Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I have some friends who seems to never watch their own kids.
These people (both single parents and couples) works a 9-5, drops off their young children at childcare/school at 8am and pick them up at 6pm. People have to work I get that. The thing that irks me is that on Friday nights or Saturday mornings the children are then dropped off at the grandparents house for the weekend.
Two of the children are dropped off at school by the grandparents so the parents doesn't see them until 6pm on Monday. These 2 in particular have a two parent household. The dad makes about 86k a year and the mom works a part time job (-20 hrs/wk) that doesn't really make money and isn't a career. Financially speaking, for tax and childcare cost it will benefit the family is she stayed home and cared for the children.
But the kids 2 & 5 are in childcare 10hrs a day and are dropped off every weekend so that the parents can party like childless people or date/double-date. She says it's because the kids are a lot to handle and they need alone time. I told her the kids are hard to handle because they have 3 sets of rules, leniencies, and authority figures and that in reality she only spends 2 1/2 hrs a day with them (They're in bed at 8:30). They may not see her as the Main figure in their lives.
Needless to say she hasn't returned my call in 3 days. I should probably call and apologize.
I guess the question is.. why do people have kids if they don't plan on raising them? How much time do you spend with your kids?
Oooh! Everyone seems to be giving you trouble. I totally agree with you. What's the point in having kids if you never see them or if someone else is raising them? It doesn't make sense to me. The other argument is that they need to work to support their family, which is why they can't spend time with their kids.
These are the kids who (by Kindergarten) won't know how to write their name or read 3-4 word sentences (which holds back the class). Then, the teacher promotes them to 1st grade (because of No Child Left Behind) without them being ready for it. And by 5th grade they're diagnosed with ADHD, when in reality, there's nothing wrong with them, they are just acting up because they don't understand what's going on.
*I know that ADHD is a real disorder; however, it is diagnosed too quickly without proper assessment.
I was in a restaurant last evening where a bread/roll bin was set for self-service. Someone's daughter--about five or six--was at the bread bin crumbling every piece of bread in her little hands. She was there for at least five minutes before a server got to her, and the server spent another couple of minutes trying to gently "redirect" her before her mother showed up with, "Oh, there you are."
That is different than the situation the OP is talking about where kids are spending time and being watched by grandparents.
Yes I know. But i don't know what I'm suppose to do besides talk to her about it.
If she calls me to pick up the kids I can't just leave them at the childcare center.
The grandparents had Mom older in age and they are (I think) 69 and 70 running behind 2 kids. They can't be as attentive as they would like to be and the 2yr old loves putting stuff in his mouth (choking) or always falling down etc and the grandparents first thought is emergency room.
The 5yr old is always fighting at school so he has to be picked up early, 9/10 times by me.
The dad works so he is not available for pick-ups and the mom often calls me because she is at xyz and is to far away. Mom has hair appointments at a certain time every week and nail appointments at a certain time every week etc. So I know that if they happen to call on say a Friday at 1:30pm then she is at her nail appointment and can't leave so I go pick him up.
You go pick up this woman's kids because she's at a hair or nail appointment? Are you serious? She can't leave her hair and nails halfway done and go pick up her own child?
Don't complain. You have enabled this behavior. One time, one situation that was not serious, MAYBE I would go pick up a friend's kid while she finished her appointment. Routinely, never ever. If she calls you to pick up the kids, you CAN just leave them at the childcare center. They aren't yours. You have a life and a family too, don't you? Maybe YOU can be busy getting your nails done. If she still doesn't want to be bothered picking them up, then she can have the choice of them being dropped off at the police station for social services to pick up. I guarantee you she'll forget about her nails then.
Also, it would be helpful if you included all the information in the original post, instead of slowly dragging out more details. Originally, the story was the kids spend every weekend with grandparents and only a couple hours a night with parents, nothing about the kids having anger issues and what appears to be psychological problems and being abandoned for a hair appointment. Don't get mad at people responding to your original post when you didn't bother to include the full story.
I don't expect there to be legislation... I just don't understand how you can try to get pregnant.. have a child and not spend anytime with them when you have NOTHING but time. Mom works -20hrs a week and I see her more than her kids do. I told her that when she gets called in for work she can drop the kids off with me and pick them up after. She said, "Then where am I going to go when I need a break?"
Like I said above...some people would rather engage in adult things - even if they choose to have a child and even if they don't have to work for pay.
They rely on other people to do the child-related work for them.
I know you don't like this, but it's very real and it is not necessarily as outrageous, morally wrong or neglectful as you make it sound. It DOES become neglectful IF the child doesn't get good care from whomever he is entrusted to during the day.
You are also saying, if I understood correctly, the kids have some behavior problems. That's a different story.
