimes as he is beginning to understand that he is an independent person with his own needs and wants. To avoid the nos, give him choices (Do you want orange juice or milk? Do you want the red shirt or the blue shirt? Do you want to go inside by the front door or the back door - yes, manipulative, but it may avoid a tantrum?). Also give him his desires in a way that works - you may have a cookie after lunch, for example. When you need him to leave a place like the park, try giving him a warning (don't use time like 5 minutes though at this age). Say "we need to go after you swing 20 times on the swing" and count the swings or "we will go after you go down the slide one more time."

How is his language? If the temper tantrums are coming because he is frustrated with not being understood, you can try sign language to supplement his verbal language. Also, understand that tantrums are pretty normal.

There are good positive ways to handle discipline at this age.

For biting: Read Teeth are not for Biting and give him alternatives. You can keep a bagel or apple handy to give him when he bites. If you help him understand why he should not bite people, it should help.

For hitting: Read Hands are not for Hitting and give him alternatives he can use.

For hitting:
Anytime a child is hurting another person, child or adult, consistency and immediate action is the key.

While it is difficult, you must stay very close to him at all times for this to work, but it should not last too long if you do it consistently. During the learning period, do not be any further away from your child than an arms length.

Stop the scratch, hit or bite before the child can actually do it (sometimes you will miss, but most of the time, you can see it coming and stop it). Acknowledge the anger: "You are very angry about...., but I won't let you hurt yourself or another person."

When you don't manage to stop it comfort the other person first, ignoring the child who did the scratching, hitting or biting and keeping them away from the other child with your body if necessary. You *can* encourage the child who scratched, hit or bit to help you comfort after this if you want to try to teach empathy and comforting as well, but *first* you comfort the child who was scratched, hit or bit yourself.

Hold his hand firmly, but gently. Say *we touch people with gentle hands* and show him what you mean by gentle hands. In the case of biting, say *we use our mouths to talk or kiss.* and show him that. Also for biting keep something he can bite handy. Give him this and say *We bite apples (or bagels or teething rings).*

Remove him from the situation (not as punishment, but so that he cannot return to it immediately). It's ok to distract him with another toy, but don't play with him for at least a few minutes.

Return him to the situation after he is calm and let him try again. If he goes right back to the behavior, repeat the procedure again.

Continue this until he realizes that he will not get attention for the behavior and that he will be removed from playing with you *and* with the other child. It usually doesn't take more than a week for kids to
learn that they can't get away with scratching or hitting or biting others.

Also remember to notice and pay attention to him when he is playing nicely and not scratching, hitting or biting. Don't overpraise him, but do go to him and play with him when he is being cooperative. Say "You
are taking turns nicely with Johnny.* He will see that when he is playing nicely, he gets the attention he wants.

I am quoting the whole darned thing just so it can be read again and again and again.

[mandilynn123]

Originally Posted by malamute

That's pretty good -- always keep in mind that these are the best times of your life, and they go by very fast. Make sure you have a lot of fun with him, they grow up very fast.

Thank you. He is growing so fast. I just want to be the bet mother possible since I'm all he has.

[Me1313]

It is not "bad behavior", he is calling your attention. I am not judging you, but try to find a balance.

[malamute]

Originally Posted by mandilynn123

Thank you. He is growing so fast. I just want to be the bet mother possible since I'm all he has.

Yes -- and that can mean letting the housework go because you took him for a nice hike or out to play in a park for hours and come home too exhausted -- the housework will wait. Of course that doesn't mean a pig sty but if toys don't get picked up, they don't get picked up. If laundry doesn't make it out of the laundry basket -- who really cares -- the time you have with a toddler is extremely short. Toddlers should be a whole lot of fun.

[Billy_J]

Patience and persistence!

Kids are like a large ship going one direction on the ocean. You can't suddenly make them change direction, rather you push gently and persistently on one side and slowly the ship changes direction!

So far as the kids "hating" you, if you punish too much, don't worry about it. Later many kids will even say "I hate you!" Don't take it personal and note they change their minds a few hours or a day later - just ignore it. When they get older they realize they love you.

Anyway, what if your kid is not taught to follow your rules and do what you say? And you are outside and the kid starts to run into the street? A car is coming and you say "Come back here!" The kid does not listen to you! [Disaster!]

Kids MUST be able to follow rules and directives for their own safety! Simple as that. If punishing them, explain why you are doing so. That it is because you love them and it is for their own safety in some cases.