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All this "think about her feelings" stuff doesn't work on 13-year-old girls. Telling her you're concerned because her behavior is putting her in danger - uh - she's 13. She's invincible. She will never die, she isn't old enough to comprehend the future consequences of her current behavior. Her brain hasn't quit finished developing that nugget yet. When you say "doing this is dangerous" she hears "thrill, awesome!" When you say "this could kill you" she hears "risk, adventure!" When you say "I worry about you" she hears "Mom, the nag."
When you say "No," she hears "no."
Children need boundaries set for them. It seems like the OP neglected to set that particular boundary, because the OP didn't think it would be necessary. The OP's daughter proved her wrong, and now she has to set a new boundary: "No ATV riding without supervision." And she'll need to spell out exactly what "supervision" means, because at 13, she's at an age where she will test those boundaries. "Oh well Johnny's 18, so that makes him qualified to be supervising me." She will come up with excuses, and running to older kids to be here "supervisor" will be one of them.
Yes, everyone here has kids who would never disobey, and would never do anything that special snowflakes don't do. But the OP's daughter did something that special snowflakes don't do: The OP's daughter behaved exactly how a typical 13-year-old girl would behave, when given the opportunity and lack of boundary.
Sometimes, no means no. It doesn't mean "with supervision" and it doesn't mean "we'd prefer you not to" and it doesn't mean "let's talk about how this hurts you in your feelings place."
Did you miss the part about two days in a hospital? Those are some serious injuries! What this has to do with the Olympics, I don't know.
My son has endured many injuries. Quite a few required months to recover. I've had to drive/fly 1,000 miles to get to the hospital to oversee his medical care multiple times. I posted a thread on here earlier this year discussing how stressed out I was with emotionally supporting my son while he does something that very well might kill him someday. I'm not just talking broken bones. Last year, he had a severe head injury that was so bad we didn't think he'd recover. It took all summer and fall, and he still wasn't 100% when he returned this last winter, but doctors insisted that returning was the best for his recovery.
That's why I shared with the OP. I can totally relate to being fearful of having a daredevil.
psichick was on target about the Olympics because his sport is an Olympic sport. He won't ever be an Olympian because we're not wealthy (unless he funds it himself). As a result, he's less structured than an Olympic hopeful and pushes the envelope on the more extreme side of his sport.
My kids did competitive gymnastics for many years, starting in early elementary school and going all through high school, so I, too, know a bit about the Olympics. The situation in the OP and training for the Olympics have no relationship at all. No Olympic coach would recommend an athlete take off, unsupervised, to do something s/he was unqualified to do. This is not the same thing as "taking the next step".
My kids did competitive gymnastics for many years, starting in early elementary school and going all through high school, so I, too, know a bit about the Olympics. The situation in the OP and training for the Olympics have no relationship at all. No Olympic coach would recommend an athlete take off, unsupervised, to do something s/he was unqualified to do. This is not the same thing as "taking the next step".
My son's sport was created by kids going off, unsupervised, to do stuff they weren't qualified to do, in places nobody ever dreamed. Nobody had ever done it before. There were no coaches. Even at the competition level that exists today, there still aren't many coaches with actual experience because there are very few people with the skills due to the sport being new.
Don't think for a moment that just because it's an Olympic sport that the professional athletes had supervised educated training to get where they are. Even today, most of the athletes don't start out with coaches. They gain their experience doing the craziest things on their own with their friends for many years before they're discovered.
You're missing the whole point of my first post. Did you even read it? It addresses the special challenges of parenting children with high risk taking personalities. That's why the other poster connected the extreme sports in the Olympics. Gymnastics isn't an extreme sport and risk taking personalities aren't usually drawn to it.
I do believe people with these personalities exist for a purpose. They need guidance on finding their purpose but very carefully so they don't seek even greater risks behind parents' backs.
I have a 22 year old daredevil. He does the scariest stuff as a professional skier. He has had many injuries too. Sometimes he will tell me about 50' cliff jumps and many other very frightening things. Ending a phone conversation before he is heading out, I have said, "Be careful." He would get upset and tell me that it's dangerous for me to put doubt in his mind.
We've come to an agreement. He can't tell me about the scary stuff he does, and I can't tell him to be careful. The last thing I want to do is put doubt in his mind, be the little voice he hears in his head right before taking off that distracts him from doing something properly. His peers tell him to give it 70%. That works for him. They have knowledge to put the risks into perspective. And they aren't his mother.
The world has daredevils. They tend to be leaders. They are the people who will risk their lives to save others. They exist for a reason.
I know first hand how frightening it is for a mother, but try to embrace your daughter's special personality trait. I look at it this way. It's better my son takes physical risks in an extreme sport than takes risks with intravenous drug use or a million other things risk takers can engage in. It's in their genes to be risky. If you curb it one way, they'll find another thrill that will likely be more scary.
Thanks for your post. You make some great points about putting "doubt" into someone's mind. I know this was the case for me when I was younger and going scuba diving or something - at the last minute, my mom would say the oddest things that would throw my confidence off balance (and I can only imagine how this is multiplied by 50 with extreme sports).
And yes, daredevils tend to have unique personality traits. I'm trying not to place my worry on her. I admire certain bold traits in her (from sports, to performing, to speaking in front of large audiences, etc). I just want her to follow all safety procedures - I don't want to snuff out her adventurous spirit.
You also make excellent points about other risks young people take all the time - they're not as obvious but can be quite damaging (with no upside).
Your son sounds amazing (and yes, because I'm not his mom, I think his personality is extremely admirable) - hope I can apply the same to my own :-)
My son's sport was created by kids going off, unsupervised, to do stuff they weren't qualified to do, in places nobody ever dreamed. Nobody had ever done it before. There were no coaches. Even at the competition level that exists today, there still aren't many coaches with actual experience because there are very few people with the skills due to the sport being new.
Don't think for a moment that just because it's an Olympic sport that the professional athletes had supervised educated training to get where they are. Even today, most of the athletes don't start out with coaches. They gain their experience doing the craziest things on their own with their friends for many years before they're discovered.
You're missing the whole point of my first post. Did you even read it? It addresses the special challenges of parenting children with high risk taking personalities. That's why the other poster connected the extreme sports in the Olympics. Gymnastics isn't an extreme sport and risk taking personalities aren't usually drawn to it.
I do believe people with these personalities exist for a purpose. They need guidance on finding their purpose but very carefully so they don't seek even greater risks behind parents' backs.
I have to agree. As so called "extreme" sports become mainstream olympic sports, things like snowboarding, freestyle skiing, even bmx, we are going to have to adjust our perceptions of what is or is not olympic training.
Extreme sports are extreme for a reason. As a life long surfer, I can tell you that even recreationally, the mentality to surf is so very different than that of any other sport that to even participate is to forever change the way you think about risk. Most of the typical "extreme" sports are that way. I think that is one of the reason so called "daredevil" kids are drawn to those types of activities, and maybe they provide a somewhat more healthy outlet than other ways for people to get that adrenaline rush.
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