Well, then the parents would have to make sure the people they entrusted their children's upbringing to actually do their job and fix those problems.
It doesn't mean that if the parent is the one who does the actual upbringing the result is guaranteed to be good.
The parents just need to ensure that whoever has committed to doing this job, whether grandparents, nanny, paid child care worker, etc. - will do it well.
What I don't agree with is your insinuation that ALL parents must be the ones who do the actual child upbringing, plus providing company to the child, sitting with the child, talking to the child - etc, day in and day out. For some parents, this is simply not possible, even if desired.
For others, this is simply not desirable; so for the sake of their children, they prefer to pay someone else to do this job.
I don't agree with that, but it's really not my place to say anything, especially when her kids are clean, fed, and cared for. You don't have to agree with other's parenting styles, and you don't have to subscribe to it, but you do have to stay in your lane until there's a need to protect the kids from harm.
If they were not clean, would it be your place to say anything? Define clean.
Also, define "harm" ...so we can understand when we can signal for a "change in lanes" to "protect kids from harm".
Like I said above...some people would rather engage in adult things - even if they choose to have a child and even if they don't have to work for pay.
They rely on other people to do the child-related work for them.
I know you don't like this, but it's very real and it is not necessarily as outrageous, morally wrong or neglectful as you make it sound. It DOES become neglectful IF the child doesn't get good care from whomever he is entrusted to during the day.
You are also saying, if I understood correctly, the kids have some behavior problems. That's a different story.
Well, then the parents would have to make sure the people they entrusted their children's upbringing to actually do their job and fix those problems.
It doesn't mean that if the parent is the one who does the actual upbringing the result is guaranteed to be good.
The parents just need to ensure that whoever has committed to doing this job, whether grandparents, nanny, paid child care worker, etc. - will do it well.
What I don't agree with is your insinuation that ALL parents must be the ones who do the actual child upbringing, plus providing company to the child, sitting with the child, talking to the child - etc, day in and day out. For some parents, this is simply not possible, even if desired.
For others, this is simply not desirable; so for the sake of their children, they prefer to pay someone else to do this job.
I never insinuated that but now that you said it, why shouldn't a parent have to raise his/her own child? I said that you should spend time with your children. I didn't say spend all of your time with your children. Although, I don't understand why it's okay to have a child and not raise it.
Oooh! Everyone seems to be giving you trouble. I totally agree with you. What's the point in having kids if you never see them or if someone else is raising them? It doesn't make sense to me. The other argument is that they need to work to support their family, which is why they can't spend time with their kids.
These are the kids who (by Kindergarten) won't know how to write their name or read 3-4 word sentences (which holds back the class). Then, the teacher promotes them to 1st grade (because of No Child Left Behind) without them being ready for it. And by 5th grade they're diagnosed with ADHD, when in reality, there's nothing wrong with them, they are just acting up because they don't understand what's going on.
*I know that ADHD is a real disorder; however, it is diagnosed too quickly without proper assessment.
Lots and lots and lots of painful stretches here.
By the way, teaching reading and writing is not officially a parental responsibility.
This is why you have a mandatory educational system implemented in modern societies; because society cannot count on parents to do it.
Some will, but that doesn't mean all will, or all should.
You go pick up this woman's kids because she's at a hair or nail appointment? Are you serious? She can't leave her hair and nails halfway done and go pick up her own child?
Don't complain. You have enabled this behavior. One time, one situation that was not serious, MAYBE I would go pick up a friend's kid while she finished her appointment. Routinely, never ever. If she calls you to pick up the kids, you CAN just leave them at the childcare center. They aren't yours. You have a life and a family too, don't you? Maybe YOU can be busy getting your nails done. If she still doesn't want to be bothered picking them up, then she can have the choice of them being dropped off at the police station for social services to pick up. I guarantee you she'll forget about her nails then.
Also, it would be helpful if you included all the information in the original post, instead of slowly dragging out more details. Originally, the story was the kids spend every weekend with grandparents and only a couple hours a night with parents, nothing about the kids having anger issues and what appears to be psychological problems and being abandoned for a hair appointment. Don't get mad at people responding to your original post when you didn't bother to include the full story.
1: I know.. out of all of the people I've said no to she is one of the few people I can't say no to. I love her and those kids so much. Besides my Hubby she is my longest lasting friendship. My hubby says I have to start putting my foot down and I'm letting her get away with it. We don't argue much but this has become a stressful topic for the hubby and I.
2: I was just trying to lay out a piece of the scenario in the OP and get a consensus on how much time people spend on their kids and if they felt that 2.5hrs a day was enough. In hindsight.. I could have either gave the full story or worded the question differently.
These are families where future meth and heroine users grew up from.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Needless to say she hasn't returned my call in 3 days. I should probably call and apologize.
